• Published 10th Oct 2018
  • 325 Views, 7 Comments

The Mane Secrets to Love - DaWhirlhoof

Who ever said a hero had to be single? Or even unexperienced?

  • ...

Applejack (Yeehaw!)

Well, that was...an experience.

Anyway, having gotten what I (probably) wanted out of Miss Dash, I'm now here trying to think of another pony I could speak with. Of course there are many options, but who really ignites a spark in my brain? Hmm...

Maybe Princess Twilight? I imagine She'd have some out-there interests. Or if not, at least it would be amazing just to speak to Her in the first place. I'm sure She'd have time for a random pony who...wants to ask Her private...questions about...private things...


Well, on to the castle we go!



I wander over on to Her castle, and prepare myself to meet royalty for the first time, and what happens? She's on an adventure with somepony else named "Fluttershy." Something about resolving a dispute between two farming families? Whatever it is, She's not here. There goes any plans I had.

So who should I go with now? I don't know anypony else by name. Not in Ponyville, anyway. I could head back to Canterlot, see if some of the upp-

Nope, never. I'm not subjecting myself to that. Even journalism has its limits, sorry. But who should be my victim subject then?

Actually, I could always visit the apple farm and see if that nice country pony would like to talk. I imagine she could have something worth going in my journal.

It's not a random piece of paper, it's a journal. Shut it.

Journey to the farm it is!


That bulky red stallion is there again. I swear to Celestia he's staring into my soul. If he's not, then there must be something he's staring at directly behind me that he has an intense interest in. And he still has that get on with it look.

I didn't even have to ask him this time. He must've known I had an important job -yes it is- and wanted to help me as soon as possible. A brisk pointing to the farmhouse and I was onward again.

I didn't really take a good look at this farm before, being preoccupied with legitimate work as I was. It's certainly a large farm, seeing as I can't view the edge of it from here. The whole place is absolutely littered with apple trees, and I'm pretty sure there's more trees than ground, somehow. It certainly lives up to the "Sweet Apple Acres" title. Well, the apple part, anyway. Yet to see if the ponies are as sweet as they advertise. That stallion certainly isn't. He was seeing into me, I know it...

Anyhoo, I trot on over to the door and give it a good knocking.


No response. Let's give it another knocking then.


Nothing. Maybe if I knock three times, like a secret code?

Nothing there either. I'd say they weren't home, but that stallion was obviously here. Unless he pointed me in the wrong direction. Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe he knew I'd come here and he set up a trap that'd I fall into and I have and now they're going to start sticking things up my-

Oh, there's the door. And look who it is! The exact mare I was looking for. She creaks open the door with a look on her face that is definitely not amused by my arrival. How could she be so grumpy with a shining face like mine?

I clear my throat and get ready for what I'm sure would've been a terrific opening, but she stops me with a glare scarier than that stallion and a voice almost dripping with hostility.

"Ah cen ashure y'all, we ain' bahing anythin' yur sellin'."

It took me a second to realize exactly what she said (long time, I know), but I recovered from the shock and spoke as fast as I could before she could shut the door in my face.


She stopped before my face was imprinted onto the door, and proceeded to stare.

Into my soul.

I smiled awkwardly.

She stared intently.

I started sweating.

She stared intensely.

I began to quiver internally.

She stared maniacally.

I feared for my life.

Sh- "Well, shucks, if th'ts all yer wan'ed, com' on in!" Her face changed from a glare capable of freezing Tarturus to one of absolute friendliness and hospitality. I could swear she did it on purpose, just to see me shaking...

But anyway, she left the door agape for me to waltz into (stylishly, I might add). As I entered this marvelous abode, i could tell it was a farmer's home by the smell alone: fresh-cut wood, new paint, baking ingredients, and above all, the smell of sweat mixed with dirt. That sounds disgusting, but trust my fabulous intellect when I say it was more endearing than revolting. The place had a variety of antique paintings and decorations hanging around (at least I think they were), and the entire inside had a cozy, homely feel that instantly washed away any worries I had about this mare.

Of course, the fact that it was so easing just set off more alarm bells because I cannot relax for even a moment. My mind turned to thoughts of kidnapping, brainwashing, and...other crimes. Luckily this did not happen during my visit (spoiler warning), thus I was able to enjoy this residence without disappearing mysteriously (not yet, anyway).

I was led over to a quaint table and quartet of chairs, which the farm mare and I both promptly sat in. (Not in the same one, for the love of-Get your head out of the gutter!) She stretched a bit to get comfortable and prepare for whatever I was about to say, and I relaxed myself in return, clearing my throat.

"So, Miss-" I stopped before I began, as I realized I never actually learned her name. How was I supposed to record this without her name? "I'm sorry, I never learned your moniker." I tried to smile, but I don't think even my charming grin would lead someone to forgive that kind of oversight.

Luckily, she didn't seem to mind, and just chuckled, "Ah know, shugurcube. Ah w's waitin' fer ya t' ask. It's Appluljack, an' you maight be...?"

I wasted no time and gave her my name, which was a moniker I'm quite proud of: *insert protagonist name here*. Now that we could actually refer to each other by something, I became a bit more "professional", which is what I call it when my eyebrows turn into fat slugs, my eyes become both sharp as a sword and soft as a kitten, and my mouth attempts a reassuring smile and a focused straight line simultaneously. Thus equipped with my questioning gear, I started up with the obvious.

"So, Miss Applejack, I came here because my job entails meeting different creatures, and asking them about...certain details. The romantic kind."

To her credit, she didn't even raise an eyebrow at that, and just continued listening politely.

"I'd like to ask you about, well...your love life and romantic quirks. I can assure you that absolutely none of this information will leave this room if you desire, and you are under no obligation to answer. If you'd like, I'll leave right now, and never bother you again." I put my hooves over each other and waited for her response.

Leaning back in a thoughtful pose, she responded: "Ah can' say it's sumthin' ah cin ansur easily, b't ah'll trah t' giv' ya'll wut yeh wan', shugurcube."

(Okay, from now on I'm just going to translate a pony's accent into "proper" Equish. This isn't anything against them, but it's a bit exhausting writing everything phonetically. If it can't be helped though, I'll record their words exactly as I hear them. Anyhoo.)

"And you don't gotta worry none 'bout mah privacy. I'm the Element of Honesty, and I take pride in that."

Wait, what? She's an ELEMENT OF HARMONY?!

I was about to question this and get into a long discussion of her role as a national hero, when she stuck a hoof in my mouth (it tasted like orange, if you're curious. Not the fruit, the color). "Listen buddy, I know you might be surprised, but let's get your questions out of th' way before we get into somethin' else, alright?" She looked at me with something between pleading and stern, so I couldn't help but drop it...for now.

"I suppose...anyway. So the first, and probably most blatant: who are you most into?"

She gave me a look of confusion, so I quickly clarified what exactly "who" meant.

"As in, what kinds of race, species, gender, age, etcetera? What kind of creature do you prefer? Which gender are you more attracted to? That kind of thing."

She immediately let out an "oh" of realization, and leaned back even further before answering. "Suppose I should've expected that one. Who do I like a mighty lot? Hmm..." She did the "rub your chin in thought even though you know the answer" thing for a few moments, then turned back to me. "First off, ah don't care diddly 'bout what race they are or aren't, much as some ponies would disagree. I neither despise nor do I prefer any of 'em. For the others though..."

She stood up from the chair and wandered about the room, actually in thought this time. "Well, of course ah ain't into fillies. That'd be wrong as a blue apple on a purple tree. Not so much for the older folks, neither. Nuthin' against 'em, naturally, just no real interest, y'know?" I scribbled away her words on my piece of paper journal as she spoke, which was harder than I imagined. She had quite an accent, and I'm not the best at transcribing it.

"So ah'd say around mah age is th' best. A might boring, ah know, but that's that. And definitely a stallion. Granny musta rubbed off on me, 'cause I'm old fashioned. Nothin' against same couples, though. I'd be lyin' if ah said I did."

Same age as her, and a stallion...wait, I thought she didn't care about race? Or maybe she just said stallion to mean "male?" I'm going to assume as such, but take it however you feel like.

"That's the basics, then. What about quirks? Any particular traits or...personalities you enjoy more? Or do you just go for about anything?" I internally slapped myself for that last bit. It sounded less like a professional question and more like "do you just get it on with anyone?"

Luckily she seemed to ignore this-or maybe she didn't notice-and responded almost instinctively. "Fit. Ah mean, ah understand some creatures ain' bred for exercise and whatnot, but that's something I gotta see. Feller needs to be willing to put some muscle in if he wants me. Rippling muscles, and a strong back, and taller than the trees, and..." She proceeded to trail off while staring into space, her mouth getting the tiniest bit of drool. I suppose I should've seen this coming, but still.

I waved a hoof in front of her to get her attention, which didn't work (Obviously. Seriously, when has the "wave limb in front of them" trick ever worked?). Didn't seem to matter, since she broke out of her own trance, and she refused to look directly at me. "Umm, may have gotten a little carried away." She then offered a sheepish smile and cleared her throat for me to continue.

"Right...so, anyway. What about a perfect date? What can you imagine as the ideal romantic setting?"

"Well, you might not expect it but, honestly, just staying inside n' relaxing is appealing t' me. Sitting together by a fire, snuggled up, y'know. What Dash calls 'mushy' just because she's jealous." She again looked off, but didn't enter hypnosis this time.

Wait, didn't she want someone ripped? "I thought you wanted a strong stallion? Someone physically fit and capable?"

She gave me that look. "So who's sayin' ah can't have both? Nothin' wrong with a pony who's big in both ways."

...Not going to comment on that one.

What? When my daily job consists of asking creatures non-stop "how do you like that", do you really expect me not to pick up a bit of dirty-mindedness? Pssh.

Anyway, I really didn't want to be on the wrong side of Applejack and her brother(?), so I just nodded and slightly shrunk. "Nope, nothing I see wrong with that. Absolutely." Which, I actually don't. I'm not prejudiced, just...weird...and alone...

So alone...

She rolled her eyes toward me and I'm pretty sure tried to impale me with that glare. "So anyway, what's next on your list?" I figured I'd rather continue as she said than deal with that look that could petrify a cockatrice any longer.

"R-r-right, so...um...right! What, uh...what about a future? Foals, your own home, that whole dance." Why did I just say "that whole dance?" It's like my words were written by someone else...

"Foals? Absolutely. Taking care of Apple Bloom is already warmin' to mah heart, but what I'd really like is a colt or filly to call mah own. Doesn't matter to me how many, really. Unless they fill the barn to bursting." She let out a mini-giggle for that line. You know, that giggle when a girl wants to laugh at something, but they know no one else finds it funny so they don't want to be seen as weird for laughing?

Yeah, that kind of giggle.

I definitely haven't done that.

Don't look at me like that.

Moving on, after that awkward half-second of her standing after laughing and me idly waiting, she continued. "Ah'd still want t' live somewhere in th' countryside, so ah probably wouldn't even move out of Ponyville. Unless he wants somewhere else. Ah suppose we could talk about it." She walked over to a chair and started leaning on it on her hindlegs. It looked very uncomfortable, but I suppose when you buck trees everyday with those legs, standing on them isn't much to make a fuss about.

I reclined back in my seat and took on a quite devious smile. "Right, so now that we're done with the standard fare...we can move on to something more interesting."

Ms. Applejack looked to me with a quirked eyebrow and a frown of confusion. "What are ya talking about? Ah thought you were askin' me about romance and future plans and so-so."

I repaid in kind with an even more sinister smile and a raised brow to rival hers. "Well, we have the boring questions out of the way. Now I can get into the real reason I'm here." I then shifted forward into a position leaning on the table. "Let's talk about that."

She seemed to remain confuzzled for a moment before her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened. "Do ya m-"

I interrupted with a smirk. "You know exactly what I mean, Ms. Applejack. Let's know about...private things." I waved my hoof around in a lazy manner. "Interests, preferences...kinks."

To Ms. Applejack's credit, she didn't refuse to talk about it and order me out. She didn't even look away or make raspberries while flustered. Her red deepened only slightly, and she took a moment to clear her own throat. "Ah guess that makes more 'an a little sense..." She then blew out her cheeks across the planet and scooted into the seat awkwardly. "Hit me."

I crossed my forelegs and leaned my chin into them while burning my smile into her brain. "So what about the...positions? You know, the optimal...ways of doing it."

She pulled her hat down over one side of her head and looked out from it. "Optimal? Like the best way, ya mean?"

"Or your favorite. Whichever applies."

Y'know, I just realized that from the foals point on, I haven't actually been writing any of this down on my sheet of paper in my journal. Well, I suppose it wasn't really the point anyway. Better than to invest myself in it than sit idly writing, like I'm some kind of author. Wouldn't want to be one anyway. I'd probably lose focus for a few months then apologize for being an idiot, then continue not writing.

Sounds familiar, actually...

To my surprise, she actually cracked a smirk back at me.

"Ah'd say ah don't have a favorite or best way. Whatever works, works. And it always does, sugarcube." She switched from raising to lowering one brow. "But ah'm sure you'd know all about it, since your asking and all."

Buck, she's trapped me. Honestly didn't expect that from a farmer.

She's actually caught me off guard. Luckily, I'm a master of blustering reacting under pressure, so I'll respond with a masterful line of clear superior intellect.

"B-b-buh...of course I know all about it! Absolute master of course. I mean why would I ask if I wasn't certain already? Only a stupid pony would do that. And, uhh... I'm definitely not stupid! Nope!" I tried to hold up a wavy grin with toothpicks, while Ms. Applejack simply looked at me with absolute confidence on her face.

After a particularly violent clearing of my throat (I swear I'm not doing it as a joke), I continued. "We-well, now then, umm...what was it...oh, right!"

Do you want me to stop writing every time I go "ahem"? I'm sure it's annoying, so I'll probably omit that for now. From this passage anyway. No promises in the future.

"This time, there's no question. Just one word."

She looked me right in the eye. "And what would that be?" Smirking like she's won a lottery.

Her goofy grin was no match for my power of awkwardness intelligence. "Kinks."

This time, she was the one caught off guard. She immediately lost grip of both her hat and the chair, and the stetson went billowing to the floor with her. I heard a satisfying *thump*, as she collapsed, then tried to regain some semblance of dignity as she clambered back into a seated position.

Her cheeks were beyond simple blushing now; it was as if somepony had simply smothered red paint over them. "Y-y-yes, ah suppose, we could...talk about that..."

She covered one side of her face with her hat again, then turned and leaned her elbow onto the table. She absolutely refused to make eye contact, let alone look directly at me. "So..get on wit' it."

Now was my turn to quirk an eyebrow toward her. "What do you mean? I'm waiting for you to explain, not to ask."

She gave me a thousand-yard stare for a moment, then blinked away her confusion. "Wait, ya want me t' spell it out? Ah sorta thought you'd be the one to ask. Ain't that what ya been doin'?"

"Well, yes and no. Yes, I've been doing the asking up to this point, and that's worked...fairly well. But I don't think asking dry questions about something so personal would be very productive."

She brought it full circle by pulling the hat over her entire face and paying me a muffled response. "Ahf gfuefth ahmf cafh dthf ith mahthelf..."

The hat slithered its way back across the valley of her head back onto the mountain top, and she rubbed the plateau of her eyes before affixing them upon mine own. "Ugh...jus'...jus' tell me where t' start..."

Excuse me?

Hold up.

Just wait a minute.

Where to START?

I could barely speak through my mystical combination of violent wheezing and desperate tears. "Wh-wh-what? What d-d-do you mean...where to start?"

She must've only just realized what that made her sound like, and very swiftly swung her forelegs back and forth with enough force to topple a windmill, and I'm honestly surprised her brain didn't fly out with the velocity of her head shaking. "Nononononononono that's not what ah mean! Ah just meant...as in...how much detail?"

Oooohhhh, that made much more sense.

And greatly eased the tectonic activity in my gut.

We both wisely avoided each other's gaze and suddenly found the table very interesting. "I, uh. I see."


After a good full minute (I counted), I decided to break the blanket of silence clinging to us. I could at least try to go about this professionally. "Right then. Urm... I guess...go into as much detail you feel necessary. I sort of need to write it down regardless. And your whole thing is honesty, so... go nuts."

She still didn't even attempt to look at me, and just mumbled her response. "Ah only have one, and that'd be...domination..."

This was a very deja vu feeling. Didn't Ms. Rainbow Dash say something in an equally tiny voice? "I'm sorry? Can you repeat that?"

Seriously, how was her face not simply melting at this point? She completely turned around in the chair, drooping her head down and only giving me the briefest of glances. "Domination."

Domination? Why would she make that sound like it's something bad? "Having domination as a kink is nothing to be embarrassed about, Ms. Applejack. I'm sure it's a fairly normal one."

I decided to add, "By domination, you mean being dominant, right?"

She shook her head while still refusing to look at me. "No, as in I...I want to...to be dominated."

Ooohhh, I get it. She's been the domineering, authoritative one in her family for so long, naturally she'd want to experience the other side. I said as much to her, which she confirmed with a brisk nod and scrunchy face.

"Ah, uh, always wanted to be on the receiving end..."

And this was something to be ashamed of, why?

"Ms. Applejack, why exactly do you find this so embarrassing? I imagine you aren't the only one with this kind of fantasy, and you definitely won't be the last. There's no need to act like it's dangerous. Everyone has something they're in to."

"Ah know, but it's just...ah've always tried to be the big sister, the mature and dependable one, somepony you could always count on. Jus' feel like it's something ah shouldn't like."

Hmm. Her being reluctant to talk about it is justified, especially considering the subject matter. But I believe I have just the thing to calm her down.

"Y'know Ms. Applejack, I was talking with a certain Ms. Rainbow Dash about this, and she gave me a very interesting answer."

She finally decided to poke her muzzle back toward me somewhat, and I could instantly tell she was intrigued. "Say what? Rainbow Dash? There's no way she said it out loud."

Did Ms. Dash tell me not to reveal this? I can't really remember, but it's not like journalism exists for confidentiality, right? I leaned over and motioned for her to do the same. She finally decided to turn back around and listen closely.

"Ms. Dash told me she likes... bondage."

Ms. Applejack held a blank expression for a moment, then quite literally fell and was rolling on the floor laughing. She tried to say something involving "in all mah years" and "sayd-splittin'", but it was lost in her giddiness.

Eventually she climbed back into the chair (which I believe is now very indignant about Ms. Applejack's sitting habits) and allowed herself to breathe properly, likely to alleviate that slight blue on her noggin. She still had a semblance of giggles as she spoke to me.

"T'at really made mah day, yes sirree. Much obliged for t'at, thank ya." She flicked away a tear and let out a large gust of air, then relaxed into her seat.

"So, I'm sure you feel a bit less shy about your interest, considering what you just learned about Ms. Dash."

I don't think she could stop herself from grinning if it'd save her life. "Oh shucks, yer darn tootin' I am. Can't wait to tease her about it."

I put a hoof to mouth and tried to speak discreetly. "Just, please don't mention that I told you. I'm slightly terrified of Ms. Dash."

She nodded in mutual understanding (and slight concern). "Don't worry none. She ain' gon' find out from me."

Well, looking over my paper journal, it looks like that was all I planned on asking. Of course, I could go into how she's an ELEMENT OF HARMONY, but that can wait for another time. I slipped out of my chair and felt the refreshing texture of carpet on my hooves, and stretched a tad.

"Well Ms. Ap-"

"Ah just gotta ask: why do ya keep calling me 'Miss'? Ah ain't a schoolteacher or the mayor."

Wait, was I doing that? Out of politeness or obliviousness, I'll never truly know.

"Apologies, Mi- Um, Applejack. I'll be taking my leave, if that's all."

She tipped her hat to me in a please just go manner (or maybe that's just me). "Ah believe it is. Most fun ah've had in a long time. Ya take care o' yourself, now!"

I waved and continued to do so until I finally closed the door. It was still a wonderful day out, so I guess that conversation hadn't taken long. Thankfully that spawn of Tarturus red stallion wasn't here anymore.

Where I could see him, anyway.

And so, I trotted off to my newest (and hopefully eager) subject.

Author's Note:

*reads first and second chapters*
*says he'll update soon*
*hasn't updated for eight months*
*shoots self*

But in all seriousness, I'll try my best to actually update this more frequently. I enjoy this concept, and I'm not a fan of stories that have like 5 chapters then stay dead for 7 years. So I'll try to avoid that.

Btw, Captain Absolution. You wanted the question part longer? Well congrats, it's now two thousand words longer.

Why do people read my stuff, anyway? I have the driest voice known to humanity, and I couldn't even get hired into a documentary for how boring I sound. Seriously, my voice is like someone taught an air conditioner how to speak and recite presidential speeches.

In other news: who would you like next chapter?
A. Pinkie Pie (oh dear god)
B. Fluttershy (I have some ideas ;)
C. Rarity (oh that'll be fun)

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Comments ( 2 )

Hey guys, let me know if you think I'm overdoing the text-warping (italic, bold, etc.) Personally I believe it adds to the humor and personality of the fic, but if you think it's a bit saturated, I'll try to tone it down.

No promises, though.

Pinkie Pie every time.

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