• Published 10th Oct 2018
  • 325 Views, 7 Comments

The Mane Secrets to Love - DaWhirlhoof

Who ever said a hero had to be single? Or even unexperienced?

  • ...

Rainbow Dash

Hello everyone! Today we'll be asking around and to a certain rainbow speedster. That's right, we'll be learning a little bit about the newest Wonderbolts entrant, the Element of Loyalty, fastest pegasus in Equestria: Rainbow Dash!

Now the only trouble is actually finding her. Hold on, I'll go see if somepony knows where she may have flown off to.


I've wandered into a quaint little bakery, named "Sugarcube Corner" officially. This might be a good place to visit later, but for now I'll see if anypony knows where Rainbow Dash might have gone to.

"Excuse me? Anypony here? I'd like to ask something, and I'd really like to know it now," I shouted out to the bakery.

A plump little blue coated, pink-maned mare waddled over to the counter. (She was pretty cute, to be honest.) She quickly tied on an apron and rested her hooves on the front counter. "Hello there! What may I help you with today?"

I smiled and responded, "I'm looking for someone called...'Rainbow Dash'? Is that correct? I'd like to ask her some questions. For research."

The earth pony tilted her head. "Hrmm, Rainbow Dash? The name is familiar, but I can't remember where she is for the life of me..."

I sighed and said, "Well, might you know where she frequents? I dearly need to speak to her, and sooner rather than later. For science."

The mare, who I just noticed had a name tag saying "Mrs. Cake" (great name), brightened and exclaimed, "Ah, I do! She quite loves hanging around Sweet Apple Acres for the great cider, and to visit her friend. She also spends time training for the Wonderbolts and organizing the weather team, which means she really can be anywhere in Ponyville. But you can often find her napping at her house."

I cocked an eyebrow. "That'd be where, exactly?"

Just as Mrs. Cake had coughed out a "I do-", a...well, hurricane sounds best. A hurricane of pink stampeded down the back stairs, rampaging across the bakery, annihilating all sense of safety or structure and destroying many sweets' hopes and dreams.

The pink terror of Equestria somewhat settled down into a vibrating pink (and I mean really pink) earth pony, who seemed about to burrow a hole in both the floor and ceiling simultaneously. Then her voice shrieked out into my eternal nightmares. "IKNOWIKNOWIKNOWWHEREDASHIEIKNOWPLEASELETMETELLYOU-"

A blue hoof was stuck into the perilous pink pony's mouth, and she immediately perked down into a perfectly positioned posture. Mrs. Cake then removed her hoof for fear of having it disappear into the pink nightmare's mouth, and spoke, "Pinkie Pie, dear, you don't need to be so...aggressive about telling our nice visitor here. Now, if you'd like to say something, say it slowly...and coherently."

The apparent "Pinkie Pie" then took a breath which I believe may have shifted the air pressure, and only barely managed not to shout, "Dashie absolutely loves Daring Do, so I bet she'll be super-duper-uber-looper excited to go to the Daring Do meetup at the Town Hall today at five and she's gonna be so happy that you'll be there to talk to her and ask her things and I bet those thing will be really really really fun and oh my gosh i wanna see wh at yu guys r gon a do so bad ly-"

Apparently she was speaking so fast and so much that even the writer couldn't keep up with her. Well, I got "likes Daring Do, Town Hall convention, five o' clock" out of that, so I suppose it's satisfactory. I also believe Mrs. Cake said she liked to visit Sweet Apple Acres. So, guess I'm heading there next!


Oh sweet Celestia, that is a big farm. Welp, this is my choice, so I've gotta go through with it now.

I approached the (frankly ridiculous) apple tree farm, and headed over to the main house. Maybe somepony there could tell me where Rainbow Dash was?

As I got closer to the house, a scarily large red stallion was looking at me in the corner of my eye. I awkwardly smiled and waved, trying not to annoy him, whatever he was doing. He gave me a look that said yeah, just hurry up already, so I complied.

"Hello sir, might you know where a pony called 'Rainbow Dash' is located?" I asked.

The stallion responded with a "Eeyup" that made me fear for my life, and gestured over to the house, where I could just faintly hear someone giggling. Well, guess I was heading in the right direction after all.

After shaking the thoughts of the stallion strangling me out of my mind, I sauntered over to the house and stopped when I could see something blue convulsing on the floor. I almost freaked out, but stopped when I realized she was laughing hysterically, not having a seizure (probably). I knocked on the door and an orange earth pony mare immediately opened the door, lingering laughter on her face.

"What can ah help y' with, dearie? Is 't about mah Zap Apple Jam? 'Cause ah already sold it off," She drawled in one of the most exaggerated accents I had ever heard (apart from those spa ponies...).

I straightened and responded, "Greetings miss, I was hoping you could direct me to a certain 'Rainbow Dash'?"

"Of course, she's right 'n here, rolling on th' floor. Don' rightly know what you could want wit' 'er, but she's here all right." The orange mare opened the door more fully and exposed a hyperventilating (presumably) Rainbow Dash on the floor. Said mare quickly stood up and dusted herself off.

"Alright, who wants me? Well, I mean, EVERYONE does obviously, but what do you want?" She tilted her head in questioning.

I likewise tilted my head and answered (lots of head tilting), "I was going to see if I could ask you a few questions. Regarding certain things. Preferably, I'd like if we could speak in private."

Dash huffed. "Whatever. I'll see what you wanna ask, but it'd better be interesting!" She then hovered out the door and waited outside, raising her eyebrow towards me. Not one to keep a mare waiting (usually), I hurried out and thanked the farm pony for her help. Sidling along next to Rainbow Dash, I was struck by a sudden thought.

"Pardon me, Miss Dash (she rolled her eyes at this), but what caused you to laugh so hard?" I gave her a wondering look.

Dash snorted and said, "Oh, it was more of an in-joke kinda thing. Something about this pony called 'Firefly'."


"You wanna ask me WHAT?" the blue pegasus squawked, fluttering her wings slightly.

I sighed. "I'd like to know anything and everything about you involving romance. What you do and don't like, what's attractive to you, funny or sweet memories, that kind of thing."

Dash looked away for a second, then returned to my gaze. "Fine, but if I don't want something getting out, then it ain't, got it?"

I nodded gingerly. "Of course. I just want to know for curiosity's sake. No money or bribes or anything else involved."

She relaxed slightly, exhaled, and asked, "So, what do you wanna ask first?"

I drummed my chin for a moment. "Well, let's start with 'who you like'. As in, what gender? What race? That sort of thing."

Dash's face contorted into an "O", and she created a noise exactly like that. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it. Well... To be honest, I don't really care if somepony is a stallion, or a mare, or whatever. That doesn't matter to me." She then grinned. "just as long as they know how AWESOME I am!"

She continued, "Anyway, I guess when it comes to what a pony is, I don't really care there either. I mean, I kinda prefer somepony who can fly with me, like a pegasus or a griffin, but it doesn't really matter if they rock anyway, right?"

I nodded as she looked up wistfully. "So you don't really have any sexual preferences...what about personality? What kind of attitude do you like in a partner? And what do you like physically?"

"Hmmm...if you mean their body, I do prefer somebody who's worked out, and has some muscle on them. Athletic is better in my opinion. (This is literally all her opinion, obviously.) And personality...well, I like the athletic, bold types, obviously. Buuuttt..."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Something else?"

She blushed and smirked awkwardly. "I may have something for the quiet, cute, shy types... Y'know, the whole 'adorable recluse' kinda thing."

I almost chuckled at that. Big, strong, awesome Rainbow Dash falling for the quiet ones, eh? Well, not like it's the weirdest thing out there. "Nothing wrong with that, miss. Just a preference. So what about...bedroom preferences?"

Dash's cheeks turned into practical magma as she quickly responded. "Uh-um-er...bedroom things? What do you mean?" she squeaked as she looked the other way.

I had a knowing smile as I responded, "You know exactly what I mean, miss Dash."

Her blush had no intention of disappearing as she floundered for a moment, eventually allowing Cadet Rainbow Dash to return to Equestria and answer. "Bondage..."

I turned an ear towards her, trying to make out what she just said. "Pardon?"


I was confused. "What di-"

"BONDAGE!" she screamed before flying off in an embarrassed panic. She almost made a sonic rainboom as she scampered away.

I could only look dumbfounded. So that's what the big bad Dash likes...

Author's Note:

Yep, I did just write that. Yes, I will continue writing this. No, I do not feel good about myself.

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