• Member Since 7th Mar, 2013
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TheWraithWriter


Commissions Are Closed. We now continue with out regularly scheduled Pony

T

After a crash leaves Rainbow Dash with the mental state of a child, her friends look after her. At the moment, It's Fluttershy's turn, but she's handling the situation well. Even though, and of course she would never admit it, the strain is starting to get to her. But just a little. Rainbow Dash is her friend, and Fluttershy would sooner die than let her suffer. She can take it.

She can take it.


Just a heads up, this is a might bit darker than my usual stuff.

A commission for Hoovier

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 88 )

Did.... Did Flutters nearly....

This was so sad, but I want more.

You did a really good job of painting a desperate mental state for Fluttershy. My only real criticism is that you only explain the premise of why Rainbow Dash is like this in the story description and not in the story itself. The result is that this feels more like a disconnected scene than a full story. Just a bit more setting establishment would go a long way here.

9090862
She sure did.

9091155
:trollestia:

9091240
Maybe later.

9091465
Fair point. But I assume most people would read the description and I didn't want to bother with another crash and/or hospital scene.

9091585
No need to write the crash or a hospital scene. You just need to work a few lines of exposition into the existing text. Just mention that there was a crash, and how the others have been sharing the caretaker duties while they come up with a permanent solution. There's a lot of potential emotional depth to be plumbed by just having Fluttershy constantly trying to not compare what Rainbow is now to what she used to be.

The problem with relying on the story description is that it exists outside of the text. If that information is necessary to understand the story, then it should be in the text itself.

This was really good! While I'd of course love to see more I quite think it is good as it! Great job!:twilightsmile:

9091607
Ah, now there's an idea.

The story was great. b-but damn.....

9091607
I’m glad you enjoyed my commission, friendo!

It also might be helped by adding a reason why Flutters is doing it all on her own. Something like it's her fault or responsibility Dash got like that, and casually mentioned somewhere.

But i did like it overall.

And that is why Fluttershy should have hoofed Rainbow off to one of the girls sooner. You start thinking like that, and you might as well let the bad guys win.

Because you're no better than them at that point.

Rainbow must have taken one hell of a hit to the head if her mental state was set back that much.

Question though. Where are Rainbow's parents in all this? Take away their over enthusiasam for everything she does, they're still her family.

Really dark.

9091755
Well, I guess when the subject matter doesn't gross me out, the actual writing talent comes through. Like I said, the only thing I think this story needs is just a little more setting establishment.

This is very sad and I want to know more.

9091839
The idea was that she feels the other can't do it properly. At least, that's what I tried to convey.

9091877
Her parents are dead.

9091882
So dark you need a flashlight.

9091973
Maybe in the future.

9091963
:yay:
Thanks, my ideas are always pretty good!

9092030
Did I miss that in story? With all the dark and depressing stuff going on I might have.

9092076
I forgot about them and just said that to fix the problem. lol

So.....I read the description.....saw the comments.....but what Fluttershy was contemplating.... Worse than I feared.....and yet, I think I want to read some more. Especially with the way you ended it.

Interesting idea for a story, and when you think about it, probably all too real for some parents who have children that are grown up, but function on a very childlike level. I remember seeing a documentary about families like that where they have to take care of their child as a full grown adult due to something like a inability for the brain to properly grow or something of the sort.

You did a really good job with that part, and its easily to see childlike Rainbow being that energetic and almost impossible to control at times. Fluttershy actually getting exhausted and frustrating enough to even hint at killing her was surprising, given who she was and all. The way she acted was probably the best part of this, hovering the line between still retaining her own personality and sanity and completely losing it.

I'd actually add a sad tag to this, and its even more apparent after reading it, but that's just me.

Terrific job with this!

-DJRD

This was very good. Painful, but in a good way. A lot of the stories here have a fantasy element to them (I mean, MLP so of course they do). Some of my favourites focus a lot on magic and the darkness involved-I do love me some dark Twilight fics. But this had a sense of...realism to it? It focused on a topic that isn't confined to the world its in. I could easily see this situation happen in real life which makes it all the more poignant. Very well done.

...o sad Alexa play Despa...
ez dislike farming XD

9092136
Glad you enjoyed it.

9092324
Thank you.

9092245
You nailed the themes perfectly. Yes!
I'm really excited that you like it.

Filly1 #28 · 2 weeks ago · · 6 ·

I honestly don't understand how Fluttershy degrades to this mentality. If it was another pony, this would make more sense, but not Fluttershy. She's had experience with handling hyperactive troublesome fillies before. The Stare Master with the CMC. Their troubles broke stuff and even found themselves in life threatening danger after getting lost in the Everfree Forest, where Fluttershy had to save them.

After dealing with that, I don't see how Fluttershy couldn't handle a Rainbow Dash with this mentality. Especially with how this story was ending. It looked like despite her mentality, Rainbow Dash was still caring and learning from her mistakes. We don't see Rainbow getting herself or others hurt much at all in this story. Because of that, Rainbow didn't seem like that big of a troublemaker to begin with.

Whatever drove that mentality for Fluttershy to think those thoughts, I don't get what drove those thoughts with just this chapter. I don't even think there's an explanation for how long this had been going on.

Okay, but like. I really liked this. I don't know how long Fluttershy has been doing this, but it's been a very long time. My head keeps wanting to put six months on it, but that could be my own expectations of my personal patience worn through? I'm glad it ended the way it did - great writing!

I have a heavily disabled younger sister
Who is deaf, Cerebral palsy, marrow throat and damaged legs and the mental age of a five to six year old despite being eighteen
And you’ve hit it on the head of what it’s like to look after a disabled person
Take this like with honour you magnificent bastard

No words for how to this is

Wow...literally speechless here. I mean, this is a good slice of life story here. I actually felt for Fluttershy. And Rainbow. Thank you for this heart felt tale. I'll remember this always. :twilightsmile:

9092574
From the perspective we got and the overall tone of the story this was one of the easy days and handling special needs people is a very demanding job that is physically, mentally and emotionally draining even more so when it's someone who up until now was just fine then had a terrible accident like depicted in the story

As someone who takes care of her disabled sibling, you have perfectly captured the struggle of being a caregiver for a special needs person. You love them, you want to care for them, and you're certain nobody knows them as well as you do or can do as good a job as you... but it's so exhausting in all senses of the word, and it's so hard to have any life or identity outside of being their caregiver.

You made me cry while reading this. Bravo.

Filly1 #35 · 2 weeks ago · · 3 ·

9092954

From the perspective we got and the overall tone of the story this was one of the easy days and handling special needs people is a very demanding job that is physically, mentally and emotionally draining even more so when it's someone who up until now was just fine then had a terrible accident like depicted in the story

If this was one of the easy days, then how would that drive be driving the mentality further? It's not just one of the easy days, but it was one of the easy days that was improving Rainbow's nature. And what part depicted that this had been going on for months?

And looking from the other comments, everyone is relating it to taking care of a disabled child. How is that a comparison to this story? All we got from this story was that Rainbow Dash had an accident that left her with a mentality of a child. (Which isn't even described in the story.) This Rainbow Dash looked no more hyper than the CMC. (Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, who as I've mentioned before, put themselves in life-threatening danger that even risked Fluttershy's life.) And there's nothing else I saw in the story that depicted that Rainbow Dash was handicapped at all.

Curify #36 · 2 weeks ago · · 1 ·

9092998
1. Every morning, Fluttershy would say the same four words outside the door to her friend’s room. Every morning she would sit there, straining her ears, hoping and praying that a scratchy voice would beg her for five more minutes of sleep.

This implies that this is routine.

2. Fluttershy’s stomach chose to be the millionth one to complain to her that morning. It was by far the easiest to ignore.

This also implies that it is routine, since hunger over time is easier to ignore even if you've been starving for a while.

3. “I know you can, but,” Twilight sighed, looking her friend in the face. “Fluttershy, I could see the bags under your eyes from the road.”

The fact that Twilight can see these bags from the road (a distance) definitely tells us that this isn't just one week. This is a long time.

Do I need to go on?


And to answer your second, look back at who you compared her to, and then realize that you answered your own question.

If you haven't realized, Rainbow Dash used to be more controlled but still expressive. She had her own mojo, her own lingo. Have you seen any of that in the story? The accident stripped what Dash was as a pony, and now she's left as a toddler who has little to no care of others, even though she does care (social awareness [it's normal so don't think that's a huge negative]).

Glad I could help read the story for you.

EDIT: The backstory of the accident doesn't need to be present, because the whole point of the story is what happens afterwards.

Filly1 #37 · 2 weeks ago · · 2 ·

9093102
Well, you answered the first part to my question well, but not the second part.

If you haven't realized, Rainbow Dash used to be more controlled but still expressive. She had her own mojo, her own lingo. Have you seen any of that in the story? The accident stripped what Dash was as a pony, and now she's left as a toddler who has little to no care of others, even though she does care (social awareness [it's normal so don't think that's a huge negative]).

Rainbow Dash was left as a toddler, a child, but people are comparing that to being handicapped. I'll repeat, all I saw was just a Rainbow Dash who was similar to Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo's behavior. How this sort of behavior left Fluttershy deprived for months to this mentality is what I don't understand, especially since we were seeing Rainbow's behavior improve in this story. If it was another character, sure, but not somepony who's actually had experience with this before, and a far worse one as I described:

put themselves in life-threatening danger that even risked Fluttershy's life.

And then you're mentioning this:

and now she's left as a toddler who has little to no care of others,

But we see this:

Fluttershy pulled her head up, looking over to see Rainbow Dash standing there beside her, a look of worry on her face.
“Are you okay?”
Fluttershy choked out something that might have been a laugh. “Y-yeah. I’m okay, Rainbow.”
Rainbow took a step forward. “Bad dream?”
Fluttershy nodded. “A very bad dream.”

That sounds very caring. And that was during a time when Rainbow was supposed to be sleeping.

And lastly:

EDIT: The backstory of the accident doesn't need to be present, because the whole point of the story is what happens afterwards.

That's certainly not the message I get from more serious critics. I've seen people get legitimately mad over a dark story because it had no backstory to explain why it happened.

Curify #38 · 2 weeks ago · · 1 ·

9093135
It took me five minutes to look up an article by the U.S. Library of Medicine to come up with a response to your question since it's still up in the air even though it's plain to see:

Common Regressive Behaviors Exhibited by Hospitalized Patients

Engaging in quiet baby talk
Being incontinent (of feces or urine)
Crying
Sucking on objects or body parts
Verbally abusing staff
Whining
Being mute
Needing a comfort object like a stuffed animal
Playing possum or dumb
Being physically aggressive (eg, hitting, scratching, biting, kicking)
Assuming the fetal position
Rocking
Pacing
Having temper tantrums
Bed-wetting

I had to take an option out due to it being nsfw, but yeah. I put the options in bold that were used in the story the stuffed animal being Spitfire (she needed this to fall asleep with), temper tantrums being what causes Fluttershy to have a hard time with Rainbow Dash in that whole opening scene, and pacing was used to make the anxiousness in Rainbow look like excitement for breakfast, when in fact, it's much more darker than that. I mean, there might be more that I missed here in this story, but these are the ones that appeared the most bluntly.

Source of the information I pulled this from. And yes, this could've been even more blunt and more dark, but it didn't need to be. In the innocence was the dark reminder that, every waking moment, Fluttershy was reminded of what stripped her best friend of her identity. And she has to live with that, and she regrets it so much that it hurts (the thoughts of suicide now creep in). She wished she could've done something to help prevent this but it's too late.

EDIT: You do realize that 'critics' are not the author? If you're going to be a critic, you have to think in terms of the author's perspective. If the author didn't have a backstory explained, then isn't it clear as day that maybe, just maybe the whole point of the story was the aftermath and not the backstory? As I said before, the backstory wouldn't give too much that we already know through interactions and implications of narration.

Also for that one part where you took what I said, read that again, and notice I used the phrase 'little to no care'. That scene was the little that you highlighted.

Filly1 #39 · 2 weeks ago · · 3 ·

9093160
You're not understanding me here. I do understand how somepony can be deprived to this mental state. I don't understand how Fluttershy's the one that gets deprived to this mental state. Every day, she takes care of animals with their own issues, and clearly enjoys every second of it. She takes care of Angel who constantly gives her a hard time. And she's had life threatening difficulties taking care of the CMC.

the stuffed animal being Spitfire (she needed this to fall asleep with),

Wouldn't Fluttershy enjoy that?

temper tantrums being what causes Fluttershy to have a hard time with Rainbow Dash in that whole opening scene,

Angel Bunny every day.

pacing was used to make the anxiousness in Rainbow look like excitement for breakfast, when in fact, it's much more darker than that.

Could you elaborate on that? Because what I saw from that scene was Rainbow Dash eating her breakfast like an animal. Fluttershy takes care of animals every day. What exactly is the much darker picture in that scene?

And your last comment:

EDIT: You do realize that 'critics' are not the author? If you're going to be a critic, you have to think in terms of the author's perspective. If the author didn't have a backstory explained, then isn't it clear as day that maybe, just maybe the whole point of the story was the aftermath and not the backstory? As I said before, the backstory wouldn't give too much that we already know through interactions and implications of narration.

I just want to elaborate that the people who made those sort of critics, I don't really agree with them. I was just saying that because that's the experience that I've dealt with and I've seen so many people agree to those critics. I'm not saying this as a criticism for this story, I'm just saying that for all stories in general.

As I said before, the backstory wouldn't give too much that we already know through interactions and implications of narration.

Yes, I get that part now. What I don't get is how it happens to Fluttershy.

Curify #40 · 2 weeks ago · · 1 ·

9093186
It's plain to see in the story. I told you it from the get-go that Fluttershy is tired as fuck and is hungry. When you're hungry and tired, do you think that person is going to be mentally stable? You need energy to feed the machine, if you don't, you're fucked. Let me also state that what we watch is a cartoon. It doesn't show it all in real time they have twenty-two minutes to smash a whole day or so into an episode.

To respond to your quotes:

1. Fluttershy would enjoy that. It would give her time to breathe, even though she's struggling to stay functional. It's not cute, it's absolutely dark that Rainbow Dash now doesn't have her aspirations. The reminder of those aspirations of being a Wonderbolt (or was) are now locked behind a childish behavior (having a stuffed toy of her Captain).

2. And... your point? Rainbow Dash is not a bunny that can't speak. Angel is not the one age regressed here, or had an accident that had this trauma. Stick to the story, because those aren't comparable.

3. Read the story. Chart how many times Fluttershy notices Rainbow's behavior being not normal to what Rainbow Dash in the show would do. Notice how many of them are behaviors that a child without any awareness would have? If I have to explain everything to you, then the story would be entirely spoiled and you wouldn't learn from what I'm telling you.

This is my last reply. Yes story discussion is great, but I'm not going to be filling up a comments section because you want to be adamant on a point that 'critics' say when you haven't given me anything from the 'critics' that are supposedly out in the ether furiously finagling their words. The only person here that really said that there should be more towards the exposition/backstory was JD McGregor, and, although this story could have some more setup, it doesn't need it since it's not the point of the story.

Filly1 #41 · 2 weeks ago · · 3 ·

9093194
So in conclusion, all of the points you are saying are basically far darker than I'm seeing them. Because of that, I'm never gonna understand what people see in this story because these scenes just don't seem that dark to me. Despite the accident, Rainbow Dash still looked pretty happy. The only scene that was dark to me was during the time Fluttershy accidentally cuts herself then gets all those thoughts of suicide or murder.

But everything else, I just don't see as being as dark as you're saying they are.

Dark story is dark~

9092772
However long is up to the reader. And I'm glad you like it.

9092809
I shall, good sir.

9092903
Quite.

9092913
Thank you.

9092954
Exactly.

9092982
I hear ya. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

This was a extremely difficult story to read, I really felt the weight on Flutter's shoulder and the thoughts going through her mind. And at times I wish my empathy wasn't so strong, I felt like I was going through what Fluttershy was going through.

And the dark thoughts creeping up was the breaking point where she could go off the deep end but fortunately for her sake and Dash's she stop herself and get help.

This story deserves a like and a favorite from me.

9093293
Thank you.

9093135
Although Curify did make many of the points I would have already, I did want to address one thing in particular.

(BTW for everyone, big spoiler, don't look at until after reading the story)

Fluttershy pulled her head up, looking over to see Rainbow Dash standing there beside her, a look of worry on her face.
“Are you okay?”
Fluttershy choked out something that might have been a laugh. “Y-yeah. I’m okay, Rainbow.”
Rainbow took a step forward. “Bad dream?”
Fluttershy nodded. “A very bad dream.”

The implication I was going for here is that Rainbow is only parroting or half-understanding what she's saying and Fluttershy is interpreting what she wants to with this exchange. Maybe even throw in the possibility that this exchange isn't really happening and is just in Fluttershy's head.

Filly1 #47 · 2 weeks ago · · 2 ·

9093361
So you're saying that scene was only in Fluttershy's mind and it didn't actually happen?

9093383
Or maybe it did happen.

Filly1 #49 · 2 weeks ago · · 1 ·

9093656
So it's up to us to decide if it actually happened or not?

Curious as to how the others are handling this regressed Rainbow Dash.

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