Tales from the Cosmos Eccentric

by RB_

Honeymoon Blues

“Sooooo,” Pinkie Pie said, leaning across the table. “Have you decided where you’re going on your honeymoon yet?”

Lyra lifted her gaze from the mountains of blank invitations still on the table.

“We were thinking Prance,” she said. She finished signing the latest of the cards and shuffled it over to the significantly smaller ‘completed’ pile. “Y’know, see the Trifle Tower, visit the Houvre, eat snails—typical romantic couple stuff.”

Pinkie bit her lip. All eight of them.

“Could I convince you to maybe… not do that?”

Lyra paused, pen mid-stroke.

“…Why?”

“Well,” Pinkie said, touching the tips of her hooves together. “You know how they have those catacombs?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s an army of horrible abominations of flesh and eyes living in them,” said the horrible abomination of flesh and eyes.

“Oh.”

“And it’s kiiinda their hunting season……”

“Alright,” Lyra said, “We won’t go to the catacombs, then.”

“…Did you know that the catacombs actually extend into a network of caves that covers all of Prance?”

“Okay,” Lyra said. “Prance is off the table. Gotcha.”

“It’s for the best,” Pinkie said. “Snails don’t taste that great, anyway.”

Lyra went back to the invitations.

---

“How do I look?” Bon Bon asked.

“Exquisite, darling!” Rarity said. “That suit really suits you—and the accents really bring out your eyes! But are you sure I can’t tempt you into a dress?”

“I’m sure,” Bon Bon said, smiling. “Inside joke. Pinkie?”

“I completely agree!” Pinkie said. “You look great! Although… maybe something a bit tighter around the waist?”

Rarity tapped her chin. “Hm… you may be right, actually. Hold that thought; I’ll take a look in the back.”

Rarity trotted out of the dressing room, leaving Pinkie and Bon Bon alone.

“It’s really nice of you to do this for us,” Bon Bon said.

“Oh, don’t even mention it!” Pinkie said. “You two deserve nothing less than the best. And the best is Rarity’s specialty!”

“Still, thank you.”

Pinkie waved her hoof dismissively. “It’s nothing.”

Bon Bon smiled, and then glanced back at the mirror.

She really did look good in a suit.

“Hey, speaking of the best,” Pinkie said, “have you two decided on a honeymoon destination yet?”

“We have, actually,” Bon Bon said. “Matadoria.”

“Ooh, spicy!” Pinkie said. “Make sure you bring plenty of bug spray, though.”

Bon Bon blinked.

“Why? Are insects a big problem there?”

Pinkie snorted. “You could say that! See, there are these giant, fire-breathing dragonfly monsters called the Caballucos…”

Bon Bon cut her off.

“No,” she said. “We haven’t decided yet.”

---

“Oh my gosh, it’s perfect!” Lyra exclaimed.

Pinkie took back the sketch of the cake. A baker’s blueprint, if you will.

“I know, right?” she said. “It’ll make the MMM look like a trifle by comparison!”

“Yeah!” Lyra said. “Also, what’s the MMM?”

“Yesterday’s news,” Pinkie said. She rolled up the plans and stuck them under her baker’s hat. “So! Did you figure out where you’re going for your honeymoon?”

Lyra’s demeanor immediately changed.

“W-well, um…” she said. “We were thinking about Pegasopolis? Ancient pegasus architecture, wonderful art, exotic food—”

“Not to mention the back entrance to Tartarus!” Pinkie said, smile as big as ever. “It’s really scenic—make sure you bring a camera! Just don’t get too close, or Orthrus will get mad.”

“Orth…rus?”

“Cerberus’ brother,” Pinkie explained. “He’s always a bit cranky, though, because he’s the less popular one. So mind his teeth!”

Lyra blinked.

“Y’know, on second thought…”

---

“Shetland.”

“Ooh, say hi to the Nuckelavee for me!” Pinkie said. “Or don’t. Probably don’t.”

---

“Venisen?”

“If you hear mysterious singing in the middle of the night, run in the opposite direction. Especially if it’s coming from the canals!”

---

“…Trottingham?”

“How do you feel about the undead?”

---

“Applewood.”

“No.”

Bon Bon blinked. “Just… no?”

“No.”

“…Do I want to—”

“No.”

---

Alright,” Lyra said, slapping her hooves onto the table. “There has to be somewhere on Equis not inhabited by monsters, zombies, portals to hell, or horrors beyond imagining.”

She glanced at Pinkie. “No offense.”

“None taken!”

“So tell us,” Bon Bon said. “Because we’ve pretty much exhausted the list of ‘normal’ honeymoon destinations.”

“We just want a nice, relaxing, creatures-from-beyond-the-veil free vacation,” Lyra said. “Can you recommend anywhere?”

“Well,” Pinkie said, tapping her chin. “I can think of one place…”

---

“Well, it’s… not exactly Prance,” Bon Bon said, gazing across the dilapidated, straw-covered architecture of Griffonstone.

“No,” Lyra agreed. “It isn’t.”

But they were there, and they were there together, and that’s all that mattered.

“Scone?”

“Don’t mind if I do.”

Comments

[Inthretis]

Griffonstone! It's so bleak not even monsters want to live there!

[Ze1a7in]

Why am I not surprised that Pinkie is on a first name basis with the Nuckelavee?

[B_Munro]

Strictly speaking, none of these places have more per capita monster attacks than Ponyville.