• Member Since 22nd Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

The Bricklayer


Slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be, before your time... -Vienna, The Stranger: Billy Joel

T
Source

Ancient Egypt, the land of the scorching Sun and myths and legends going back centuries. And now the home of one Sunset Shimmer, a refugee of Equestria and now the personal consort of one Queen Somnambula.

Of course, if one certain Snake of Shadows and Chaos has anything to say about that, Sunset's happiness won't last. Now, it's up to Somnambula to take on the hardest challenge she's ever faced. Her country, or her love?

Written for Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest: Journeys.

Written with help from Thunderclap.

(Featured? Wow... Wasn't expecting that.)

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 44 )
R5h

Congrats on being the first entrant to the contest!

This is wonderfully written and it is a hot to read. By any chance will there be any prequels and sequels or just this one shot? If not then, that's okay. :pinkiehappy:

Immediately started thinking of this. Also is there an image of Sunset in her servant outfit?

9089477
Not planning on any, this was just a one-off experiment really. Just to see if I could make this idea work.

9089528
Okay, two things. One, I so going to try and find that song off of Google Play, and two... Surprisingly enough there is. (Or maybe not, considering this is Sunset we're talking about AKA the EG sex icon.) pre00.deviantart.net/5704/th/pre/i/2013/323/3/7/sunset_shimmy_by_mayorlight-d6ux1n9.jpg

9089555
So this is what Sunset looks like in this story? Also what about Sommnambula. Can't find any decent human pictures of her.

9089549
Alright that's cool.

P.S. Rick Riordan is best mythology writer!!

9089557
Shame really. There's not any that I could find. One of the reasons why I had to resort to the cover art you see here, because there really wasn't much to work with, pony wise.

9089561
Oh yes, that he is. I eagerly await for the day he tackles Japanese myth.

9089566
Try Mauroz, he's got a nice image of human Sommnambula

Also I'm guessing you liked my music suggestion?

9089572
Oh yes, and thanks for the namedrops on both the artist and the song title.

9089568
That Sounds cool but I think his next mythos could be Aztec.

9089582
Okay, yeah, that definitely matches what I had in my head while writing her.

9089583
Hoo boy, that's going both be a headache to wrap one's hands around, and a headache to tone down for readers. If I remember, those myths were very bloody.

9089566
Actually there are some, just NSFW ones of her.

Found a good one for you though
derpicdn.net/img/2018/6/17/1759665/large.png

9089595
True, but I wouldn't mind as long as Quetzacoatal is invovled somehow. He's my fave Aztec god.

Ri2

As a fan of Egyptian mythology, this was great! Though I'm a little confused about something. You said they have magic pillows to PREVENT falling into Duat. So...does that mean anyone who's not royalty is constantly falling to Duat in their sleep?

9089822
Honestly, I'm not sure really myself on this aspect. I can assume every Egyptian has one of these special pillows in their homes, or at least every magician. My knowledge of Egypt myth isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.

this was REALLY GOOD and i would love more of this universe out side the contest hell does ra some how know celestia as fellow deities that raise a sun

just all of the kudos

9089917

hell does ra some how know celestia as fellow deities that raise a sun

It's possible, I mean considering Ra's pretty much crossing dimensions into the afterlife via the Duat, travel to the pony world shouldn't be that hard for him.

Okay, on a more critical point while this story is solid enough, I do feel it could be improved.

1. Would've been nice if we got a few flashbacks showing how this relationship developed since we don't get any hints or mentions of how this came to be

2. I'm pretty curious how Sunset adapted to this new world. With the human world in Equestria Girls adapting would be easier than one would think. Main differences were humans instead of ponies, greater technology and lack of a monarchy. However, Sunset being smart and resourceful could easily use things like the Internet and the like to learn all she needs quickly. Here, however, she's in a country that has an extremely hostile climate, practically no technology of any kind and Sunset is a servant/consort to a queen as opposed to the all-powerful magic Apprentice she used to be. Seems a little odd she would just get over her initial motivations is what I'm saying. Plus there's the matter of adapting to new forms of magic and gods and all that extra stuff.

Still the story itself is pretty sweet and, extremely hot even if you ignore the Egyptian setting. Still nice, but not flawless.

9090330
While yes, I admit you bring up some massively good points in your second piece of critique such as why Sunset's just relegated herself to being something simple as a consort -And I suppose a few years have passed since her arrival, plus Somnambula's speculations about her Inferiority Superiority Complex- could explain this, there is one small thing about your first point.

1. Would've been nice if we got a few flashbacks showing how this relationship developed since we don't get any hints or mentions of how this came to be

The rules of the contest firmly stated, and I quote:

  • Can I start the story in the present, then flash back and tell the story about how they got together? - No. Usage of brief flashbacks is okay, but the purpose of this contest is for stories about ongoing relationships, not how they got started.

9090812
Sorry, wasn't familiar with that rule. But yeah, not trying to be rude, the story is still entertaining, don't get me wrong and I dig the relationship between the two.

Just, I'm an editor and I can't help but point stuff like that out.

Ri2

9089900
Regardless, I really enjoyed it. As well as the royal family being on first-name basis with Ra and other gods enough for them to be asked to fill in if someone needs a day off. How do the divines feel about Somnambula and Sunset's relationship?

9090850
Yeah, I get ya there. I'm no editor, and in your place if I hadn't known the rule I would have probably asked this as well.

9090944
It's hard to tell really, there's a story about two Pharaohs who may have been lovers, (And Pharaohs were thought of as Gods...) but at the same time from the way history goes they may have simply been conjoined twins. Hard to tell really. As for the divine side of things, there's a story about Horus and Seth. (Granted, Seth raped Horus in the story...)

Ri2

9090957
I...don't think I've heard that one.

9090959
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Egypt I had to actually look after you brought up this question about what the Divine thought, as it got me curious as well.

This...I did not see coming, but as a fan of ancient Egypt, I definitively approve.

Though, given that this is an MLP fic, I can't help but draw parallels here and there. For example:
Ra=Celestia
Apep=Nightmare Moon
Set=Discord.

It may just be how they were depicted here, but I can't help but see the resemblance.

9091072
Trust me, Apep/Apophis, (Depending on what name you use. I used Apep as it was easier to spell) is far worse than Nightmare Moon, or Discord for that matter. He, when you think of chaos being nothing but evil, is exactly that and that's an understatement. He wants to destroy anything and everything. But yeah, there are parallels in a sense.

9091132
I think Apep is the original name while Apophis was some kind of Greek or Roman version of it, but I may be mistaken so don't quote me on this. Though personally, I kinda prefer Apophis, though that's mainly because of Stargate.

I demand a sequel! Nuff said. :twilightsmile:

Oh man, that was really good. Like, really good, mate.

This is a great experience. As someone who have looked up a bunch of different mythological storys, I could greatly appreciate the references to the Egyptian mythos. Beyond that I really like the dynamic you went for between sunset and Somnambula. To me it was an all around phenomenal read.

9090957
Didn't Horus go and jizz in Seth's salad at some point too? I forget exactly, it's been awhile.

9089595
Aztec mythology is also just weird on the whole, and that's without taking all the blood and such into account. There is no real definitive line on who is generally good and who is generally bad; it's probably the best candidate for a mythology that fits the Blue and Orange Morality trope. Gods do things that seem contrary to any sort of previous actions they have made, make conflicting demands, all kind of stuff. It's because of how back-and-forth a lot of the legends go that I haven't gotten as deeply into it as I have other mythologies.

If, however, you can get past that, there are a lot of cool stories to tell.

9096319
I think he did, if I remember the myth correctly.:pinkiesick: Thank you for that lovely mental image.

9096323
Happy to oblige. :trollestia:

Fascinating concept, certainly. A period piece, a novel ship, and presenting Somnambula and Flash Magnus and Cleopatra and Marc Antony? You definitely had my interest.

That said, this does fall through at times. The narration of a third-person story should, with exceedingly few exceptions, never address the reader as yours does. Furthermore, while your research was overall well-done and well-incorporated, that made the anachronisms that still made it into the story stand out all the more. An ancient Egyptian pharaoh pondering a psychological complex (especially one that comes out of TV Tropes rather than the DSM-5) is more than a little disconcerting. And then there's, well...

Now, as we Romans like to say: Veni, vidi, vici! Or in plain English, I came, I saw, I conquered

Do I even need to explain what's wrong here?

Also, while you didn't have much to work with from canon, Somnambula and Flash felt rather flat and generic. Flash especially just feels like little more than Stock Supportive Gay Friend in a legionnaire's armor. You build a fascinating world of antiquity and applied magic, but you don't do enough with the people in that world.

That all being said, this was still an engaging read. Best of luck in the contest.

Apep, the great serpent who would like nothing less than to swallow Ra (And the sun itself whole) and render the whole world into darkness forever more.
Hey look! Nightmare Moon long lost brother! :trollestia:

“Now, as we Romans like to say: Veni, vidi, vici! Or in plain English, I came, I saw, I conquered,”

So a Roman is talking to an Egyptian in plain english... :ajbemused:
That nitpick aside, nice work.

9183230

“Now, as we Romans like to say: Veni, vidi, vici! Or in plain English, I came, I saw, I conquered,”

So a Roman is talking to an Egyptian in plain english...

9116194

Now, as we Romans like to say: Veni, vidi, vici! Or in plain English, I came, I saw, I conquered

Do I even need to explain what's wrong here?

Altered that little line so it'd make a little more sense, but really, the dialogue of the entire story would have to be in English for very obvious reasons.

9183241

the dialogue of the entire story would have to be in English for very obvious reasons.

Yes, obviously, but there is no need to directly point that out right in the middle of the story and break immersion.
For instance you could've written something alongside the lines of "Now, as we Romans like to say: Veni, vidi, vici! Or speaking plainly, I came, I saw, I conquered," to the intended effect without much trouble.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!