- Member Since 27th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Homeshine
I sometimes act like Pinkie Pie in real life
Homeshine
Joined 27th Mar, 2013 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Homeshine · 4.7k words · 389 views
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I like the start of this story, looking forward to what happens next.
Definitely interesting thus far. Between the bombs and the breakfast cereal, it seems like we're dealing with a higher tech level than the Hearth's Warming pageant indicated, and the suspiciously human mythology hints at even more beneath the surface. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this.
9095357
Yup and yup. The pageant was the end of the war, remember :) That was well after the long, hard grind, and well past anyone still thinking war was a good idea.
Right now, it's not even cold, yet!
Interesting beginning. Needs a bit of an editing pass, but I like it! ^_^
I'm not sure if I'm impressed or disappointed that you resisted the urge to call the vehicle a pegabus.
I have the distinct sense that at some point, she's going to have to lie to them.
Huh. That was a rather understated ascension. I mean, they can't all open with the Particle Accelerator of Harmony, but this read more like Pokémon evolution. Still, this will greatly complicate matters. Poor Homeshine. She never asked for this.
Interesting. I didn't think that Celestia would ascend so fast here, but I'm not exactly complaining. I did get a kick out of her and Luna deciding to test the bridge after being told not to cross it - that is SO what kids do XD
Something I left in that I liked:
The pegasus race refer to themselves as "pegasi", but other races refer to them as "pegases". Perhaps it is that Greco-Roman bent the pegasus has.
Well. That went by quickly. Seriously, you rushed through what could've been a fascinating story so quickly you left half of it behind. What angle does Homeshine have on Hurricane? How did the earth ponies get involved in the mass teleport? If unicorns didn't move the sun and moon, why exactly did the other tribes put up with them before the war?
You had some fantastic ideas here, but the breakneck pacing meant you couldn't explore them effectively. It's a real shame.
9198644
I do see your point about the fast pacing.
I plan to do a sequel for the post-teleport era.
This is a story of Celestia and Luna's chapter in this history, even though they're not the "main character", so shouldn't the chapter close when they made their contribution to the history? This is their slice of the pie.
Two, those are all very good questions I hadn't originally planned to address in the main story, but now I can. Which is why I love comments with tweaks. I can certainly put more "pie" in the remainder of the story. This campaign is the "storyness" I had outlined for this book, not that there couldn't be more; this is what I'd included in this package, other points of view would see different packages, if that makes sense?
*
Minor spoiler: The Earth ponies had tunneled into the side of the mountain for defence to the civilian areas from areal assault or rocket attack. So when the mountain range left ... well... the Earth ponies went with it.
This was a very good story. It was in my 'to read folder' and I'm glad I got to it. I really loved the character and character of Homeshine. I know that it might be considered a fast paced story, but in a way that is a good thing. It allows the reader to come to their own conclusions about the open ended events and situation. But more would be very welcome. But thanks for a very good read. It is a crime that this story doesn't have more likes.