A Chaotic Memory

CluelessDetective

CluelessDetective #1 · Dec 10th, 2011 · · ·

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This was pretty good! Also, was this based off of the song 'I Remember'?

Leoheartxx2

Leoheartxx2 #2 · Dec 10th, 2011 · · ·

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Nice story...im a little blur at 1st but it turn out ok in the end...just fix ur grammar and spelling and it will be ok

Marisher

Marisher #3 · Dec 10th, 2011 · 1 · ·

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Well. That was worth the read, at the very least.

I'm not trying to hurt you or anything, but in some parts it felt weak, and overall it went too fast for my liking.
The idea that a pony turning into the twisted fiend Discord is a very good idea, one I thought about doing myself.
Yours could use a bit more detail, more development, I feel.
Slow down the pace. Let those feelings of... was it hateful love?
I thought it was hateful love.
Stretch it out a bit more.
You jumped large chunks of the events, the development of his powers, and moreover I didn't really feel he turned into... that kind of a pony(?), more like he got shoved into it.
If you're going build up to the current representation of Discord, let it flow.
I'm probably confusing you, so I'll state the basic points- Needs a bit more length, and in that length, describe out a bit more everything in general, what is happening.
You have a good base, the right, believable reasons for everything (more or less), just tell me more what is happening.
I feel like I only got a summary for the most part of the story.
My main point here- Lengthen it, more detail on what is going on is needed, not just estimated lapses of time to show how long it took.
How did those events affect him, considering he worked so hard and so long at them?
And where does the "disharmony" and "chaos" part of him come into play?
Just sounded like a peeved off guy with a malevolent angle and the means to do it, simply to get back at a girl, albeit his true love but still... And...why did Sench, Corn, Annie, and Ner just go along with the entire thing, and how did he persuade almost the entire army to rebel against the alicorns?
And how did he end up transforming, and especially into that?!
And all, all the ponies still accepted him, and just simply went with that he was ruler?
How were they so sure he would be as bad (If the alicorns were bad at all, and not just HE was mad at them.) if not worse than the alicorns?
And how exactly did it come to him waiting for Celestia, and she failing to show up and sending Luna to tell him it was over?
Did they have something before?
And how did that, if they did, come come to be?
Sounds like she must have fallen hard for him first, if she even wanted to be with a 'mudpony' (nice term by the way. Harry Potter reference?).
I'm sorry... I just notice these things.
The idea is good, the writing is followable, but.. it really needs some work.
Better execution is needed.
Maybe an overhaul?
I don't think I could do better job.
I am just trying my best to help your idea be the best it can be.
If I repeated myself or offended you, I'm really sorry.
Like I said... these things don't escape my notice, when I really pay attention.
And your story caught mine.
I would say more, but honestly, I feel like I've said too much already.
Keep up the good work, chap!
Thank you for hearing out this daft old codger.
(I'm not really old, just like to think of myself that way.)

SORRY!
One last thing.
Maybe I'm just crazy, and the story is fine as is.
But I want more!
It raises more questions than it answers!
Please... maybe consider... chopping up this chapter, and use it as the basis for a full length story on all the events leading up to Discord's imprisonment?
It has that potential to be an excellent origin story.
I want to know, because too much is left unsaid, stuff I think is important in helping development, maybe just a little bit more?
I'd be glad to help, if you decide to do that.
If not, I understand it's your decision, and I would like to say thank you for hearing me out.
I'm really, truly, done talking now.
Again, that was worth the read.

Dsarker

Dsarker #4 · Dec 10th, 2011 · · ·

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Well, I didn't expect any of my stories to get that long a comment.

To The ArcadeLords

Yes, it is.

To Salvinaude

I was listening to the song, and reading the lyrics, one line in particular.

"And now Chaotic hatred's all I feel".

Now, Discord is chaotic. Little c chaos.

Big c Chaos are the Chaos Gods. Good old Tzeentch, Khorne, Nurgle, and Slaanesh. The names might seem a little similar to the ones in the story. Well, that's because they were the same.

Tzeentch, god of Hope, Plotting, and Magic.

Khorne, god of Honour, War, and Blood.

Nurgle, god of Love, Fatalism, and Disease.

Slaanesh, god/dess of Pleasure, Pain, and Excess.

Anyway, the rest developed from the idea that the Chaos Gods decided to use the pony who became Discord as their pawn.

Like many of the other stories I've written, it is short. It's not as short as some ("Spike stepped forward, lowering his head into the brace. KERSchling! His eyes were still open as the head hit the ground."), but yes, it is very short. I wrote it out in one short session.

Mudpony is from the Mentally Advanced Abridged series, first from the Sleepover episode, if I recall correctly ("Don't track your filthy mudpony mud into a unicorn's home!").

Mostly, however, this is lightly based on the set of comics somepony drew of Discord's origin on DA. He said that even if Celestia had accepted Discord, he'd still have become the 'evil' of the show. He would have, perhaps. But I feel corruption waits for an opening to sneak its grasp in. Discord fell right into the grasp of the Chaos Gods. Redemption for him can only be found in death.

John bostock