The Love of a Mother

by Ashen Heart

Honesty

Darkness surrounds the group of mares walking along the trail, thick trees covering any light the moon would give up. Rocks scatter under the hooves of the five ponies, a constant reminder off the looming cliff edge. A rainbow maned mare hovering nearby those who were walking. Rarity comes up beside Twilight as best as she can brushing up against her slightly as they walk.

“So, I’m aware the plan is to look for clues when we arrive at the castle, but what are the details of said plan? What if Nightmare Moon is hiding out there, or if we can’t find any information?” Rarity asks.

“If Nightmare Moon is there then we will have to try to sneak around her for now, or we can try to find some information elsewhere, but we need that information if we hope to end this eternal night and bring Princess Celestia back,” Twilight responds. Up ahead, Twilight hears Rainbow talking to the rest of the group, waving her hands around in a spooky manner.

“Nopony knows. You know why?”

“Rainbow, quit it,” Applejack chastises. Meanwhile, a purple wisp flies beside the cliff seeping into the edge itself, right in front of the group of mares.

“‘Cause everypony who’s ever come in has never come OUT!” Rainbow shouts at the end. Suddenly a crash is heard as the ground beneath the ponies crumbles. Four of the mares started to scream as they slid down the cliff edge. Instinctively, Fluttershy's wings expand to catch her from falling like her friends. In a flash, Rainbow hurriedly flies to try and catch her falling comrades.

“Fluttershy! Quick!” Rainbow calls back, trying to catch Rarity.

“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness,” Fluttershy panics as she flies over to catch Pinkie pie. Applejack, thinking quickly, grabs onto a hanging branch slowing her descent. Looking down she can see Twilight hanging off the edge screaming out for help. Considering her own safety for a moment, she decides to let go of the branch and slowly skid down to the edge Twilight hung from.

“Hold on! I’m a-comin’!” Applejack calls out, making it to the edge grabbing hold of Twilight.

“Applejack! What do I do?” Twilight exclaims, freaking out while her hind legs kick out trying to find any sort of purchase. Applejack looks at her friend panicking before catching a blue blur fly below her.

“Let go,” Applejack states resolutely.

“Are you crazy?” Twilight bites back in shock at her friend's statement.

“No I ain’t. I promise you’ll be safe.”

“That’s not true!”

“Now listen here. What I’m sayin’ to you is the honest truth. Let go, and you’ll be safe.” Applejack says firmly. Twilight looks up at Applejack with fear in her eyes. Seeing her friend's resolution, Twilight gives one final pleading look to her friend, praying to Princess Celestia for her safety, before letting go of her friend screaming all the while. She doesn’t fall for very long however as two ponies catch her and slowly bring her to the ground. Twilight feeling the ground beneath her hooves opens her eyes, and looks up at the two ponies hoovering beside her. Realization dawns on her as she stares at Applejack leaping down the side of the cliff, her friend knowing the whole time.

Everypony starts to walk ahead as Twilight lingers for a moment looking up at the cliff edge as if lost in thought. Applejack, noticing Twilight's odd behavior, encourages the others to go on ahead a little ways as she walks towards the pondering mare.

“Hey,” Applejack states simply, seeming to jerk Twilight from whatever was plaguing her mind.

“Hey,” Twilight responds.

“Are ya’ a’right there?” Applejack asks sitting beside Twilight. Looking up, Twilight hesitates as she considers if she should tell her about the memories that seem to hover in her mind. Looking back at the cliff edge and sighing, she looks back at the pony who saved her from that fall.

“Honestly, I don’t know. It’s strange all these memories that feel foreign to me. It feels more like I’m watching somepony else’s life than that of my own. One moment I was sure about who I was, and my past, then the next the rugs pulled beneath my hooves as these memories opened up. I was the star student to Princess Celestia, daughter to Twilight Velvet and Night Light, sister to the captain of the Royal guard, and now..” Twilight pauses as she gathers her thoughts. “Now I’m not sure who I am.”

Applejack sits quietly listening to her friend as she expresses her struggle. After a few moments pause to think it over Applejack says,

“Ah can’t pretend to understand what yer goin’ through Twilight, but what I do know is that family is family. It may not feel like yer memories, but they are. It might not be what ya were looking for, but it’s the truth nonetheless. The sooner ya accept it, the easier movin’ forward will be for ya,” Applejack states putting a hoof on Twilights shoulder, trying to comfort her. Before Twilight can even have a chance to respond to Applejack's words, Rainbow comes flying towards them.

“Come on, you guys! Everypony is waiting for you!” Rainbow exclaims, before flying off ahead. Applejack looks back at Twilight giving her a sympathetic smile.

“Let’s go, ‘fore she comes back again,” holding out a hoof to Twilight helping the mare back to her hooves.

“Yeah I suppose we should,” Twilight says back as she and Applejack start walking towards the other mares ahead of them.

Author's Note:

Hey everypony, got that next chapter up for you guys even if its a day later then planned. It was a lot easier for me to write this chapter then the last, even though I didn't start it right away like planned. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and let me know your feedback!

Comments

[Ali della Morte]

Nice chapter

[manacar]

Update thanks

[Doctor_Den]

if the same events proceed further as in the canon, it will look stupid and ridiculous.
firstly, the characters seem to have passed all the tests of Nightmare moon at the beginning of the story behind the scenes.
Secondly, Nightmare moon already knows that Twilight is her daughter, why put her in danger again?
thirdly, watching over and over again the repetition of cononic events in "alternative universes" with slight changes tiresome (the alternative universe is interesting because it follows an alternative path)
in this chapter it would be nice to have a joke reproaching Twilight like "why are you stepping on the same rake?" or a quote about deja vu

[Ashen Heart]

10611260
not to be rude but if your not a fan of the story no ones forcing u to read it. I don't mind constructive criticism but ur repeating stuff you've said before. and I realize the plot hole I had there I've stated that to u before but I'm trying to work around it at the moment and I do have a plan for where this story is going and why this will make sense in the end as to why we're following the events as they happened. I don't know what to tell you otherwise because this is how I'm writing the story and quite frankly this is not a serious thing for me I do this for a bit of fun every now and then. *shrugs* there's plenty of other AU stories out there that are better then this so its not like you can't read those

[Ashen Heart]

10611101
?

[Ashen Heart]

10611100
Thanks cx

[Ashen Heart]

10611260
originally I didn't have a plan for this story either I was just kinda going with the flow. This story has changed quite a bit from where I thought it was gonna, and now I'm following that and made a plan on how to progress from here til the end. This is one of my first stories after all so the writing isn't going to be 100% perfect.

[Ali della Morte]

10611376
For one of your first stories, you're doing pretty good.

[Doctor_Den]

10611370
I just voice the thoughts that first come to my mind after reading the chapter.

[Ashen Heart]

10611388
Thanks heres to hoping for improvement as I keep writing maybe some day I can rewrite this alittle better so there's not a ginormous plot hole

[Ashen Heart]

10611405
Thts fine maybe not use words like stupid or ridiculous tho might help ppl take u more seriously instead of writing u off as a troll. Ik this story isn't perfect ik tht there's some major issues in the beginning I only had a small general plan and an ending in mind when I started writing this so I didn't prepare myself properly to give the story what it deserved. I learned my lesson from tht mistake and have now came up with a more detailed plan of action on how I want the story to go forward from here and how I plan for it to end. I know it seems odd tht I'm using the events of the show as much as I am but I do have a plan for how I'm incorporating tht into the story. *shrug* this isn't going to ve the best story ever written but I hope its at least readable for some

[Doctor_Den]

10611966
maybe my speech seemed too harsh, but the fact is that I am not a native speaker of English and it can be difficult for me to clearly and at the same time correctly express my thought.
Sorry for my English.

[Ashen Heart]

10611990
that's alright it takes time to learn after all lolz. may I ask what ur native language is?

[Doctor_Den]

10612008
Russian

[Ashen Heart]

10612010
oh thats awesome! I've always kinda wanted to learn Russian but its not really taught in the school systems where I'm from and now that I'm done with school I don't know how id go about learning :P not that id be any good learning a second language I've never really learned any.

[PixelatedPerson]

Whens the next update i like it a lot so far

[Ashen Heart]

10788785
Sorry I can't give even a guess. I'm working a lot of hours at my job trying to pay for my move and I'm not sure when I'll have time to add more. I'm hoping after my move i won't have to work as much.

[flowgninthgil]

I-, okay I will be honest. YI'm no professional author, writer or anything. I'm just a random french guy who loves reading. Itried to write some things myself and I can easely say that it's not easy.
I have a problem with this story that probably come from the fact that I read a lot. the fact is, I don't like short shapters, when I started the story I finished the first cvhapter fast, way too fast for me, my problem is that you do cutyour chapters at good time since chapter start after a specific event and possibly with an elipse and ends when you reach the end of the continuity of the events of the current chapter. but even though you do make it correctly I can't shake off the feeling that they are too short. for me it might come from the fact that I feel like the events in a same chapter are following each other too quickly.
the first chapter feels like a prologue, events are shorts and since we all know what happened events are just skipped while they are still important for the immersion. We all know how the mane six got to the castle, but why cut it short? it's part of the story and everyone has it's own way to tell a story.
if you look at the second chapter, you put many details in the description of the environment, it is important to help building a picture of where they are but there's more put into the description of it that in the story itself, you describe more the memories of twilight's past that how Nightmare moon managed to find to furtherest door, I mean you can say that she just walked, but why not name a few of them here. I'm a fast reader and sometimes tend read diagonaly, I had to read the last paragraph a second time to understand that Nightmare found the earliest door and sung the lullaby she sung twilight to open it. it's not badly writen, it's just too overlooked, I can resume it as "she walked for a long time, found it locked, tryied to open it for ten minutes, sat dawn to think and sauddenly sing a llullaby that she used to sung to Twilight." the only details I missed here was that she used magic to try to open the lock and that I didn't presised for how long she hasn't sung the lullaby. it misses details, details that only the writer can add for he imagine how things looks like, for he is the only one to know what Nightmare was thinking about.
Third chapter is making a link between Nightmare unlocking the memories and Twilight fleeing with a magic surge, here my problem is that you don't have the time to "feel" the memories that already Twilight is awake and screaming while being confused, if you can't get the feelings in those memories, how would Twilight be so confused about it? she only had a memory of her walking toward an unknown mare calling here "mama", once again, you zrll it in a good way but rushes things, you need the the reader to represent him/herself into the charater, to understand why in an other that simply 2²=4, they need to see that 2² = 2*2 =2+2 = , why is Twilight angry and confused? because she suddenly got back memories of something seemingly impossible to her,but do seem impossible to her? having memories of a time older than anything she knows, of her feeling love for a pony she didn't even remembered before now, because her heart is telling her that the mare in front of her is the true mother while her brain tells her that she only had one mother in canterlot. you need to develop things to get the reader to understand how the character works, how different the writer thing she(he works compared to your way to see it.
honestly, I didn't read the next chapters for now, I wanted to but all those little details kinda stoped me. I don't want you to rewrite everything because that wouuld cut from from the line you're drawing, and you can't continue a line the exact way you staarted it if you redraw the first part of it.
what I', telling you is to try to get more into details, make the reader feel like they follow the charater through everything they live, through their problems and happiness, not just as a spectator of these events. once you'll have finished the story, then I will recommand for you to try to rewrite them, for now, try to continue your story while adding some smal details her and then while trying to keep the flow of the story going, I know it's hard and it takes time, I tried it myself, but it makes it better for the reader.

please, this is not a bad review, simply someone who spotted recurrent flaws and want you to correct them to better yourself. I will keep it in "read it later" and I might reread it in the future, this time I might even be able to read past these problems.
have a good day, and sorry if I was too harsh or anything.

[Ashen Heart]

10865341
I have no problems with what u said it was a good critique of my work and I greatly appreciate what advice u have given me. If u would've just said this story has no details so it sucks then it would've been a bad critique but since you toke the time to explain your view and explain it in a way that would help improve my writing it is a great critique. This honestly is one of my first stories I've ever written and quite clearly have little experience in how to write a good story, so every little critique helps. I'm going to try and take your advice to heart and try not to rush through the feelings of the characters or anything else. And as far as the short chapters I hate it to, hopefully if I take more time with the characters it'll help to lengthen the chapters. I want this story to be the best it can be, but with my lack of experience right now I feel I'm not doing it justice. Hopefully as I continue it I'll get those skills and maybe someday I can try to come bk to this story. Thank you for taking the time to give me your critique and I'm going to try my best to implement what you've advised.

[Harmonybringer]

How much longer until you add the next chapter

[Nalhya]

Hello. First of all, I wanted to tell you that I like your story (I really like the stories where Luna is Twilight's biological mother ^^). Also, this is one of your first stories and I find it pretty well written for a first story. Often, when starting out in writing, the plot tends to be poor and/or inconsistent, but this is not the case with this story. The plot is researched and you try to improve yourself. Just for that : well done !

However, I noticed a few things. I am generally of the same opinion as flowgninthgi (I find that we should more develop the events and the emotions of the characters). For that, I have a piece of advice for you : I write two stories me too (my first two) and to develop the events/emotions, I "put myself in the shoes" of my main characters (namely that I write in the first person unlike you, then it might not have the same effect). That is to say that I imagine myself living the situation of my characters as well as their thoughts, which allows me to precisely describe the sensations/emotions/thoughts/reactions of my characters as well as their environment and the situation they are living (maybe it would allow you to develop more events and emotions ?).

Apart from that, I have two questions :
N°1 : Normally, the Main 6 discover the "Elements of Harmony : A Reference Guide" before going to the Castle of the Two Sisters just after meeting Nightmare Moon at the town hall. But in your story, they find out later (chapter : A Reference Guide). How did the Main 6 know in the first place where the Elements was in Chapter : Summer Sun Celebration if they hadn't discovered the book yet ?

N°2 : In Chapter : Unlocked Memories, Twilight declares that she cannot be Nightmare Moon's daughter arguing that she is 22 and not 1000. But Nightmare explains to her that Celestia could have placed her in a cocoon-like sleep and thus give the impression that Twilight is only 19 years old. Why 19 and not 22 (or the reverse) ? Is this a typo ? Or is there another explanation ?

That's it ; I hope my English is correct (it's not my native language).

In any case, these first chapters are good overall, well done. I encourage you to continue. Do not be afraid of your lack of experience because this is one of your first stories, the essential and that you take pleasure in writing ^^

[Ashen Heart]

10887406
Should be soon becuz I’m gonna have more time off soon so just give me the month and I’ll have another chapter

[MorningRose]

Great story hope to see you continue it