Octavia's lived the high life for years. Practice after practice paid off and she's risen through the ranks. Now, she works for the Royal Orchestra itself, toiling every day to produce perfection. Untouchable, practiced, impeccable...lonely.
Vinyl couldn't be any lower. Out of home, out of work, and nowhere to go but to a cold grave. Cast out and left to fend for herself, Vinyl has nothing, not even a friend to call her own.
The two cross paths.
A love story that many have known, and yet different. Both come in broken, beaten down people, their only hope each other.
Chapters (21)
The cover art is very impressive. Did you make it yourself?
9079436
I wish! Source is linked on it though :)
9079534
LOL
9079544
Well, that all happened remarkably quickly.
You've got an interesting idea here, but I can't help but feel it moved far too fast for its own good. We've just met both Vinyl and Octavia and suddenly Octavia feels this connection to Vinyl and invites her into her house and Vinyl accepts. We have no clue why Octavia might feel this drawn towards this homeless pony she's never met - the description says that she's lonely and isolated, but we haven't seen any of that in the actual story, so it comes across as if the only reason she started talking is because Vinyl has pretty eyes.
And as for Vinyl, I get that she's supposed to be desperate enough to accept her offer, but that still feels like a bit of a stretch. I'd have thought that anyone who's been on the streets for any significant amount of time would know better than to trust a stranger like this no matter how desperate they are. After all, having a full belly's not going to do you much good if a knife's about to go into it.
I feel this needed to take a lot longer building up their respective characters and forging a connection before this point. For example, you say that she takes the same route every day, you could use that and have them meet a few times before she invites her to her home. That's just one possible way of doing things, of course, I'm not trying to be prescriptive, but you get my point, I hope. The whole thing feels somewhat rushed or, at the very least, premature.
I apologize if I'm being harsh, it's just there's a solid idea here and I think that, with some polish, this could make a pretty good story. And I will track to see where you go with it, but I do think there's significant room for improvement.
9079726
Honestly, this was written in an hour, so any rush that you might have read probably existed.
I'm trying to do this in a more bite sized manner than the stuff I've done previously, but how well that's going to come across is an entire different story. More likely, I'll have to get a lot more practice with this format so I can use it to write the romance I want to write a fair bit more than this one (no offense to VinylTavia, but not what I'm really wanting to do.)
Essentially, the reason that I have it working the way it is is because of the setting that it takes place in. In general, I envision Canterlot and Equestria as a whole to be a much more accepting and friendly place than anything we have on Earth. So the idea of taking a pony in for a meal or for a night wouldn't be something that's out of the ordinary.
Like you said, this could definitely get expanded on as well to actually illustrate this to the reader rather than leaving it in the gaps for people to just guess.
I think I sort of screwed myself by rushing it so much. Just been so busy, I really wanted to get something out, you know?
But thank you for the detailed feedback, I appreciate it a ton!
9079726
Also, I just edited a fair amount. It's not a lot, and I think any big changes for meetings earlier and all would take me more time, but I think this might help it out in the mean time. Added some more ~details~. I'd love to hear what you think ^^
I love where this is going, I hope to read more!
Looking forward to more
As beggings go, this is promising. Vinyl and Octavia are in character and there's a sense of mystery with the former's current state. However I can't help but feel it's a tad bit too fast paced, what with the instant housing offer. Looking forward for more.
9080199
You arent the only one to think that! Definitely gonna be something I look to fix as we go on. The additional fluff on the chapter helped, but not by a ton.
9080199
I don't mean to spam my comments, but I've edited a bit, would love to see what you thought of the changes.
Hmm... What exactly happened that left Vinyl so shattered....?
9079894
It's certainly an improvement and probably close to as big an improvement as you could make without rewriting it. I'd be lying if I said it fixes the problems I had (for example, noting that Octavia's seen Vinyl before is good, but just saying it doesn't have anywhere near the same impact as actually showing it), but it certainly shows a positive change.
Must be pretty bad that it’s worth missing further food.
I don't tend to look at stories in the new section, they tend to be... less than perfect, shall we say. This one was my exception, and I'm really glad it was.
You've got a good idea here, with potential, decently portrayed characters(sadly rare), and something of a mystery lingering around. Looking forward to seeing where this story will go!
9081212
That's for y'all to find out ^^
9081497
Thanks for the feedback! I definitely think having a few 'prequel' chapters would be a good idea. I might get around to that *eventually.* I still gotta keep up with my other big fic right now unfortunately.
9081867
Hey thanks! The very first draft of this was actually written way way back in 2012. To be frank, it fucking sucked. I'm glad I got to do this version instead.
9081548
Not too too many people like to talk about their trauma, especially when you just meet people!
Holy throne...
Irony is a cruel sadistic bitch as usual I see.
what.....
Well now I'm hooked. Nice cliff hanger, you ahole
9093222
I do like to ruin people's days :D
9083657
Yeppp. Poor Vinyl.
Man, it's been a while since I've seen a OctaScratch story - and even longer since I saw one this good! I'll be eagerly awaiting further chapters.
ooof, the suspense you built over the course of just two chapters is killing me. Update soon!
Man, I'm glad I tracked this
Alright, you're being consistent with quality. Keep going.
Vinyl is being very rude. You’re supposed to let the host know details so they can prepare for theoretical home invasions or get a 3rd key made for a stalker or similar.
9094152
I've always loved this pairing. I wanted to get much better at writing before I worked on it myself though, glad I could finally do it ^^
9094319
Thanks! And life's a bit busy right now (boyfriend moving in finally/birthday) but next chapter's over half done so it shouldn't be long!
9094328
Thank you ♥
9094409
I plan to! It's got a while before being done.
9094709
Hah. The hope is they don't find her.
9102120
Happy birthday, if it still is anyway.
May your chaos spread through the winds of time.
You've got my attention, and I really enjoyed how Octavia notices body language so much. It's a wonderful bit of characterization for her. I'm also curious about what on earth happened to Vinyl. Looking forward to reading the rest!
Really enjoying it, and eagerly anticipating more!
9121577
Over 3/4s done with next chapter. Hopefully done tomorrow and posted Wednesday ^^
9102387
Thank you so much! I'm getting oldddd
9122651
Awesome! And don't worry, age is just a number. You wouldn't believe the freakout my wife went through when she turned 30.
9122702
Hahahaha. Birthdays stop being celebration and instead mourning :P
9123039
Call me weird, but my big 30th is coming up, and my biggest concern is which restaurant to take the family out to. I might age, but I refuse to mature!
9123063
Honestly, that sounds fantastic. I moved like...3000 miles away from my family, so mine are just a small group of intimate friends. Still fun ^^
9124032
Yikes, sorry to hear that! Still, it's good to have close friends around. I'm in the opposite situation. My parents and brothers are all within 15 minutes of me, but my friends all moved to the other side of the state or farther.
9124375
Yea I moved from Georgia to Montana, haha. Its a bitttt of distance.
I think it's safe to say that this is where the fun begins...
I like, well done and has me looking forward to more. You have a thumbs up from me, and a spot in my fave bookshelf.
I really, really like this story, its setting, theme, I like what you're doing with these two. Keep it up! I beg! I've gotta know just what the future holds for these two.
Very well done, but... who could 'they' be...?
Great chapter, and all I can say is:
littlefun.org/uploads/51e08986c856114e0b00003a_736.jpg
Bargain struck.
9126193
Just a bit. Though you mentioned a boyfriend in some other comment, so at least it sounds like you found love out there.
9126288
And so it begins...
9126309
Thank you so much ^^ I'm so happy people are enjoying this.
9126945
I'm absolutely going to keep going! This train isn't even close to the station yet :D
9127080
Find out next time on Dragonball Z!!
9127380
Already working on it!
9127578
THE PACT HAS BEEN SEALED.
9127632
Oh yes! We have our own little family out here. My boyfriend, my best friend, her husband, a few other strays we've collected, haha.
You didn't even describe the food, and I want pancakes at 7 pm. Keep it up!
Cute and interesting premise! Pacing could use a little work- it goes a little fast- but gods know that's hard. I struggle with it too.
9143151
Yea the other story on my profile developed much too slow so I'm trying to find the balance. Comments like this help me target much better thanks!