• Member Since 27th Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Oct 7th, 2018



A kind sweet mare is lost out in the forest. A stallion helps her, but has no idea who she is, or where she came from. Is it love at first sight? Or a misunderstanding?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

If anyone is wondering, yes it is a multi-chapter story. I will try to get a chapter out every weekend since school starts tomorrow and all. If not it would be a big help if you could be patient for me to put out a chapter!

Sombrashy? insta like, fav, track Yus I shall read this later :rainbowkiss:

Who's Cloudy~Chan? Is she an OC, and if she is, why is Fluttershy having first person perspective flashbacks about her?

Hmm so now that I have read this through I must say.. I think I get where your going, but perhaps you should proofread a few times before publishing. Though, I guess I’m no better. Once you get a chapter written you just want to put it out to the public and be done with it. Back to the story though, there aren’t proper paragraph breaks in the dialogue and I feel as if this chapter could have been at least doubled in word count if it had been fleshed out properly. A lot of what the characters said or thought seemed.. hmm idk just either not natural or ooc. There’s a considerable amount of sentence deformities that jumble up the chapter and make it hard to read. I know you’re probably just starting out writing and there’s no way you’re going to be the new Mark Twain over night so I’m trying to be gentle.. :twilightsheepish: sentence and paragraph structure are pretty difficult for me (a fellow beginner writer) it wasn’t the worse pilot chapter, but getting a proofreader of an editor would do wonders. (Also something I can’t critizicd too much since I dont have one for my story either :twilightsheepish:)

WHOO that has got to be the longest comment I’ve typed out in a long time! I am awful at detailed critique so bare with me. I would normally leave something like this to the people more experienced in criticism, but I really want to see this story do well. :twilightsmile:

Cloudy~Chan is Fluttershy before she left the Crystal Empire.
The reason I choose this storyline is because I thought that Sombra and Fluttershy must have some back story. Also beacuse the is my sister fanfic. I thought I could share it with the world!

I wanted to fix it but my sis yelled at me every time I tried so.........yeah.

LOL my sister wants to do the same exact thing! Last night I made her an account and she wants to publish something. She’s 9 and.. uhm lets just say she doesnt have the best writing :rainbowlaugh: I’m too soft to tell her how bad it really is :twilightsheepish:

The thing is, she wants me to proofread. I told her I would.. but shivers not even Celestia could fix that mess.. :unsuresweetie:

My story is still in progress, it is not THIS bad. But it needs work. I'm also back in school and that's more stress on me so I will try to get it out as soon as possible. Also my sister is going to post ANOTHER chapter to this STUPID story...........sorry I tried to stop her............I failed....😥

Login or register to comment