Chapter 7 - Testing Time
I had a hell of a hangover the next morning, but on the plus side, the headache was the only pain that I was feeling. It was remarkable how resilient pegasus bodies were. Steady had assured me that it was so while we were getting drunk last night, but by that time I didn’t care anymore. I even managed to laugh a little when I saw Steady come to wake me up, looking even worse for wear than I felt. He actually cringed when he opened the curtains, like a vampire shunning the sun.
“I’ve… unh… I’ve ordered a hangover cure for you, Mark. It’ll be waiting for you at the breakfast table.”
“Why not bring it here?” I asked as I eased myself into an upright position. Despite my newfound talent for not falling on my face when getting out of bed, I took no chances and hung onto the bedside table for dear life.
“It needs to be made fresh and taken with food.”
“I don’t exactly have an appetite at the moment.”
“You will when you drink the potion.”
I decided not to argue, putting my energy instead into getting myself ready. I hadn’t showered before crawling into bed last night, so I took a quick one before getting dressed. Thank God for magic driers, otherwise, I’d still be there instead of looking at the smirking face of my present employer over the breakfast table. Come to think of it, maybe that wasn’t the best outcome after all.
“Were you celebrating your latest flight a little too much, Ark Smells?”
“Trying to blot out recollection of your tearful concern for me, Trixie; I’m too manly to admit any failure.”
Trixie snorted in amusement. “I recall no tears.”
“Neither do I. Must have worked.”
Just then, Steady arrived with a goblet of something green and fizzy, plus a huge stack of pancakes that made my stomach squirm just looking at them. My valet looked a whole lot better now, and I suspected that he’d had his dose of hangover cure already. Can’t say that I blame him, but I’d get even with him later for making me wait even one minute more.
I took the proffered goblet while lifting a questioning eyebrow at Steady.
“Just chug it down, sir.”
Ever had an electric shock? That’s what it felt like when the concoction hit my stomach. I must have buzzed for several seconds, but then it stopped and the only thing that I now felt was a deep, yawning hunger. I attacked the stack of pancakes like a person coming off a hunger strike.
After the tenth mouthful, and I do mean full, I managed to choke out, “Whath’s haffening?” before shoving another pancake in my mouth.
Steady placed a mug of coffee in front of me as he replied, “The magic potion clears out the system but at the expense of your energy reserves and certain bodily requirements. It forces you to eat until those needs are met.”
I washed down several more mouthfuls before I managed another sentence. “How muth more?”
“I have the second course on its way, sir.”
Why, oh why didn’t I take breakfast in my room? Stuffing my face like a crazy person was bad enough, but watching Trixie pounding the table with her hoof while crying tears of laughter was acutely annoying. Steady must have known this would happen but he did it like this anyway. It reminded me of the jokes Phil and I pulled on each other occasionally. I missed that now, but that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t get even with Steady later somehow.
The second course consisted of eggs Florentine, hash browns, fried mushrooms, and hay-bacon. This was followed by a bowl of fruit yogurt before my raging appetite was finally quelled. I sat back with a groan, finishing the dregs of my second coffee before slamming the empty mug on the table. I didn’t think I was going to be hungry again for a week!
Trixie got up from her chair, cheerfully saying, “No time to dawdle, Snark Swells – Day Court is due to start soon.”
I glared after the departing mare’s rear end before I averted my eyes when I realized what I was staring at. I was going to have to remind the Great and Infuriating Trixie that my job was Grand Vizier, not Court Jester.
# # #
Trixie and I were just settling down in preparation for Day Court when a messenger abruptly entered the throne room. The earth pony mare hastened to the foot of the dais and bowed deeply.
“O Great and Glorious Empress, I have urgent news!”
“Speak, messenger,” Trixie said imperiously.
“Princess Cadance and Prince Armor of the Crystal Empire have arrived in Canterlot and are coming here to see you, your Majesty.”
“What! Why was Trixie not informed of this sooner?”
“No one knew of their visit until their Highnesses’ special train arrived at Canterlot station. The Royal Guards on duty there sent me here to advise you of their approach.”
I looked at Trixie and quietly asked, “Did you invite them to visit?”
She shook her head. “Trixie has no idea why they are here. They haven’t come to Equestria since Trixie ascended to the throne.”
“I guess we’ll find out soon enough.” I turned back to the messenger. “How long before their Highnesses arrive?”
“I would say no more than a couple of minutes, sir.”
At least we wouldn’t be left sweating for long. “Thank you. You may go.”
The mare bowed again and departed hastily.
I looked past Trixie to Raven Inkwell on the other side of the throne. “What about you? Any clue?”
Raven looked thoughtful for a moment before replying. “I have been keeping Princess Cadance informed of the state of affairs in Canterlot. Up until now, her Highness has been satisfied with the status quo. Something may have changed recently that has precipitated this visit.”
Raven looked at me meaningfully, and a moment later, Trixie also turned her gaze upon me.
“Hey! Don’t jump to conclusions!” I said nervously.
Whatever either of them might have said was interrupted by the sergeant-at-arms loudly heralding newcomers.
“Announcing Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire!”
A very pink alicorn mare strode regally through the doors accompanied by a snow-white unicorn stallion. The princess was taller and leaner than any pony that I had seen so far, and her mane was ridiculously long. Perhaps not as voluminous as those of Celestia and Luna as I had seen in pictures, but it lacked the ethereal nature of the elder alicorns to lift it. The prince was dressed in a gold-trimmed, red military uniform. They both approached the throne in an unhurried manner.
Trixie put on her best poker face, and I did my best to emulate her. I’d bet that she was wondering what was going to happen when they reached the dais because I sure as hell was! Was Trixie about to be denounced and thrown in the dungeon? Was I going to share a cell with her as a collaborator? Never did anypony’s walk from the door to the throne seem so long!
It was to our shocked surprise when they both halted and bowed. Shining Armor’s expression remained neutral, but Cadance burst out into a genuine smile. “Princess Trixie – thank you for seeing us despite our unscheduled visit.”
Trixie’s stage presence served her in good stead as she maintained a slightly aloof demeanor as she replied, “The Great and Cordial Queen Trixie welcomes you to Canterlot. May we ask the purpose of your visit to Equestria?”
“My husband and I have been watching with great interest how Equestria has been thriving under the reign of Empress Trixie.”
How Cadance said that title without a trace of irony, I have no idea. The thought occurred to me that her political savvy made Princess Cadance a much better actor than the lifelong showmare. That just made me even more nervous.
The pink alicorn continued. “After Twilight Sparkle expressed such great concern at your coronation, I felt it wise to keep abreast of the affairs of the Crystal Empire’s greatest ally in the event that you would be requiring our assistance during the turmoil subsequent to the disappearance of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”
Translation – we’ve been watching to see that you didn’t screw things up, pretender to the throne. I was particularly impressed by how Cadance maintained a genuine appearance of concern for the new ruler of this kingdom.
“However, we are most pleased that Equestria has stabilized under its new ruler, and you have had the foresight to employ some competent advisors, in particular, the newcomer to your court.” Cadance turned her gaze upon me, but to my surprise, there was real warmth in her smile. “Twilight informed me about her visit with you, Mark Wells, and your unfortunate circumstances.”
Oh, crap. She knows that I’m not an amnesiac.
“I would like to have a chat with your Grand Vizier during lunch, if I may. Meanwhile, I beg your permission to stay on while you hold court this morning.”
Great – we were going to be judged. I had better be on my ‘A’ game.
Trixie undoubtedly realized the same, but she kept up a bold front. “Trixie welcomes our fellow monarchs’ presence during her Day Court. It will give us something to discuss during our recess. Sergeant-at-Arms! Bring seating suitable for their Highnesses!”
“If it pleases your Majesty,” Shining Armor spoke up for the first time, “I would like to visit the Captain of the Royal Guard while my wife sits in at your court. I wish to catch up with my former comrades.”
A-n-d the prince was going to check to see how the military felt about serving Trixie and probably how they observed the general population’s attitude to Trixie’s rule. Marvelous. I felt like I was back at college and going into my final exam which I had to pass or I’d fail the whole year.
Trixie kept on smiling though. “Of course. Trixie is sure that her loyal Guards will be pleased to see you once more.”
Shining Armor gave Trixie a small smile, bowed, and then left the room just as a unicorn entered, two very comfy chairs carried in the glow of his magic. The stallion placed them beside the dais and bowed to Cadance who inclined her head in acknowledgement of his service before seating herself. She then smiled at Trixie who took it as her cue.
“Let Day Court commence!” she commanded.
I gulped and braced myself. Showtime!
# # #
I kept expecting the worst, and I had to stop second-guessing myself every time I gave Trixie advice. However, Cadance just sat there listening, a quiet smile on her face. The only time she spoke was in response to the petitioners who greeted her as well as Trixie. It was very unnerving. If she had offered the occasional comment, it would have been better than the silent judging that she had to be doing. I’m sure Trixie was better at hiding it, but I was also fairly certain that she was as nervous as me.
The end of morning court and lunch break could not come soon enough for me. It was with great relief that Trixie declared the recess and we prepared to head off to the dining room for a light snack (for her, not me!) and drinks. Of course, Cadance had already been invited to our lunch, and she was joined by her husband who had returned shortly before the session was done. The waiters served the refreshments before Trixie started a conversation.
“Trixie hopes that you weren’t too bored with this morning’s proceedings. The responsibilities of the Crown are not very exciting sometimes.”
Cadance smiled and replied, “Believe me; I have discovered that for myself. Getting the Crystal Empire up and running again has kept Shining Armor and myself very busy, hence why I have been unable to pay you a visit until now.”
“Trixie can only imagine. You are trying to bring an entire civilization forward a thousand years in every possible way.”
“That is indeed so; however, I was well prepared. I apprenticed under Princess Celestia for decades to master all branches of the Equestrian government.”
I held my breath. There were two ways Trixie could interpret what Cadance had just said.
“But there are only the two of you, Princess. Equestria stands ready to assist its closest ally, the Crystal Empire, in whatever areas you might require aid.”
I let out my breath. Three-point shot. Nothing but net.
Prince Shining Armor glanced at me and smirked. Apparently he had followed my train of thought, read my emotional reactions, and found my fleeting terror to be amusing.
Cadance gave that joy-inducing smile again. “Thank you, Princess Trixie. I will consider your generous offer. I fear it will be some time before the Crystal Empire runs as smoothly as Equestria.”
“Then you do realize that the Responsible and Hard-working Trixie has matters well in hoof?”
“Actually, yes. You do seem to have an effective team supporting you, and I certainly understand the importance of that. Shiny also informs me that the Royal Guard is fairly happy with the status quo until Celestia and Luna return.”
Relief that we had managed to impress the alicorn made the weight on my shoulders start to ease. But then Cadance continued.
“It will be interesting to see how you handle the afternoon session. I believe that you will be dealing with some new and ongoing projects, yes?”
“That is correct, your Highness,” I answered. Gah! Cadance had just been dealing with major projects in her own realm – she probably was very familiar with procedures, and here we were, two amateurs trying to bluff our way through. And Raven! Thank God we had her too. We may yet survive the silent inquisition.
With the agenda firmly set, the conversation turned to discussion of some of the morning’s petitions, in particular, ones that I had a firm hoof in deciding and my reasoning for my advice to Trixie. While many of the decisions that we had made seemed justified, naturally Cadance homed in on the difficult ones. However, one tangentially mentioned Twilight Sparkle and Trixie seized upon the opportunity to turn the subject to the purple mare’s visit and my time spent with the unicorn nerd.
Cadance nodded. “Ah, yes! As I said earlier, Twilight sent me a letter by dragonfire mentioning the fascinating subjects that you discussed with her. She was very excited about some new studies that she plans to do with that knowledge.”
At last, something that I could be comfortable with! I opened my mouth to mention some of the more interesting things that we had talked about, but Trixie beat me to the punch.
“Why don’t you tell the princess about how great a kisser Miss Sparkle is, Woodlark Dwells?”
I froze as the Princess of Love turned her attention on me full blast, her gaze fixed on me like a hawk on its prey. If I thought Twilight's eyes sparkled, that was nothing compared to the grinning Alicorn of Snu Snu.
“Twilight didn't mention that.”
I wilted under the laser-focus of the pink alicorn. I managed to mumble out, “Gee. Imagine that. Oh, look! It’s nearly time for the afternoon court session to start. Please excuse us, Your Highness, but Princess Trixie and I have to prepare.”
Cadance waved a hoof dismissively. “It can wait until later. Shiny and I will join you soon. We have a little errand to attend to first.”
Trixie replied, “We look forward to you both joining us once again.”
That better be the Royal We, because I had no desire to start that subject up again! Never had my daily crashing lessons sounded so appealing!
After Shining and Cadance left the room and started down the hallway, I turned to Trixie and hissed, “Thanks for throwing me under the carriage like that!”
She gave me what was supposed to be a wounded look, but it was ruined by her smirk. “Why, whatever do you mean, Earmark Gels?”
“Blabbing to the Princess of Roses and Baby Showers about Twilight and I kissing!”
“Oh, that! Well, the Kind and Refined Trixie was beginning to feel a tiny bit uncomfortable with the direction of Princess Cadance’s questions. And because your role as Grand Vizier is to provide whatever assistance your sovereign requires, Trixie decided that your dalliance with Miss Sparkle was the perfect distraction.”
I almost snarled. “It wasn’t a dalliance! It was...” I stopped myself mid-sentence, staring at the mare. She looked at me expectantly.
“Yes? Tell us more.”
I closed my mouth and glared at her. “Nope. Not gonna get tricked into telling you. No way.”
A touch of disappointment entered the mare’s face. She opened her mouth.
“Oh, poo.”
Except that had come from the doorway, not from Trixie. Both of us whipped our heads around to see the Alicorn of Love leaning around the door frame with a hoof over her mouth.
I pointed a hoof. “Ahhhh! Eavesdropper!”
She was entirely unabashed. “Well, of course! You don’t get to be in my profession without knowing how to uncover secrets.”
I wasn’t in the mood and I dropped any pretence. “Get lost, Queen of Sneaky-Sneaky!”
Trixie looked shocked, but for her part, Cadance let out a long laugh. “Oh, I’ve never heard that one before! Aren’t you fun? Yes, I could see this working out quite well.”
I frowned and continued to wave her away like a pesky fly.
After she had gone back down the hallway again, Trixie turned to stare at me. “What were you thinking? You can’t treat Princess Cadance that way!”
I snorted. “You’re right. You can’t. I can... and just did.”
# # #
On the way back to the throne room, and after Trixie had calmed down, I asked what I couldn’t before. “Why aren’t you more freaked out by Princess Cadance just sitting there in judgement and not saying anything?”
She arched an eyebrow. “What other choice would she have?”
I walked next to her for several steps before I finally said, “I’m missing something.”
Trixie smiled. “Consider the situation from the perspective of power. In Equestria, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor sit below the dais, symbolizing their lack of authority here. If Cadance were to provide unsolicited advice, it would be seen by those in Day Court as undermining my authority. Similarly, if Trixie asked her opinion on all but the narrowest of topics, Trixie would be seen as weak. The only subjects that Trixie could consult with Princess Cadence would be those concerning love or the Crystal Empire, because she is the undisputed authority on those.”
I looked down as I walked, mulling that over. “That clears things up, thanks. I guess I’m just not used to thinking in those terms.”
“Why not, Stark Parallels? Does your country of birth not have a King or Queen?”
“Nope. We outlawed the aristocracy when the country was founded over two hundred years ago.”
Now it was Trixie’s turn to think that over. “Truly?”
“Yep. Pandering to nobles has pretty much been bred out of our makeup. My countrymen have a tendency to treat everyone, everywhere as equals.” I smiled at a memory that brought up. “Or as my best friend Phil would say, ‘All men and women are created equal until they prove themselves to be inferior.’ ”
Trixie continued to look at me until we entered the throne room. “Trixie believes that explains more than a little about who you are, Monarch Quells.”
# # #
Thankfully, the afternoon session was fairly humdrum and there was little I felt I could contribute. It seemed knowing a bit more about Equestria now meant that I now knew how little I knew about Equestria. When it came to the commercial interactions with the Crown, I badly needed to know more. This was far more in Raven’s area of expertise than mine. I acquired a clipboard and started making notes about the subjects I needed to start studying. Note to self: between having to sharpen the point periodically and needing an inkwell (not the frowny kind), quills suck.
“Ah! Flim and Flam!” exclaimed Trixie.
I looked up to see the last two petitioners for the day. The pair of yellow unicorns with red and white manes and tails bowed simultaneously to their monarch. Their identical, synchronized movements confirmed what I already suspected – they were twins. They both also wore the same charcoal-colored, double-breasted suit jackets and burgundy ties. From my limited exposure to the nobility and business elite, I thought they looked like very tastefully and conservatively dressed bankers. In fact, the only obvious difference was that one had a prominent red mustache. Automatically, I wondered if this was artificial. If so, it would certainly allow any competent defense attorney to make a strong case for a not-guilty verdict based on witnesses being unable to positively identify the suspect – now why did I immediately think of that when seeing these two?
Trixie’s smile seemed genuine. “It’s been quite some time since we last crossed paths. I think it was after all three of us needed to leave that village outside of Baltimare because of… weather.”
I tried hard to suppress a smirk. More likely a sudden shower of rotten fruit best case and pitchforks worst case. I suppose I should have guessed that they were shysters from their names and the fact that Trixie ran in the same circles as them back before she reformed.
They lifted their heads and the mustached one said, “Hail, Great and Philanthropic Trixie! Empress of the East, Queen of the West, and Duchess of all in between!”
To my surprise, Trixie did not seem to soak up the approbations at all. Instead, her eyes narrowed and her smile turned a bit nasty. “Oh, Trixie knows both of you too well for that to work on her. Anyway…!” Her happy expression returned. “Introductions are in order.”
“Boys, on my right is Grand Vizier Stark Smells. On my left is my assistant Raven Inkwell.” Trixie looked at me, still smiling. “These… gentle-stallions… are Flim…” pointing to No-Mustache, “…and Flam,” now indicating Mr. Mustache. “You’ll never find a more hard-working, enterprising, faster-escaping pair of equines in all of Equestria, which is what made being around them so much fun.” She looked them over. “You two certainly have moved up in the world.”
Flim spoke up. “As if we should be the ones talking.” Trixie smirked at this but her eyes did not lose their friendly gaze. Instead, she nodded slightly, inviting them to continue.
Flam picked up on the cue. “We have indeed found success and station by concentrating our efforts on providing a boon for those who need it most. Our organizational skills, fundraising acumen, and networking talents have focused on a project that I know is dear to everypony’s heart.”
Flim took over. The cadence of their voices and practiced, smooth delivery for an audience reminded me of something – maybe circus ringmasters. “After many false starts over many years, we have succeeded where all others have failed. The Double F Investment Foundation is proud to announce that as of early last month, ground has finally been broken for the Canterlot Foals’ Hospital!”
There were some ooooohs and aaahhhs from the citizens present. I saw some of the nobles turn to each other with hoofshakes and nods.
While Flam floated shiny brochures out of his saddlebags to the three of us on the dais, Flim continued. “With the support of brave nobles such as High Station…” The aforementioned stallion nodded with a smile. “…and many more citizens of Canterlot, the Foal’s Benefit Fund is well on its way to providing a special and caring place for Canterlot’s, no all of Equestria’s most vulnerable citizens!” The applause was louder this time. I started to breathe more heavily and felt my ears lay flat on my head. What was wrong with me?
Flam took over the presentation and turned around to face the crowd. “For…the…Foals! For…the…Foals!” As he pumped a forehoof in the air, soon most of those present were cheering along – excepting the guards and those on the dais, of course.
After this had gone on for several rounds, Trixie stood. The cheers died away respectfully. “Most commendable, Flim and Flam. I’m very impressed with what you have accomplished. However, was there a reason you came to Day Court beyond announcing your progress so far?”
“Indeed, your majesty!” said Flim. “While at the current pace, the project is slated to be completed in thirty months, with the investment of some nominal funding from the Royal Treasury, my brother has calculated that the project can be completed in twenty months. Over the course of that time, the fund will be able to restore the entirety of the funding to the Crown. It is truly a win-win situation!”
“And!” began Flam, “In return for the temporary 250,000-bit contribution, we would change the name of the center to the Royal Canterlot Foals’ Hospital!” There was a great deal of discussion now amongst those gathered.
I tried to speak, but Flim raised a hoof and preempted me. “Now, I know many of you are asking how we could possibly guarantee repayment of everyone’s bits, plus interest… and have enough left over to build the hospital; furnish and equip it; hire the doctors, nurses, and specialists; and even have sufficient funding left over to cover expenses for the first four years of operation? The answer lies with my genius brother.” Flam smiled abashedly and took a small bow.
“He has developed a sophisticated investment strategy that combines real estate, stocks, bonds, and commodities. His return to investors during the first twelve months has been a consistent five percent per month! Far better than any investment vehicle available at a stodgy bank or institution…” He winked to the nobles. “…outside of getting kissed by Lady Luck in Las Pegasus, that is!” This was met with delighted laughter.
Flam raised his head. “So what do you say, Empress? Why should the Crown support this magnificent cause? Well, it’s obvious!” He turned back to the crowd and pumped his forehoof up and down. “For…the…foals! For…the…foals! For…the…foals!” By this point, all the nobles and commoners were gleefully shouting along, without any care for whether the pony next to them was of the same social class or not. I started to hear music swelling up from all around us, in time with the chanting.
“Cease!” commanded Trixie in her magically-amplified stage-voice. The music died out and all eyes moved to her. She nodded in acknowledgment to everyone who heeded her command, then looked to Raven. “Miss Inkwell?”
The white unicorn tapped her quill against her lips for several moments in thought. Apparently, she was somewhat accustomed to being the center of attention for everyone in court, including her ruler. It did not seem to faze her one bit. “On the face of it, providing we have sufficient written guarantees, I don’t have any objections.”
“Excellent!” Trixie turned to me. Her smile faltered a bit as she saw my face and how my front hooves were shaking. Quickly, I forced myself to be calm and put on a neutral expression. “Your thoughts, Grand Vizier?”
I took a calming breath and faced the twin ponies. I smiled and slowly descended the dais. “A once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity, wouldn’t you say, gentle-stallions?”
They both nodded their agreement and chuckled. Flim said, “Indeed! The contribution of the Great and Generous Trixie, ruler of Equestria will go down in history as the greatest moment of her reign, regardless of how many centuries that might be!”
I smirked a bit and looked steadily into Flim’s eyes. I decided to up the game a bit. “Now let’s be honest here. In return for 300,000 bits, you are asking for a full partner in the construction of the hospital, are you not?”
The two shared a look that lasted only a few seconds but allowed them to come to some sort of agreement. “It is as you say, Grand Vizier! Thank you for putting it so clearly.” They then bowed in sync again. Creepy. Cool, but creepy.
“Excellent!” I smiled as I brought up the brochure that was in my hoof. “The Court will require more than these very professional flyers to enter into that kind of arrangement.” I turned to Flam. “I see you brought your saddlebags. May I view your business plan?”
Their smiles froze. Flam recovered first. “I’m most terribly sorry, sir. We left it back in our office. My deepest apologies.”
I frowned. “That is unfortunate.” I glanced at the back of the brochure. “The hospital is being built at the corner of Cloverleaf Avenue and Star Blaze Lane?”
Flim answered. “Actually, the correct term is that the building is being ‘constructed,’ and we would be most pleased to give you a tour of the job site at any time of your convenience.” Both ponies smiled.
I waved a hoof. “It probably isn’t necessary for me to see the business plan. As your future business partner, I need to see the books you have with you, please. I’ll admit I don’t have a background as a financier, but I will need this act of faith.” I stepped back and waited impassively.
They shared a much longer look this time before Flam floated over a small spiral notebook from one of his saddlebags which was then quickly shut again. Instead of taking the proffered notebook, I looked back at Raven and waved her down to come to my side. When she was close, I softly said to her, “All of them.”
She pursed her lips and nodded. Outside of their view, her green magic lifted both of Flam’s saddlebag flaps and levitated out three more notebooks along with a stack of brochures. Their expression turned to shock as the paperwork floated past them. Flam cried out, “Those are my notes and formulae for my investment strategies! Also, all the confidential information from our investors!”
I replied, “Rest assured that the Crown of Equestria is accustomed to keeping secrets and protecting those who ally with them.” I turned to Raven. “Miss Inkwell, please place a copy of these items in the Royal Archives for safekeeping and return with the originals after you have had a chance to study them, please.” She nodded and disappeared in a flash of magic along with the items floating in her aura.
I looked back to the pair, who were not looking nearly as happy as they had been just moments before. I gave them a very genuine smile. “Well then! What shall we do while we wait for Miss Inkwell to return?” I walked back to the dais, noting Cadance’s intrigued expression as I did. After climbing it and turning around. I smiled wider. “I know! Gentle-stallions,” I said, looking down on the pair. “Which bank did you say is the one used by the Double F Foundation for the creation of the Royal Canterlot Foals’ Hospital?”
“Wells Farrier of Manehattan. Their main branch on Fifth Avenue.”
I nodded, then looked to one of the unicorn mage-pages. “What is your name, please?”
Her eyes went wide and she trembled out her reply. “V-v-vintage Scroll, Your Eminence.” Was that really my honorific? No clue. I was much more accustomed to ‘Hey, you.’
“Vintage Scroll, please go to the bank and bring back whoever is the floor manager at this time. By order of the Crown,” I added, glancing at Trixie for affirmation.
She seemed intrigued by my actions and indicated her agreement.
The page nodded vigorously for a few seconds then closed her eyes. She had to take a deep breath before her horn lit and she teleported away. New on the job and a bundle of nerves – I knew the feeling. Just not right now.
“What else? What else?” I looked back to see that the twins had retreated to the edge of the crowd. “Flim and Flam! Yes, I see you there! Please stay until Miss Inkwell returns.”
They turned around and Flim spoke up. “Our apologies, but we just remembered a very critical meeting with our general contractor. We must—”
“Nonsense!” I pointed to the two soldiers closest to them. “Your names, please, Guardsmen?”
The pegasus on the left spoke up with a feminine voice. “Lieutenant Buried Spear and Sergeant Crimson Boulder, Grand Vizier.” Oops. Guardsponies then. I’d make up for that later. Still, couldn’t ask for better names, and the Lieutenant was carrying a spear, too! I nodded to the twins. “Please ensure our two guests stay exactly where they are.”
Lord High Station separated himself from the crowd. “Your majesty, I must protest this ruffian’s treatment of these two fine businessponies. They have done more for Equestria than—”
“Lord High Station,” I interrupted. “The Crown is still considering the business proposition from the Double F Foundation. The only ponies who have the right to speak at the moment are Empress Trixie, myself, and any business partners of Flim and Flam. Do you consider yourself to be such?”
The pompous lord appeared to be taken aback by my temerity to address him that way, then he hesitated, possibly clued in by some remnant of prey instinct going off like a siren in his head. After a moment, he looked up at Queen Trixie.
She smiled. “Well, Your Lordship?”
He shifted uncomfortably for a bit then looked around at his fellow nobles. Apparently not seeing unwavering support there, he retreated – physically and from the conversation. “No, Your Majesty.”
I ignored him and walked up to the lone remaining unicorn page and gave him my brochure. Before I could ask, he volunteered, “Bright Candle at your service, sir!” Quick on the uptake.
“Please take a Chief Building Inspector from the Royal Assessor’s office…” (thank you for the cram session, Twilight!) “…to the construction site. Have him or her return in thirty minutes with a preliminary report.”
With a nod, he was gone.
I walked back up to my place on the dais. In the intervening time, Trixie had returned to the throne. I smiled back at the audience. “And now, we wait.”
Trixie had Steady bring refreshments for both of us in the interim, as well as for our royal guests. I noted the distinctive taste of something to calm the nerves that was probably not in Cadance and Shining’s cups though. I was slightly less peeved with Trixie for the Twilight comment after that.
I heard Cadance approach the throne during the recess and start making small talk about the Crystal Empire with Trixie. I wondered if I was expected to do the same with Shining Armor but decided I didn’t care. Instead, I kept my ears pointed forward and stared out over the ponies in front of me.
About a half-hour later, a dull red, elderly unicorn mare with a T-square for a cutie mark trotted into the room and stopped before the throne. Her coat was peppered with grey and her mane and tail had turned completely that color. Both were tightly braided. She glared at Trixie, then gave the smallest of fractional bows. “I understand the snap inspection was of some importance. Let me give my report so I can get back to my work.”
I nodded. “Thank you, Ms…?”
She looked at me for a moment, snorted, then proceeded like I didn’t exist. I was starting to like this mare more and more. She reminded me of my maternal grandmother.
“I pulled the records and permits for 501 Cloverleaf Avenue. The basement excavation inspection was passed on its third try exactly thirty-five days ago. Plans for the foundation were approved the same day but no pony has been called out to the site to inspect that work. No plans have been submitted for any further construction.”
She frowned even deeper, though I don’t know if it was professional disgust at the state of the construction site or personal disdain of the two ponies on the dais she was looking at. “The foundation has been poured on site but it violates twelve building codes in exactly forty-seven locations around the site. The nature of the concrete pour makes repair impossible. The girder-work frame attached to the foundation will also need to be dismantled. The majority of the framework materials could be reused once the foundation is replaced. Of more concern were the delivery crates of plumbing fixtures, roof shingles, and even shrubbery placed throughout the structure at the site. These materials would not be needed for months, even in the unlikely event that the structure reached that phase of construction by then.”
She stomped a hoof. “When I yelled… ahem… when I enquired with the few ponies on-site to find the general contractor in charge of construction, I was informed he was from either Hoofington, Mare-itonia, or Salt Lick City, take your pick. Also, that he had been fired two weeks ago with no replacement seen since that date. May I go now?”
Trixie nodded and the building inspector chose the straightest line to exit the room, requiring several ponies including two Royal Guards to scramble out of her way.
A minute later, Raven teleported back to her spot next to the throne. She looked between Trixie and me.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie asks you to give your report to all present.” Trixie sounded pleased, but I could tell her smile was forced.
The unicorn adjusted her glasses and referred to her clipboard. “I did a quick read through of every page in these notebooks. Flam’s investment strategy is not present. There are some calculations detailing monthly totals for building supplies. That’s this one.” She lifted the thin notepad that Flam originally had given me. “The remaining three notebooks are ledgers for incoming investments and outgoing interest payments of five, ten, or fifteen percent per month, plus outgoing payments of ten to twenty percent for a finder’s fee. All investors are marked with one or more code numbers rather than a name. Until I have that key, I will not be able to determine who made what investment.” She looked up.
I nodded. “Thank you, Miss Inkwell.”
My ears turned at the sound of hooves rapidly approaching.
A bespectacled stallion entered the room and literally slid into a kneeling bow in front of the throne. His dark grey suit jacket was darker in a few places from sweat and his blue tie was askew. His coat was a pale yellow and his mane and tail, now slicked down in places with sweat, was blue striped with green. His cutie mark was an old-style cash register. “Baron… ~gasp!~ …Baronet Even… ~gasp!~ …Even Ledger at your service… ~gasp!~ …Duchess Trixie! I came … ~gasp!~ …as quickly as I could!”
Trixie waved a hoof dramatically. “Your Kind and Generous Empress is pleased by your dedication to answering her call promptly. Please take a moment to catch your breath.” She then nodded to me.
I waited for the earth pony to collect himself and for Steady Flight to assist him in getting his clothes back in order. Good lad!
I cleared my throat. “Baronet Even Ledger, do you recognize the twin ponies over there?” I pointed with my hoof at the two stallions who seemed to be wilting under the constant gaze of the guardponies who would not take their eyes off their charges.
The banker smiled. “Yes! Lords Flim and Flam have been customers of ours for some time now.”
“Can you tell me the nature of their business with your bank?”
His smile fell. “Ah, I’m sorry, Grand Vizier. Without a judicial court order, I’m afraid bank confidentiality laws prevent me from discussing it.”
Damn! “Even in general terms?”
He nodded. “The laws are quite clear. I’m sorry.”
Double damn! Didn’t think of that. I heard an amused snort amongst the gathered nobles. I ignored it.
“No matter! Let me describe a situation to you that does not include any ponies by name, and you tell me if it sounds at all familiar. Does that sound reasonable? Would that run afoul of any privacy laws?”
The earth pony took off his glasses and cleaned them with a handkerchief while he blinked, deep in thought. He then put his glasses back on and looked back at me. “No. As long as there are no names or descriptions of individuals involved, that would be allowable.”
“Excellent!” I felt very calm now. “Imagine that you have a fairly new account, and the deposits and withdrawals are in ever-increasing amounts of bits, both in the size of the average transaction and the frequency. All transactions are in coins, not paper or credit or other means. It starts with nobles making fairly modest deposits, followed by smaller withdrawals to those same nobles on a monthly basis. Over time, the proportion of ponies making deposits are increasingly commoners. Lately whenever a new customer makes a deposit to this new account, more and more often it consists of their entire life savings. If one of these customers comes from your bank, they are reluctant to discuss why they are depositing their entire financial future with this new account and become defensive and antagonistic if questioned further. Occasionally, a percentage of the new customer’s funds are immediately transferred to an older investor. Lastly, nobles who are the oldest investors receive the largest payments, both in number of bits and in a higher percentage of the new customer’s funds that they draw in.”
Even Ledger couldn’t stop himself from glancing at Flim and Flam, then back to me. “How did…how did you know?”
I wandered down the steps and towards the trembling pair of well-dressed ponies. “It’s quite simple, really. There was never any investment done by these two. There was no plan to ever build a hospital. And most importantly, there was never any intention of paying back any of the investors.” Every pony started talking at once. I waved over several more Guards to form a ring around Flim and Flam. I suspected they were going to need protection in another minute.
My voice cut through the noise. “The way the scheme works is like this!” Everypony settled down. “An interest rate far higher than what can be gotten from banks is offered and sustained for a short time. Other ponies see how successful this is and put in their money. That money is used to pay the interest to the first set of ponies. Any pony who is unwilling to invest even more is given a higher interest rate. Finder’s fees encourage current investors to recommend others to invest. After a while, the outflow of money can’t be sustained by the addition of new investors. Then the scam artists have a choice: either take what is left in the nest egg and leave, or get a new investor with deep pockets…” I waved at Trixie. “…who will restore faith in a brand new group of suckers to lose their money.” The crowd started talking again, their voices rising to shouts.
Behind me, I heard Trixie stamp her hooves, the sound amplified somehow. That settled everypony down. “The Crown and the ponies of Equestria thank the Grand Vizier for the service he has done for us this day.” She had to frown and extend her wings before ‘thank yous’ started drifting out of the crowd.
Her wings folded back under her cloak. “As ruler of Equestria, I will ensure the victims of this crime are fully compensated.”
I turned to the mare and spoke loud enough for every pony to hear. “I’m afraid that is not advisable, Your Majesty.”
Raven moved up beside Trixie and said, “The Grand Vizier is correct; the Royal Treasury cannot be called upon to compensate for every fraudulent loss incurred by the citizens. Once the precedent is set, judges would expect this to happen for all future cases.”
I nodded. “Also, every pony entered into the fund of their own will. I recommend that we provide accountants to untangle the mess of exactly where every bit went. Obtain an injunction through the judicial courts to gather every coin in the brothers’ accounts along with every interest or finder’s fee payment made. Only then will investors receive back a portion of what they invested, with all ponies losing the same percentage.”
Raven followed up. “You can also suspend debt collection from the ponies who lost everything and provide them with public services until they receive their payment.”
Trixie looked down at the floor, ears drooping. She spoke softly. “And the hospital?”
I looked at Raven and she nodded sadly. “A total loss, Your Highness.”
Trixie sighed and frowned for several seconds. “Yes. I don’t like it but I see the necessity. Make it so.” Her voice returned to its normal volume for addressing everypony at Day Court. “Guards! Take these two to adjacent cells and have two soldiers watching them at all times.”
“Yes, My Queen!” replied Buried Spear. The guards before and behind her moved into formation around Flim and Flam, leading them away from the court. A shield spell was erected after the first rotten fruit (where had that come from, anyway?) was tossed, impacting Crimson Boulder on the side of the helmet. Nobles and their aim, I suppose.
“Day Court is now adjourned.”
By the time I turned around, Trixie was already halfway to the door behind the throne. I glanced towards Princess Cadance who appeared to be about to follow. I gave her a hard look and the briefest shake of my head before hurrying to catch up to Trixie. I found her in the hallway just beyond the door, which I closed behind me. She was slumped against the wall and her wings were canted at a completely unnatural angle. She looked down at something in her hoof. I poked my head around and saw that it was the flyer for the hospital. Let it be said that a similar situation years ago involving a frying pan made me not completely clueless when it comes to emotionally distraught women. I sat next to her, waiting for her to speak first.
“Trixie failed them,” she whispered. Then she sniffled. “She failed all of her ponies.”
I shook my head. “You couldn’t have known. I’m sure this is the first time this con has been seen in Equestria.”
She bowed her head. “But Trixie did know. She knew better than anyone how everything is just a get-rich-quick scheme to them. They played her like a fiddle. Trixie was stupid and fell for it like the biggest patsy in the whole world.”
I didn’t have a good answer to that, so I waited.
She wiped her eyes with her cape and brought her sniffling under control. She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes. Huge, freaky, totally out-of-proportion-for-the-size-of-her-face bloodshot eyes. “Yet you recognized them, thank Harmony.”
“My best friend back on Earth is a… stallion named Phil. His dad passed away years ago but set up his mom okay thanks to savings and life insurance. Then she got a phone call from an acquaintance running a Ponzi scheme like this one. She put in everything, even borrowed money because it seemed like a good idea. The bastard even told her how proud her son would be that she was doing all this independently.” I wished I could clench my fists, but that option was gone now.
“She was left with no money and a mountain of debt. The bastard got six months in prison for ruining her life but all his money is hidden in off-shore accounts. Her lawyer dropped her civil case because he decided it wasn’t worth the twenty-five percent he would have to work hard to track down. Now she just drifts between her children’s houses, feeling like a failure who doesn’t deserve to even talk to anyone. So, yeah.” I looked up into Trixie’s eyes. “I sure as hell recognized it when I saw it.”
Trixie hugged me, which was a first. “Trixie is sorry for your friend’s loss. Trixie can only say ‘Thank you’ for helping her and all of Equestria today.” She pulled back. “This could have… my mistake could have jeopardized the Crown and all those who serve me.”
I vaguely remembered what happened in Albania in the early 1990’s. “You’re not wrong. Governments have fallen over these schemes.”
She took a few deep breaths and straightened her wings. She nodded to herself. “Trixie will do better. The Great and Powerful Trixie will be the ruler that Equestria deserves.” Trixie looked at me with conviction. “I will protect My Little Ponies.” She smiled.
I smiled back. So she could say that word. Now for the other two.
“ ‘Thank you, Mark Wells?’ ” I suggested with a grin.
The blue unicorn put on her aristocratic air and looked to my flank, then back at my face. “It is unfortunate that your cutie mark is a black cloud pierced by a lightning bolt. It should have been a branch with a single fork.” She walked away, calling over her shoulder. “Thank you again, Dowser.”
I blinked. ‘Dowser’? ‘A branch with a single fork’? Like a dowsing rod for finding where to drill a well? Oh! I got it. ‘What does a dowser do?’ I chuckled. Well, it was at least a step in the right direction… I think.
# # #
It took twenty minutes to extricate myself from the royal clothesline that evening, but I noticed a distinct lack of laughter coming from the castle. As for Steady Flight though…. I’m keeping a list, buddy!
# # # # # # # # #
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9124441
Oh, yeah! I forgot that some varieties of Prickley Pear had those, too. Take your pick! It will get you with big needles and small needles!
The small needles are called Glochid.
Eyup, a Ponzi scheme would work real well on ponies. Good thing there was a cantankerous cynic of a human around to rain on the parade. One thing's for sure, this will have definitely cemented his good reputation with the royals.
...What does a dowser do?
9125081
Here you go!
And a print of a dowsing rod in use
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/27/Divining_Rod.jpg
Ah yes, the classic Ponzi scheme. Not that far removed from what they did in "Friendship University". Very glad Mark was there to recognize it and stop them. Empathy points for Trixie +5.
It was Walpole.
9125039 Wrong Mark found the ponzi scheme right enough. They stopped Trixie from covering everypony's losses.. How many nobles were taken in by Flim and Flam and are now feeling it in their wallets even if they didn't lose everything..
9125081
As in a dowsing rod. Look it up.
9125081
it finds Wells...so they can be....Marked
Makes sense that Flim and Flam would introduce this to Equestria. Wonder how long it will be before I see them recruiting ponies to sell cosmetics in one story or another.
Awwwww yay! That was a really sweet moment. I really enjoy these glimpses that show how much Trixie actually does care about doing a good job.
Would have been great to have an illustration of the clothesline incident. XD
Hmm... What DOES his bootie mark mean?
9125327
Judging from what we've seen so far, I'd say he has a talent for cutting through BS and getting right to the heart of a matter. Like a lightning bolt hitting a fogbank.
America may not have landed nobles, but you do have lineages that have gathered a great deal of acclaim and power. The earliest presidents were literal wealthy land owners with armies of servants, and it wasn't like those people didn't try to help their kids fly just as high as they did. The most recent president inherited his wealth from his father, who in turn inherited from distant relatives, and maintained a high standard of living despite his company having filed for bankruptcy six times. You'd think that after the first few he and his family would be out on their ass, but somehow they've managed to skirt by on the value of their name.
You may not call them nobles, but your wealthy people have all the hallmarks of aristocracy. It's actually worse, as nobility was - at least on paper - expected to serve the state and their people. No such obligation is placed on any American, because freedom.
9125081
Well a dowsing rod it used to find underground deposits of water. You would then have the location of where to build something so as to have easy access of said water. You would mark a well.
I gotta stop downloading chapters on the go. I'm missing out on the funny pictures!
Awwwwh Trixies grow up so fast nowdays.
Excellent character development this time. I'm lovin it.
9125338
Or a talent for flying blind and faceplowing into anything unable to get out of the way.
9125529
One does not preclude the other...
You know what? I am going to laugh my ass off, if Trixie actualy DOES end up an alicorn. And now imagine, that she does indeed end up with humility.
That was kinda big lesson there at the end.
That was an unbelievabley good chapter, though it might be my preference of political-like things
princess Candace came to make sure everything okay in equestria, she stayed for the shipping
9125258
Let me tell you about the amazing health benefits of blue-green algae tablets and Herbalife....
Wow! That was one heck of a jump in terms of quality (and quantity!) for this chapter and the story was already off to a very good start!
9125507
Thank you for actually explaining the joke!
princess of snu snu snerk
Yep, she's gonna try to you ship you Mark, no escaping now
This is gonna be good
9125977
To quote the Joker, "If you have to explain the joke, there is no joke." ಠ_ಠ
9125258
Or any number of the scams on Kickstarter and other crowdfunding sites making impossible promises.
"Donate 1000 bits to help us put the finishing touches on our wonderful magical cure-all and youth restoration potion and get a year supply of each for free!"
Mark Wells Puled Trixie's flank out of the fire on this one.
a grate fire even if we had death by Snu Snu
9125939
I'm aiming for shorter, more frequent chapters for this series in comparison to my other stories, but if it needs it, a chapter will have as much length and complexity that it needs to tell the episode right. I'm glad that you enjoyed this one.
9125081
Either scams people by pretending to be able to find things underground or actually believes that they can do it but fail whenever put to a controlled test.
9125166
To take a page from a Law & Order episode: The people to watch aren't those who lost millions, it's the people who only lost a few thousand but only had a few thousand to lose.
9125366
As a point of order: Fred Trump made most of his money himself, he was a very successful, (if not entirely honest and upstanding), businessman. His initial seed money was from his father's life insurance, (Frederick Trump having died in the 1918 flu epidemic), and minimal real estate holdings, (5 vacant lots).
9126937 Yes they are the ones to watch but the nobles arent going to be happy either. Also keep in mind they were shown to be idiots in front of the full court
9126937
Except that in Equestria, the technique actually works, although it's usually an earth pony skill.
9126937
Thats not exactly nothing, the value of those properties being about half a million today, but fair nuff. I just mentioned Trump as he's a very prominent example of what most people would consider a noble in all but name.
Although, to my amusement when I wiki'd Frederick Trump I read he'd lost his Bavarian citizenship for having emigrated to the US to avoid military service. I dunno if that's true or not, but it'd hilarious if so. It could be a family tradion!
Well if Flim and Foam aren't turned to glue for that type of ponzi scheme they would be lucky. Trippy chapter here, though Mark is not looking forward to the talk with Cadence.
9126633
Nicely done writing about how Staked Water Holes exposed the ponzi scheme.
Too bad we didn't have a more detailed description of his--um--flying lessons.
Instead, they all now pander to political parties.
Shouldn't Steady have bough out some special foods to replenish some of the body's needs?
I was going to say it seemed a little convenient for Mark to be able to explain all that as easily as he did. I mean, I know how Ponzi schemes work broadly, but I wouldn't recognise it instantly from a ledger or be able to summarise it as succinctly as he did. But if his friend's mom got sucked up in one, that makes it a little more likely.
Still, I wonder how many ponies will be taken down with Flim & Flam who knew what they were doing and were party to their scheme. Maybe a noble or two. One expects that when Celestia and Luna get back they'll find the ranks of their court cut in half
9163059
Fair. Although after seeing myself and others be taken advantage of I decided to look up some of the more common schemes people will face.
They exist. Ever been a cashier with a seemingly clueless but very certain seeming person who over pays in cash for a small item? Oh did I give you x amount of dollars thank you for catching that! Let's looks at what change I need after the actual transaction takes place. You would think math is involved but it's not.
All that's involved is manipulation of whether you see them as trust worthy. It fails alot. But if it fails them all that happens is a normal transaction. If it succeeded then they commonly have the item they paid for plus more money they paid because of cash.
After someone else pointed this out to me. I would find the same people jumping from line to line in a single store. Earning an approximate hundred or so as an estimate per day. Taking advantage if shift changes and the confidence you had that you helped someone in a moment of weakness. I didn't realize alot of these people were talking advantage of my workload and so many people to try and trick me into giving more cash back then they gave me.
Confusion and confidence.
Honestly a common shell game. I am not an expert on this at all but after looking at the explanations online of even common schemes it becomes apparent that this sort of stuff happens at all levels.
I know though that it just gets worse the higher up you go. Too much money moving around incorrectly and you have a chance of the money's momentum crushing you. Just look at 2008
Sorry. Rant over. I can understand someone down on your luck trying this to get an edge but it seems a number of people just do this because why not? It works.
9181716
Yeah, I worked at a smoothie shop when a con man got me to give an extra 20 by rapidly exchanging sets of bills in quick succession. I knew it happened immediately (and verified the till on the spot to check), but he had gone. Pissed me off something fierce...
Upon re-reading this, I only feel more strongly what I felt the first time: build the hospital. There is substantial public support for the idea. Capitalize (heh) on that support to raise funds through the sale of government-backed bonds. Make the purchase of such a bond a tax-deferment option.
FOR THE FOALS! FOR THE FOALS!
Oh, that's a good name for once, Trix.
that name "Even Ledger" reminds me of Level Ledger, main character of "shifting melodies".
Human saves the day... Classic
9125129
Extra History. Fun show.
9923231
Humans are crafty bastards. There is VERY little problems or frauds that we have NOT yet encountered... So yeah, "future human" would see right through a first ever attempt at fraud by "past ponies".
We had an emperor though at one point.
Also...