• Published 30th Jul 2018
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Off The Mark - Goldfur



Mark Wells only bought an old mirror, so why did he now have hooves, wings and green fur? And where was he? Maybe this great and powerful princess could tell him?

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Chapter 53 - Games Ponies Play

A castle maid entered the dining room and walked up to stand beside me.

“Pardon me, Your Highness – I have a letter for you.”

By necessity as one of the rulers of Equestria, all mail intended for me went through the castle staff first, then to my personal assistant, Starlight, vetted for urgency and relevance. While I was flattered by the sheer amount of mail that I started receiving after becoming a prince, there are only so many ways to tell prospective mares that I wasn’t planning to change Equestrian Law to make herds legal and start one anytime soon, or diplomatic ways of telling citizens that I couldn’t possibly attend every ribbon-cutting ceremony in a city that thrived on frequent events like those.

However, there were a few exceptions to the rule, and judging by the familiar scent imbued upon the missive, I already knew which one this was. I thanked the maid and opened the letter. I smiled and looked up to see Trixie gazing curiously at me. “Rarity has just finalized her Spring Fashion Line.”

My wife’s eyes lit up. “Trixie presumes that this will entail the usual pre-release modeling session?”

I grinned. My business partner always made Celestia-sized versions for me to strut down the catwalk, not to mention some new unique designs specifically for me. My wardrobe was getting quite full of them. Perhaps one day I’d get to wear them in public outside of Ponyville, but for now, the modeling sessions were my and Rarity’s guilty pleasure and my spouse never missed the opportunity to watch one. Few of my close friends ever did.

“Yep. It’s this weekend.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Weren’t you and your friends doing an Ogres & Oubliettes session this weekend too?”

“Yes, but that’s on Saturday. Rarity knew that I would be in town for it, so she scheduled the modeling for Sunday.”

“Ah – that makes sense. Trixie hopes that Lady Rarity has finished her special commission so that it may be collected then.”

It was my turn to give my wife a puzzled look. “Special commission? You’ve not mentioned that before.”

“You are indeed perceptive, Dowser.”

I opened my mouth to ask what it was when my brain caught up. Wife being mysterious. Special commission. Probably meant as a surprise. Shut your mouth, Mark. I did so and pushed my curiosity down – I’d find out soon enough.


As was a regular occurrence for us at the end of the week, Trixie and I, along with our retinue, headed to the station for the Ponyville Express Special. The railway company had taken note of the great increase in the frequency of the impromptu royal visits and had added a regular Friday evening service that ran express to its namesake. A similar service reversed the route on Sunday evening. This was of benefit to the growing number of Ponyville citizens who regularly worked in Canterlot but preferred to be home for the weekend. It enabled us all to enjoy a leisurely trip which nonetheless got us to our destination fairly quickly. That gave us all a chance to chat at Twilight’s castle and catch up on the week’s happenings. Some of them were more remarkable than others.

“Let me tell you about how I became the Dragonlord,” Spike announced.

We all stared at him in utter disbelief but I noticed Twilight wearing a knowing grin. Okay – there was definitely a story here.

“Alright, Spike – let’s hear it,” I said.

So he told us all about how he had received an irresistible summons from Torch, the Dragonlord, and attended the convocation of hundreds of dragons where Torch announced that he was retiring and passing on the mantle of leadership. Ambitious dragons had to compete to gain the staff that was the magical symbol of power. Spike hadn’t intended to participate but he was pressured into it. The task was difficult but the little drake was true to his upbringing in the pony way and his selfless cooperation with another dragon was rewarded. And that’s how Spike became Lord of all dragonkind.

For about a minute!

Spike passed the mantle on to the dragon who had gone out of her way to help him, showing him her great leadership potential. I looked forward to meeting Ember, the new Dragonlord. Although she was the daughter of Torch, it sounded as if she would be a progressive voice among the notoriously hidebound and aggressive race. As for Spike, he already knew where he belonged. Twilight’s little brother and number one assistant would always be there for her, and that made him a prime substitute for the Element of Loyalty, in my opinion.

Torch’s retirement got me thinking how that would affect Equestria, but I put those thoughts aside for the moment. This was the time for socializing, not work.

“That was amazing, Spike. You never cease to surprise me.” I gave him a grin and a wink. “So, what else is going on here in Ponyville besides young dragons becoming the all-powerful Dragonlord?”

The purple alicorn replied, “Lots of work to be done to get crops sown and projects finished before Mating Season starts. Did you make your plans yet?”

Eep! I’d forgotten about that. “Well, because we’re not 100% sure if I’ll be forced to change into a mare as yet, I was thinking of staying in Canterlot until it’s clear one way or the other. If I become Marklestia, we’ll join you here in Ponyville.”

Twilight looked over to Trixie. “He’s going to stay with you into the Season?”

My wife just smiled slyly.

I said, “Trixie made it very clear that she wants to share every day with me, whichever way things work out.” And I kinda had to make up for leaving her alone last Season too. Despite the risk of pregnancy, she had been very adamant that it was her choice to make. I had already conceded that point and, frankly, I was cool with it. But she had in turn conceded that if I became a mare as expected, I had a promise to keep to Rarity.

Conversation devolved into talk about foals and who had gotten pregnant last Season and who planned to do so this time. I felt that with so much estrogen in the air, I might as well join in, so I switched to my long-maned Marklestia form. Trixie certainly didn’t mind because my large alter-ego wrapped my much smaller wife in a wing hug with occasional kisses hidden by my huge mane and plumage. I suspect our giggles might have given us away though.


Everypony slept in on Saturday. It was a jealously guarded perk after a week’s hard work. Trixie and I were in no hurry to get out of our bed in the morning, so it was approaching noon before we rose to break our fast. Straight afterwards, though, I gave my wife a parting kiss and left to begin setting up for the Ogres & Oubliettes game. At the end of our last meeting, everyone liked the idea of me taking over the role of Dungeon Master for the next session. Now I had to track down Discord and walk through my plan so he could get the campaign props set up. He had already sworn on his Scout’s Honor (including the correct hand gesture) that he would cast a temporary spell on himself that would make him forget those details until the end of the game so it would not spoil the enjoyment of the adventure for either him or his companions. I carefully refrained from pointing out that he never was a Boy Scout... as far as I knew.

As I had hoped, Discord was in the Map Room, trying his paw at interior decorating. I recognized the root structure now attached to the ceiling. The glowing pastel-colored globes of light hanging from the arrangement did nothing to hide its origin. I said, “You know that when Twilight sees this, she’ll freak out. If you got it from the Golden Oak Library she’s been trying so diligently to restore to health, she’s going to have a literal cow.”

Discord continued to squint at the oversized light fixture, rubbing a paw on his chin. “Like you, I don’t really see the appeal. However, one of the dimensions over slantways and twelve parsecs up was unpopulated, so I left a note and took this gaudy eyesore.”

“Do I want to know what killed everypony there?”

“No. No, you don’t. It won’t be coming here, though. I made sure of that.” He clapped his paw and hand together and beamed down at me. “But since we’ll have to wait until later to entertain ourselves with the purple pooh-pooher’s reaction, I believe we have a world to set up. Not cardboard standees this time, I’m guessing?”

“Correct. I think it’s time to move our adventurers into…” I struck a pose and said in my most commanding tone, “… The Third Dimension!


After Rainbow Dash arrived only ten minutes late, everyone was present and sitting around the Map Table. OK, maybe Discord was snaking his way around and through the root system above us, but no one was paying him any attention. In fact, his update to the décor had generated only a few compliments and an observation from Rainbow Dash that the globe lighting matched the coat colors of the six Element Bearers. I’d missed that detail. We’d see how good her skills of perception were soon enough. Across from me, Spike and Big Mac were carrying on a spirited conversation about what to expect in the next edition of the O&O rulebook due out in a couple of months. I appreciated that Big Mac dropped his laconic two-syllable speaking style as soon as he sat down to play. It made adventuring so much easier when he didn’t have to play a monk every single time. Specifically, a monk whose vow of silence restricted him to just two words.

I cleared my throat and got everyone’s attention. “As I promised, I will be doing the DM duties today in a module of my own design. I will also be playing the speaking NPCs throughout the adventure. You’ll find the setting, weapons, and monsters different this time. No more cardboard cut-outs. Now you will experience real, three-dimensional settings and threats. As always, Discord will ensure that if anyone loses their head, it will be returned by the end of the adventure.” I heard chuckles all around. This was an old joke from an earlier gaming session when Discord’s body had been lost early in the journey and the remaining members took turns ensuring he made it to the Well of Renewal at the end. Of course, decapitation did not even slow down his dialog, with his advice alternately leading us into helpful and harrowing situations.

“Also, I am going to be assigning each of you to an unfamiliar character class to further put you outside your comfort zone. Big Mac, you are a wizard wielding a staff. Rainbow Dash is a bow-wielding archer.”

“Still awesome!” she declared with her trademark huge grin.

I couldn’t help but smile back before I continued. “Spike, you will be the party’s barbarian/tank with a war hammer. Discord is the cleric and wields a mace.”

The draconequus put on a very pious air. “It is against the commandments of the all-powerful Graham Cracker to cause an opponent to bleed. Thus I only carry a weapon that induces minor denting.”

Spike smirked. “And what if said opponent starts bleeding after you dent him halfway through?”

Discord shrugged but maintained his angelic appearance, somewhat aided by the halo over his head and heralding trumpets rising into the air from behind him. “It’s not my fault if their deities designed them so that they leak easily.”

Big Mac rolled his eyes. Out of the bunch, Discord got the most involved in role-play. No one complained as it added another layer of fun to the games.

I asked, “Any questions?” The only responses I got were four pairs of eager eyes staring back at me.

I turned to Discord. “Maestro, the show may begin.”


After a snap of Discord's fingers, everyone found themselves in a standard Equestrian Bar – lots of dark wood everywhere, more than a few stains on the stone tile floor, and the ever-present smell of beer. I switched to my pink-haired Marklestia form and looked behind me. Above the bar was a hastily amended sign:

DEfiniTELY NoT Berry Punch’s Bar

No wonder it looked so familiar. Regardless, I needed to get going. I threw on an apron I found behind the bar and trotted out to the only occupied table.

All four adventurers were now wearing clothes that matched their player class. Discord wore a deep purple robe and hood. Rainbow Dash’s natural flair marvelously pulled off the green tunic and woodspony cap (complete with one of her feathers). Big Mac had on a flowing red cloak that hooked together with a dragon-shaped silver clasp around his neck. If he noticed his omnipresent yoke was gone, he didn’t show any sign of it. Spike had a blue scale-mail shirt over a white undergarment of some sort. All were carrying on a cheerful conversation as I came up and slipped into character.

“Oh! Thank heavens! Would you be the courageous adventuring party that all of Equestria knows by the fame of their bravery?” OK, yeah, I was laying it on thick, so what?

Spike turned to me and said. “Indeed, fair maiden. We have defeated monsters, warlords, demons, trolls, and even a walking squid during our travels.”

I gushed and took a huge intake of breath, clasping both forehooves against my chest in a sign of adulation. “Oh, I am so honored to be in your presence. And I, who am in such dire need! It must be fate itself, or blessings from the great Blueberry Waffle!”

Discord frowned and rapped the table with the handle of his mace, causing the mugs to jump. “We do not follow that pretender! The four of us…” He looked around to see three shaking heads. “… well, I at least direct my panders elsewhere. I am a Crackerovian, through and through.”

I gasped again and fell into a curtsy. “My deepest apologies, oh most learned and devout one. I meant no offense.”

Discord waved a paw. “None taken, little trollop. Our numbers are few and growing lesser all the time.”

Trollop was it? Yes, it was. Time to get back into character. I stood up and began sashaying around the table, trying to maximize my flank and tail’s contact with the party members I passed. Soon I focused on Big Mac. I leaned into him and nuzzled his ear. “My poor, poor little brother who means the world to me. He left this morning to play up at the cave on the mountainside and hasn’t come back. Now I hear there are ferocious…” Kissed the earth pony’s jaw. “… scary…” Kissed the base of his ear and heard him gulp. “… evil monsters up there. Are you big and strong enough to save him?” I lightly nipped the top of his ear with my teeth.

The stallion dropped straight onto his belly. I tried to act all innocent. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did little-old-me make you weak in the knees?”

He shifted a moment as he looked up at me, and then turned to look straight ahead. “Something like that.”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t even trying to hold back her laughter. She’d be next.

I coiled myself around her lower body. “I would do anything to get my little brother back safe.” I nipped a certain spot on her mane and pulled. Her laughter stopped and her wings popped out to their full wingspan.

“Anything?” asked Discord skeptically.

I waved a hoof. “At least make you anything that the bar can serve up.” I tilted the pegasus mare’s hat over her eyes before swaying my way to the draconequus. I nuzzled my head under his chin for a moment. “I am so, so, so grateful that you are here.” I lifted my head and started to hover as I bent his neck backward. “Surely all of you can understand the utter direness of my situation!” I continued to push his head further and further until it rested literally on his back. “Can you imagine the desperation I feel right now? Will you not help me?”

Discord wheezed out, “I think I am beginning to see things from her perspective.”

One more. I strode confidently up to Spike who gave me the stink eye. I smiled back. “And you are clearly the leader of this august band of heroes. Will you accept this quest and further cement your legacy?”

Spike snorted and turned away. “I think not. Pretty talk and a wiggly rump will only get you so far, miss.”

I leaned down to speak softly into his ear. “Free root beer until closing.”

I had to jerk my head back quickly to avoid being hit in the snout by a leaping dragon. Now standing in a wide stance on the table, Spike lifted his war hammer skywards. “Now that’s a cause I can fight for!”

“Here, here!” I heard from all around the table. Everyone stood up and raised their mugs except for Big Mac, who apparently needed a bit more time to recover.

After politely refusing their coin for a minute or so, the party wizard was able to stand again safely. The four began to file out as I set to work cleaning the table.

Rainbow Dash turned back to me. “Hey! What’s the kid’s name?”

I shrugged. “Does it really matter? He never even looks my way when I yell out his name and ask him to do something. Since you are all strangers, you’ve got even less of a chance. Just call him ‘Shrimp’.”

Right after they left, I tapped the back of my left front pastern twice and saw it disappear along with every other part of my body that was in view. Now that the party couldn’t see me, I exited the building and took to the air. The group was ascending the one path towards a very realistic mountain. Discord had warned me not to fly beyond the clearing I could see ahead of them, as his pocket dimension had limits in the form of unyielding walls that could not be seen. I hovered a hundred feet or so above the group to watch their progress.

After a couple of minutes, a series of clanks and whirrs caused Spike to hold up a hand to stop the group. A metallic construct blocked their path and now slowly moved closer. The center was a silvery dome about the size of a pony covered with lights of different colors. The dome rotated occasionally, making it appear to be scanning every member of the party. Its three legs that also served as arms were arranged in a tripod, each made of overlapping sections of the same metal. The legs were two body-lengths long and ended in a grasping array of three curved spikes.

Following their leader’s orders, the party fanned out around the clockwork apparatus and it spun its central core repeatedly, almost like it was confused which way to turn. Suddenly, with surprising speed, it raced towards Big Mac and cocked a leg to the left once it was in range. Before it could strike, the earth pony shot the limb with a beam from his staff that encased the lower half of the leg in ice. After the briefest hesitation, the beast moved forward a bit more and struck the party’s wizard with the frozen appendage. Big Mac sprawled to the ground with an ‘Oof!” but quickly jumped up again. In the meantime, Spike rushed forward to strike the beast, calling out, “Come on, guys! Now’s our chance!” Belatedly, the rest of the party closed in and took the opportunity to pound the distracted machine. A strike from Spike’s war hammer broke off the end segment to one arm, while Discord’s mace strike missed and three quick arrows from Rainbow Dash yielded only a single hit that stuck in one of the red dots on the dome.

Grunts of effort and yells of encouragement floated up to me as, little by little, the party wore down the mechanical beast. At last, with a final blow to the dome by Discord, the remainder of the creature fell apart.

The four tired but elated adventurers clasped limbs above their vanquished foe then started retelling their exploits as they walked up the trail once more.

Their happy joking and camaraderie died out when they heard clanking and humming noises just ahead. Moments later, a second identical beast crested the hill in front of them and charged.

The second beast went down with a bit less effort than the first, but the third took much longer. The party’s efforts were complicated by Rainbow Dash flying wherever she chose rather than keeping to one side. As a result, the monster would attack whomever was on the opposite side of where she was supposed to be. Also, Spike’s orders to the rest of the party were sometimes vague, requiring time wasted in getting clarification. Finishing off the fourth monster was by no means a sure thing, with the archer out of commission and designated as “unconscious” at zero hit points and Big Mac wielding his staff as a club by the end if the battle.

Discord restored everyone to two-thirds health then declared his healing magic was used up for the next twenty rounds. Rainbow announced she could only make five-second flights until she got back some of her depleted endurance points.

“So do we rest here and regain our spell, endurance, and hit points or do we press on?” asked Big Mac.

“It looks like the ground flattens out into a clearing just ahead,” said Rainbow Dash, “I’m betting that was the last of them.”

Discord reached into his robe, pulled out a set of knucklebones and rolled them on the ground. He stared at the macabre dice with a frown, tapping his chin.

“Well, what does your patron deity have to say?” asked Spike.

“ ‘Out to Lunch. Try again later.’ ” Discord swept up the makeshift cubes and returned them to his pocket. In a hurt tone, he said, “If the Great and All-powerful Graham Cracker was a pony, I would just call him/her/them/it lazy. Not even good for a joke to add frivolity to our day.”

Spike looked between the party members for a few moments. “Let’s go on. If we’re done, we’re done. If not, we’ll improvise; after this many adventures, we’re experts.” He held his arm out and it was quickly grasped by the remaining three.

“Are you guys ready?” asked Spike.

“Hey!” protested Rainbow Dash.

“Meant in the most general sense, like ‘Hey, you guys.’”

“Oh, OK. Yeah, I’m ready.”

The four spread out as the trail widened. They jogged to the crest where they entered a wide, flat field in front of them. Knee-high grass rippled in flowing patterns in the chill breeze. A scattering of blue flowers poked above the meadow, adding to the tranquility of the scene. A cave pierced the mountain on the far side, its depths lost in shadow. In front of the opening, with a loud clank and a rising whine, something very large stood up.

Easily three times the size of its smaller brethren, the machine had a thick cylinder in the center, again covered with spots of several colors. Its legs were proportionally longer and thicker, and as it moved, all six of them came into view. The metal used to make the beast appeared to be the same but had reinforcing ribs and plates over its leg segments. It moved with a deeper whine and the bass thump of its legs hitting the ground made me a bit afraid, even from my spot far above the reach of those clawed limbs.

Unlike the previous encounters, the four adventurers made no attempt to spread out as it approached. Instead, when the monster reached the center of the field and continued without pause, Spike called out, “Tactical retreat!”

I had to chuckle a bit as their pell-mell scamper down the mountainside looked nothing like an organized anything. I dipped a wing and poured on some speed to reach the tavern before the adventurers. As I landed, I tapped my left front pastern two times and I could see my forelegs again. After tapping my right front pastern twice, my legs were a dull orange color. I reached up and felt the moustache part of my disguise. Yep. A nice, ridiculously long handlebar on each side.

Looking across the street, I saw the newly appeared sign declaring “Carnival of Fate.” Turning my head to noises on my left, I watched the exhausted party come around the side of the tavern. Showtime.

“Did you see what those first two beasts were doing?” asked Discord.

“Yep,” said Big Mac. “They were reforming.”

Rainbow Dash raised her hooves and looked skywards. “Auuuuugh! That means we’ll have to bust them apart again!”

Spike turned his war hammer over in his grip. “There has to be a secret to defeating them, or maybe we need something stronger than our current weapons.”

Sounded like my cue. “Greetings, my fellow travelers! Scrambled Egg is my name and solving problems is my game! Sounds like you’ve been having troubles with the local wildlife that… uh… isn’t technically alive.” I tried to recover with a beaming smile and a twirl of my waxed moustache.

Spike looked up at me suspiciously. “Indeed.”

After waiting a bit for him to continue, I said, “Ahhh, the joys of youth. I used to be an adventurer like the rest of you, but I took an arrow to the knee and now I am reduced to assisting brave, stalwart heroes like yourselves... for a nominal fee. No, not even a fee, a favor, rather!”

Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs and frowned. “Exactly what kind of fee?”

I waved a hoof. “Never mind that right now. First, I must prove to you the worth of my services.” I waved to Spike to come closer. “Please, sir! Step up and try your hand.”

When he was close, I handed him a standard, ordinary hatchet. Next, I reached down to pick up a wooden cube the size of his head. A thick coat of white paint covered every face. I placed it on a low and slightly angled tree stump nearby then stood back.

“Please, noble barbarian. Take a swing. Attempt to cleave the block in two.”

Spike lifted an eyebrow at me, then walked up to the stump. He lifted the hatchet and brought it down hard. The blade struck and the block bounced away. A sizable chip flew off a different direction.

I smiled. “Well struck, sir! Now if you would just hold that out towards me for a moment.” I pulled a short wand from my mane as Spike did so.

Putting on a serious face, I touched my wand to the blade of the hatchet. In my most solemn voice, I intoned, “Aurum Mortadella.” The hatchet took on a pleasant, golden glow from the bottom of the handle to the top edge of the blade.

I retrieved the wood block and placed it on the stump again, giving Spike a fresh face to strike.

“Now try, young sir! Try with all your considerable might!”

Spike growled as he raised the weapon and brought it down with a war cry. This time, he cut the block cleanly in two.

The party shared a look with each other then returned to staring at me. As I retrieved the hatchet from Spike, I nodded my head. “I’m glad you asked! As you know, my old bones can’t do what they used to. I promised my sweet, sweet little filly that I would get her all four princess toys from the Carnival that’s in town.”

I gestured with a hoof to the other side of the street. Not much of a Carnival, to be honest. A sign and a few prize game stands, but hey, Discord and I could only get in so much prep time. I let the party look it over for a few seconds then got their attention. “Four permanent plus to hit and damage enchantments in return for four plush princesses. Good luck!”

The party trudged under the sign then up to the nearest carnival prize booth while I followed close behind.

There were a total of four carnival stations arranged in a cross with their backs to an empty area in the center. All had the standard wide netting on the sides with several foal-sized plush toys hanging high up. The closest booth had Princess Twilight plushies as the prize. A teenage unicorn colt stood slack-jawed just behind the counter, a terminally bored expression on his face. A black curtain hid the game area, and on the counter rested a large slingshot and four silver balls, each the size of an orange.

Spike stepped up and picked up the slingshot and one of the spheres. And waited. He turned to the attendant. “Well? Pull back the curtain.”

In response, the young pony used a forehoof to tap a symbol that was previously under the slingshot.

Spike looked down. “Oh.” Turning, he held out the slingshot, “Discord! There’s a cleric symbol on the counter.”

“Oh, how fun!” said the draconequus, grabbing the slingshot with his paw and taking the ball with his clawed hand. The colt nodded and pulled back on a giant lever that came out of the ground. Obediently, the curtains pulled back, revealing a wall consisting of a hundred or so multi-color blocks. Yellow was the most common color, but green, red, blue, and purple blocks were also present.

Discord lifted the slingshot with his paw, loaded and pulled back the basket with his clawed hand, and closed one eye. Just before releasing, his paw jerked and the shot went high and wide. One of the Twilight Sparkle dolls swayed wildly.

The colt running the stand snorted but quickly wiped his grin away. Discord turned with an unapologetic smile. “Oops. Must have slipped.”

I got just as big of a grin out of his antics as everyone else... except Spike who apparently felt a bit protective of his big sister, even by proxy. Discord fired off the next three spheres in quick succession, leaving over half of the blocks still standing. The attendant pushed his lever forward and then back again. The black curtains closed then reopened a few seconds later. The wall was whole again although the blocks were rearranged.

The colt reached down to pick up four more balls and put them on the counter. “Awwww... Too bad, so sad, geezer. Fail again... oh, I mean ‘Try again!’” He snorted. “Yeah, as if.”

Big Mac said, “I guess these guys don’t get tips very often.”

Rainbow Dash said, “Gee, I wonder why?”

Spike said, “Probably because they are as salty as you are.” That earned him a glare but a few chuckles from everyone except the mare. “Find your stations, guys.”

Soon, each party member stood before one of the booths, slingshot in hand or hoof or paw. I set myself up so I could watch both Discord on my right and Rainbow Dash on my left. Spike was further around to my left and Big Mac was further around to my right. Almost immediately, Rainbow Dash called out, “Hey! Knocking down a red block causes other blocks to fall!”

Spike called back, “Same with the purple blocks!”

After a minute, Discord said, “I’m still left with blocks at the end. I can’t get all of them down.”

This was tacitly agreed with until Big Mac yelled, “I got it! There are four blue blocks. That’s the puzzle’s weak spot. Shoot all of them and the whole wall falls down.”

Jogging around to the right, I got a quick glimpse of Big Mac’s demolished wall just as the curtains began closing. His attendant sighed then reached down to pick up something small which he then gave to Big Mac. I looked over the party mage’s shoulder to take a better look. It was a wooden coin with the words “YOU WON!” on one side. He flipped it over to read “YAY!” on the other.

“But,” said Big Mac, “I wanted the princess.”

“How do we win the princess doll?” said Rainbow Dash, who had stopped playing to watch from the spot in front of her counter.

For the first time, I saw a station attendant smile openly. In fact, all three that I could see were grinning, and not in a pleasant way. The teenage colt running Big Mac’s game twisted the knob at the top of his lever three times, then pulled back hard. Along with the black curtains opening, three huge, segmented wooden arms rose from behind the booth. Simultaneously, the same number rose from behind the remaining booths. Discord’s were painted purple, Rainbow’s green, Spike’s blue, and Big Mac’s were red. When they toppled forwards, the party members weren’t the only ones that had to scramble to get away as I had forgotten that I was so close to look at Big Mac’s coin.

Again at a safe distance, the adventurers regrouped while the flailing arms pounded the spaces in front of them. I used that time to return to my spot between Spike and Discord’s booths.

Spike said, “I have a ball but I can’t shoot accurately from here.”

Rainbow Dash added, “Yeah. Not to mention the arms getting in the way.”

There was a pause as the appendages continued to pound the dirt.

Big Mac called out, “There is a little space to stand up right at the counter. The arms sometimes bend over that spot, at least for a while.”

Spike said, “Well, let’s see if we can get there.”

They couldn’t, though it was amusing to watch them try. No permanent damage was done, but each member got a few bumps and bruises for their trouble. The party members made some successful shots, only to see their progress wiped out by the puzzle resetting when the player got hit by an arm. Although I think the laughter from the colt attendants whenever that happened may have smarted more.

Rainbow called out. “I think I see it!” She dodged her way to the counter, grabbed a ball, took a shot, then quickly retreated. Panting, she said, “Look for a pattern! There’s a window when you can get in, shoot, then get out.”

One by one, her teammates figured out the right sequence of moves to safely score hits on their targets. The arms on Spike’s game moved slower than the others as a concession to the speed of the player and he was the first to knock out all four blue blocks. His booth attendant pushed his lever forward. The blue arms over the game stretched straight upwards, then retreated behind the back of the stand where they had come from. The teenage colt sighed then reached down and picked up a trumpet. What followed was the saddest, most pitiful excuse for a fanfare I had ever heard in my life. After setting down the trumpet again, he took a long, hooked pole and used it to lift down one of the plush toys from high on the netting— in Spike’s case, Princess Trixie.

Big Mac and Rainbow Dash finished at nearly the same time, resulting in a duel between their carnival game workers as to who could put out the most terrible, off-tune wailing excuse for what was supposed to be a happy sound. I concluded that everyone listening was the loser.

I decided to walk back to my original spot outside the park. A few minutes later, I found that being forty feet further away did lessen the nausea caused by the sound that I can only describe as halfway between a donkey’s bray and a death rattle.

The four strode back to me through the gate of the park, each holding a plush toy.

The party cleric said, “I tell you, the great Graham Cracker is not helping my luck or my skill rolls at all.”

“Which is why none of us follow him... or her or them or it,” said Big Mac.

Spike bellowed out, “Hey, enchanter guy! Here you go! Four princess plushies for your little one, so now it’s time for you to pay up!”

I carefully examined each toy in turn. “Princess Twilight, good... Princess Cadance, fine... the always sexy Princess Trixie...”. I turned to face Spike. “My favorite, actually.” Spike glowered while Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. Big Mac and Discord got a laugh out of their reactions.

I frowned at the last figure. “What’s this? Prince Mark in a wedding dress!?” I held it as far away from me as I could, wrinkling up my muzzle. “No. No-no-no-no-no-no. You call that a princess? Look, my little filly may not be the most socially aware pony on the face of Equus, but even she knows the difference between a real princess and this half-assed attempt at wishful-thinking. I mean, who likes cross-dressing stallions?”

“Pot, meet kettle,” grumbled Spike.

I tossed the plush version of myself at their hooves. “Take that thing back. I don’t want to see it again. No, I want the plush toy of Princess Flurry Heart. She’s my little filly’s favorite.”

Discord picked up the future resident of the Island of Unwanted Toys and shoved it into his robe. “But there was no Princess Flurry Heart prize.”

I smirked and waved a hoof towards the carnival. “Look again.”

Now suspended by magic high above the space between the four game stands was a huge plush toy of Flurry Heart, complete with diaper and pacifier. It had to be twice the size of an adult pony.

I poured on the snark. “I mean, how did you miss that?” This earned an amusing grumble from the party archer along with an “I’m watching you” hoof gesture.

“Come on, guys,” said Spike, ignoring my insult. I jogged along, taking my previous spot diagonal to two of the games and a safe distance back.

Each player went back to their same stand. Rainbow Dash got to her spot first so I saw her grab her slingshot and a ball before everyone else had reached their counters. All four attendants pulled their levers at the same time. Immediately, all four sets of segmented arms rose from behind the stands and toppled forwards. The other three members followed Rainbow’s example of beating a hasty retreat to get out of range, having chosen not to risk getting pummeled over trying to grab their slingshots.

Spike yelled, “Hey, Rainbow! What the heck?”

Big Mac said, “No, this is important. All the booths are acting in sync now. I bet we’ll all have to beat our games to win the prize.”

Discord pointed, “That’s not the only thing different. Look at the colors!”

Good. So at least one of them noticed the huge limbs pounding the ground in front of them.

Discord continued, “I’ve got the blue arms now.”

Big Mac said, “Mine are green. Can we rotate around to our old colors?”

“I don’t think so,” called back Spike. “The booths are still tied to our character classes. Who had purple last time?”

“That would be me,” answered Discord.

“What was the pattern?”

“Wait until the arms strike left to right then right to left. Run in on the right side, take a shot, and run out through the middle.”

“Got it. You’ve got blue, so your pattern is to go in through the middle after the middle arm strikes the ground three times. Run out starting on the left, making your way over to the right as you go.”

Instructions were likewise shouted across between Big Mac and Rainbow Dash. Each studied their new obstacle for a time while the ground was repeatedly pummeled by the appendages.

“Is everyone ready?” asked Spike. When he got answering noises in the affirmative, he yelled “Go!”

Each player ran forward together as the windows of opportunity were timed to occur simultaneously. Discord and Spike successfully completed their trials but Rainbow Dash and Big Mac got clobbered.

“Hey, mine reset too!” called out Discord.

Big Mac said, “We all have to succeed together!”

“Let’s try again,” said Spike. “Go!”

This time, Discord was the only one that got knocked down. The third time proved to be the charm. As I retreated to my spot outside the park, I saw the joyous adventurers high-hoofing as dour attendants brought their trumpets up again. Forewarned, I stopped and covered my ears with my forehooves. The Dirge from Hell was soon over, and I saw a much more subdued adventuring party wait for the game workers to levitate the monster-sized plush toy to them.

Back outside the tavern, I idly twirled my moustache while putting on a cheesy grin.

“Are you satisfied now?” asked Big Mac, more sarcasm in his voice than I had ever heard before.

“Yes, yes. Veeeeeeery niiiiiiiiice.” I looked the massive plush princess up and down... and left and right. “Not sure how I’ll be getting it home, though.”

“That would be your problem,” said Spike holding out his war hammer. This was quickly followed by the other three doing likewise with their weapons.

“Fine, fine. A deal is a deal, and you chaps did admirably,” I said as I pulled out my wand.

“Hey!” protested Rainbow Dash.

“‘Chaps’ meant in the most general sense, like ‘guys’,” I clarified. That seemed to mollify the pegasus.

I repeated the previous incantation and now each party member had a weapon that glowed with a rich, golden aura.

I intoned, “Now, with the improvements bestowed upon you, go forth to victory!” Big Mac frowned at my curious wording, but didn’t say anything.

After they left, I switched again to my pink-haired Marklestia form, although my moustache stayed for some reason. Oh, well. A glitch to sort out later. I turned invisible and took to the air, arriving just as the party waited for the first three-legged mechanical monster to approach. I was close enough to hear their discussion.

“So just bash it with our improved weapons?” asked Discord.

Big Mac replied, “Maybe it has weak spots?”

“Hold that thought,” said Rainbow Dash. She lifted into the air and swooped to just outside the range of the beast’s arms. She cocked her bow and let an arrow fly that hit one of the blue spots on the dome. Sparks flew and the monster staggered back a step. She called out, “Blue marks its weak spots!”

“There are blue parts between some of the joints,” said Spike, who demonstrated this by running up and bashing off a third of one leg with a well-aimed blow. In about a minute, they reduced the first beast to nothing but parts. The adventurers surrounded the second and turned it into scrap in half that time. The third and fourth came at the party together, but the group coordinated their efforts into groups of two, with Big Mac and Rainbow Dash breaking off pieces with well-placed shots at a distance. Meanwhile, Discord and Spike stayed close enough to keep the beast’s attention without being in any danger of getting hit.

The party was more winded by the climb than the combat by the time they arrived just below the plateau with the wide meadow.

“Strategy, boss?” said Rainbow.

Spike thought for a moment. “Other than the spots on its central cylinder, I didn’t notice any other blue parts of the big boss. Did anyone else see any?” This was met by three head-shakes. “In that case, I recommend surrounding it and trying to hit those with your arrows and Big Mac’s fire bolts. Other than that, keep calling out your observations. Any other suggestions?” A bit longer this time, but there were three more head-shakes.

“Alright then.” Spike put his hand in the center of the group.

“For the everlasting glory of the Great Graham Cracker!” proclaimed Discord as he put his clawed hand onto Spike’s.

“To save the poor, innocent foal and rid the world of one more monster,” said Big Mac as he put a hoof in the center.

“Because we love to break stuff!” added Rainbow Dash, reaching a hoof forward.

“For free root beer until we can swim in it!” concluded Spike. “Let’s do this!”

The party spread out before cresting into the clearing together. The massive beast seemed to wake up from a resting state, raising its center section off of the ground before marching forward on the thunderous pummeling of its segmented legs.

When it reached the center of the clearing, the party had positioned themselves on all four sides.

“Now!” called out Rainbow Dash as she loosed an arrow. Big Mac was ready and a flaming ball shot towards the creature. Just before the two projectiles hit, the central cylinder turned on its axis and the shots missed their intended marks.

“It’s no use,” said Big Mac. “I can’t hit my target at this range.”

“I have to get closer,” said Rainbow Dash. “I can’t get a good shot from here, and its legs are too long for me to get near enough.”

“Does anyone see any other blue spots?” asked Spike. A chorus of noes answered him. “Then we’ll just have to get closer.”

Cautiously, the party approached the monster, their weapons at the ready.

The adventurers made some ineffective blows on the legs and claws as they avoided its attacks. Then Spike dodged left when he should have gone right and one of the creature’s claws grabbed him around the middle and hoisted him in the air. “Help! It’s got me!”

Rainbow Dash said, “More importantly, there are blue spots all along the underside of its legs!”

Spike stopped yelling to glare at the pegasus. “How is that more important?”

Rainbow called out, “Guys! Keep the two adjacent legs busy! I’m going to free Spike!”

Flying under the raised tentacle, Rainbow shot an arrow point blank into the blue spot on a joint between segments, causing the leg to break apart and the claw to open. Spike started falling (and yelling) again. Rainbow caught him easily and set him down out of range of the creature’s legs. The monster backed a dozen feet away from the party and rotated the injured limb behind itself.

Big Mac called out, “That was great work, Spike! Now you just have to do it five more times.”

“I don’t want to do that five more times!”

Discord said, “Frankly, I don’t know how you made it out of that in one piece. Anyway, Big Mac’s strategy is sound. The blessings of the Almighty Cracker of Unfettered Grahamness will be on you always for your noble sacrifice. Doesn’t a long sermon in your memory sound like a fitting tribute?”

Spike shook his head for emphasis. “No it doesn’t! We need to give it something else to fixate on.”

Rainbow said, “The only other thing we have is a plush doll of a cross-dressing prince.” She held out a hoof and received it from Discord.

Big Mac yelled, “Sacrifice it to the cause!” He grabbed it in his mouth and heaved it at the center of the machine in a high arc. One of the tentacles shot upwards and caught it, only to have blasts from Big Mac and arrows from Rainbow Dash break it apart into several pieces while Discord and Spike harassed the tentacles on either side.

The adventurers used the same tactic again and again, and it was not clear if the mechanical beast or the “Princess Mark” plush toy was taking more of a beating. In short order, three of the beast’s arms were completely gone and it had difficulty trying to balance on the three that remained. The four team members went right up to the central cylinder and pounded on the blue spots until the last one winked out and the machine expired with a final clatter.

The players cheered and embraced, slapping each other on the backs. After a while, they headed off to the cave at the far side of the meadow. I flew ahead and put myself further back in the cavern to witness what they would do next.

The four approached a young colt sleeping on a flat rock just inside the entrance. He had a white coat like his sister and a dull blue mane. Curiously, the number “4” was his cutie mark.

Rainbow Dash walked up to him. “Hey, kid!” No response except another snore. She poked him with the nock of an arrow. “Hey, Shrimp! Wake up! Your sis wants to see you.”

The foal woke up with a huge yawn. He blinked a few times and focused on Rainbow’s face. “OK, I guess so. Don’t know why she sent you guys. I always sleep up here in the afternoons.” He hopped down off of the rock and galloped out of the cave and in the direction of the tavern.

Big Mac said, “What did he just say?”

Spike said, “Who cares? All I care about is who’s buying!”

They hurried down the mountainside as I flew ahead of them. I got to the tavern in plenty of time and tapped my right pastern twice to resume the “Scrambled Egg” persona. I put on my brightest smile as I waited for them to arrive. When they did so, they ignored me and headed for the entrance to the drinking establishment.

Oops. Forgot something. Might as well use it to my advantage. Just before they reached the door, I tapped my left pastern twice and called out, “Hello there! From your smiles, I take it you were successful in vanquishing the monsters.”

They all stopped and turned, though Rainbow Dash reflexively cocked an arrow and pointed it my way before lowering her bow.

“Indeed,” said Discord. “The Invincible Blueberry Waffle came through to grant myself and by extension our party the luck rolls to vanquish our foes.” Only now did I notice that his robe was more blue than purple.

“What happened to being a Crackerovian?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Discord waved his paw dismissively. “No help to us whatsoever. A complete washout of an almighty being, that one. I was most likely the last of his/her/their/its adherents anyway. Besides, I’m not allergic to blueberries, so why not?”

I got their attention again. “I take it the weapons performed satisfactorily?”

“Maybe,” said Big Mac. “Except whenever I scored a hit anywhere that wasn’t a weak spot, I’d swear the damage was the same as when we didn’t have your enchantment. And what happened to your moustache?”

“Very perceptive of you... uh... on both counts.” I had no idea why my moustache had stayed on my Marklestia form. Maybe the world was glitching out more and more. Regardless, I waved my wand and the golden glow winked out on all four weapons. “Instead of counting on the crutch of improved weapons, you four relied on three much more powerful sources of magic: Communication, Observation, and Teamwork. Armed with these, you make a capable and powerful force.”

After a pause, Spike said, “I… guess we did learn all three of those. Even if we didn’t realize it at the time.”

Discord said, “And, unlike the cheap and tawdry enchantment this fraud put on our weapons, the bonuses we get will indeed be permanent.” I frowned but didn’t say anything.

Big Mac rubbed his chin. “Actually, I kind of like being a spell-caster. Me having some sort of ranged weapon from now on would help the party and be more fun.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I don’t know. We were already pretty awesome.” At a glare from the other three, she said, “But I guess being more awesome doesn’t hurt.”

Spike waved everyone quiet. “Gentlebeings. I recommend we retire to Berry Punch’s bar, where a certain Dungeon Master will be picking up the tab for the evening.”

Rainbow Dash grinned wickedly and went to Big Mac’s saddlebags. She pulled out the much-worse-for-wear but still recognizable plush toy of Prince Mark in a wedding dress. Scorch marks and oil obscured its features and one leg was gone, along with about two-thirds of the fabric. The pegasus said “Tonight we’ll toast our patron as loudly as we can for each round of drinks, just so no pony in the bar has any doubt about who’s really buying.”

I face-hooved. “I should never have put that joke in the module.” With that, I figured the adventure was truly over. I sighed and looked up, changing into my pink-maned Marklestia form. “Ah well. You all definitely deserve it. Let’s head out to Berry Punch’s tavern. First round is a toast to Discord for making all of this possible. Drinks are on me!”

That got full-throated cheers from everyone and Discord got congratulatory slaps on the legs rather than the back on account of his height. All of the clothing and gear disappeared along with the surroundings. Once again, we were standing in the Map Room.

As we trotted towards the entrance to the castle. I levitated my saddlebags from where they were resting against a wall. I turned to Discord, “Oh, and would you mind getting rid of the handlebar moustache now?”

Discord grinned. “Why, yes, I would mind. Thank you for asking. I think it makes you look more… distinguished.”

“You mean ‘ridiculous’.”

“Exactly! It’s quite a good look for you.”

I shook my head. It wasn’t even 10 PM and this had all the hallmarks of a long and memorable night that my ego would not survive.


My Marklestia form had one other great advantage – I could drink most ponies under the table. Extra body mass comes in handy sometimes. I wonder if Celestia counted that among her diplomatic tools? Out-drinking a griffon always impresses them. I know because there was one at the bar that night. Don’t remember his name… okay, maybe I was a teensy bit inebriated. However, between my pegacorn body’s extra capacity for alcohol and keeping up the salty snacks, I was saved from a raging hangover in the morning. Pity it didn’t do the same for the tongue-lashing Trixie gave me for crawling into our bed at 2:00 AM. She was more annoyed about the moustache though – said it turned her off. I suppose it’s a little hard to be amorous when a big handlebar ’tash is tickling places you don’t want tickled.

Anyhow, I was able to get up at a reasonable time of the morning and prepare for the day’s special event. Thankfully, the unwanted lip hair disappeared in my sleep (knowing Discord, only to reappear later at a more inconvenient time) because the first stop was Rarity’s boutique where she was going to do some final fittings for her latest creations in preparation for the fashion parade later. Trixie accompanied me there to pick up her special commission. The two unicorns went into the fitting room without me, but I did hear some muffled delighted squeals. That got me burning with curiosity but I manfully refrained from sticking my nose in. My wife would probably move my bed to the dungeon if I spoiled her surprise.

The fashion parade was scheduled for straight after lunch which all the invited guests attended. While Fleur de Lis was very busy now that she was back into her modelling full time, she made sure to come to my and Rarity’s show, along with her husband, Fancy Pants. I debated whether I should mention that in an alternate world, a changeling queen had her name and was married to that stallion. I’m not sure how that worked out even when dealing with weird probabilities. Perhaps the changeling had taken the original’s place after an accident? I’d have to ask sometime when Twilight paid another visit to the House Path world. She loved picking up bits of odd trivia like that, which is how I had come to know about it. Not that she should have blabbed it to me because it was a secret still, but they knew mine, so I suppose it balanced out.

Everypony who knew my secret outside of Ponyville (excluding certain Royal Guards, Shining, and Cadance) was in attendance for the Spring Fashion Fest, as Rarity called it. It had the usual array of formal, casual, and sensual items which I displayed with the greatest professionalism. With Fleur watching, I felt like I was being judged, but I didn’t let that get in the way of enjoying showing off the outfits. Rarity and I did this because we both got a kick out of it. If it ever became a chore or a job, I’d quit it immediately. I was in it for the fun and the comments of the audience afterwards.

Maybe it was a mistake letting Penny watch the show though. Trixie had been right back when the bat-pony had applied for the bodyguard job that her being a lesbian didn’t stop her from being potential competition. That mare was practically drooling over some of the outfits and the pony wearing them! I suppose self-preservation saved Penny from doing anything after the show. Trixie might have been prepared to share her stallion with a mare like Rarity, but the wisecracking thestral didn’t stand a chance.

I found out that Fleur wasn’t there merely to watch me though. As a favor for what we had done for her, the fashion model had agreed to strut down the catwalk in some outfits that Rarity had designed with Fleur specifically in mind. I got to sit back and watch for a change after I had dressed in my favorite black imitation leather outfit. I made sure to seat myself between Trixie and Fancy Pants although I swear I could still feel Penny staring lustfully at me from behind.

The Spring Fashion Fest was quite a success. We wrapped it up with a light afternoon tea after which Fancy and Fleur had to depart. As for me, this was my afternoon with the Ponyville citizens. I spent a couple of hours just wandering around the town meeting and chatting with friends and acquaintances. While the Flower Sisters weren’t trading that afternoon, I did bump into Roseluck who gifted me her namesake.

“A beautiful flower for the most beautiful princess,” she said with a huge smile.

I couldn’t even argue with her calling me that anymore because I really was royalty now and in my pegacorn form. I accepted the flower and the compliment with as much grace as I could summon, only slightly marred by the snicker that I heard from my personal guardian.

I got back to the castle in time to freshen up before heading to the station for the journey back to Canterlot. I switched back to my normal stallion form, retiring Marklestia for the weekend before we bade farewell to our friends. Then Twilight, Trixie, and I departed with our retinues.

When we got back to Canterlot Castle, Trixie and I parted ways at the door of her suite.

“Be back in half an hour,” she said as she gave me a peck on the cheek.

“By your command, my Princess.”

I headed to my room where Steady Flight and I unpacked the latest additions to Marklestia’s wardrobe and carefully put them away. I hoped that the new suite that was being built for the two of us would be ready soon because I was rapidly running out of rack space. That was not a common problem for a stallion but my requirements were far from normal. After thirty minutes had passed, I dismissed Steady for the night and made my way back to Trixie’s room. The Royal Guards on duty nodded and one said, “Her Royal Highness wishes me to inform you that she’s ready. You may go right in.”

“Thank you, Sterling Shield. Aren’t you supposed to be off-duty now?”

He gave me a slight smile. “I am exactly where I need to be right now, sir.”

I was about to argue before I got a clue. “Very well. Carry on.” I then opened the door to the suite and firmly closed it behind me before heading to the bedroom.

“Honey, I’m home!” I called out as I entered Trixie’s boudoir, and then I froze.

My wife was waiting for me by the bed and she had dressed for the occasion. Her body was facing away from me but she had her head turned to look back with a smoldering gaze. Her muzzle was covered by a sheer veil that did nothing to conceal the coy smile underneath. She wore lavender stockings with gold slippers and a fancier version of her normal cape. Then her bejeweled horn lit up to pull the cape aside to reveal the lacy lingerie and other adornments highlighting her buxom booty. She swished her tail enticingly and I gulped, my mouth suddenly dry.

“Who wears this best, Dowser? Trixie or Marklestia?” she asked in a sultry tone.

I swallowed and croaked, “No contest, Lulu.”

She turned and sauntered over to me, rubbing up against my right side and then turning to nuzzle me as she came back down my left, neatly dodging my wings as they sprang out rigidly of their own accord. “Right answer, husband. Care to take a closer look, stud?” she said as she sashayed over to the bed.

Thank you, Rarity,’ I thought as I sprang to do my wife’s bidding. It was times like these that I was very happy to be a stallion and I was about to get a whole lot happier.

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Author's Note:

Art by Longinius.

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