Chapter 4 - First Impressions
A shaft of sunlight speared my eyes and I groaned in frustration at being woken from a sound sleep. “Who the hell opened the curtains?” I grumbled as I turned away from the offending radiance.
“That would be me, sir,” came an unexpected voice from beside the bed.
Suddenly, I was wide awake and I shot upright. There was a dark blue pegasus stallion with a white and light blue-striped mane standing there, dressed in a white shirt, black bow tie, and a grey coat with tails. He looked exactly as comfortable as I would be if I was stuffed into a formal outfit like that. I was strictly a casual dresser – I hadn’t worn a shirt with a tie since my job interview years ago. I frowned at him. “Who are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
“My name is Steady Flight, and I am your… butler, milord.”
I noticed the hesitation but I was more stunned by the answer. “Butler? Whose idea was that?”
“Princess Trixie’s, actually. You required a personal servant and I was selected to help you overcome your handicap.”
Alarm bells went off in my head. “What handicap?” I asked cautiously.
“The Great and Compassionate Trixie has informed me about how a severe allergic reaction sent you into a coma and when you finally awoke, your memory had been badly affected. Now you can’t recall your past and even need to re-learn how to fly.”
I stared at the stallion for a long moment in disbelief. Was that the best that crazy mare could come up with? Now I was going to have to play along as some sort of retarded idiot. I groaned and face-hoofed. OW! I had to learn not to do that too. For better or for worse, I now had to play along with the cover story. “Oh, that. Right. Still having trouble.” Then a thought occurred to me and my eyes narrowed. “What did our gracious monarch say that my name was?”
“Lord Shark Sells, sir.”
Called it! “Her Highness… misspoke. My name is Mark Wells. It’s one of the few things that my memory still recalls perfectly. I would appreciate it if you remember that.”
“Of course, sir. Would you care to get dressed now?”
“Shower first. Wait! Get dressed? You brought me clothes?”
“Yes, milord. Her Highness instructed that I bring you clothing suited to your station.”
Oh yeah – that Grand Vizier thing. Curiosity won out. “Let me see what you brought. And knock off that ‘milord’ stuff – it sounds too stuffy. Just ‘sir’ will do.”
“Very good, sir.”
I wasn’t sure, but I think he sounded a little relieved. He moved over to the nearby dresser where a pile of clothes that were not there last night lay waiting. He first held up a white shirt with ruffles. My nose wrinkled in distaste but it was nothing in comparison to the horror that he held up next. It was some sort of fancy red velvet coat with yards of lace and gold braid, plus oodles of shiny brass buttons.
“Who chose that tacky monstrosity?” I asked, aghast at the very thought of wearing it.
“Duchess Trixie selected it personally, I believe.”
What did she think I was, a stage assistant for her magic act designed to distract the audience with my garish looks? “Take those away and get rid of them. Burn them, preferably. While I’m showering, find me something decent to wear. Keep it simple and tasteful.” I particularly emphasized the last word.
“With pleasure, sir.”
“Good man… er… stallion.”
I slid out of bed and made my way over to the bathroom. I found it was well-stocked with shampoo and conditioner, which I suppose was virtually essential for any well-groomed pony, especially one that was supposed to be as important as me. Thanks to a long-handled scrubbing brush and my newly acquired magically magnetic hooves (that somehow worked on wood), I had a long and satisfying shower. Drying myself off was trickier, but there were plenty of towels to accomplish this task. I eyed the mirror suspiciously for a moment before deciding that it was unlikely that someone was going to put a door to another world in their bathroom. I regarded my appearance in the mirror and realized that I was going to need a damn good grooming. I missed my nice smooth, nearly hairless skin. And I still thought green looked silly, but after seeing the multitude of colors that these ponies came in, I realized that it could have been worse.
I found Steady Flight waiting for me impatiently. Perhaps he hadn’t meant to be seen like that, but I think I caught him by surprise after dawdling in the bathroom for so long. Rather amateurish of him, I reckoned. Not that I’d had much experience with butlers outside of the movies; I wasn’t that rich. He had put the new clothes on the bed and I checked them over. Simple off-white business shirt – not my favorite but I could deal with that. Dark grey business jacket – I suppose I had to at least look acceptable to the court. Steady had retained the bow tie, and after some thought, I agreed with his choice. A regular tie would just get in the way a lot. There was still something missing though.
“Aren’t there any pants?”
Steady Flight raised one confused eyebrow. “Pants, sir? I was not aware that you were into that fad.”
Pants were a fad? I sighed. “Got to show off my breeding potential, right?”
“I wouldn’t have put it quite that way, but yes.”
“Even if it’s a distraction to the mares?”
“That’s what the shirt and jacket are for, sir,” he replied as if explaining the obvious to a slow child. “They draw the eye and indicate refinement. Or at least that’s what I’m told.”
While he had mumbled the last bit, I still caught what he said with these large mobile ears that I now possessed. The stallion seemed even less of a house servant than I was. Buttling was supposed to be a highly professional career, but he was acting more like someone stuck with a job that he had little idea – or desire – to perform… Someone…? She didn’t, did she?
“Steady – what do you do for a job?” I asked casually.
“I’m a Royal Courier–” He slapped a hoof over his mouth.
“Too late. Let me guess – the Powerful and Annoying Trixie conscripted you because she needed a pegasus to teach me to fly. Again,” I added hastily.
Steady Flight was silent for a long moment before he nodded. “Yes, sir.”
I put an arm (yes, I know it’s a foreleg – humor me!) around his shoulders and said, “Looks like we’re both in a situation that we don’t want. I’ll make you a deal – I’ll treat you like one of the guys while you’re stuck with this job, and you do the same for me. Okay with you?”
“Works for me, sir.”
“The name’s Mark, Steady.”
“Okay, Mark, but I don’t want to get into the habit of using your name. I might blurt it out accidentally in front of someone important.”
“Fair enough. Anyway, I suppose I had better get dressed. I could do with some help, and you probably need to get some practice pretending to be my personal butler.”
“I can do that, but would you like your coat groomed and your mane and tail combed first?”
“Oops! That would probably be a good idea. You do know how to do that at least, I hope?”
“Of course! Wow – you really don’t remember anything, do you?”
“It’s like I’m from a whole other world sometimes,” I replied.
With the artificial formality set aside, Steady Flight proved to be quite a companionable stallion and very helpful for someone like me who didn’t know the first thing about pony personal care. And I admit the brushing was not a little pleasurable. We chatted a bit and I regretted that I had to maintain the fiction that I was an amnesiac. I would have liked to have talked about my world with someone who wasn’t a self-absorbed smart-ass mare.
After a quick preening of my wing feathers (which was novel to say the least), Steady eventually declared that the grooming was sufficient and he helped me get dressed. I observed the results in the mirror and nodded in satisfaction. I could tolerate this for the time being. I turned to Steady and asked, “What now?”
“You have time to have breakfast before Empress Trixie’s court starts. I’ll accompany you to the dining room and inform the chef that you are ready to eat.”
I headed for the door. “Will Trixie be there?”
As we exited, Steady replied, “My apologies, but I do not know Her Magnificence’s schedule, Lord Wells.”
Damn. Back in public and Steady’s back to being a stiff. Can’t blame the guy, I suppose. We trotted to the same dining room where I’d had dinner last night and found it empty, much to my relief. I wanted to get this day off to a better start than yesterday and I wasn’t ready to deal with the Great and Snarky Trixie yet. Steady informed the chef that I was ready to dine and I was able to order a stack of pancakes with fruit compote and whipped cream, two eggs on wheat toast, and a large mug of coffee. I don’t know how they had coffee in another universe, but I was deeply thankful that they did. I had a feeling that I was going to be needing it a lot.
I was sipping the last of the fine brew when Steady returned to inform me that I was expected in the throne room immediately. I sighed and nodded. Show time!
I had expected to see just Trixie and perhaps a couple of guards. Instead, there was a large gathering of ponies, mostly unicorns, all expensively dressed, lined up in front of the throne. Steady halted at the entrance while I nervously proceeded inside. I walked along the carpet that led to the throne which was the only clear path through the gathering of what I presumed were the nobles. Halting at the foot of the dais, I bowed extravagantly.
“I, Lord Mark Wells, am here by your command, your majesty.”
There – that pre-empted Trixie from mangling my name in front of everyone.
“Welcome to the court of the Grand and Mighty Trixie, Lord Sells.”
I rolled my eyes. Spoke too soon.
Trixie turned her attention to the gathered nobles. “Let it be known that the Wise and Learned Trixie has chosen Lord Dark Cells as Grand Vizier of the Canterlot Court. He shall be lending his unique perspective to aid in your Queen’s decisions and will speak with my authority.” She levitated a medallion hanging from a blue silk ribbon down to me and slipped it over my head. “Welcome your new Grand Vizier,” she proclaimed proudly.
There came nothing but muttering among the nobles.
Trixie stood up, stamped her forehoof on the dais and raised her false wings. “Your High Queen commands the Parliament of Nobles to welcome Lord Shells as the Grand Vizier of Equestria!”
There was some token applause sufficient to appease Trixie and she refolded her wings then sat down on the throne. “The Great and Astute Trixie recommends that the nobles get to know your new Grand Vizier.” She then turned her attention to buffing a forehoof with her cape.
I faced the nobles with some trepidation. They knew what the real circumstances of Trixie’s ascension to the throne were but they also knew that they needed her as a figurehead while they did most of the real work. The trouble with that arrangement was that all the citizens plus the nobles not in this select group were going to obey her over the authority of these nobles who were running things in the background, which meant that Trixie had quite a lot of real power, and she knew it. There was a delicate balance between her and them, and I had just been thrown into the situation to upset it. This was not going to be fun. Nevertheless, if for no other reason than not getting defenestrated before learning how to fly, I was going to do my best to support Trixie and for this fantasy land.
I bowed to the nobles – might as well make a good first impression. “I bid you greeting, my lords and ladies. I hope that we can work together well for the benefit of all Equestria.”
First mistake. I realized belatedly that the typical noble was more interested in what was good for themselves first and Equestria second. Therefore, they immediately regarded me as an attempt by Trixie to change that situation. Nevertheless, they kept up an appearance of decorum and started introducing themselves. After a lengthy string of backhanded compliments and digs at the validity of my appointment, I was just about ready to strangle half of them. The pompous unicorn Lord High Station was getting on my last nerve, particularly.
“Who are you exactly? Why haven’t I seen you before, Grand Vizier Mark Wells? Why should I not believe you are actually a changeling here to cast your terrible mind control magic on our Beloved and Wise Empress Trixie the First? You are a threat to Equestria that must be dealt with post haste.” His horn began to glow.
I smiled disarmingly. “Very good questions! But would a changeling do this?” I then verified that my skull was just as thick as it had been as a human and that a vicious head butt is almost always an effective way to end an argument.
Lord Fancy Pants looked down at the indisposed and barely-conscious noble, taking the time to sip his cocktail. “I’m inclined to agree with the Grand Vizier – changelings are much more subtle in their ways.”
I was very glad to hear the wry sense of humor in his voice. It seemed that at least one noble wasn’t talking disapprovingly to my face. I’d have to ask Trixie what the hell a changeling was later, but for now, I seem to have put that notion to rest. “My lords, while a lot of my past is a mystery due to my amnesia, there are certain aspects that I do still recall with great clarity. One of them is to deal directly and effectively with a problem without delay. If anyone else would care to dispute my legitimacy, please feel free to step forward now.”
It came as no surprise that no one took up my offer. People… and even ponies in this case… who relied on political machinations rarely had the stomach for more physical battles. However, I had established that I wasn’t about to be pushed around and now everyone was on record as tacitly agreeing with my appointment. I’d have to be on my toes… hooves… tippy-hooves? …and watch out for the more insidious attacks though.
“Attend us, Grand Vizier!” Trixie called imperiously.
I climbed up on the dais and stood beside Trixie’s throne, projecting what I hoped looked like quiet dignity.
Trixie then said, “This meeting of the Parliament of Nobles is now ended and you are dismissed. The Dutiful and Sagacious Trixie must begin Day Court soon and attend to the needs of her subjects.”
The nobles made curt bows and filed out of the throne room. When the last of them had left and the Royal Guards had closed the doors behind them, I turned to glare at Trixie.
“Thanks a lot for throwing me into the lions’ den!”
She just gave me that infuriating smug grin of hers. “I do not see what the problem was, Quark Tells. You seem to have handled the nobles with great efficacy.”
“Yeah, and most of them are already sharpening their knives.”
“They only care that their status and power are retained; if you do your job well, you can keep them happy and serve Equestria at the same time.”
“Not to mention keeping your royal ass safe, right?”
“The Forgiving and Gentle Trixie does not have a donkey retainer, merely yourself. If you wish to be referred to as ‘Your Royal Ass,’ Trixie will permit this. However, Trixie believes you might mean keeping my position safe. That would seem to be an agreeable side benefit,” she replied smugly.
I sighed and gave up. I was curious about my badge of office though – it seemed awfully light for a medallion. I lifted it with my hoof to take a good look at it. It was gold in color and had Trixie’s cutie mark upon it, but when I looked on the back, I discovered it was actually made of painted cardboard with the words: “One night only at the Trottingham Fairgrounds, Foals’ Stage.”
With a snicker, I showed the back to Trixie. She blanched, snatched it off my neck, and ran behind the throne. Curiously, I peered around the royal chair and saw a concealed doorway ajar. I waited a minute then followed into the maze of corridors that all looked the same to me. With the help of one of the guards, I headed towards Trixie’s private chambers. It was then that Trixie returned, triumphantly showing that the medallion now possessed her cutie mark on both sides. “Please add this to the list of things never to bring up again, Hark Hells.”
After her magic levitated the ribbon back around my neck and released it, I immediately noticed how heavy the medallion now felt. I picked up the disk with one hoof and tapped it hard with the other. It gave a metallic ‘clunk’ and, examining the edge, I did not see any damage. I looked up at Trixie. “Did you really use your magic to turn it to gold?”
Her smile grew wide. “You are welcome to believe that.”
I gave her the stink eye. “However...”
“However, the Efficient and Brilliant Trixie finds it much easier to add weight and permanence spells to produce the same effect.”
I lowered my hoof and let my new badge of office swing. I smiled devilishly. “I will think of it as representing everything that you are.”
Trixie’s smile brightened for a moment, then faltered as her brow furrowed. She glared at me and then suddenly focused on my nose for some reason. “Look out!”
“What?” I asked before she zapped my muzzle with her magic. “Ow! That stung!”
“You are most fortunate, Aardvark Smells, that the Quick and Considerate Trixie was able to slay that pesky fly with just one blow!”
I groaned and gave her a glare. “I thought you said yesterday that there were wards on the castle to keep flies out?”
The mare nodded in what was almost a sympathetic manner. “Yes, a most persistent pest indeed to get this far into the castle.” She moved up very close to my muzzle. “We will have to try to be more careful in the future.”
I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they were going to come out of their sockets. “The Wise and Totally-Not-Fooling-Anyone Trixie is correct, as always.”
She blinked and turned around with a smile. “And don’t you forget it! Now stop dallying – the Great and Punctual Trixie needs to open Day Court.”
I snorted and moved up beside her. Was I going to stand for this treatment? Certainly not! I swatted her rump with my tail and she let out a rather adorable ‘Meep!” sound. She turned to me with wide, I-can’t-believe-that-you-did-that eyes.
I grinned. “For a moment, I thought I saw that fly again. Looks like I was mistaken.”
Surprisingly, she just faced forward and chose not to say anything. It was a bit odd how her eyes were still wide and I now noticed that her cheek was a shade of pink.
I just didn’t get it. I’ll never understand girls no matter what the dimension.
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I'm waiting for Hell's Bells to come up.
At this point the only time she will say is name right is when he has made her very angry.
And he be like. 'what did she call me?'
Oh he delas with tedious arguments the same way Krogans (and occassionally Commander Shepard) does
And as always, Fancy Pants continues to be the best noble
Let's just say that what you just did has some... implications
When the heck is Trixie gonna bite the bullet and call Twilight over? Those mirrors won't fix themselves.
...
...They won't, right?
Oh my stars it has begun. Its turning into a shipping fic EVERYBODY HEAD FOR THE HILLS
I'm getting a Dragon Age Awakening vibe here.
https://m.9105123
Well if you insist... Here ya go.
And may I say, you've excellent taste in music.
9105499
no thinking more Vegeta's theme
Pet peeve. A butler is a servant of the household. A personal servant is a valet. It is possible for one person to fill both roles, but that's something that happens in small households and not palaces.
I'm not sure if this is a mistake by the author or the character. Could go either way.
hehe
Cool story so far.
I’m really, really looking forward to the flight lessons chapters.
9105873
Sorry - I can't know everything. I have just added that to my list of trivial facts and I'll change Steady's job to valet.
9106516
Don't mind me, there's a reason for this username.
It is perfectly justifiable to say that the character doesn't know the difference. You do explicitly state that Steady was just thrown into the job with no training or experience.
9105123
i am wondering just how long it will be before he starts saying the small and week drixey, after all he just killed that pesky fly that was sitting on drixeys rump.
this story is going to be a blast watching how Trixie and Mark play off each other.
the best way to put a noble in his place knock his stuck up ass out.
9106635
It's a matter of if.....But went. At least he doesn't have to learn the FUNdamentals.
9106715
FUNdamentals.
o the fun of FUNdamentals.
9106857
9105873
It works even better if it was Trixie's mistake!
1--And I should hope that Steady Flight quick witted enough to insist on receiving a butler's pay when he was assigned this job. I'm sure it would be higher than either a courier or a valet's.
I wonder why this didn't show up in my Feed. I'm following Goldfur. Eh, on the plus side, now I have stuff to catch up on reading.
I bet trixie could eventually call him Hank Hill. He would be really confused about tnat one.
I really like this story so far, I look forward to seeing more!
The real question in all of this is what is it that Lord Shark sells?
I must ponder this...
Such as when they all gather, undisguised, in a huge swarm over Canterlot and break a shield by repeatedly slamming themselves bodily into it after their Queen has for some inexplicable reason decided the best way to conquer Canterlot is to go through a wedding ceremony.
Can't go wrong with a headbutt!
i smell a ship. i shall prep some sails for when it is ready.
Ah, accidentally flirting. Culture shock!
9111491
Jumps and jumping accessories, the more ridiculous the better.
9111504
Careful there!! You might end up hurting yourself with all the sarcasm! it's really sharp! =P
That scene at the end...yeah, they're totally gonna end up hooking up, aren't they? Especially after Trixie sent Mark clothes that still don't hide his bottom
Somehow, I think Steady Flight and Mark will become total bros.
9105297
but, Canterlot is the hills. we should head for the farm instead. Big Mac is always a good stallion to have standing with you against the storm.
Sweet Celestia they're flirting!
9259046
And he doesn't realize it, that's the best part.
Headbutt for the victory
Still one of the most remembering worth chapters. Funny hes putting the moves on her unknowing to him
You have quite quickly created one of my favorite versions of Trix.
10226112
I'm inclined to agree. Just started this, certainly got a ways to go, but this Trixie is growing on me.
10226112
This is indeed 1 of the 3 best Trixie version of Fimfictions. 4 if you like juicy storys with characterbuilding.
10258899
What are the others, you have me intrigued
10365698
Hi. I totaly forget to answer you:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/129875/five-score-a-new-hive
Sorry the other two got deleted. I guess user account was deleted for inactivity?
10365698
Found em!
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/12350/griffin-the-griffin
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/59466/falling-feathers
First part and sequel. Trixie is quite heroic later on.
The guy is winning trust points at cosmic rate.
I absolutely love the chemistry these two have! :D
One of his finest chapters. Always a pleasure re-reading
Aight, fuck this. I'm out.
I never thought I’d see the word ‘defenestrated’ used for its actual meaning in a fic before
I gotta say this is interesting. Trixie ruling Equestria is already in itself a fic that can probably stand on it's own if done right. But throwing in an SI-OC on top of that? Curious to see where this goes.
Finally a fic with Trixie as best pony like in canon without the extra context MLP Time Loops Trixie has.
Explosions Trixie is great and all but I will always love normal canon Trixie.
Side note: I wonder why there isn't a romance tag, I can already feel the setup and chemistry.
11671239
There's no Romance tag because... I forgot.
Besides, there's a limit to the number of genre tags.