Ever Free Online is a global MMORPG that has caught the attention of every young pony in Equestia. It goes without saying that Button Mash, the youngest and most enthusiastic gamer in Ponyville, was front in line to purchase the game.
Button Mash seems very interested and absorbed by the game. To the point that he begins spending less and less time with Sweetie Belle. She wants to know what is so special, so entertaining about Ever Free Online and decides to sign up herself. The only problem is, she doesn't want Button to know she's playing.
Chapters (2)
This looks pretty interesting! I'm always interested in SAO stories like this since they don't usually skip months ahead at a time like the anime.
The only advice I have is that the beginning paragraphs seem pretty big. Maybe try to separate them onto different lines so they don't seem so unfriendly to read, if that makes sense. The pacing itself doesn't seem too bad though!
Good luck with the story!
A good starting point of the story and a small hook at the end gives the chapter a pleasant touch to entice your viewers to keep reading. I know I will be. There are just a few things I need to point out:
I would say that there is a lot of dialogue in this first chapter, suggesting that it could use a toning down for future chapters. This can be improved through detailed description rather than analysing it through words, losing the opportunity to show detail. Parts such as the end, I thought were too long with dialogue, maybe you could have explained a bit on what they were wearing or what remained in their palms.
Another is slight grammar mistakes hidden in the chapter. There were only minor issues with grammar, must have been skimmed over but I don't mind that much. Just keep checking continuously to achieve the best for your writing.
Overall, this story has potential but I'm wondering on how it's going to end.
-Mr.User
9225198
Where is the grammar error
9234376
There should be a comma before quotations are made. This is found the example below as well as a non reoccurring error I picked up on. If in a quote, someone wants someone else to say something to someone like:
(How to improve statements)
...brought to the new reporter, "That's quite a determined statement coming from such as young colt. Tell me son, is there anypony in particular out there you'd like to say 'hi' to?"
Refer to the changes from here and your original. Hopefully, this has helped.
-Mr.User
maybe mech eddy as a background character
This got me hooked!
or get hooked as much as sweetie when she play the game.
please make more
you got a like
and a fave
thank you for reading this.
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Thanks for the love
9484371
Is it odd that the first thought in my head was Ready Player One upon seeing the description?
Yay, this story’s finally back!
I honestly thought this was going to be an SAO death game type fic. kinda glad you didnt go down that route. I was honestly looking forward to seeing how that situation would go down; but at the same time this changes it up and makes it more original. cant wait to see how you build the characters and game world.
this would be a lovely campaign beginning for a game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpx5u1Ua-ZM. gonna wait even till society collapse on us