• Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

LegionofPony


I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.

Comments ( 51 )

Great job my friend. I've been waiting for this sequel. Keep up the great work and I cant wait for more.

9285816
Thanks, happy you've enjoyed it so far!

Oh nice, a sequel to one of my favorite stories! Definitely going to track this one!

9293013
Happy to hear you loved the original, hope you're liking this one too!

"I agree with Amaya, there's a reason why we asked you to go discuss this. I wouldn't want us or our kids getting hurt just cuz they were born to two guards and the princess they fell in love with, or any of us for that matter either." Twilight said, prompting another sigh from Bade.

Just hadda stop to point this out, since Twilight was talking in the paragraph above, and this sounds more like Amaya..... ?

9293307
Chapter 5´s title number is wrong. Just letting you know.

i never thought we would get 2 chapter 4s

Great job my friend. Looking forward to the next chapter

9299088

Thanks for the feedback...donno why I wrote that that way. Fixed.


9299369

9299497

Fixed, thanks.

9299779 Thanks. It'll probably be up tomorrow, cuz stuff came up today.

"Great! She'll be here at eight and will probably be spending the night."

Continuity error, last chapter had Six.

Moondancer eventually broke it, her tears stopped and her now feeling more confident than ever. "Thank you Twilight," Amaya started,

Did you mean Moon here?

"Wait...yeah! I bet I could trace her magic signature when she cast that spell and reverse the polarity of it to instigate a Neighton reaction that would—"

NERD!!!!!!!

9301965
Well yeah, this is Twilight we're talking about here.

I noticed Moondancer turns into Amaya a few times.....

Great update my friend. Cant wait for more

9394336
Would you mind pointing out where? Dealing with four characters can get confusing sometimes.

9394422
Thanks, glad you liked it.

9395365

"I...I don't know about that," Amaya said simply, just getting a nod from Twilight.
something snapped in her. Amaya felt the burning
"Here," Amaya said, pressing a hoof to the back of Moon's head and slowly pushing her muzzle closer, Amaya's nostrils flaring
. Amaya was practically coated by the time Bade finally came down, her face, glasses,

These are the 4 I noticed when I gave it another looksee

Huh. Its rare for this kind of story to have children. Not too bad, although I'd say there was a little too much exposition. I'd have preferred to start off with a day in their lives and then gradually introduce the world around them.

Does the previous story also have m/f femdom in it?

Great update my friend. Cant wait for more

You've got a few places where you mixed up Amaya and Moondancer:

As Amaya did look over, seeing Bade pushing his hips forwards and watching his flare pop inside Twilight's pussy, she couldn't help but feel jealous; jealous of Bade for taking Twilight in such a way, a mare she wanted all for herself, and jealous of Twilight for getting to feel his big, thick cock inside her in a way Moon was yet to feel. She watched as Twilight's fertile marehood swallowed inch after inch of it until their crotches met, Bade's stifles encasing Twilight's as he clearly hilted in her. "Wow, she took it all, just like you did..." Amaya said, clearly awed.

"You know, you should totally go get a better look from behind them," Amaya said when she noticed Amaya struggling to get a good angle, "I got to see when Twilight was given a foal from the inside with one of Twilight's spells. Let me tell you, that still gives me wet dreams sometimes!" Amaya grinned, "I'm sure it'll be a pretty happy memory for you too. I promise they won't mind."

The last one is especially egregious, cumming coming as it does in the same sentence as an "Amaya said" tag.

The author’s alliterative antics are anteceded by arousing, alluring action and an anguished anticlimax. Aargh!

"fully ridged" should probably be "fully rigid".

Unf.


Great chapter! They're so cute when they're all together :twilightsmile:

Twilight pulling rank surprised me, didn't know she had it in her. Thinking about it, it makes sense for her to do so, especially as the Alpha made. I guess I didn't focus on politics before.

nice work on the chapters done so far:twilightsmile:

To summarize the chapter: Ponies are basically inebriated when in heat and are prone to rushed decisions.

Comment posted by pokemonfirer deleted Sep 24th, 2019

10029022

Glad you liked it! Last chapter should be up later today.

EDIT: Final chapter's up.

10030159
Donno if this story line will be continued at all, that'd be entirely up to the commissioner. At that, I have many stories I have in the backlog that I need to finish before I could even work on that if it was wanted.

If this is the last chapter, you might want to mark it as complete. Just sayin'. :twilightsmile:

Also, there are a few dangling partial italics tags lying about:

"i]Hah...so you like that, do you?" she asked despite knowing the answer, hot breaths washing over his muzzle after kissing him deeply for a couple minutes, "And how do you like my pussy, hmm? Still nice and warm and tight for you?"

"i]Shh, it's OK. Let it aaaaalll out inside me. We have all night to go again, and you'll last much longer the next time. But first...let this one out. Cum nice and deep inside me~..."

"i]Ooooh wow you filled me up so well. So much I'd definitely have your foal from such a lovely creampie if I were in heat..."

Dan

Even more than pre-alicorn Twilight, Moondancer-chan reminds me of myself.

I wish her all the love and joy.

10030759
Umm... the partial italics tags are still there, though. (Use Ctrl+F, then put "i]" - minus the quotes, of course - in the search box that pops up in your browser.)

In my previous comment, I also quoted where I found them for context.

10032718
Well, I did fix them on mobile, but I guess it didn't go through and I didn't check it after. This time they're fixed for sure! :twilightsmile:

10036288
Yep. The bugs got squished for sure, this time! :twilightsmile:

Though I think the first story was better, I'm glad to have seen this through to the end.

I'm a bit undecided on this one. By itself, it's not a bad story. It's actually rather good. But there is... something about it. Or perhaps something missing from it, compared to its predecessor? I don't really know. After about two thirds of the way through, it just didn't manage to hold my interest like the first story did. I did enjoy reading it though. And it was definitely worth reading. I have a feeling that it being a sequel also played into this undecidedness. I can't tell, because there is literally no way for me to un-read the prequel...

I don't like posting vague not-really-constructive-but-kind-of comments like this, I mean, if I said "I liked it overall but in particular I didn't like x because y" then at least there's something concrete that you can take away from it and improve upon in future stories, or just leave it at that because hey, we can't all have the same opinion anyway. Yet at the same time, not posting anything at all wouldn't really help anyone either.

If anything, people that enjoy your stories in general, and especially those who enjoy the predecessor of this one, should still absolutely give this a go.

10089498 Well, I'm glad you at least kind-of liked it, and that you did like the previous one. Also, thanks for leaving an actual review. I don't get those often, and it makes me happy when people think my work is worth taking a moment of their time to comment on and analyze a bit. That's my nerdy inner Twilight speaking I think... :twilightsmile:


I think what this story is missing is any true conflict that the original had in spades. I mean, sure, Moon is extremely hesitant to get into things, and she nearly calls it off a couple times, but once she does get into it nothing stops the good mood. When Bade cums in her, they're like 'Oh, OK, you can have his foal even if we didn't plan for it.' There's no real opposition to it like when Amaya slept with Twilight and the conflict that followed that, and when Bade was struggling with loving Twilight and Amaya both despite his 'one-mare-for-one-stallion' beliefs.


When they found out Moon does indeed get pregnant, they were just like 'Oh, and we'll bring you into the herd too. Let's date then get married! Then, months later, 'we're married and have foals now! Yay! Let's fuck!' I could have maybe had Amaya take issue with Moon getting something she viewed as hers (Bade's cum right after he creams her, or foal after learnign she was indeed pregnant) and make them have a heated discussion, ending in Amaya or Moon storming off. Eventually it would be resolved, but there could be more discussions among the others who stayed. Then the one who ran off could have reconciled and accepted the other, and admit there was a chance between them. Then all the fluff that was already there. Then too, that takes up a lot of words, and wasn't planned for by the commissioner.


Overall, I think I could have done better injecting a bit more of struggle for the characters in this story then I did (like above). I don't particularly like putting bad emotions in my stories, but I understand it adds more realism to the writing and makes it more interesting and suspenseful. I think that may be what this was missing for you from this story that the other had, and perhaps other readers feel the same too.


We can only learn and improve from our shortcomings. I'll try to do better in my future writing, as always.

10089591
Those conflict (or emotion?) examples you give definitely feel like they might indeed be it, especially as the story goes on. The examples from the prequel (and also the ones from the beginning of this one) immediately make me go "I've completely forgotten about that one (it's been quite a while since I've read it) but now that you mention it, yeah I do remember that and it was great," whereas the more recent ones are the ones that make me go "Wait, what?" It all just happens a bit too fast, too easy (ie, not enough conflict?) for my suspension of disbelief to keep up with.

I never really thought of them as bad emotions per se. Just emotions in general are a good thing, I think. It makes characters real, and all that.

Thanks for appreciating an honest review!

Alliteration is all of the amazingly all-inspired awesome. It even enhances and exceptionally enriches the experience!

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