• Member Since 25th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 27th, 2013

SinAries13


T

S'up, I'm Ray Henderson, well that's who I used to be called. Great family, great friends, but had a boring, dull life. That changed forever when I took the long train ride home from work one day. There just me and a strange man in white suit on the car that day, and he offered me the chance to go to Equestria. Would any brony turn down a chance to be able to go to Equestria? Heck no they wont, but now I regret the snarky answer I gave him. I hope I'm not biting more than I can chew. Set in the world of CGotG, created by Rust,and Expanded greatly by BlackWing and Others. Give a hoof to Avorin my Co-Author for making this story possible. Approved by Cloud_Surfer

An incomplete sea world WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, so stopby my account to pitch-in ideas of deep sea places that should be. Plz and thank you

Warning! Story Picture may change over time...

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 40 )

I like it but..... Slow and steady wins the thumbs.. Or atleast stashes in this case.

cant wait for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

First things first....
MOTHERFUUU-
YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME YOU RELEASED THE STORY!

Alright, that aside, I like it. A couple grammar mistakes, just capitalization, nothing major.

Before Troutking can greet you,
WELCOME TO THE GROUP (although you've been here a couple weeks)!
I am this group's Troutking replacement for this story!:trollestia:
I'm prepared for my trout-slapping now!

1071221
Oops! :twilightoops:
Sorry Buck! I got into the story with my Co-Author :twilightblush:
I'm getting busy with work and getting the story goin, but thanks welcomin me.

P.s. I hope you know what you're getting into with the trout-slapping :trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png Holy Hoof Grenade of Canterlot, Batmare. A story with a seapony main character. In the CGoG universe as well. I'll be watching this one.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_chair.png

I can't believe no-one thought of this already. Hats off to you sir! I'll be tracking this one.

I am liking this new underwater universe. And, since no-one else has explored the ocean floor, you get to build it as you please! Ace!

Looking forward to more. I did notice some minor errors in there, such as quotation marks and speech marks in the wrong places, and a capital letter on a random word in the middle of a sentence, but apart from that it seems to be okay. Keep on writing, mate!

I realise it would be more helpful if I actually told you where those errors were, huh? Gimme a minute.

“Wh-oa” gazing at the wondrous sight laid out before me. Missing a punctuation mark after the wh-oa

I gotta bad feeling about this but what choice do i have? Capitalise the second 'I'

I thought Examining my eyes closely. Unnecessary capitalisation of the E in examining

“Eeyup, I just did’ I thought. Uh...nothing, so where’s that HOME you was talking about earlier?” Please don’t ask again. Speech marks all over the place!

I groaned at the thought of it. ‘Okay think how dolphin’s do it' I began to move my tail in an up and down motion. No need for the apostrophe in dolphins

I was Glad my... Another unnecessary capitalisation

“But its the afternoon.”Said an unfamiliar voice. The "it's" should have an apostrophe here

She ha-dammit fins me the... I get what you're doing here, but it just reads weird. Maybe just stick to "gives"?

I couldn't see any more, but then again I didn't look for very long. Sorry if I'm coming across as abrasive, but I don't mean to cause any offence. I enjoyed your fic so far, but it was sort of let down by these silly, avoidable mistakes.

good I like this cant wait for the next chapter

About time someone took to the seas.
Also, I'll give you the standard 'get an editor' advice. Go here and pick one from the list, or just force a family member to read it at gunpoint get a friend of yours. It's readable, but the grammar (especially in the introduction) needs to be touched up.

1091048 Dang it all and blast! :pinkiegasp: Thank you this is what happens when I'm thinking of writing instead of editing. :derpyderp1::derpyderp2:
(And up at 3am. :ajsleepy: )


Will be fixed as soon as Sinaries13 gets here.

good again cant wait for the next

Handle his alternate personality carefully, such things are easy to fuck up.

good very good again cant wait for the next

:pinkiegasp:You're a Stockman/Courtesy Associate/Cart Pusher too? I work at a Wal Mart, pushing carts, so I know how much it can stink. I also know how frustrating it is when not enough people are scheduled to be out there.

So far, I like you're opening.:twilightsmile:

Interesting so far. I think that I missed Storm's introduction.
I look forward to the next chapter.

Is Storm like, Gaze's friend?
And is the entire group somewhat good friends? (Gaze, Storm, Dream)
Though I wonder what storms exist under the ocean. Spongebob physics?

HELL YEAH THIS STORY IS EPIC

I can picture them after post-Equestrian integration...at an underwater saloon:

"Next pony who says 'shoobee-doo' to me is going to get their air bubble collapsed!"


...but I suppose I should read this first.

I like the setting but frankly this split personality thing ruins it for me:applejackunsure:.

Ray swam along humming "shooby-doo" to himself, shadowed from the depths.

"The horned one knows the sacred song of the ancients! Again, it is the legend!"

"Aw, leave me alone you irritating gaggle of carp!"

1239511

It's an OK concept with a confusing execution. It's hard enough to keep track of his three new friends or even remember what color or even what kind of seapony they are without getting rapid fire dialog from the split personality as well. Seems like it was put together hastily.

1241430
I think it's one of the concepts that's very hard to pull off and it's very rare that I see it going right. The problem here is that it is not only a confusing execution, the other personality has nothing to say or contribute. I mean all he does is giving snarky comments and insults, he serves no real purpose besides being annoying.

1241430
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One. it is hard to think about what seaponies do in equestria(since they were only in G1[or in another season that I don't know of]) , but its even harder to give the places names, their locations, whats in their town/cities/ruins, And describe it ALL. emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/onion-head/sweating-onion-head-emoticon.gif?1292862522

And two, Altum does serve a purpose, but too bad I can't tell what though, or else it'll be a...SPOILER ALERT!!! emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/onion-head/shock1-onion-head-emoticon.gif?1292862518

P.s. This whole "Shoo Be Doo!" thing is giving me ideas...BUT THERE WILL BE NO SINGING THAT SONG IN THIS STORY! emoticoner.com/files/emoticons/onion-head/whaaat1-onion-head-emoticon.gif?1292862525

Okay as the note at the end say's I'm going through a rough spot and so I'm less likely then normal to catch any problems that may come out of the works so any feedback is most appreciated right now. :twilightsmile:

1244427
1244680

Just to make it clear, I'm not trying to be overly critical or say it's bad. It's just that the events and details are a tad hard for me to follow. It's like a model rocket operating on too many thrusters, weaving about randomly and being generally difficult to track. I just hope the parachute won't deploy sideways or upside-down.

Sheesh I was just askin: asking
I’m that gul: I'm not that
then i look at: “discipline”.: "discipline." (put the period inside)

Interesting concept with a seapony. But there are ton of gramatical errors; with missing commas, missplaced words, and missing words being predominant. I'd suggest getting an editor to proof read. Still planning on following for the sheer novelty of reading a seapony tale, your breaking new ground my friend.:twilightsmile:

1247142
thanks for pointing that out Apple :twilightsheepish:

1258462
Really? I didnt it was possible to break it. :twilightsmile: but its not easy though.

1244680 I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know you, but I just said a prayer for you and your family.

Interesting chapter.

I haven't read this yet, but I tell you what, though. You want a complete sea geography?

Aquamareine

Capital of the sea pony nation I have constructed.

Have at it.

A unicorn hippocampus? Isn't that a bit much even for the MLP verse? Or is he the 'Alicorn' for the Hippocampi since Alicorns embody all THREE tribes.

1426992
This is in the Chess verse, not MLP verse. And no it's not a bit much...well maybe for me, but not the Chess verse, no. He's just a regular unicorn seapony, if he was a Alicorn seapony, he would've been called Poseidon, ruler of the sea, but he's not.

THIS JUST HAPPENED:

Fudge Show of hands. Who all pronounces it "Zeb-rah" rather than "Zeebrah"?
Fudge Nobody? Congratulations. You all pass.
ZerkerKey I say sebrah
Fudge Seebrah?..... SEABRA?! Are there seabras?!
Proud-Dust_ SEABRA! SEA ZEBRAS!
Fudge I HAVE INVENTED A THING

1462834
Aiyaa! :raritydespair:

Put that info in COTG Sea Monster thread, and add a description of what they look like, so they can get their own hidden sea village! :derpytongue2:

until now this has been set in the southern sea... do you have any plan about the seas around dragon badlands or griffin dominion? i was thinking about setting my story there... too bad i've still to even find a decent way to start, so it will take ages before getting here... and you are the first, so you got all the rights to do everything you want, i'll adapt. However, great job!
keep going!

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