Chapter 4
Rainbow Dash flew into town, doing a few loops and rolls to mark her appearance before landing. She was aware of the stares she was getting from some of the townsponies, who no doubt wondered who this flashy, brightly colored, good-looking new pegasus was, and none of it stemmed from knowledge of her status as Celestia’s student. Just how she liked it. Rainbow trotted along, giving her mane a toss as she continued on her way.
She was about halfway to the oddly tasty looking building that must have been Sugarcube Corner before she found herself stopped by a tape measure floating in front of her face. “What the—?”
“Please don’t move!” A cultured, slightly accented mare’s voice rang out as the measuring tape darted this way and that, getting into some very personal areas.
Whipping her head around, Rainbow Dash spotted a pretty white unicorn with a well-styled purple mane eagerly approaching her. Her movements were graceful and deliberate, giving off an air of sophistication and poise.
Rainbow already felt her hackles raise.
“My apologies, but after such a marvelous entrance and with your amazing coloration, I felt simply inspired!” The unicorn dramatically draped a hoof across her forehead.
Rainbow blinked. “Uh, okay?”
“Oh pardon me, where are my manners? My name is Rarity.” She elegantly worked a hoof along her coiled mane as she batted her long eyelashes. “And you would be…?”
“Name’s Rainbow Dash,” she replied, drawing back slightly. Rarity was giving off a very Canterlot vibe. “So—hi?”
But Rarity was already off in her own little world as she looked Rainbow over. “Such a wonderful coiffure, a shame you have it cut so short.” She inspected it with a jaundiced eye that made Rainbow feel like a bug under a microscope. “Ooh but the colors are all natural! Breathtaking!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty awesome,” Rainbow agreed, already looking for an escape route.
To her credit, Rarity seemed to realize how uncomfortable she was making her and quickly backpedaled.
“Oh dear, I did come on a little strong there, didn’t I? You have my sincerest apologies. It’s just that when inspiration and opportunity strike, one must seize it before it’s gone. Allow me to make it up to you.”
She drew herself up, as if posing for a photo-shoot only she could see.
“I am the owner and proprietor of the Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique and magnifique. Please, let me make you something to commemorate your visit. A pleasant sundress, perhaps, for a summer afternoon flight? Or would you prefer something grander to bolster your natural beauty?”
Rainbow opened her mouth only to be cut off by a wave of her hoof. “Tut tut, I won’t hear any objections about the expense. If anything, I should be paying you for the opportunity!” Rarity hummed to herself as she floated a notepad and pencil up. “Really, as lovely as Ponyville is I do sometimes feel constrained by how small the town is. Meeting ponies from big cities like Manehattan, Cloudsdale or—” she squealed, “—Canterlot is simply divine.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. Just her luck. She left Canterlot to get away from fashion-obsessed snobs, and not a minute in Ponyville proper, she was face-to-face with the local town diva. “Sure it is. Look, I really need to be going—”
”Hmm, yes, yes…”
Rarity suddenly stopped scribbling, her pencil tip breaking off.
“Going?! But I’ve only just started. Please, couldn’t I treat you to lunch so you could tell me more about where you’re coming from? Oooh! Or better yet, I could treat you to a day at the spa so we can beautify you from head to hoof!” Rarity clapped her hooves together. “Won’t that be fun?”
Horseapples.
“Look, that really isn’t my thing,” Rainbow Dash said slowly, trying to play for time, hoping somepony would come by and give her an out. No such luck. “I just stepped out of Canterlot to—”
She realized her mistake by the ear-splitting squeal Rarity let out.
“Canterlot?! Oh my goodness I should’ve known you came from there!” Her eyes lit up. “Please, you must tell me what it’s like. The glamor, the sophistication, the parties…”
And Rainbow was officially done. “You want to know?” she groused. “Fine. Canterlot’s full of snobby, haughty ponies who titter and look down at other ponies for stupid, petty reasons. You’re welcome to them.” She didn’t add ‘you’d fit right in,’ but she might as well have and they both knew it.
Rarity drew herself up. “Now really, that was uncalled for! If you feel as though other ponies aren’t treating you fairly based on your mannerisms, you might allow me to help you rather than snapping at me.”
She was right, but Rainbow wasn’t in the mood to admit it. “Yeah, well … if you’ve spent as much time there as me, you’d know you’re better off almost anyplace else. Maybe you’d fit in with high society or whatever, but I don’t.”
Rarity hmmed for a moment. “Now that you mention it, I swear I’ve seen you someplace before. Have you ever modeled?”
Unless it was for a Wonderbolt uniform, Rainbow wasn’t interested in modeling. As she shook her head an unpleasant realization hit her: she was sure the ‘Society pages’ of Canterlot newspapers had written about her, seeing as she was Celestia’s student. It was all too likely that a social climber such as Rarity would keep up with those columns. Rainbow knew she had to get out of there before she put two and two together.
It seemed as though she was too late, for Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Ideaaaa! If you’re having trouble fitting in, perhaps I could be of assistance? Nothing quite makes a splash like finding just the right ensemble to help bring out your inner beauty after a spa day.”
Rainbow sighed, relieved she hadn’t remembered. “Yeah, not interested. I don’t do that stuff, so you can keep your fashion torture devices.”
That was only partly true. She’d visited spas and gotten massages, steam baths, had her wings preened, and so on; it’d be hard for anyone athletic to completely avoid those things. But she knew the second she agreed to step into a spa with her, she’d get bombarded with all the frills: hooficures, mane styling, make-up, the works. No thanks.
“Oh honestly,” Rarity huffed. “You act as though I was about to start cackling evilly and drag you into a dungeon.”
“A fashionable dungeon, yeah.” Rainbow nodded.
“While I’m sure I could bring some much needed charm to such a locale, I assure you the Ponyville Spa is no dungeon,” Rarity insisted. “One visit will have you looking regal enough to stand before the Queen and—”
Her eyes widened, and she gasped.
“That’s where I know you from! Trend Setter’s Marvelous Mares Monthly spring edition when he interviewed Queen Celestia! You’re her student!”
Well, double horseapples.
Rainbow facehooved even before the thought of denial crossed her mind. “No, look I—” she groaned. “Feathers, yeah, I am.” She waved her hooves to desperately forestall a shriek that would alert the entire town and likely ruin her hearing for weeks. “But keep that to yourself, okay?!”
Rarity looked thunderstruck. “But … darling, whatever for? Why in Equestria would you ever want to keep that a secret? I somehow doubt modesty is your primary concern.”
“Does the expression ‘That’s the cumulus calling the nimbus fluffy’ mean anything to you?” Rainbow asked dryly.
“Not as such, no, but I take your meaning.” Rarity shook her head and sighed. “I suppose if you truly want me to keep such knowledge to myself I see no harm in it, although…”
Rainbow snorted. Here it came: just like the ponies in Canterlot, now that Rarity had some leverage she was going to use it. “Although what?”
“If would still like it very much if you would join me sometime to discuss Canterlot at my boutique?” Rarity broached hopefully. “Even if your impressions have not been altogether pleasant, I would still like to hear more about them. And perhaps convince you to accompany me to the spa or model an outfit idea or two?”
“Fine,” Rainbow grumbled. “Whatever.”
That caused Rarity to purse her lips. “I certainly shan’t force you. I’m merely requesting as a favor.”
“And if I don’t you’ll tell everyone I’m Celestia’s student, right?” Rainbow didn’t bother to hide her cynicism.
But Rarity looked offended, and perhaps even a little hurt. “No. I gave you my word, and I do not readily go back on my promises. I asked because I would like to spend time with you and perhaps do something to lift your spirits. Is that so hard to believe?”
Rainbow Dash was trapped. Of course it wasn’t hard to believe that ponies would want to spend time with her. But that there weren’t any strings attached to this apparent niceness? That was another story. “Fine, I’ll come to your store and pose. But I’m drawing the line at putting anything on.”
Rarity harrumphed. “Tell me, why is it so wrong to let me help you put a little extra effort into your looks?” She made her eyes look so large and soft that Rainbow Dash actually found herself feeling bad for shooting her down … for a moment, anyway. She looked for an escape vector. Running away wasn’t something she did often, but in this case…
She was saved from further entreaties by the appearance of a white unicorn filly, who called out with a high-pitched squeaky voice. “Rarity!”
“Sweetie Beeeelle!” Rarity trilled in annoyance as she looked down. “What did I tell you about interrupting me when I’m speaking to somepony?”
“Sorry!” Sweetie Belle looked up at Rainbow Dash with wide-eyed awe. “Wow! I really like your mane!”
Rainbow smiled. “Heh, thanks!” She looked at Rarity. “Let me guess, your sister?”
“Indeed.” Rarity chuckled and knelt down to nuzzle her.
Rainbow Dash revised her opinion of Rarity slightly upwards. Most Canterlot mares she knew tried to ignore if not outright snub their little siblings. They certainly wouldn’t display such affection to them in public.
“This is Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle, this is Rainbow Dash. She’s new here.”
“Hi!” Sweetie Belle waved energetically.
Celestia always thought I was a sucker for kids, Rainbow thought with a sigh. She was right. “Hey kiddo. What’s up?”
“You were!” Sweetie beamed without a trace of irony. “I saw you flying through the air and doing all kinds of tricks and making rainbows! Scootaloo’s gonna want to meet you!”
Rainbow Dash tilted her head. “Who’s—?” A low buzzing noise, growing louder as it drew closer, answered her unfinished question.
They all turned around just in time to see a rising cloud of dust rapidly approaching. From out of the dust came an orange blur on a scooter that soon coalesced into a little orange pegasus filly with a dark purple mane. Turning hard, the scooter skidded to a stop, turning up dust and dirt. “Whoa!” She looked up at the older pegasus. “W-who are you?”
“The name’s Rainbow Dash.” She beat the dust away with a flap of her wings. “Lemme guess, you’re Scootaloo?”
“Yeah! I saw you flying into town and it was so amazing!” Rainbow felt herself smiling at the eager little filly. It had been so long since somepony had really complimented her flying. Celestia and Shining Armor didn’t count, since they’d say that regardless to make her feel better. The children of the Canterlot elite either mocked her like Tiffany and her crew or tried to suck up to her in the hopes of getting close to the Queen, which was even worse.
To see the look of honest awe in somepony’s eyes at her accomplishments … that was something special. She knew because she wore that same look whenever she watched the Wonderbolts perform, or Celestia raised the sun.
Scootaloo suddenly gasped.
“Whoa, that’s an awesome cutie mark!”
Rainbow turned to better show it off. “It is, isn’t it?” She smirked before noticing that neither filly had theirs yet.
Rarity cleared her throat. “Ahem, yes, well as ... lovely as your flank is I’m afraid I must be going.” She shook some dust from her coat. “I have to tidy up and work on some outfits while I keep an eye on these two during their playdate. But don’t think you’re off the hook yet!”
She looked at Rainbow Dash, her gaze so steely it could cut stone. Rainbow felt her insides shiver. Just as soon as it had come, the look passed and Rarity had a big, friendly smile back on her face. It almost made Rainbow think she had been imagining things.
Almost.
As Rarity began shepherding the two fillies off, Sweetie Belle waved to Rainbow Dash like a passenger on a departing ship. “Goodbye, Rainbow Dash! Nice meeting you!”
“Yeah!” Scootaloo climbed back on her scooter. “Um, if you’re gonna be around later do you think that I … well, could watch you fly? I-I saw your rainbow coming into town and it was so awesome that—”
Rainbow laughed. “It’s cool, squirt.” She tousled Scootaloo’s mane. “Now go on. I’ll catch up with you later, I promise.”
She was answered with a grin so wide it threatened to cleave Scootaloo’s face in two. “Oh wow, awesome! Y-you're the best! I just, wow you rule!” She buzzed her wings as she sped away, her head still trained on Rainbow Dash. “You are too coooooool!” she yelled as her scooter zipped up a ramp and carried her over a carrot stand and out of sight.
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “That filly is gonna go places … the hospital first, most likely, but places.” Still, the fillies’ interruption had saved her from a potential makeover, so she owed them one. Without further interruption, she walked inside Sugarcube Corner.
As she looked at the displayed baked goods she noticed the pinkest earth pony with the floofiest mane she’d ever seen standing behind the counter. She blinked only to find the pink pony suddenly right in front of her muzzle. Rainbow couldn’t help letting out a startled yelp as she fell backwards onto her rump.
“Ooooh! You’re new! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, the sugariest, tastiest and most cuberific corner in all of Equestria!” Confetti and balloons seem to burst out of nowhere as she raised her forelegs in the air in celebration. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”
“Uh, Rainbow Dash.” She took a half step back before getting up. “So, you work here?”
“Work, live, bake, play, sing, sleep, aaaand party!” Pinkie announced, bouncing in place. “I aaaalso volunteer for the Ponyville Town Hall, do all sorts of odd jobs around the town, I play the trombone and my favorite word is kumquat!! Oh! And I'm suuuuper laidback. Total chill. Stick me in a fridge and call it a day, if you know what I'm saying?" She winked. “So do you like it here? Huh, do ya? Huh huh?” She leaned further and further forward until she seemed to be defying gravity.
“Oh it’s really nice! It’s a really nice bakery! And this village sure has a lot of … ponies?” Rainbow Dash backed up again, trying to get some space for herself. Pinkie Pie failed to take a hint as she took a step forward.
“Well duh! Silly, where do you think you are?” Pinkie giggled. “Yakistan?”
“Don’t even joke.” Rainbow shuddered. She went to a diplomatic function for the prince of Yakistan once. Never again.
“Aww, but I love to joke! And gape and cavort and plenty of other stuff, but I’m not doing it right now because I’m saying hi to you!”
Rainbow Dash facehooved again. She’d been doing that a lot lately. She hoped she wouldn’t end up with a divot in her head.
Pinkie hopped up and down some more. “So welcome to Ponyville, Dashie!”
“‘Dashie?’” She looked at her flatly. “Seriously?”
“I’m always serious!” Pinkie solemnly stated. “Except when I’m not. But I am serious when I say there's something about you that really makes you stand out! With your super cool and colorful mane and, um ... What's that word that means you have a good presence or something?"
"Charisma?"
"Right! You seriously got some style, Dashie! You'd fit right in Ponyville perfectly, like the ace in a deck of cards!"
"How can I argue with that?" Rainbow Dash asked, hoping somepony would actually have an answer for her. She rubbed her head with her hoof. “I’m actually just gonna be here for a couple of days.”
Pinkie Pie deflated. Literally. Rainbow rubbed her eyes to check to make sure she wasn't seeing things. “Awww … then that means I better throw you a party soon!”
Rainbow chuckled, not taking her seriously. “Well, I’ll be staying with Applejack, so maybe I’ll catch you later.”
“Catch me? Oh I knew you were the heroic type!" Pinkie replied, before suddenly and dramatically falling to the floor with a swoon. Had it been any other pony, they might have suffered a nasty fall but as it was, Pinkie harmlessly bounced like a sponge. Rainbow almost swore she even heard a squeak.
“You are a really weird pony aren’t you?” Rainbow Dash asked lightly. “Heh. All right, we’ll party sometime. But if I do, will you promise to start making sense?”
“When do I ever not make sense?” Pinkie asked in honest confusion. There was a pregnant pause that was about to go into labor when the bell chimed, indicating that somepony had just walked in. “Ooh, hi there!” Pinkie waved from in front of Dash. “How’s our favorite weather pony today? Are you here for your muffins?”
“Yup!” Rainbow’s ears perked up a that voice. She turned around and tried to look over Pinkie, but the poofy mane blocked her vision. She gave herself a little flap just enough to lift her off the ground and gaze over Pinkie’s head.
Her gaze was met by a pair of bright golden eyes who, one wit observed, seemed to be undergoing a trial separation where neither cared to acknowledge the existence of the other. Still, each one was alight with warmth and kindness, matched only by the happy go-lucky smile that graced her face. Attached to said face was a gray pegasus with a blond mane.
Rainbow beamed as she recognized one of her oldest friends from Flight Camp, her old junior counselor. “Derpy!”
Derpy Doo’s mismatched eyes whirled around until they focused on her in sheer shock. “Rainbow Dash?!” Her voice squeaked. “It is you!” Derpy launched herself at Rainbow, tackling her out of the sky and sending them both crashing to the floor.
“Ooof! Derpy!” Rainbow let out a grunt, but couldn’t help laughing. “Geeze, it’s been too long!” She gave the wall-eyed mare a hug from the ground. “How’ve you been?”
“Great! I wish I’d know you were coming, I—”
“Mommy?” They both turned to a see a unicorn filly standing in the doorway: a blue-gray unicorn with a blonde mane. She gasped upon seeing the rainbow-maned pegasus. “Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow grinned. “Hey squirt!”
“Muffin!” Derpy called joyously as zoomed over and scooped the filly up and hugged her close.
Dinky waved from the all-encompassing embrace. “Hi! Remember when we visited you in Canterlot, and you took me to the zoo and we ate carrotdogs and Mommy crashed into the wall? Remember that?”
“Heh, of course I do!" She ruffled Dinky’s mane gently. “You don't forget your own godkid.” Rainbow’s smile slipped slightly as she realized just how long it’d been since their last visit.
Unaware of Rainbow’s sudden guilt, Dinky tilted her head and put on an adorable face as she thought. “Yeah-huh! Ooh, Mommy wanted to me to thank you next time we saw you for the presents you sent me on my birthday! So thank you!” Dinky made a mwa sound as she gave her a fillyish kiss. Rainbow briefly tasted sugar, but couldn’t help letting a soft ‘aww’ at the adorableness. “You’re said you were gonna do the sonic bainroom at my next birthday!”
“That’s sonic rainboom,” Derpy corrected gently.
“That too!”
“You … remember that?” Rainbow felt her heart torn by a mixture of relief and nervousness.
Derpy looked at her sidewise, something only she was capable of actually doing. “Of course she does. I’ve told her the story about your rainboom a dozen times.”
“My favorite part is when you went all whish! And zoom! And hee-yah!” Dinky flailed her hooves. “And then you made the bullies ker-splode and stuff!”
Derpy looked at her. “That’s not quite how I told it … but it’s still the second most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.” She put her hoof on her daughter’s head.
“I know you said you’ll do it for my birthday, but that’s such a looong time from now. Can you do it before you haveta go back to Canterlot? Pleeease?” Dinky begged. “It sounds so amazing!”
Rainbow suppressed the urge to gulp. “Aheh, are you kidding? Of course I can, I could do it in my sleep! Just, er, not right now.”
"Yeah, cuz you're not sleeping right now!" Dinky giggled.
Derpy stepped in. “Dinky, why don’t you go and pay Miss Pinkie for our muffins and get an extra one for Rainbow Dash too?” She gave Dinky a small bag of bits from out of her saddle bag. Nodding, Dinky grabbed the bag in her mouth and trotted away. Derpy turned back to Dash and looked at her. Despite only being a couple of years older than her, Derpy had the practiced eyes of a parent and past experience with Dash to boot. “Sonic rainbooms in your sleep, huh?”
Rainbow actually flinched and scuffed her hooves, Derpy’s piercing eyes bringing the normally brash pegasus back to when Dash a little filly and Derpy would catch her sneaking out her cabin or raiding the pantry for cookies. “Well … maybe not in my sleep.”
“Rainbow Dash,” Derpy’s voice took on a warning tone.
Giving up, Rainbow threw her hooves in the air. “Alright alright! I still can’t do the sonic rainboom again, okay? I’ve tried a thousand times and just can’t do it.” She looked away. “Happy?”
“Hey.” Derpy put a wing over Dash’s back. “It’s okay. I know you're a great flyer. You'll get it.”
She snorted skeptically, then sighed. “Thanks, Derpy. It just … gets to me sometimes.”
“Anytime.” Derpy smiled. “I always knew you were cut for bigger and better things: the pony who’d set the whole world on its ear.”
Rainbow gave a wane smile of her own. “Really?”
Derpy nodded. “Sure. I guess you could say I just have an eye for greatness.” She allowed her left eye to drift off, prompting a surprised snort from Rainbow Dash. “So, what brings you to Ponyville?”
Rainbow shrugged. “I just wanted to get away for a bit, check in on you guys … stretch my wings, you know.” Her account was truthful, if vague. She wasn’t sure if Derpy would buy it, but she really wasn’t in the mood to go into it further just now.
“I do.” Derpy nodded, letting Rainbow have her space. “Even as a filly you could never stay still: you always had someplace else to be—unless you were napping somewhere,” she added with a giggle. Aside from an elegant eye roll, Dash chose not to respond. “Do you have a place to stay?”
Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I’m staying with Applejack. We, uh, have an arrangement.”
“That’s nice!” Derpy beamed. “I’d offer you a place to stay myself, but if Applejack offered I don’t want to steal you away. She’d probably take it as an opportunity to get into a competition to see who can be the most hospitable, and I can’t match all the great food the Apples can make.”
Rainbow chuckled. “Not without the risk of you burning your kitchen down. So, you know Applejack?”
“It is a small town,” Derpy pointed out. “But even then I go to her farm a lot. Weather jobs and all.”
“Right, Pinkie said something about you being a weather pony?” Rainbow asked.
Derpy nodded. “And a mailmare.”
“Two jobs?” Rainbow Dash looked curious. Derpy usually didn’t talk much about her work when she came to visit her in Canterlot.
Derpy gave a small, awkward shrug. “Yeah … well, things are kinda tight right now what with it just being Dinky and me. Sparkler’s just about to started going to school in Canterlot and, well...”
Rainbow opened her mouth, only to shut it again when the implication sunk in. “…Oh.”
The uncomfortable moment was broken by Dinky running back to them with a paper bag in her mouth. “Ah goff th muwffnz!” She said around the bag. Setting it down Dinky looked up. “Can Rainbow Dash come back to our house and play?”
“Dinky, I think Rainbow probably has plans—” Derpy started to say before Rainbow interrupted.
“Nah, it’s cool.” Rainbow smiled. “I came to see my friends and it’d be neat to hang out with my old counselor and my godkid and number one fan.” Dinky let out a cheer and hopped around the two adults in glee.
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Love your take on best muffin horse. Ah, who am I kidding, I just love Derpy in general.
I really liked this chapter. Derpy being a weather pony is...interesting, and well...is she significantly less clumsy in this AU cus I think Derpy + weather generally spells disaster. Especially since she seems to have a couple of shared traits with her Winningverse counterpart, namely her tendency to set her kitchen on fire. I do like Rainbow also being Dinky's godmother here. Gives her some nice ties to Ponyville right off the bat.
Woah, another big difference! Rarity recognizes Rainbow as Queen Celestia's student.
It's a nice change that someone who isn't already friends with Dash know who she is.
Not sure jaundiced is the word you want here.
You're gonna go far, kid.
Do you want an answer?
This kid is goddamn diabetes inducing.
Ah.
9318903
jaundiced (2), adj., exhibiting or influenced by envy, distaste, or hostility
9318909
I stand corrected. Never mind.
9318910
Literally seconds passed between my comment and your reply to it, as if you were waiting for me to say something.
Are you Batman?
9318913
For all you know, I might be.
9318903
With a thousand lies and a good disguise
Hit 'em right between the eyes
Hit 'em right between the eyes
You really opened yourself up for that.
9319390
It was very much intentional.
9318574
I think I remember Winningverse Derpy being a weather pony too, before she lit a tornado on fire. I need to check, it’s been too long since I read those.
9319422
You could be right. I only read Winning Pony itself once and a while ago at that. The fire tornado does ring a bell, though
9319480
9319422
It was properly called a "Firenado." Coming soon to theaters Equestria-wide!
9318606
I realized that it wasn't terribly likely that someone as Canterlot- and high society-obsessed as Rarity wouldn't know who Celestia's student was. Plus, this time around I wanted to do things to show that this is an actual alternate universe, and not simply have all the characters be the exact same as their show-counterparts, except for Rainbow Dash and Twilight. So you might see the rest of the Mane Six having slightly different roles or motivations going forward.
Is she looking to find that stallion looking for that special mare to help him hold his
That's because of trains. They come through about 3 or 4 in the morning. By then its to early for work, but pointless to go back to sleep... Gotta fill the time somehow
9319562
Right next to Sharknado Equestria
9319878
I remember when someone in choir managed to trick the director into playing that before someone grabbed the mike.
9320057
Don't go giving Discord ideas...
9319562
9320057
Discord: <slow claps>
Cloud: Derpy... hon, bubala, baby... you're on your own on this one...
9320121
Ugh... a church goer...
Another great chapter. Interesting to see the interactions Dash is having with everyone. I really do like how she raises her estimation of Rarity because she's nice to Sweetie Belle. Good touch, there.
Nice! Though, what's with the QUEEN Celestia thing?
9339927
Bit of an aesthetic preference. See, Faust originally wanted Celestia to be a Queen but Hasbro insisted she be a Princess because, well, marketing and the Disney association of princess with young girls and queens with old, evil women. And as the show introduced more royals (Princess Cadance, Princess Twilight, Queen Chrysalis, Queen Novo, etc.) it bugged me that Celestia's title didn't reflect her standing in the world as a whole. So I decided to make her a Queen in this version.
George Bernard Shaw was notorious for his dislike of parties, but sometimes his wife would drag him to one
(one of the MANY Joys Of Marriage)
He was at a party & someone invited him to another & he cried out
"What have I done to invite such an attack on my well known habit?"
"I don't know, but if your habits are as bad as your manners then they NEED to be attacked"
9318909
Be that as it may, that's not what most people will immediately think of. I read that and had to reread the previous paragraphs to make sure there wasn't some reference to Rarity being old or sick that I'd missed. Especially since yellow eyes are one of the main symptoms of jaundice.
10184875
Hello again! I only meant it as an exercise, because I remember thinking the progressive tense detracted a bit from the last chapter. To be clear, there’s nothing inherently wrong with the progressive tense (aka, -ing verbs). They DEFINITELY have their place in writing, but they can be weak sometimes if overused. A few reasons why:
1. If you’re using an -ing verb, you’re probably telling, not showing. For example, this is telling: “The girl sat alone in the corner, crying.” This is showing: “The girl huddled in the corner, alone with her thoughts. Mascara smeared her face as she fought in vain to keep the tears from spilling out.” One paints a vivid picture for the reader, the other just tells the reader the bare minimum about what’s going on.
At the same time, you don’t want to overwrite a scene to the point where you’ve got some icky purple prose going on. Showing too much can be bad because it can annoy the reader and slow down the story to a snail’s pace. Sometimes you WANT to tell, not show in order to keep the wheels greased and the narrative moving forward. It’s definitely a balancing act.
2. Using the same verb tense repeatedly or several times in a row can disrupt the rhythm of the story. Example here:
It’s not grammatically wrong. It just crops up enough times in a row that it starts to become noticeable.
Incidentally, there are a few grammatical issues with the above:
· There should be a comma after “townsponies”, because it’s followed by a nonessential subordinate clause. (There’s also a natural pause there if you speak the sentence out loud.)
· There should never, ever be a hyphen between a word that ends in “ly” and the word that comes after it. "Brightly colored" is correct. "Brightly-colored" is not.
· Don’t need the comma between “good-looking” and “new”.
· “Giving her mane a toss for her admirers and continued on her way” — should probably be “as she continued on her way”.
That said, I’m going to lay off the grammar Nazi stuff unless I spot something major. A lot of these are really minor errors, things I don’t tend to think twice about whenever I spot them in a fanfic. The text isn’t problematic to the point where it’s unreadable, it’s just a little rough around the edges in places. (Also, the roughest passages look to be the ones that have been copied from the original fanfic with no edits or minimal edits, not so much the new stuff.)
One grammatical choice I WILL argue strongly for is breaking up some of these long paragraphs.
This runs for six lines for me on Fimfiction. In a standard-sized six-inch by nine-inch book, it would run for eight lines — almost a quarter of a page! (I just copied it into Adobe InDesign to check.)
Long paragraphs, you want to avoid whenever possible. Long paragraphs cause problems with eye tracking from line to line, making it easy for the reader to lose their place, decreasing the overall readability of the text. Long paragraphs make the page look more daunting and formidable, which might cause a reader to put down your story and not pick it back up. Long paragraphs are psychologically proven to cause more anxiety than short paragraphs, which translates to reduced reader enjoyment of your story.
In this paragraph, the character action is also flipping back and forth between Rainbow Dash and Rarity repeatedly. Each time the action flips, it should begin a new paragraph — there’s no good reason for it not to. Not only that, there’s two bits of dialogue in here, and they’re separated by lines and lines. Makes it hard for the brain to pick apart what’s going on from what’s being said.
What’s more, the writing here is GREAT! This gigantic paragraph is HIDING that wonderful writing. It barely needs anything to fix it. Just two little strokes of the Enter key, and it's much more professional.
This paragraph here is another bad offender:
The same, with carriage returns:
If you were to go through the whole story and break up these monsters wherever they occur, I’m not kidding, I think just doing that one thing would do more to improve the story than anything other edit you could make. It’s, like, the easiest thing to fix, too. There’s wonderful writing already there, you’ve just gotta break it apart a little bit. Expose the statue in the marble.
(As an aside, just because I’ve already quoted this paragraph… “backpeddled” is a typo; should be “backpedaled”… “when wisdom and opportunity strikes”; should be “strike”.
"She cleared her throat primly" is what I consider to be a bad action tag. It's unnecessary, and it doesn't add anything to the story; rather than adding, it takes away. As a writer, there can be an instinct to think you have to festoon your dialogue with a lot of tags, to dress it up and make it pretty... Don't listen to that instinct. You don't want to slip into Talking Head Syndrome, but too many useless tags can be just as distracting.)
Just another suggestion to improve flow and readability. Try not to interrupt the dialogue if you can help it. It makes it harder to read and can cause things to seem disjointed.
Here, the paragraph is improved just by rearranging it a little.
A few more examples:
"When her words actually sank in" is unnecessary, and it weakens the action that comes after it. Trim the fat.
For the most part, all I’m doing here is hitting the Enter key. Just splitting up paragraphs to improve the flow. There’s tons more paragraphs I could give this treatment to, but you get the idea.
I love this! So clever.
I think it’s actually Yakyakistan. I like the change here, as compared with Coltonville in the original. It’s smart to make use of show canon that hadn’t been conceptualized yet when Rainbooms and Royalty was first written.
And Derpy in this version instead of Ditzy Doo!
Evidently, Rainbow Dash has been a bit less of an absent godparent in this version than in the original. I love the dialogue between Rainbow and Derpy in both versions, by the way. It feels really authentic. Dinky peddling trite, childish questions also rings very true.
This is another example of one of those -ing words weakening the writing a bit, I think. “Making clear what she put in the top spot” is telling the reader what to think. Furthermore, it’s unnecessary… As long as the action tag is strong enough, the reader can infer Derpy is talking about her daughter.
That’s all the major input I have for this chapter. I realize I’m going a little slow, but I hope these posts are meaningful or helpful in some way. This actually took about three and a half hours to go through and write… I’ll keep trying to make time for one, maybe two chapters a week. Until next time!
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Gotcha. I'll see what I can do about those big paragraph chunks. Thanks.
I was wondering what you thought of the change of Rarity now knowing who and what RD is.
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Also, I know it's Yakyakistan ... but I think the name is trying too hard to be punny/jokey and makes it impossible to take them seriously. So I just went with yakistan.
But...but Rainbow Dash always dresses in style…
Dash: “You’re the local hookup for weed?”
Pinkie: “Hahaha! No, silly! Actually wait, yes. Yes, I’ve got all the weed. A friend of a friend grows it and I sell it. Also rocks.”
Dash: “Wait, weed is one thing but cocaine - ”
Pinkie: “No, I mean home-grown 100% fresh from the ground rocks from my family’s rock farm!”
Dash: “Oh.”
Pinkie: “I’d never sell cocaine. Dealers can’t be users, right?”
Dash: “Ohhhh…”
Also this chapter has reminded me that I need to get back to Treasure Hunt.
This story seems like it's moving really fast.
I kind of thought there'd be more of Rainbow and Celestia's early times together before we rush straight into Ponyville. And even once in Ponyville, there isn't a lot of time spent with any one pony before we move to the next one.
It's still a fun read, it's just... I don't know, moving too fast to fully appreciate.
Although, moving fast is kind of Rainbow's thing, so maybe it's intentional.That's really nice how Rarity initially appeared like the Canterlot ponies but subtly showed she was better by being affectionate to her sister. It's a clever way of utilizing Rainbow's circumstance as Celestia's student from Canterlot to showcase Rarity's real personality, drawing a contrast from the Canterlot ponies we experienced previously. Sweetie Belle's "I really like your mane!" was an amazing reference to Lesson Zero. When I read that Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were on a playdate together it made me think the CMCs had already formed until I realized these two could've known each other before Apple Bloom.
So far it seems like Rainbow will be using the Sonic Rainboom to defeat Nightmare Moon given how it's been mentioned she still can't reproduce it and Ditzy asking to see one before Rainbow leaves Ponyville. I wonder if it will parallel Twilight's canon adventure, where the magic of friendship unlocks her true power? Maybe her friends will encourage Rainbow enough to perform it or she has to save them like how she had to save Rarity in the canon episode? I'm also super curious about how Twilight will be introduced.