I Am The Villain!

by Chemtest

If you wanna have a good time, just shout!

*Snap!*

With a single snap of Discords talons, it begins.

“Hey, who threw that!?”

“My suit!”

“Food fight!”

I kick open the doors from the guardian to see it already going full blast. Noble ponies chucking cakes, pies, and various asorted foods. I see Pinkie Pie already on the other side of the room, Discord is throwing from the shadows, and Fancy Pants is holding his ground from everyone else.

I raise a pie of my own, and hear the song magic kick in. Something to fit the chaotic food fight.

I splat the pie on some noble that didn’t notice me flanking them. I can see many eyes lock onto me as their target as soon as they hear that nobles scream.

I immediately rush to a table and throw it onto its side. I duck beneath it just in time to see pies fly overhead, and hear them splat into the table.

I grab a pie just lieing around, and peak my head out just so. I spot one pony who’s cover doesn’t cover all of themselves.

“Ahhhh!”

Bullseye! Then I duck back into cover as another volley meets my position.

I can hear some shouting from the other side, and hoofsteps follow shortly after. I peek around to see a few brave souls rushing my position. I take out my wand, “Pieus splatus!”

A pie travels from my wand to the unfortunate noble like a bullet. I smile, “Spellus Repeatis!”

With this on, every time I move my wand will do the same spell. Thus causing me to have a fast fire rate. It wears off in a minute, plenty of time.

Flick, “Ahhh!”

Flick, “Ahh!”

Swish, “Ahh!”

Swish and flick, “Ahhhhh!”

Duck into cover as they pelt my position some more.

Peek back out, spot, flick, “Ahh!”

*splat!*

I look to my side to see that they appear to have a sniper on my position. Twilight Sparkle, of course she would snipe my position. It’s always the purple females that are snipers, never the Australian.

*splat!*

I quickly get a fix on her position. Swish, and a miss.

*splat!*

Duck back in, poke back out. Flick, and a miss.

*splat!*

Wait a second for her to fire again thinking she can catch me in my pattern.

*splat!*

Now that she’s overextended, I can easily spot her. Flick, “Ahhh!”

I smile at my victory. Then I remember that one pony was still charging. Then I hear hoofsteps. It was at this time I almost fucked up. The pony is right behind me, “Got you!”

Roll to the side, pie splats where I used to be. Use this roll to get back up on my feet, aim at the pony who believes himself triumphant. Flick, “Ahhh!”

The pony collapses, as is the rules in the food fight, and I slide back to my table.

*splat!*

The ponies across from me still have me pinned down.

I think now is the time I summon my trump card, “Guards, assistance required!”

A window nearby me breaks as my guards jump to my side. I can see one burrow his way out of the floor in the no-mans land. One bursts himself out of a cake, and helps pull another one out from there as well. I point forward, “Charge!”

The guards all start to rush across the no-mans land. I vault over my impromptu cover, and join them in it.

*splat!*

*splat!*

Two guards fall beside me as they are pied down, “Johnny, no!”

I grab one guard as he stops to mourn his fallen brethren, “There’s no time for that here! Mourn their fate when we have got the enemy down!”

The guard leading the charge shouts, “Contengint 2: Flank them!”

Another squad of guards bursts through the walls our enemy’s are hiding by. They all have pies in-hoof, and throw them at the suprised nobles.

We converge on the enemy base and find it all destroyed by the flanking squad. I nod at the work, “Nicely done. Onto the next base!”

The guard leading the charge before looks to one in the flanking squad, “Did you bring the secret weapons?”

With a nod, they lay out multiple black cases. The guards all converge on them and put on the equipment, “What’s this?”

One of them looks back at me, “This is our M2 Creamthrower, the secret to win Nam.”

I nod, and laugh, “Then we shall burn out the Ponycong!”

The guards all attach an nossle to the twin whipped cream cans on their backs. The lead guard smiles as they also put on gas masks, “Let’s burn them out, boys! Charge!”

“Yeahhhh!”

The guards rush out, and find enemy bases. They destroy all inside each base without prejudice. Even the Lunar Republic’s magical defenses ran out when we applied enough whipped cream to them.

All bases are whipped out by the time the four remaining players met in the middle. I look to my guard, “Dismissed, I will take it from here.”

A few of my guards take out instruments and surround us.

Pinkie, Discord, Fancy, and I all stand in a square of each other. We all share a nod, and Fancy looks around, “Looks like this is the end of the road, chaps.”

Discord also looks around, “So it would seem.”

Pinkie raises her pie a bit, “Well boys, it’s been fun.”

I hover my hand around my wand, “But it’s the end here.”

I smooth out the end of my moustach as we all stare at each other. I see a twitch of movement from Fancy, and I immediately point my wand at him, “Bananaus peelis!”

A banana skin hits him in the face, thus wiping him from the game. Then I roll to the side as Discords attack on me misses. Pinkie manages to hit Discord, leaving just us two.

Her party cannon has recoil, my wand doesn’t. I point my wand at her, “Bananaus peelis!”

With that, Pinkie Pie is taken out. I am the last one left standing. All those knocked down start to stand as I walk up onto a podium, “Victorious!”

I can see Celestia walk up to me with a smile on her face, “I have to admit, I did not expect this from you, Emperor. This was fun.” She floats a metal over my neck, “I pronounce you the winner of the first annual Bananaramma Food Fight!”

I take my medal with a smile, “So, this will be a yearly thing?”

She nods, “Oh yes, this is the most fun I’ve had at a celebration in ages, even if those M2 Creamthrowers did take me out easily. So much fun, in fact, it would be a shame if we didn’t do it more! It will be a celebration of the peace that will last between our countries!”

I smile, “Also, remember that Pinkie gets second and Discord third. And remember to thank them as well as me, for they played as big a role if not bigger.”

She smiles, “Well, I think those are good closing words. The first annual Bananaramma Food Fight is thus over!”

The ponies all applaude for me, and cheer.

Celestia smiles at the crowds reaction, “So, Emperor, I’m sure you will wish to know where your quarters are. I shall lead you too them.”

Author's Note:

Did I really just write a 1.2K long chapter about a food fight?

Comments

[Bones_]

The guards are the best part of this story. They're amazing.

[Gavier]

It’s always the purple females that are snipers, never the Australian.

She's a professional, after all.

Did you know that Sniper isn't Australian? He is actually from the lost city of New Zeland

[Chemtest]

9077525
That’s why no sniper is an Australian

[Resadur164]

Yes yes you did just write a 1.2k long chapter about a food fight

[Zaten the Changeling]

t’was a beautiful chapter
ah, who am i kidding, it was a HILARIOUS chapter!