The Black Tar Heroin of the Coffee World
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor stared at the black, abyss-like ‘liquid’ in their mugs with matching looks of concern suggesting they might consider it was staring back. The ooze smelled vaguely of coffee. Well, perhaps it was more accurate to say it smelled like the pure essence of coffee; the substance was somehow compressed into a smaller space than typically thought possible by scientists. The very aroma of whatever was presented to them caused the tired eyes of the royal couple to open wide as a more alert look crossed their faces.
“I should send a sample of this to Twilight,” Shining quipped as held up his ‘Equestria’s Best Grandma’ mug in his two hooves, “for science.”
“Chrysalis, what is this?” Cadance asked warily as she held up a clear cup covered in lines and numbers in the baby-blue glow of her magic.
Chrysalis scoffed as she flopped back down on the bed the trio shared. “It’s a measuring cup, foolish pony!” Chrysalis spat out. “Are you so detached from the lives of your subjects, you are unfamiliar with such tools?!” Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “And you claim to love your underlings!”
“No, not the cup!” Cadance exclaimed as she glanced at Shining’s mug. “You clearly picked those at random, or out of spite…” Cadance sighed slightly as she looked at her measuring cup of dreck. “Seriously, though?” She continued dejectedly. “Was my ‘Best MILF’ mug in the wash?”
“Get on with it!” Chrysalis groaned out as she made a dramatic display of making herself comfortable on the bed. This caused her to resemble a large, rather pointy, black pet of some sort.
“What’s inside the cups?” Cadance clarified.
Chrysalis opened a single jade eye, its narrow slit focusing on Cadance. “It’s that water and burnt bean substance you two are hopelessly addicted to! I’d think that’d be obvious if I was talking to almost any other pair of sapients from this horrible - mostly translucent - land.”
Shining and Cadance gave the substance a more critical look.
“It looks a bit… thick for coffee,” Shining stated.
Cadance floated her cup above her head and examined the bottom, small, barely visible particles drifted in the muck. “And a bit unfiltered.”
Chrysalis turned her entire head this time. “Your pathetic stoves are inefficient at capturing the pure essence of the beans! I ground the substance to powder with my hooves and superheated the liquid it was in with my magic, fueled by the hatred I feel for you two!” She shook her head. “If you want to force your bodies into servitude by stimulating your central nervous system, you shouldn’t resort to half measures!”
Cadance and Shining exchanged worried glances.
“I’m the mare of the household,” Cadance said, “I should drink first.”
Shining narrowed his eyes. “Wow! What century is this?! I’ll drink first!” He gave his wife a loving glance. “I can’t stand to think of a world where Flurry Heart grows up without her mother.”
Cadance gave Shining a sad look. “And I can’t stand to think of a world where she grows up without her daddy!”
Shining looked deep into his wife’s amethysts eyes with his steel blue ones. “Together then?”
Cadance nodded. “Together.”
Chrysalis’s brow furrowed. “Wait, wouldn’t that mean the child has no parents if you both die?”
Cadance and Shining floated over each other’s mugs to their partners face.
“Mon Chere,” Cadance cooed out lovingly.
“Cara Mia,” Shining whispered breathily.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Well… free baby, I guess.”
The pair both took a sip from the cups passed to them.
Then their worlds exploded.
-o~Soon~o-
“HahaHA!” Cadance chortled maniacally as she galloped one way then the other, papers flying everywhere. “I’ve just written all my speeches for the week! And I’ve only been out of bed for fifteen minutes!”
“And I just got back from my 5K run with my troops,” Shining said. “who are still on the first kilometer!”
“That’s great, honey!” Cadance bellowed. “But why are you brown?!”
Shining Armor grit his teeth and looked down at his forelegs as he galloped in place. Which had, in fact, turned brown. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it has something to do with all the sweating I can’t stop doing and the fact that my heart is trying to escape out my throat.”
“Oh, good!” Cadance replied. “It’s not just me!”
Watching from one side of the room, Chrysalis bore witness to the couple as they ran to and fro, cradling Flurry Heart in a foreleg. Flurry watched her parents’ antics with a look of concern and let out a small murmur of worry.
“I’m going to let you make your parent’s morning concoctions from now on,” Chrysalis muttered to the baby.
Flurry Heart let out a burble of protest and swatted up at Chrysalis as if making a point of how unqualified she was to do such a thing on account of all the baby she was.
“Bhah! Useless larvae pony!” Chrysalis snapped.
Flurry Heart just giggled, unfurled her wings, then flapped up until she was riding on Chrysalis’s back. Having landed on her Changeling Queen mount she let out several excited coos.
Chrysalis’s head rolled back and upside down to glare at the child. “No!”
Flurry Heart let out a babble of protest and swatted at Chrysalis’s chitin exterior.
“Absolutely not!”
Letting out an indignant shriek, Flurry Heart pointed to her parents - who had both turned a bit brown at this point and had already moved on to other activities. Cadance was now seemingly working on writing three letters at once as Shining Armor controlled several utility closets worth of cleaning supplies in the plum glow of his magic. He was busy sweeping, scrubbing, and polishing the crystal room until rainbows beamed out from every prismatic inch.
Chrysalis rolled her head back into its position. “Fine!” she spat out as she turned to walk out of the room. With a jade blaze from her horn that consumed her body, Chrysalis changed into an ashen-colored pegasus with a black Breezy-like character in a golden cage. She began to speak in a voice that reverberated with the emptiness of the void and was more terrible than the darkest of dreaded secrets. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful and wondrous Changeling Queen that ruled over her subjects without mercy and feasted on the love of all the pathetic and unworthy creatures of the realm!”
Flurry Heart laughed mirthfully and clapped her forelegs together as she rode on Chrysalis’s back. Chrysalis flounced into an empty hallway causing the baby on her back to bounce up and down slightly, much to its delight.
“I just took a full inventory of the treasury and organized everything by shininess!” Cadance cawed out.
“I just took a full inventory of the armory and organized everything by pointiness!” Shining replied.
“Then one day she was approached by two wicked, awful ponies who forced her into a life of servitude for themselves and their terrible and insatiable infant…”
Flurry Heart’s joyous cries only increased, filling the hallway with laughter over the din of her parents galloping from place to place and the grumpy storytelling of Queen Chrysalis.
The End
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Chrysalis does seem like she'd make an amazing babysitter, provided you can keep her from doing anything unspeakable with her charges.
Chrysalis would make for a pretty fun babysitter, although I'm still wondering what the "coffee" they drank actually was. I know nothing about coffee so I'm a little confused.
Send to Twilight with a warning that Pinkie should not drink for fear of world ending horrors.
Cadance and Shining where hilarious in this.
Also Chrissy is best babysitter.
Is it weird that I want to have the recipe for that coffee?
Wonder what else they will accomplish in the 71 hours and 45 minutes or so they have before they crash like a semi into a cement wall.
the story is good .kind of short.
Shining and Cadance as Gomez and Morticia?
I can see it.
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I now want to see the story where Pinkie drinks it.
Alternatively, I want to see the omake chapter for "Wheel and the Butterfly" where Dan and Pinkie drink it.
"In short, that's how Flurry Heart is getting a new sibling." Concluded Cadance.
"You're pregnant? Again?!" Yelped Twilight.
"Well, we completed most of a years' work by day one and a half and got bored, so..."
"Please refrain from telling me about yours and my brothers' bedroom exploits. Again." Twilight dead panned as Cadance draped herself over the younger alicorns' back and tittered.
"Aww, but sibling appreciation is just another form of love Twilight."
"I'd say Chrysalis has been a horrible influence on you, but you've always been incorrigible."
"By the way, we brought some of that coffee antimatter for you. For science."
And for the next three days, Twilight organized the inmates of Tartarus from 'Mostly Harmless' to 'Twitch In An Inappropriate Manner and I Will END You.' Completed all of Celestia's, Luna's, and her own quarterly paperwork... For the next three quarters, and set up a camping trip in the Everfree Woods by the tree of harmony for her and her friends. It was the perfect plan!
Ah, the good old Triple Distilled Coffee . The coffee so powerful you have to take it by the 1oz. shot glass lest your heart try to burst out of your chest.
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9049975
I swear to god all of you are light weights. I drink three pots of that a day.
The way I do it is grind my personal blend of Italian, Peruvian and Guatamalian beans, 1 cup each, along with 1 teaspoon of sugar. I then run the fresh ground beans through my coffee maker. When done I remove the grinds and place in my french press, then pour the fresh brewed coffee over it all, close the french press, place in the fridge. I prefer my coffee chilled. I then brew a new pot so that when I am done with what is in the french press new coffee will replace the old. At the end of the day, the grounds and coffee mixture get left in my french overnight in my fridge. Sometimes, I pick up a turbo esspresso shot and soak the grinds in that before placing the coffee within the french press. I may also have a cup of tea through out the day should I feel the need.
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I think you may have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a 'joke' is.
Coffee is my preferred drink, I like it strong.
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Nah, just wanted to share. Although I do wonder, with the triple distilled coffee wouldn’t it be easier to build a base double teir percolater with a mild decanter, then have the decanted run off go into a small chilled insulated thermos. That way you can get the best of both worlds. I mean if your going to go to all the trouble anyways. Cold brew tends to taste better while a percaltor tends to make the coffee stronger. Hell, on a day I have a migrane I grind two exedrin in with the beans and sugar then brew it as I said. Although I don’t tend to share that particular blend. Sorry, I really love coffee.
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Lol, no worries. I usually prefer either french press or percolated coffee myself, and will occasionally add a shot or two of espresso in with my mug if I want the extra kick.
I'm pretty basic.
Your method does sound delicious, but a bit too much work for me unless it was a day off.
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Yeah, it does require me to set it up the day before, but once the cycle begins it's mostly a matter of keeping the french press filled, and truth be told throughout the day I rarely change the grinds more than once. Sadly I do not own a percolator of my own and thus have to content myself with a conventional Coffee maker. My impatience with the french press is what led me to the method I currently use. Although I do sometimes do something that is a bit easier. After I grind my beans but before I place them in my coffee maker I take about a tablespoon of local honey, I prefer local that way it carries antibodies for whatever diseases are floating around, I mix the honey directly into the grinds, place within my coffee maker and brew normally. I prefer a reusable coffee filter for this, the paper tends to get a tad messy. Also I make sure that the water is hot before I put it in. That way the temperature variant on the first drip is as slight as possible. I tend to chill this mixture and call it sweet coffee but it is very tasty hot as well. Oh, leave the sugar out if you do this, otherwise this tends to get too sweet.
I'll take a large cup.
I'd say she's a born barrista.
“Well… free baby, I guess.” XD
Shiny and Cadance were hilarious.
And Chryssie is best babysitter.
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I feel like Chrysalis would have an unprecedented weakness for children.
But she would abduct said children, demand they stop crying, then conquer Canterlot Castle... Just to get them juice.
She's not an evil despot because she's in it to be evil.
She's an evil despot because it's the world's biggest case of Empty Nest Syndrome. If a child or two leaving leaves most mothers upset, what happens when you have an entire colony of thousands up and leave her care? Just the THREAT of all her children leaving drove her to the brink of insanity.
I WANT DRUGS
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I never drank coffee before (and never will). I find it a disgusting addiction that should be quelled at the earliest opportunity.
I recommend cocaine instead. It works much faster and you don't need much of it to replicate the effect of coffee. The side effects are
relativelyminor at best.9049975
It's also explains why Cadance is sitting on an ice pack, and Shining is in the hospital with a shattered pelvis and... friction burns.. >.>
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orig00.deviantart.net/53f9/f/2012/021/9/7/addams_ponies_by_drax99-d4n71kz.png
My only regret is that I can’t find a picture of Flurry Heart as Wednesday
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You see that is where you’re wrong. I’m not addicted to coffee. Everyone else has this strange addiction to breathing and if others want to continue doing so, especially if they want to indulge in that inane variant of it called talking, then I need my coffee. That way I won’t try and play gene pool life gaurd after the 115th idiotic hateful statement of the day. Besides Cocaine causes me to go maniac and then I build things, and nobody wants THAT.
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With the goofiest of smiles on his face.
So basically Chrysalis made Turkish coffee?
Somehow, I expected this story would be about the hyped-up couple taking out their extra energy on the hapless changeling between them. Much chitin shattering ensues.
It would conclude with Chrysalis being the strongest proponent of not letting the couple getting Uber-caffeinated again!
Real coffee involves chewing. And it wears down the enamel on your teeth.
"At his forelegs as he galloped in place at his forelegs." Maybe want to fix that?
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Yep! Fixed. Thanks!
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Three and a half pots of REGULAR COFFEE? half a cup of some of the strongest coldbrew per day. see how many heart attacks that gets ya.
Or, if you want to be able to actually sleep at night, don't. up to you, really.
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Where can I get that?
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Chameleon Coldbrew, you can get eight-ounce bottles at your local Whole Foods. Careful with your dosage though, the stuff's highly concentrate. I advise pouring some into your morning cereal.
Caramel flavour is best. Vanilla is good too, but Pecan is just nasty.
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Thank you, being someone who cant stay awake most of the time this is very useful.
i’d enjoy this more if i hadn’t lost feeling in my pinkie finger
god damn funny bone
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Insomnia over Narcolepsy, any time.
Uh...
What?
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I don’t like coffee.
This story gave me reason not to drink some anytime soon.
I love this story anyway.
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I'd drink to that.
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My friends! A toast! To Insomnia, and to Tartarus with Narcolepsy!
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AYE!!!
This reminds me of this one time I back when I was working in grounds at Six Flags Great Adventure, I guess circa 1997, when the automatic coffee dispenser in the employee cafeteria was not quite right one day. It poured forth this charcoal black liquid dense enough to stand a spoon up in.
Since I'd already paid for it, and it was a cool, rainy late spring day, I drank it anyway after dumping in enough sugar to make it palatable.
25 minutes later my heart rate was over 250 beats per minute and I was sweating profusely. I drank almost a gallon of water trying to flush it out of my system.
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it will help though, my usual two hour fix is one litre of ringtons coffee.
Hilarious and wonderful and full of YES. Grumpy Chrysalis is always a fun read.
Side note: I do not and never have required caffeine of any type to function, and I shudder to think how my ADHD brain would respond to such a concoction as Chrysalis made.
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I am a rapidly cycling bi-polar with extensive nerve and brain damage. Not to mention the chronic Headaches and Migranes. I react to Caffeine A LOT differently then everyone else. In me it acts as a mood stabilizer and pain killer. For me Coffee is the only reason some days that I can move at all. Hell, I used to eat three or four bags of chocolate covered espresso beans in a sitting. That was before I discovered that if you freeze them, you can grind them to powder soak the mixture in triple shot espresso, then add to a percolator, I preferred to brew the mixture in coffee. The percolator I used held about 3 average coffeepots of coffee. That would last me a day. The only reason I sleep 4 to 6 hrs is because I have a pot of regular coffee before I go to bed. I actually, have cut my intake by a fair amount. The coffee I get from Dunkin is an iced caramel, black, with 4 shots of turbo. Believe me, I have a high tolerance. Oh, I know what chysalis did, she made sludge, not coffee, that triple filtered thing that was through the one link was a step up called mud. Both are inefficient delivery systems. Might as well just snort a caffine pill, which I have done, don't reccomend it though, it was painful but did the job. I prefer Liquid Ecstasos. My coffee at my worst DID give my friend's father a panic attack followed by a heart attack. Although to be fair that was my bad day mix, not the one that I described above, and was magnitudes stronger. So take my comments through that lens. I am not normal and more than a little messed up.
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Join the bucking club. No, seriously. I have to deal with being so much smarter than the average human-or well, at least more logical-, that, sometimes, it is physically painful, having to deal with society's overarching stupidity. and that same intelligence has led to the spontanious development of several sentient entities, all of which only actually exist on paper, be it in writing or drawing, or on the inside of my head.
And to think people wonder why I can't concentrate worth a dam.
So as I started this rant, please, join the club.
catering serves various anti-psychotics, antidepressants, and anti-hallucinogenics as per requested.
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mix them. it will help. also, add milk if you have any love for your taste buds.
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First off, just reread my post. Realized it came off a little bitchy and eliteist. It has been an exceptionally long day and I'm still dealing with some of the fall out. So I responded with a bit more intensity then I should of, story of my life there. So if I was insulting or entitled, I didn't mean to be nor did I want to be. Gotta watch that. But still this story did make me want to build that double percolating decanter with the coldbrew/frenchpress resevior. Hmmmm... nope gotta be up for 6. Ah well don't have the materials for it anyway. Btw, my problem with sludge is you grind to powder which is good, but then you over boil the mixture which is bad, the problem with mud is that you concentrate which is good, but overprocess, which is bad. It's something that bothers me because then others get used to bad coffee and I dislike that. In my heart I want everyone to have nothing but good strong coffee that is strong but not bitter, caffinated but not tar. So everyone can feel the love that is a good cup of Joe. Again sorry if I came across like a deuce. Just been a long day. Plus a topic that I am excessively passionate about. Still I should know better.
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No problem, all is forgiven.
Although, now that I think about it, I'm actually considering making a 'Ponies with Problems' group. well, something along those lines.
If they sent a sample to Twilight, she'd send it back with a note saying something to the effect of "what kind of weak coffee is this?"