• Member Since 17th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

dragenfire68


T
Source

dead, alive, then dead again, that has been the never-ending cycle for Isaac and Co., when they are about to give up and give in, they find themselves offered a new choice, a new path, a new life, outside of this hell that they have known, adjusting will be difficult, for death, pain and suffering has been an ever loyal companion, and those that stalk the blood-soaked halls refuse to give up their toys.

BOI cross, DLC included.

Chapters (21)
Comments ( 76 )

So many errors and issues I can't even begin to count them.

9081871

by all means, give em too me

9081875
With all due respect, I wasn't understating. There are literally issues with every sentence and paragraph. You need an editor, and I don't have the time.

9081871

So many errors and issues I can't even begin to count them

With all due respect, I wasn't understating. There are literally issues with every sentence and paragraph. You need an editor, and I don't have the time.

if you don't have the time to even point out small issues then why say these?

An interesting read. Confused on whats it about, but interesting.

9081934

it is about Isaac and the rest of the living children escaping the cursed chest they are trapped in, but it wants them back.

9081910
Small issues I have the time for. But like I said, your ENTIRE STORY has countless flaws. I'm not spending the time to go through them all, and I'm not spending any more time replying to you. Have a nice day.

This is an intriguing concept for a story, though it could use some work in the editing department. If you would like, I could look it over for you and possibly fix it up.

9082027

that would be great, just tell me where to send it.

Since your one of the first people who are helpful with sorta thing.

I like this has some flaws by I’m turning a blind eye to see where this goes I’m following this for sure

9082036

whats its biggest flaw?

9082046
Syntax, punctuation, some capitalization.

"I'm cold, we need more flame, " moaned the bodiless spirit.

direct speech comma, sentence flow.

"Aye, we are here, Isaac, " answered the other ten (who?) in unison.

I can't even begin to figure out how to retain author words here, but never use numericals like that, you can't use 10 as a noun. But capitalization and punctuation are off again.

Direct speech of another actor always starts a new paragraph.

"Alright, so what is this about, Sparkle?"

A comma before name is missing once again, cap.

And so on, and so on...

If texts is cringe-worthy for an ESL, I can't imagine how bad it is for a native speaker.

Script-like designation of place and time of events is really a bad style if it is used through main body of text that often. It's better to use narrative speech to carry attention of reader from one place to another.

9082046
To me and I’m pretty sure it’s just me u think the packing is a little too fast

9082475

well, I would suppose so, but I wrote this with the expectation that people have watched/played enough Isaac to be able to keep up without a lot of information.

Cool, there aren't enough BOI stories. You really need an editor though

9082705
I pretty sure everyone has at one point it was just a little jarring

9082029
I'll just grab a text doc of this from here, then I'll PM you with the edited story.

9082029
Unless you mean for future chapters, because in that case, do you use google docs at all?

9083908

no, I don't use Google Docs.

9083860

well ill work to slow it down just enough

Where’s Lilith was my favorite character separated from group

9084621

in the beginning, she stayed behind with Apollyon, the keeper, and blue baby, to hold off the bosses while the others escaped

9089966

let us see if others share your opinion.

this story is excellent plz make more chapters:pinkiesmile:

Saw this in the “also liked” section of my story. Let’s see what ol Isaac’s Isaac’s do in pony land

They indeed do things.

Things indeed

I actually kinda like the idea of that ending

Will I have to play Binding of Isaac in order to understand this story?

9699637
Well it is a crossover

The writing and character reactions could be a little better, but eh. I've read way worse.

Of course. Shining Armor, Captain kf the guard, would not reasonably confront them. That's too much like common sense.

9740014

I do hope you read further, there is an explanation as to his reaction here

Almost a year without updates I honestly forgot what this story is about.

10216040
Isaac and co. Are trying to live thier lives outside of the chest.

Comment posted by Phara_mine deleted May 12th, 2020
Comment posted by Phara_mine deleted May 12th, 2020

Okay there's a lot of stuff I want to comment about.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive

I understand that Thorax's hive is the closest one but the way it's written, it's looks like Thorax has named hive after himself.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive, but progress is slow due to Psyker not being as strong as Byx, but she was swift,

Why are you starting in present but continuing in past? Make it the same tense.

but getting out of the city was easy, the environment is an impossible challenge

How getting out of the city can be easy if the environment is an impossible challenge? And once again switching tenses.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive, but progress is slow due to Psyker not being as strong as Byx, but she was swift, they made it out of the city before the first light of day touched the tallest tower, but getting out of the city was easy, the environment is an impossible challenge, the nearest way down was a thousand-foot vertical drop, while Psyker was certain she could do it on her own, she doubted that with Byx on her back, she would do more then splat on the rocks, instead she took the side trail down the mountain, one that was as old as canterlot itself.

Split this into few sentences. That's also will be a general advice for you, you really love one sentence blocks of text.

she would do more then splat on the rocks

Would do nothing more than maybe?

throat as it tightened in fear, for a Goat with a coat black as the night with massive horns, and piercing red eyes which watched her as she tried to slowly back away.

Make text after tightened in fear a new sentence and delete this "for".

Rays of light fell on Twilight's face, waking her gently, however, the glint of something in her eye caught her attention, soon she saw it was a sword, clutched to Isaac's chest

So Twilight sleeps with kids? Don't remember this being said before.

putting the spelling motion

Do you mean putting the spell in motion?

The room melted away, the first thing the noticed was that the room had no ceiling but instead a dark void, the next thing made Fluttershy shriek in terror, the dried corpse of Greed, though when he started to speak they listened as the children left the decision up to Isaac, who after a while, appeared as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened, the scene of Isaac accepting Greed's aid played out, causing The girls to look at Twilight, but they didn't say anything because when Twilight followed the children, the sounds that met them caused them extreme anxiety, unholy screams and cries echoed from the dark, most of them sounded like children, while there were also massive roars, thankfully or unfortunately, one child had to leave the others to clear out each room, but the echoing sounds of battle still caused extreme anxiety in the girls, especially when the sounds of crying proceeded an explosion, and each time a child came back, they had more and more blood, until it was the time for the worst part of the memory, because after Isaac's souls sheet was Teleported out, they heard the roar, and didn't noticed what they jumped into, when it was announced where they were, the sounds of vomit came from all the girls, again whether fortunately or unfortunately the vileness of the hellscape had platued, the heart of was next, but due to the horrible things they had seen up till now, they couldn't even be bothered to react, they simply wondered how much worst it could get, eventually they reached the cathedral, which gave the girls sighs of relief, at least until the screeching bloody babies appeared, which simply caused some of the girls to cover thier eyes and cry, at this time Luna broke the spell, which snapped the girls out of their stupor, as the sounds and light of equestria returned they each shook themselves, trying to shake off the disturbing sights of the chest.

Okay splitting this into sentences won't help, here you better to split this into a few blocks.

who after a while, appeared as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened

Put the comma after appeared.

"Equestria in danger, a powerful new foe, visiting Captial when messengers well. Thorax.

What? What does the second part of the first sentence means? Maybe it's my lack of knowledge but I really don't understand this visiting capital when messengers well.

And the story is a bit rushed sometimes. That's all for this chapter maybe I will write such a comment for previous chapters as well.

10229523

I'll keep that all in mind, and apply the recommendations

10229523

there, made the changes, as for the weird hiccups, sometimes Grammarly auto-corrects parts that it thinks are messages

10229614
I will read it later again, and yes auto corrections can be a pain in the ass.

Alright, you did improve this but there's still something that can be made.

First, don't forget to capitalise first letter when you split text into a few sentences.

This creature scared her and she wasn't sure if she would survive if she refused, so she nodded hoping that the creature would keep its end of the bargain, and it did, in a blink, she was in the throne room of Thorax's hive, but everything was muted, the shouts of the other changelings were muted as the world spun and then she lost consciousness,

Full stop at the end instead of comma.

Second, you don't have to start each sentence with another block.

Rays of light fell on Twilight's face, waking her gently, however, the glint of something in her eye caught her attention, soon she saw it was a sword, clutched to Isaac's chest, normally the sight of a child with a sword would have caused her panic, but this time she just chalked it up to the children's dark past, today she decided that she would let the others in on what she had gone through in the chest, for the last few days she had spoken little and laughed less, instead she jumped at small sounds in the dark and approached doors like there was something behind them, so she had them gathered in a small library a few doors down from where she and her kids were staying.

Here for example, change the comma after "gone through in the chest" into full stop. This way text will be a little bit easier and comfortable to read.

The room melted away, the first thing the noticed was that the room had no ceiling but instead a dark void, the next thing made Fluttershy shriek in terror, the dried corpse of Greed, though when he started to speak they listened as the children left the decision up to Isaac, who after a while, appeared, as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened, the scene of Isaac accepting Greed's aid played out, causing The girls to look at Twilight, but they didn't say anything because when Twilight followed the children, the sounds that met them caused them extreme anxiety, unholy screams and cries echoed from the dark, most of them sounded like children, while there were also massive roars, thankfully or unfortunately, one child had to leave the others to clear out each room, but the echoing sounds of battle still caused extreme anxiety in the girls, especially when the sounds of crying proceeded an explosion, and each time a child came back, they had more and more blood, until it was the time for the worst part of the memory.

The first thing they noticed. "as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened," this comma also could be changed into full stop. "caused them extreme anxiety," , "there were also massive roars," this ones as well.

because after Isaac's soul sheet was Teleported out, they heard the roar and didn't notice what they jumped into when it was announced where they were, the sounds of vomit came from all the girls, again whether fortunately or unfortunately the vileness of the hellscape had plateaued, the heart of was next, but due to the horrible things they had seen up till now, they couldn't even be bothered to react, they simply wondered how much worst it could get, eventually they reached the cathedral, which gave the girls sighs of relief, at least until the screeching bloody babies appeared, which simply caused some of the girls to cover their eyes and cry, at this time Luna broke the spell, which snapped the girls out of their stupor, as the sounds and light of Equestria returned they each shook themselves, trying to shake off the disturbing sights of the chest.

"how much worse it could get," this one also can be changed into a full stop for a better flow.

"My children, everything I went through down in there was for them, I couldn't bear the thought of them being forced to return to that place should anything ever happen to them," Twilight said, which caused the girls to freeze at the thought the each of the children had suffered down in that dark place, which like a blazing star going supernova drove out the darkness that being in the place had brought, instead they focused on how they would keep the children safe and happy, unknown to them as each one's resolve was cemented in her mind, the magic connection that Twilight had with her children appeared for each of the girls to theirs, invisible thanks to the fact they were not in the chest, while the girls had been collecting their thoughts, Luna had teleported to her room, the spell tired her out way more than she had anticipated, plus it was day time.

"keep the children safe and happy," ,"they were not in the chest," and this ones as well.

That's what I was talking about when I said split up text into more sentences.

Also nice to see that Satan is in the action as well.

Login or register to comment