Isaac's Box

by dragenfire68

The Soul Pt II

King Thorax has the closest eastern changling hive, but progress is slow due to Psyker not being as strong as Byx, but she is swift, they made it out of the city before the first light of day touched the tallest tower.

getting out of the city was the easy part, the environment outside is an impossible challenge, the nearest way down was a thousand-foot vertical drop, while Psyker was certain she could do it on her own, she doubted that with Byx on her back, she wouldn't do more then splat on the rocks, instead, she took the side trail down the mountain, one that was as old as canterlot itself.

"You're never going to make it at this rate," A deep smooth voice said from behind her, causing her to turn around, the sight made her breath hitch in her throat as it tightened in fear.

a Goat with a coat black as the night with massive horns, and piercing red eyes which watched her as she tried to slowly back away.

"G-Grogar, I-I see that you are R-revived," Psyker stammered, but the Goat's next action caused her to quake in greater fear, in a split second a peal of roaring laughter that sounded like a thousand voices echoed around her.

"I am not grogar, I am far beyond that old goat."

"T-Then w-what are you if your not Grogar?"

"You needn't know right now, instead you need a boon, and I am here to grant one seeing as your friend there is not long for this world, I'll send you where you need to go, but in return, I ask that you help me when the need calls for it."

This creature scared her and she wasn't sure if she would survive if she refused, so she nodded hoping that the creature would keep its end of the bargain, and it did, in a blink, she was in the throne room of Thorax's hive, but everything was muted, the shouts of the other changelings were muted as the world spun and then she lost consciousness.

*back at the castle*

Rays of light fell on Twilight's face, waking her gently, however, the glint of something in her eye caught her attention, soon she saw it was a sword, clutched to Isaac's chest, normally the sight of a child with a sword would have caused her panic, but this time she just chalked it up to the children's dark past, today she decided that she would let the others in on what she had gone through in the chest.

The last few days, she had spoken little and laughed less, instead, she jumped at small sounds in the dark and approached doors like there was something behind them, so she had them gathered in a small library a few doors down from where she and her kids were staying.

"I suppose its time to fill you girls in on what happened in that damned chest, be warned though, this tale is not for the light-hearted, those of you who don't think you can handle it feel free to leave, nopony here will think less of you," Twilight said, looking at each of her friends.

"We want to help you, so even I'll stay and listen," Fluttershy said.

"Thank you, but you won't just be listening, I called Luna here to help me by projecting the experience from my first-person point of view," Twilight said as Luna Teleported into the room, sitting next to twilight.

"I hope you girls are ready for this, It won't be pleasant," Luna warned before touching her horn to Twilight's forehead, putting the spell motion, silently thanking herself that the spell put her into a state where she couldn't bear witness to the events.

The room melted away, the first thing the noticed was that the room had no ceiling but instead a dark void, the next thing made Fluttershy shriek in terror, the dried corpse of Greed, though when he started to speak they listened as the children left the decision up to Isaac, who after a while appeared through a pearly white doorway they didn't notice had opened.

the scene of Isaac accepting Greed's aid played out, causing The girls to look at Twilight, but they didn't say anything because when Twilight followed the children, the sounds that met them caused them extreme anxiety.

unholy screams and cries echoed from the dark, most of them sounded like children, while there were also massive roars, thankfully or unfortunately, one child had to leave the others to clear out each room, but the echoing sounds of battle still caused extreme anxiety in the girls.

especially when the sounds of crying proceeded with an explosion and each time a child came back, they had more and more blood, until it was the time for the worst part of the memory.

because after Isaac's soul sheet was Teleported out, they heard the roar and didn't notice what they jumped into but when it was announced where they were, the sounds of vomit came from all the girls, again whether fortunately or unfortunately the vileness of the hellscape had plateaued, the heart of was next, but due to the horrible things they had seen up till now, they couldn't even be bothered to react, they simply wondered how much worse it could get, eventually they reached the cathedral, which gave the girls sighs of relief, at least until the screeching bloody babies appeared, which simply caused some of the girls to cover their eyes and cry, at this time Luna broke the spell, which snapped the girls out of their stupor, as the sounds and light of Equestria returned they each shook themselves, trying to shake off the disturbing sights of the chest.

"Now I understand why you ignored us when you came from the chest, and why Celestia destroyed her regalia, but how do you sleep at night after that," Rainbow said first as the girls mulled over what they saw.

"My children, everything I went through down in there was for them, I couldn't bear the thought of them being forced to return to that place should anything ever happen to them," Twilight said, which caused the girls to freeze at the thought the each of the children had suffered down in that dark place, which like a blazing star going supernova drove out the darkness that being in the place had brought, instead they focused on how they would keep the children safe and happy.

unknown to them as each one's resolve was cemented in her mind, the magic connection that Twilight had with her children appeared for each of the girls to theirs, invisible thanks to the fact they were not in the chest.

while the girls had been collecting their thoughts, Luna had teleported to her room, the spell tired her out way more than she had anticipated, plus it was day time.

The silence was broken by the sound of popping as a scroll magically fell out of the air in front of her, it was written in a strange material that she recognized as a special paper that comes from Thorax's changling hive, but this stuff is only used for emergencies or incredibly important matters, but she soon found out when she read because written in it was a small message.

"Equestria in danger, a powerful new foe. Thorax.

Comments

[Phara_mine]

Okay there's a lot of stuff I want to comment about.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive

I understand that Thorax's hive is the closest one but the way it's written, it's looks like Thorax has named hive after himself.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive, but progress is slow due to Psyker not being as strong as Byx, but she was swift,

Why are you starting in present but continuing in past? Make it the same tense.

but getting out of the city was easy, the environment is an impossible challenge

How getting out of the city can be easy if the environment is an impossible challenge? And once again switching tenses.

King Thorax is the closest eastern changling hive, but progress is slow due to Psyker not being as strong as Byx, but she was swift, they made it out of the city before the first light of day touched the tallest tower, but getting out of the city was easy, the environment is an impossible challenge, the nearest way down was a thousand-foot vertical drop, while Psyker was certain she could do it on her own, she doubted that with Byx on her back, she would do more then splat on the rocks, instead she took the side trail down the mountain, one that was as old as canterlot itself.

Split this into few sentences. That's also will be a general advice for you, you really love one sentence blocks of text.

she would do more then splat on the rocks

Would do nothing more than maybe?

throat as it tightened in fear, for a Goat with a coat black as the night with massive horns, and piercing red eyes which watched her as she tried to slowly back away.

Make text after tightened in fear a new sentence and delete this "for".

Rays of light fell on Twilight's face, waking her gently, however, the glint of something in her eye caught her attention, soon she saw it was a sword, clutched to Isaac's chest

So Twilight sleeps with kids? Don't remember this being said before.

putting the spelling motion

Do you mean putting the spell in motion?

The room melted away, the first thing the noticed was that the room had no ceiling but instead a dark void, the next thing made Fluttershy shriek in terror, the dried corpse of Greed, though when he started to speak they listened as the children left the decision up to Isaac, who after a while, appeared as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened, the scene of Isaac accepting Greed's aid played out, causing The girls to look at Twilight, but they didn't say anything because when Twilight followed the children, the sounds that met them caused them extreme anxiety, unholy screams and cries echoed from the dark, most of them sounded like children, while there were also massive roars, thankfully or unfortunately, one child had to leave the others to clear out each room, but the echoing sounds of battle still caused extreme anxiety in the girls, especially when the sounds of crying proceeded an explosion, and each time a child came back, they had more and more blood, until it was the time for the worst part of the memory, because after Isaac's souls sheet was Teleported out, they heard the roar, and didn't noticed what they jumped into, when it was announced where they were, the sounds of vomit came from all the girls, again whether fortunately or unfortunately the vileness of the hellscape had platued, the heart of was next, but due to the horrible things they had seen up till now, they couldn't even be bothered to react, they simply wondered how much worst it could get, eventually they reached the cathedral, which gave the girls sighs of relief, at least until the screeching bloody babies appeared, which simply caused some of the girls to cover thier eyes and cry, at this time Luna broke the spell, which snapped the girls out of their stupor, as the sounds and light of equestria returned they each shook themselves, trying to shake off the disturbing sights of the chest.

Okay splitting this into sentences won't help, here you better to split this into a few blocks.

who after a while, appeared as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened

Put the comma after appeared.

"Equestria in danger, a powerful new foe, visiting Captial when messengers well. Thorax.

What? What does the second part of the first sentence means? Maybe it's my lack of knowledge but I really don't understand this visiting capital when messengers well.

And the story is a bit rushed sometimes. That's all for this chapter maybe I will write such a comment for previous chapters as well.

[dragenfire68]

10229523

I'll keep that all in mind, and apply the recommendations

[dragenfire68]

10229523

there, made the changes, as for the weird hiccups, sometimes Grammarly auto-corrects parts that it thinks are messages

[Phara_mine]

10229614
I will read it later again, and yes auto corrections can be a pain in the ass.

[Phara_mine]

Alright, you did improve this but there's still something that can be made.

First, don't forget to capitalise first letter when you split text into a few sentences.

This creature scared her and she wasn't sure if she would survive if she refused, so she nodded hoping that the creature would keep its end of the bargain, and it did, in a blink, she was in the throne room of Thorax's hive, but everything was muted, the shouts of the other changelings were muted as the world spun and then she lost consciousness,

Full stop at the end instead of comma.

Second, you don't have to start each sentence with another block.

Rays of light fell on Twilight's face, waking her gently, however, the glint of something in her eye caught her attention, soon she saw it was a sword, clutched to Isaac's chest, normally the sight of a child with a sword would have caused her panic, but this time she just chalked it up to the children's dark past, today she decided that she would let the others in on what she had gone through in the chest, for the last few days she had spoken little and laughed less, instead she jumped at small sounds in the dark and approached doors like there was something behind them, so she had them gathered in a small library a few doors down from where she and her kids were staying.

Here for example, change the comma after "gone through in the chest" into full stop. This way text will be a little bit easier and comfortable to read.

The room melted away, the first thing the noticed was that the room had no ceiling but instead a dark void, the next thing made Fluttershy shriek in terror, the dried corpse of Greed, though when he started to speak they listened as the children left the decision up to Isaac, who after a while, appeared, as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened, the scene of Isaac accepting Greed's aid played out, causing The girls to look at Twilight, but they didn't say anything because when Twilight followed the children, the sounds that met them caused them extreme anxiety, unholy screams and cries echoed from the dark, most of them sounded like children, while there were also massive roars, thankfully or unfortunately, one child had to leave the others to clear out each room, but the echoing sounds of battle still caused extreme anxiety in the girls, especially when the sounds of crying proceeded an explosion, and each time a child came back, they had more and more blood, until it was the time for the worst part of the memory.

The first thing they noticed. "as a pearly white doorway they didn't notice opened," this comma also could be changed into full stop. "caused them extreme anxiety," , "there were also massive roars," this ones as well.

because after Isaac's soul sheet was Teleported out, they heard the roar and didn't notice what they jumped into when it was announced where they were, the sounds of vomit came from all the girls, again whether fortunately or unfortunately the vileness of the hellscape had plateaued, the heart of was next, but due to the horrible things they had seen up till now, they couldn't even be bothered to react, they simply wondered how much worst it could get, eventually they reached the cathedral, which gave the girls sighs of relief, at least until the screeching bloody babies appeared, which simply caused some of the girls to cover their eyes and cry, at this time Luna broke the spell, which snapped the girls out of their stupor, as the sounds and light of Equestria returned they each shook themselves, trying to shake off the disturbing sights of the chest.

"how much worse it could get," this one also can be changed into a full stop for a better flow.

"My children, everything I went through down in there was for them, I couldn't bear the thought of them being forced to return to that place should anything ever happen to them," Twilight said, which caused the girls to freeze at the thought the each of the children had suffered down in that dark place, which like a blazing star going supernova drove out the darkness that being in the place had brought, instead they focused on how they would keep the children safe and happy, unknown to them as each one's resolve was cemented in her mind, the magic connection that Twilight had with her children appeared for each of the girls to theirs, invisible thanks to the fact they were not in the chest, while the girls had been collecting their thoughts, Luna had teleported to her room, the spell tired her out way more than she had anticipated, plus it was day time.

"keep the children safe and happy," ,"they were not in the chest," and this ones as well.

That's what I was talking about when I said split up text into more sentences.

Also nice to see that Satan is in the action as well.

[dragenfire68]

10229899

hows it now?

[Phara_mine]

10231605
Yep looks good, still, look through and capitalise first letters of some block, otherwise try to keep up like this