• Member Since 14th Jul, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Gundamfan


A fan of GIANT military mechs, ponies, video games, ECT.

E

After the "fun" you and Rainbow had last night, tonight wasn't going as good for you. A terrible nightmare is haunting you, and you find sleep impossible. Thankfully, Rainbow is here for you.
(For people suffering from nightmares, or having trouble sleeping)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )

Wow, I actually created a story ( it's not on FIMfiction yet XD ) that is actually the complete opposite of this XD

Rainbow is stuck with a couple other random characters, including the Pony of Shadows, in a never ending nightmare with Dr. Mangle and Nurse Splatter chasing them lol 😆 Hence the name: "My Little Pony: NightMARES" XD

Your story is a lot more comfortable than mine is. 😃

9046095
:pinkiehappy: What did you enjoy about it? I'm new to story telling.

You should probably capitalize the title.

Funny thing is, i actually had a thunderstorm last night! :rainbowlaugh:

9048667
its capitalized.

9049230
Well, it’s is now, it wasn’t last night.

9049286
I guess I went to bed when you checked last night. sorry, its fixed now.

9049348
It’s all right, easy mistake.

9049431
Hows the actual story? I recently started having RD as an imaginary girlfriend i guess, and I usually imagine me and her spending time together to help me relax if im anxious, or going to bed, and a friend of mine aid I need to write this down

9049458
Well, slice of life isn’t really my type of genre, but it’s pretty good. Just one thing I have a probelm with is he weird spacing.

The next night after the night you and Rainbow first had "Fun", you two had stayed up watching YouTube videos on your laptop. You wanted to show Rainbow your favorite comedy channels, like "Messyourself" and "The gaming lemon", (Seriously, look them up.) and she was in tears from laughing so much. The last one you watched was horror-themed, and you would later on regret it.

"There. better"? You ask her. Rainbow dash looks behind you and smiles. "Better. my wings feel great. what about you"? Your back felt incredible as well. Leaning against the hard wooden head of your bed while lying on your back was making it sore. "Incredible. I never would have guessed you could be such a good massage therapist." You say grinning."Yeah, I guess its because I love you so much." She leans in to kiss your lips gently. You lay your palm against her soft furry cheek, while her hooves rest against your cheek and around your neck.

These being two examples where the spacing is off. Either, they could be made one paragraph, or multiple with the proper double spacing in between

Well, my grammar is pretty bad. I guess i need to check out that page on grammar aid.

Oh god. It's romance and slice-of-life, but I said I'd take a peek and I will be doing just that. I don't renege on my words.

Right off the bat the title of the chapter isn't even structured correctly. This doesn't inspire much confidence, if any.
*It's okay. I'm here for you.

The next night after the night you and Rainbow first had "Fun", you two had stayed up watching YouTube videos on your laptop.
You wanted to show Rainbow your favorite comedy channels, like "Messyourself" and "The gaming lemon", (Seriously, look them up.) and she was in tears from laughing so much. The last one you watched was horror-themed, and you would later on regret it.

Extremely clunky. 'The next night after the night that'. Just say 'The night after'. The message in parentheses is also bad. Remove that and put it in the author's notes if needed.

"Regret it"
Don't tell the reader what they're meant to feel or what to expect afterwards. That's lazy story-telling. Just mention some elements of the horror theme, for example. The spacing is also a problem. They can all be in one paragraph.

Dialogue needs to be separated to a separate line, and you don't need so many spaces between the paragraphs and the dialogue sections. Keep the spacing the same.

Slowly, you both drift off to sleep. An hour later, thoughts of that horror game video you watched start flooding in,

the game being "

There's a spacing issue here.

You hear a small creak coming from your window, and you frantically look over to see nothing there looking in.

Also clunky. Be more creative in this sense. "You look over to see that...only your imagination gave life to the emptiness outside." A bit heavy, but it's just an example. You can do better than what I did just now.

you thinking???

Don't punctuate so much. Just one.

You know damn well you weren't into horror. But you went through with it anyway, despite Rainbows protest saying otherwise.

The sentences can be linked via 'but'.

efused; not liking other people, err, ponies touching your stuff.

I see what you tried to do here. "Not liking other peopl-err, ponies, touching your stuff" That flows better.

"Come here." Her wings and fore legs open up to you, and you scoot closer, her wings and hooves wrapping around you. You wrap your arms around her, and whisper sorry to her. She looks at you with sympathy. "I know. Its ok. We all make stupid decisions sometimes." She chuckles.

Lumpy. Lots of repetition here, specifically with the wrapping limbs. Use different words. Apply variety. Also, sympathetically is a word. 'Teh moar yu kno'.

"Its alright. The storms almost over.

*It's, and *storm's.
In the second's case, it's more jargon speak than proper grammar, but since this is speech, it works.


Yeah. I can see why people don't like your stories. It's due to your lack of experience with writing more than anything. You have trouble with structuring your paragraphs and sentences and don't know that dialogue remains separate at all times. You need more experience and constructive criticism. Unfortunately, you need to use groups for that now. No one comments on stories anymore...

The first two dialogue sentences don't capitalize after the first period as well. Oh, and because I saw this several times throughout, you're using 'its' wrong (Took me a while to understand why it's the only words to be the opposite of common english grammar :/).

Its: Possessive form of 'it'.
It's: Contraction of 'it is'.
Why? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF *flips hands upwards*

Your dialogue and descriptions are also lumpy. You tend to repeat the same thing several times. Authors get around this by using different terms, for example. Comparative terminology works, too. Instead of 'hooves' and 'wings', if you want to keep that wrapping thing, you could mention her 'limbs' wrapping around or closing around. Your latter fics fix the spacing at least.

I can tell that you wanted the dialogue to be cutesy, but it's essentially just repeating the same things over and over again. Descriptions are meant to give them value, but you seem to drag on the fear that doesn't go beyond Rainbow cuddling. This might be just my hatred of slice-of-life and romance talking, but there isn't much here. You had a concept but you didn't go far beyond the cuddling, honestly.

For people that love cuddling, it could be cute at least.

9750823
I'll take it as a yes.

9750823
Well, if its that bad, what should I do?

9751053
This group is a good place to start. They even have a discord, and when you have trouble a few speak up to help you.

Other things you can do is look up story structuring and how to write dialogue. There's too many different kinds of guides on google for me to choose any one, as several have different ways of approaching story structure. It also depends on if you're a pantser like me or a planner.

9751089
Ok. I think until I can improve, I should stop writing.

9751166
No! That's the worst thing to do. Keep writing and share it to other groups you might find. Try and find those willing to give you reviews, like that you'll see how you progress. If you keep doing the same mistakes they'll point it out, and eventually it'll stick.

If you stop writing altogether you'll eventually forget everything and possibly be even worse when you write once again. If you really don't trust yourself, then just write fun short stories. That's easiest for people because they don't have to go through novel-sized stories -like mine- to give you criticism.

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