• Member Since 8th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen January 5th

Vozzlefox


There's no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough. Even the dull ones will make a mark.


T

Lately Fluttershy has been hard to reach. She has been staying in her house for the last couple of days. Her mind flooding with thoughts and emotions about one of her close friends. Can she come to grips with herself and admit her affection to her crush or will she get lost in her emotions?

At the same time Rarity has been having trouble with keeping up with work and having to take care of her little sister. What will happen when she reveals their tragic secret to her friends?

(Authors note: This is a sad romance story about Fluttershy and Rarity. The story will be told from their viewpoints.
This is the first fan fiction I have written and it might contain some grammatical errors. I am always open for
suggestions and remarks. I hope you have a good time reading this story.)

(PS: The adventure tag only applies to later chapters.)

Chapters (25)
Comments ( 378 )

This is solid raw material - especially for a first attempt - but you'd do well to get a proofreader to look over future submissions. Most of the mistakes are minor and common (not capitalizing proper nouns, incorrect homophones, improper contractions, mistakes with pluralization). This is the same stuff that trips up native English speakers. Your story is a good start it just needs a bit of polishing.

Pretty nice story, but... English isn't my native either, but I see some errors which I would fix with ease.
58960
These errors.


Speaking of errors... Myself I think that my worst side is... English grammar. I can handle spelling pretty well, but grammar is well... bad. :pinkiesad2:

Altair is correct. Your grammar needs a little help, but the story you're telling is sound.

Rarity & Fluttershy are just perfect for one another, romances about them are my very favourite! (At least until somepony writes one about Rarity & Celestia...)

I just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to read and comment on the first chapter.
The examples that you gave me are mistakes that i facepalm at myself for.

Anyway i hope you enjoyed it.

this was pretty interesting, tracked :pinkiehappy:

59046 you meen facehoof?:raritywink: loved the story, good stuff in there cant wait for more!!!:twilightsmile:

Nice concept, but you really need to work on your spelling and grammar, as others have mentioned.

As mentioned in the author's note i have rewritten the chapter with some help from a friend.
I do hope that people who have read it before the changes consider re-reading it.
It's far from perfect but it's alot better.

*Golden Brohoof*

59138 Wow Thank you so much. :rainbowkiss:

58984

I skipped a comma, as well. The karma I get for trying to critique via cell phone :derpytongue2:

There you go chapter 2.

After writing the first chapter I felt like I got a bit off character with some of the mane six so
I tried to improve that in this one. I hope you like it. :yay:

I'm pretty sure im going to have to add a dark tag to this one eventually.
Please dont hate me for hurting Pinkie :pinkiesad2:

59203
Fluttershy is (still) not capitalized, like if it's common like a river. It should be capitalized, since it's name (eg. Vistula).

59203
First line, more exactly.

fluttershy's bedroom.

59203
And some other stuff. Eg. rainbows house.

You meant RD?

Then it should be Rainbow's house.

I'll guess English isn't your native?

Ah yes, Thank you so much for pointing those out.
And no, english is not my native language.

You would not believe how much time I spend double-checking every
nuon for a capital but I still miss a bunch of them.

60330
>is not
It's not mine, either (it's second language, ie. first not-native).

/brohoof anyway :pinkiehappy:

The next day.


SISTERHOOVES SOCIAL AGAIN? "You gon' eat that?"

omfg. :duck::duck::duck::raritywink::raritywink::raritywink:

Chapter 2 has now officially been revised.

I don't know why I keep posting these before double-checking everything.
I'll blame it on my lack of patience. :facehoof:

Much better now! Still some errors, but I see a definite improvement. :twilightsmile:

There you go Chapter 3.

I am really happy with how this chapter eventually turned out.
I had some doubts while writing it but when I re-read it afterwards I was satisfied.
Writing these chapters is turning out to be even more fun than reading them.

I hope you enjoy it. :yay:

I absolutely demand that you unleash more chapters in a completely unreasonably short amount of time. :pinkiecrazy:

Not really. Take your time with these but know that it's indeed very satisfying and fun with very little mistakes. :twilightsmile:

61715

Thank you so much! I was looking for some motivation.
:yay::unsuresweetie::raritywink:

Awww!! This is such a good story! You have really good ideas but i think there are a few little bits in there that could do with a touch up. Like when Fluttershy arrives at the library and there is no mention of anyone apart from Sweetie, Rarity and Twilight; yet in the next few lines Applejack and Rainbow just seem to have either arrived or appeared. Few spelling and grammar issues but you did say English isnt your first language. So apart from those few things this was another great chapter! Keep it up!

Scratch that bit with AJ and Rainbow. Confound these pony fics! They drive me to sleep deprivation...:applejackconfused:

There you go chapter 4.

YAY RARISHY! :yay::raritywink:

That is all.
I hope you enjoy it.

I couldn't have enjoyed it more! Such a touching story to help lift the mood.:heart:
Especially as I sit here ill. :pinkiesick:

Finally! Onto RariShy! Dont make it too cloppy now...:twilightsheepish:

You just keep getting better and better at this! Keep up the great work. <^^>

i could only think of one word to describe this chapter:

d'awwwwwwww

63407
That was my main concern while writing the last scene. :twilightsheepish:
But I felt it was necessary to carry the weight of the moment. :twilightsmile:

63255
Glad I could help. :pinkiesmile:
I hope you will be better soon.

63551
You are most kind, thank you. :twilightsmile:

63498
Good to hear. :rainbowkiss:
I have been spending alot of time practicing my english
and creative writing. Thank you. :pinkiesmile:

P.S: I am suffering from a massive writer's block at the moment. :raritydespair:
So I can't promise the next chapter will be released tommorow. (Please don't hate me. :pinkiesad2:)
Of course I will try my best.

P.P.S: How the hell do you get rid of writer's block!? :flutterrage:

63612
The only way I know of getting past writer's block is to think of where you want the story to go and force yourself to slowly get there.

"I have been taking care of her ever since.." Rarity managed to whisper in between her snickering.

That last word, 'snickering', is an unfortunate choice. it means a suppressed laugh and is usually used when somepony is being mean. Sort of took me out of the 'OMG sad' scene.

No judgement, just FYI :pinkiehappy:

I'm thrilled to see how much cleaner your writing has become. It's always a shame when your readers lose the story to a simple typo - and this is a wonderful story!

I noticed a major improvement on the grammar and spelling this time around. Keep up the good work.
Great chapter as always!
and oh, yes: D'awwww. :twilightsmile:

64009

:facehoof:
Damn the language barrier!
Thanks for pointing that out.

There you go chapter 5.

I apologize that it's a bit shorter then the others.
This chapter was inspired by the song Evergreen - David Mikhail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fBHUfD4pgk&feature=channel_video_title
I encourage you to check out his music.

I hope you enjoy it. :pinkiehappy:

I. LOVE. THIS. STORY!!! You definitely have a gift despite not having the very best English language skills i honestly cant tell! Cant wait for moar!

I remember the first time I brought my wife flowers. It was at the clinic where she worked. She told me the other ladies all scolded their husbands after that - none of them had ever done that!

Small gripe: plural of "pony" is "ponies." Apostrophes are only used to pluarlize acronyms. Like "CD's."

65204

How did I not notice that :raritydespair:
Well im off to read every chapter and change the pony's into ponies.

And thanks, that made me smile. :pinkiehappy:

i d'awwwed

but when will Sweetie Belle hear of this?

65392
I honestly don't know yet :unsuresweetie:
I usually just write what ever comes to mind.

Don't worry though, I'll try to steer it into that direction. :raritywink:

So much dawwwww <333

There you go chapter 6. :twilightsmile:
Not much to say besides
I hope you enjoy it. :yay::unsuresweetie::raritywink:

Been following this story intensely, i love it!

The story and reactions are pretty believable and comes togther in a brilliant way.

Also loving that WOW reference :pinkiehappy:

I WILL SHOW YOU THE JUSTICE OF THE GRAVE AND THE TRUE MEANING OF FEAR!

Hnnnnnnnngg! Heart attack and diabetes inbound:twilightoops:

Due to personal matters there will be no new chapter tommorow :fluttershysad:
I'll need to figure out where I want all of this to go. :applejackunsure:
There will most likely be a new chapter on friday.

*Brohoof*

66831

I just wanted to thank you for your kind comment and support. :twilightsmile:
You were the first person to fav my story back in the begining. :yay:
And yay someone got the reference! :pinkiehappy:

There you go, Chapter 6. :yay::unsuresweetie::raritywink:

I hope you enjoy it. :pinkiesmile:

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