• Member Since 19th Oct, 2016
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Samedi of the Spore


Let the Bell of the Gods toll the honoured dead!

Comments ( 47 )

Looks good so far, hope too see more of this in the future :)

This... went in a direction I wasn't expecting. :unsuresweetie:

Whether that's a good thing or not remains to be seen, but for now, I am thoroughly interested and will track. Please do continue. :pinkiesmile:

Well, I like the artistic license you took here, but at the end, it felt a bit rushed. "You have family?" - "No." - "OK, now we're your family!" - "Yay!". Does Twilight have amnesia, or is she simply not telling them who and what she is? Why is she not surprised when when seeing them, a completely different species? How is she moving with her new body and not freaking out about it? (i guess you could attribute the latter to shock) Does she trust them, just like that?

9045072
This. It is a great tart though. The first part was pushing along nicely untill you got to the clinic then it was like fast forward.

*Sighs*

Yet another story with a premise that holds so much potential... yet is ultimately ruined by the author ultimately rushing through things rather than hashing out the necessary and important details necessary for a proper setup, and ultimately conducting themselves in a manner that suggests they believe they're going to corner the fandom market on the latest, brand new, never before seen idea, and have to be the first to present it before anyone else has the chance at presenting the same idea, even if they have to sacrifice quality in the name of being first. Being the next big thing isn't done through speed, but through quality, I don't care what Rainbow Dash says.

It's this sort of conduct that gave us DC characters like the Ten-Eyed Man, Stilt Man, Crazy Quilt, and Egghead, just to name a few.

9045708
I'm sorry. I wrote this at two in the morning, and don't have a beta to help me stay on track. Look, I get it. I really do. Personally, I don't care if I'm 'the next big fandom hit'. This was born from the mind of a sleep-deprived college student who had an idea and thought he could somehow make it not complete shit.

9045072

9045154
I'll go back over it today. Word of a raptor: do NOT write when you're awake at two in the morning.

Well, this is interesting. It seems like you are taking the entire "repressed destructive monster inside" that was Ichigo whole thing in the original Bleach and giving it to Twilight, combined with some ACTUAL terrible thing that happened because of it (killing your parents vs what? Just coming out from time to time to save Ichigo's ass? Even the more shocking of Hollow Ichigo interventions against Ulquiorra never did any lasting damage to his friends). That is a good foundation for some great drama.

Talking about drama, I am so happy that your version of Ichigo actually knows what the hell he is. Such a dumb way to keep tension and mystery on the original story. The only issue I can see about this is that Ichigo with full understanding of his powers is like 5 tiers above everything else in the verse (not counting Yhwach after his multiple godlike power-ups).

I suppose that a way to clear that issue would be to have a more well rounded (both physically and mentally) Ichigo NOT taking the absurdly risky training that helped him archive so many powerups in cannon and attempt to clear his battles trough strategy and teamwork (so for example, no Bankai during the Soul Society arc, but a tag team Ichigo/Twilight vs Byakuya). That would clear the main issues Bleach has in his battles (the complete irrelevance of anyone not called Ichigo and the amount of powerups the characters take out of their asses) while keeping with the friendship motif of MLP, a win/win move.

In general, I recommend doing a good plan of how your story will be, from beginning to end, then giving it a sanity check (make sure it doesn't require the characters being complete idiots to happen as you planned). Once you have that structure in check, you can go crazy fleshing it up.

As an aside, you got my hopes up by naming Tatsuki, please PLEASE don't crush them by sidelining her.

9052571
Personally, I wish Shiro wasn't portrayed as he is in Bleach. He's the reason Ichigo can even win half his fights, and despite time and again threatening to take over Ichigo's soul at the smallest opportunity, he never actually attempts it, unless it's to make sure Ichigo isn't way in over his head. Also, since I'm going with the idea that the Seireitei made sure to know that, yes, a former taicho is currently living in Karakura town, and his children do have natural spiritual powers, it won't be ol' Strawberry-chan who near gets Rukia executed.

Ichigo won't be an overpowered god (though, considering one translation of Shinigami is literally Death God, he kinda is one by default), but I'm not going to weaken him. Shinigami are powerful, with even an eleventh seat able to do a lot of damage.

And I would NEVER sideline Tatsuki. She's my favourite out of Ichigo's friends, and one I wish was focused on more. Orihime was a coward, Chad was either OP and hesitant or weak but foolhardy, and Uryu is a prick.

9052584
Really nice to know, that leaves me much more interested in the following chapters.

I agree with your thoughts on Hollow Ichigo (I do prefer the "nameless" or even just Zangetsu over Shiro to be honest). Kubo does a really bad job in depicting why Ichigo is so hesitant to accept his Hollow side given how much of a nanny he acts as during the entire story.

My main issue and worry with Ichigo's powers is that on every arc he goes trough an stupidly dangerous training that never backfires on him (damn strawberry should go to the casino, he would leave loaded) and powers him up to the point he can fight the current enemies, which also means that when either his hollow, or even his quincy, powers intervene his power level spirals out of control.

As long as you remember that Ichigo no longer has an ace in the hole (because he already has all his aces in his hand), and prepare the fights with that in mind, I think you will be fine.

Hey, give some love to the cannon tagalongs. Chad just is hated by Kubo, who uses him as a punching bag to show how dangerous and powerful are the "real" bosses of the arc, and Orihime has a really interesting power that is horrifically abused by Kubo in the most uninteresting way. Plus having Tatsuki around will help her a lot in the "do something for your damm life girl" part, Orihime and Tatsuki do have a nice chemistry and can push each other to be better.

Uryu is stil a prick.

9052795
Aye. The reason I don't like Orihime or Chad is how they get portrayed. Honestly, at first, Chad was a character I liked, but then he just got to be annoying when here he had all this strength, but was so damn hesitant to do anything, Orihime I like because she seemed like she would be the character who could very well take over as the main character if they did an arc without Ichigo as the focus, but then they made her the medic, and then the damsel in distress, but she has the capability to reject the will of Kami. Hence why Tatsuki is my favourite of the lot. She doesn't take bullshit from anyone, yet can be the shoulder to cry on when needed. She's strong, but knows that isn't always the answer. Yet she gets sidelined as soon as Ichigo decides he's gonna bumrush the Gotei 13 with a Quincy, a cat, a Fullbringer, and whatever the fuck Orihime is.

And yeah, Uryu will forever be "that honour-obsessed prick" to me. Honestly, I wanted Mayuri to kill him, but apparently the story needed him for some reason.

when can we expect the next chapter?

9093349
I'm working on it, I swear. Things are kinda... hectic. Especially since I keep getting sick from breathing in smoke from all the fires here in California.

9170494
Look, I'm currently stuck doing paperwork for a county job and struggling in a college algebra course. I'll work on it soon. I swear.

9249969
I apologize, friend. I, sadly, do not speak the language of love, and so have no bloody idea what you just said.

twilight it will be more type sword fight or mage like ishida it could also be heal

9252215
Honestly, I was planning on Twilight being a swordmage.

Good so far but just wondering if twilight is going to go back to equestria at some point

definatly finish the story

Uwah! Don't reveal my thoughts!

Look, I'm currently toying with the idea of Twilight returning to Equestria, but nothing is concrete yet.

I am pleasantly surprised with this chapter. I honestly was dreading that this story would join the legions of "interesting ideas that are abandoned after a single chapter".


Well, lets get to the review in order:


Well, Twilight has a lot of nicknames. The Buruberi one was really amusing, though I would have put the explanation of that one at the beginning :trollestia:


You have a serious case of "telling, instead of showing". You just drop way too much information, that should be explained trough situations and character interactions. For example, in the Tatsuki vs Ichigo fight, instead of telling us she has a fullbring, you could have described their fighting going slightly superhuman and commenting the moments that Tatsuki uses her power to keep up. You could also have described their smiles or eyes while they are fighting, as proof of their bonds and how they communicate and learn from their opponents.

Dropping the info about Chad is another example of way too much information. Chad is completely irrelevant in this chapter and it would be much better to show him using his powers in another chapter. Just telling us "oh yeah, he has a fullbring" is not that good storytelling. You are giving a story, not reading a databook.


The Yuki scene does have some problems. Remember, Ichigo does know about his powers, Spirits, Hollows, and Shinigami. He knows how important is a Shinigami job and how dangerous is to leave a soul just there. Not helping Yuki to pass on is extremely irresponsible, specially if it is a friend of Twilight, since it endangers both. You also repeat info. If you give us the info that Yuki died some years ago and the info that she is Twilight friend, you then don't have to say again that she is Twilights friend who died some years ago.


This and Rukia scenes are examples of you following cannon when it is not completely logical. You obviously have no problem with doing your own thing, but you have to remember that the changes you have made make some cannon events illogical. Ichigo has a lot of battle experience, used to fighting multiple Hollows, this one should give him absolutely no problem. Hell, even Rukia should be able to take it out easily, as long as she is not facetanking attacks to save someone else (and you remember that Kubo is horrible with powerlevels so you should reevaluate all his match-ups).

In this case, what you should do is to keep in mind what you want from the scene (to have Twilight awaken her powers and to present Rukia to the siblings) and then think a logical way for that to happen. For example, you could have Twilight take a quick night stroll (maybe she had a bad nightmare and needed some fresh air, or you can throw subtlety through the window and have Gin bait her) and there be attacked by the Hollow-meet Rukia. Then after Twilight gets rid of the Hollow, have Ichigo arrive. That way you end with the same end result, but you don't have to give Ichigo a dumb loss.


I also have a quick question about Twilight power. She effectively became a Shinigami, but is she in her physical body or she became a spirit? That is kinda important. If she is still in her physical body then Rukia hand-waving it as a really weird fullbring that takes a lot from the Shinigami in her life makes sense. If not, then it is DEFINITELY not something to be taken that lightly. Normal people's souls definitely do not leave their bodies that easily (At least safely).


Now the last point, Aizen and his followers. This is pure writing GENIUS. You immediately addressed the elephant in the room (Twilight getting powers) and showed that it IS an important and you ARE thinking about it. If you are going to add something that is so outside the norm, you should always address it and underline that it is outside the norm. If you don't, it feels like an ass-pull and you lose the focus of what mysteries are important and will be revealed during the story and what are simple forgotten plot points.

I did find something strange about Aizen plan. The only reason why executing Rukia was necesary was because Urahara put the Hogyoku into her with his special gigai. If she doesnt have the Hogyoku inside her, then Aizen planning her execution makes no sense.

9269127
Hi!

First off, thank you for your review. See, I'm still fairly new to fanfiction writing, so often times I make mistakes that I don't see at first.

About the expositional writing... In my defense, I wrote this chapter between college essays, so I was stuck in that more clinical style of writitng, as opposed to actual storytelling. I'll fix it, though.

Would you mind terribly if I take some of your suggestions though? I honestly was struggling on how to set up that whole "Twilight is now a Shinigami" idea, and you honestly managed to explain what my coffee-fueled brain tried to make sense of. Although, I purposely left the nature of Twilight's powers up to debate for now, because I want to reveal the true answer later on, when I have a better idea on how to do so. For now, think of it like how I showed Ichigo's powers. A natural-born Shinigami can convert their physical bodies with their spiritual ones, meaning they don't leave an awkward corpse sitting in a janitor's closet for three hours.

And there is a specific reason Aizen wants Rukia killed. This time, it isn't the gigai the OP Marble of Hyperdeath is squirreled away in.

9273555
Well, I did put some extra effort into the review to help you as an amateur writer. It is always good to try and give a hand to the content creators so the rest of us can enjoy some quality fun.


Well, it is better to write your story as a essay that your essays as stories. It is still a good idea to re-read your chapters after a good night sleep before posting, so you don't have immediate regrets.


Take as many suggestions as you like, chop them up and make them your own. The best thing a writer can do is to take the essence of the suggestions given to them and, with those new concepts on mind, start writing your own thing. It doesn't matter if it is exactly like the suggestions or if it has nothing in common, as long as you feel that what comes out is better.


That idea of having Ichigo and Twilight transmute their physical bodies into their spirit bodies is quite good. It is viable with the current cannon of the verse (after all, that is what the gates supposedly do to the humans in the party to get into SS or Hueco Mundo) and it is a neat cleanup of the "hey we have a no-yet corpse we have to stash for as long as the mission takes".

It does mean that Rukia should be freaking out. All of this is completely unheard of for her so she should report it to her superior while having an internal breakdown (she can´t just show her panic, she has Kuchiki pride to protect dammit :trixieshiftleft:)


NIce to have confirmation that Aizen has other plans for Rukia. It was not really an issue, since your scene with Aizen made sure to show that it was a real mystery and not just you forgetting a plot point, but I did found it curious.

IT IS DONE, MY FRIENDS! Sorry for the long-ass delay. Between writer block, college, and working at a city library, I didn't have time to really work all that much, but now it's finally up!

Nice, I was able to get your re-upload of the chapter before I went to sleep.


In general, this is a much better version of the chapter. You were able to clean up the excess fat and bring your points forward in a much more organic way, letting the characters tell the story and not just narrating it from an external point of view. It also has a much better presentation, making it easier to read.

Ironically, you may have gone too far in optimizing your chapter, as the scene changes can be a bit jarring, as if you tried to jump from idea to idea.


About the armloads of Japanese, I do know that some people hate it but it is honestly closer to an artistic decisions that any real literally mistake. It can take some using to, specially if you don't know what the words mean, but you are writing those helpful cheat-sheets and Bleach itself is choke-full of gratuitous Spanish and German with the Hollows and Quincy, so it fits right in.

9275607
And it doesn't help any that they don't give any real translations in the manga, so I kinda have to. Otherwise, almost every term not in English is going to seem like pointless gibberish, which ruins the story.

Sorry about the abrupt scene changes though. I tried to make them less jarring, but there was no good way to do so.

Also, glad I timed the chapter well. Sorry if it kept you up, though.

Ja ne!

As she had been once before, Twilight was surrounded by a burning sphere of dark energy.

【Jenny】» Battle Against A True Hero • Orchestra ver. w/ FanLyrics «

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y21UNUo7Wn8

Undertale Genocide Package - Battle Against a True Hero

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPyWn8gCQR4

When the energy disappaited, Twilight was standing there, looking uninjured, but she had changed. She now wore the shihakusho of a Shinigami, and at her waist was tied a sheath. She drew a daito-style zanpakuto, revealing a golden tsuba shaped like a Chinese coin beneath a violet blade. The hilt was black, and wrapped in emerald-coloured silk, and capped off with a gold pommel. Twilight dashed forward, slicing upward as she went, and cleaved the Hollow's arm in a shower of blood as the Shinigami looked up at her with shock. The Hollow roared in anger and agony, and Twilight looked back at the downed woman and said "My name is Kurosaki Twilight. Who are you?"

【Jenny】» Battle Against A True Hero • Orchestra ver. w/ FanLyrics «

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y21UNUo7Wn8

"Good. Procede with the plan, then. Even if we can't trap her in a gigai, we can still make Central 46 believe the Kuchiki Rukia is now a criminal. I will have the Hogyoku."

TRAPPPING TWILGHT IN A FRIKEN GIGAI ! NO WAY !

Maybe Ishuld work on my human version .
Draconic , and dragon form may be viewed as Hollow .
Would it be accepted even if it has taint of dark magic , chaos magic , mumbo jumbo in the mix from thing which while represent me was a hope to control my inner darkness sort of Nightmare luna origin , befour anything else .
Prefers to immobilise and disarm and do a civilised talk , otherwise goes with more serious attempts .
It is part of it/him as charecter like Discord , but much less need for chaos , but likes some randomness and a bit dry humour and uses often sarcasm and methafours. for now I'll be watching .

Watching You - Bill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7rhW2gyJSU

Favourite weapon Gunblade . the paradox is that it has about ammo as much as machinegun
at least more in slots and has infinity storage .

Since it is my weapon And I will be using no stupid restrictions .
I prefer long range similiar to mage warlock raining barrage ,
it was compared to Shadow priest.

being harmless , traps from the local things usually earth , quicksand,sand,shadow,water , ice , cold , bad luck , curses ,
and heals for allies , but needs gudance where until then it could dump a planet worth energy , it will restore with no bad effects , the exess will be recicled either by me or the user will strech their reserves .

that is enought .

I prefer wearing black indigo clothes , some dark blue jeans
but prefer tracksuit with ZIPPER POCKETS AND HOODIE TRACKSUIT WITH ZIPPER POCKETS .

No hats ,I prefer ,at least some dark blue hat . white colour , lean .

But... no adding my charecter for now .

I have literally no idea what the hell you just said. I ws refering to getting Rukia put in a gigai, not Twilight.

And no, I will NOT add your OC into the story.

9291621

Oh ok , and Ireally do not like if Twilight would be trapped in the Gigai thingy .

9292509
Neither she or Ichigo would need a gigai. They both have the ability to turn their bodies into their spiritual forms, instead of being knocked out by Rukia's glove or Urahara's cane.

When can we expect the next chapter?

9397993
Working on it currently. I'm trying to figure out how to write it so that it at least sorta follows the events of Bleach, with the obvious caveat that:
1) Ichigo has been training for years, and has two siblings who also wield Zanpakuto, and two others who are good with Kido.
2) Orihime, Chad, and Tatsuki already have powers, and have trained with them.
3) Ishida doesn't have a rage boner against all Shinigami, just Squad Twelve (understandable).
4) How the Soul Society arc should play out considering all of the above with the added bonus of a former captain, one who is still in good standing no less, able to testify for Rukia's innocence.
5) I have no bloody idea what Twilight's Zanpakuto should be called, nor what powers it ought to have.

9398695
Twilight's Zanpakuto should work well with her magic. It can also be the Japanese name for the element of magic

9398785
Which I then have to find a proper translation for, as well as a release command and Bankai, as well as what form the spirit should take. On the plus side, despite having teased that our beloved Shinigami will at some point find herself back in jolly old Equestria, I don't plan on making her a friendship-and-book obsessed dork. This Twilight will be one who has seen the beauty and filth of the worlds of the living and the dead, and knows that the best thing to do is hold fast and keep fighting.

9398796
How about "harmony becomes you" as the release command?

9398846
Doable, but kinda iffy. Remember, this Twilight is intimate with death, so happier, fluffy things wouldn't be perfect. Unless it's the harmony between Life and Death.

9398881
Yes, but I am not an experienced writer. And, I've always preferred reader comments.

9398901
What I meant was that the details were for the writer to decide. Readers only stear the story in a general direction it's up to the writer to make the final say.

I am a horrible person, and here is why.

The beginning of the next chapter should be easy: introduce a rather confused Rukia to the Kurosaki family.

It was been MONTHS, and I still can't find a good way of doing so.

I want to make it funny.

I can't write comedy.

Please, for the love of Amaterasu Omikami, help.

Great story, when the next chapter because I can't wait to see it!

Love what you have so far, looking forward to more from you.

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