Three Dates and a Prune

by MagnetBolt

Lesson Two: First Date

A day went by, and the door was locked.

Twilight dramatically slammed the door open anyway.

“Rarity! You were right and I was wrong!”

Rarity looked up from what she was doing.

“Oh, hello, Twilight. I was just working on a little arts and crafts to pass the time. I’m waiting for a shipment of Saddle Arabian silks to be delivered. Terrible price gouging but that’s to be expected. Would you like to see my needlepoint? I think it came out quite nicely.”

“I don’t see how this is the right time.” Twilight took it from Rarity’s grasp and turned it around to look. “Oh har har.”

Carefully embroidered were the words ‘I told you so.’

“I’m thinking of finishing it with a nice border and having it framed. Perhaps it will be a nice wedding gift for you and Emir Ali, hm?”

“There isn’t going to be a wedding at this rate!” Twilight tossed the needlepoint aside. Rarity caught it before it hit the floor and carefully put it away. “He wants to go on a date with me!”

Rarity gave Twilight a look.

“Okay yes, don’t say it.” Twilight groaned. “A date is a good thing.”

“At least we’ve established that much. If we’re being honest, darling, I didn’t think it would even go this far. I assumed you’d meet him, exchange a few words, and decide to abandon your plan.”

Twilight stopped pacing. “Why would I do that?”

“Well now you’ve had a chance to meet him! He’s hardly your type.”

“Type isn’t important,” Twilight said. “It’s a political alliance.”

Rarity rubbed her snout, trying to fight off the growing headache. “Why are we even having this discussion, then? If you don’t care about romance, then just show him your charts and offer to cut him into the profits.”

“It’s not like I don’t want it to be romantic.”

“What you mean is, you want to have your cake and eat it too.”

“What I want is to do something good for Equestria.”

“Yes, I’m sure everypony will be impressed by your sacrifice and duty and such,” Rarity yawned. “It’s just a date, and as I recall you already said you just needed to try and be friends with our Ali ibn Arabia, hm?”

“You know I’ve never been on a date,” Twilight muttered.

“I am painfully aware of the fact, yes.”

“I need to know what to do and how to act. And don’t tell me to act natural! Acting natural for me means I have time to study and bring flash cards.”

“Ah, so the backup plan can be having waiters hold up a script for you to read.”

“I need help Rarity, please! I’m sorry about being a little rude last time. I just don’t want to be such a bad date that he gets offended and then goes back home and it sets back diplomatic relations by decades and the trade war drags on until ponies are starving in the streets and then war is declared, thousands dying in combat all because I couldn’t make small talk!”

“I’m amazed you were able to say all that in one breath whilst in the middle of hyperventilating,” Rarity said. She gave Twilight a hug, holding her until the alicorn calmed down.

“I’m scared,” Twilight admitted, whispering.

Rarity sighed. “Against my better judgment, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, now. Chin up. There we go. Give me a smile, hm? Good. Now, obviously, we can’t just go out on a date ourselves. Not while you’re in the middle of courting somepony else. I’ll heat something up in the oven.”

“Right.” Twilight nodded. “I’ll just, um--”

“You’ll go outside and pretend you’re here for the date,” Rarity said. “And fix my door while you’re at it.”

Twilight lowered her head and nodded again, slinking outside. She cast a quick repair spell, fixing the damage she’d done to the lock, and sat on the doorstep.

It didn’t feel at all like when she’d come running at top speed (after several teleports to get her from Canterlot and back to Ponyville, unable to wait for the train lest her schedule fall apart entirely). She’d barely seen the door even while she was running through it. She’d just been thinking of the safety on the other side. Now she was ready to collapse from the stress and Rarity’s front door loomed as large as Canterlot’s gates.

She started pacing. If she didn’t look at the thing it wouldn’t be as bad.

“Okay. I just have to knock, and greet her, and not look like an idiot.” She gasped. “A gift! Should I have a gift? This is so unfair! Rarity just threw me out here without even telling me what I was supposed to do!”

She caught a glimpse of the door in her peripheral vision. She turned away quickly.

“Maybe I can get some flowers before she’s done with the food. Wait! I don’t even know what we’re eating! What if it’s something I don’t like!”

There was a coughing sound behind her that she ignored.

Twilight started drawing in the dirt with a hoof. “Okay. I’ll get some flowers. Then I’ll come back, and--”

Her sentence ended in a sharp yelp as she was dragged to the door by her ear. Rarity stood in the open doorway, looking annoyed.

“Twilight,” she said flatly, her horn glowing. “Why it’s so good to see you. Such a surprise.”

Twilight smiled weakly. “Could you…”

“Help you inside? Of course. You seemed to have some trouble finding and knocking on the door.”

Rarity gave Twilight gentle encouragement by almost yanking her ear off.

“Ow! Ow! Stop!”

“Oh I’m sorry, darling. I get a little rough sometimes. Some ponies like it that way.”

“I don’t!”

“Your loss,” Rarity sighed, letting go. “Now, aren’t you going to greet me?”

“Um… you look great,” Twilight said. “I like what you did with your mane?”

“Compliments are a good start. But what if I was a stallion?”

“Stallions can have nice manes.”

“Darling, most stallions can’t be bothered to try. If they’re wearing something, compliment that.”

“You’re not wearing anything though!”

“Most dates have would have to work much harder to get me out of my dress. Now come to the table!” Rarity walked over, and Twilight followed until she actually saw what was at the table.

Rarity had set it perfectly. In just the few minutes Twilight had been outside, she’d added an array of forks, spoons, and knives with surgical precision. There was even a fork just for pickled hay!

“It’s beautiful,” Twilight gasped. Then she looked at the other side of the table. “Except for that.”

“Hm? You couldn’t possibly be referring to your date?” Rarity smiled and adjusted the poniquin. “I even dressed it in a cute little suit!”

“I thought I was dating--”

“Me?” Rarity grinned. “Oh Twilight, I’m flattered! If you were a touch more serious I’d consider it. This is practice, though, and I don’t want to break your heart, so you’ll be dating Mister Blank today. Feel free to fill in whatever you like. The conversation might be a little one-sided.”

“I’m not going to learn anything sitting across from a dummy.”

“Trust me, it’ll be exactly like the real thing.” Rarity patted the stuffed dressform. “Why don’t you make some small talk while I get the food? I’m afraid there’s only the one course. You’ll have to imagine the soup and salad yourself.”

“Rarity!” Twilight frowned as Rarity left, the mare clearly aware that Twilight was watching her leave. Nopony moved their hips like that unless they intended on being watched.

When she’d vanished into the kitchen, Twilight huffed and looked at the essentially-empty seat across from her.

“She’s supposed to be giving me a lesson, not making fun of me,” Twilight complained. “How am I supposed to learn anything about making small talk when I’m alone? I don’t even know what she’s thinking!”

“Tut tut, Twilight, talking about another mare to your date?” Rarity called out from the kitchen. “That’s a classic mistake. He’ll only get jealous! Jealous ponies are terrible dates!”

“He’s not using his napkin, Rarity! Maybe it’s because he’s inanimate!”

“Again, that’s a nod towards reality. When I met him he preferred to use the tablecloth!”

“Now I know you’re lying.”

Rarity stepped out of the kitchen carrying a tray. “You should be making conversation with your date, darling. Go ahead and ask him how he’s finding Ponyville.”

Twilight sighed. “Emir Ali, how was your trip to Ponyville? Oh? You came to get help from a friend and instead of helping they’re making you have pretend teatime like a filly playing with dolls? That’s a shocking coincidence! The same thing happened to me just the other day!”

“Much better. Here’s dinner! I believe Madam ordered the pain avec tomate et fromage?”

Twilight mentally translated. “Bread with tomatoes and cheese?”

Rarity put a slice of pizza on her plate.

Twilight frowned at it.

“I wanted to pick something that wouldn’t challenge you,” Rarity said. “I know your table manners are already refined enough for any situation, though I can’t say much for somepony else whom you might be sharing a table with.”

Twilight’s stomach grumbled and she picked up the slice of pizza. Rarity knocked it out of her grip, putting it back on her plate.

“Really, Twilight? You barely even waited for me to finish a compliment before you go and try to prove me wrong! You use a fork and a knife in a formal setting, no matter what the entree is!”

“It’s just pizza!”

“And if you’re getting pizza on a date with royalty, you need to use a fork and knife!” Rarity chided. “He probably won’t even though he’s getting the better end of the deal by far, but that’s no excuse for you to be rude as well!”

“Nopony eats pizza with a fork and knife.”

“I do.”

“Nopony else does.”

“Princess Celestia--”

“Eats pizza like a snake. She just folds up a slice and swallows it whole.”

“No she doesn’t!”

“I was her personal student. I know exactly how she eats pizza.”

“Well you shouldn’t argue with the wait staff,” Rarity said, lifting her nose. “It’s unspeakably rude. If somepony can’t treat a waitress well, they won’t treat a significant other well either.”

“You’re not a real waitress, Rarity.”

“And that kind of talk is how you get kicked out of a restaurant even if you are a princess!” Rarity grabbed her plate, sweeping it up.

“Rarity! Come on!” Twilight’s stomach grumbled annoyance. “I didn’t eat before coming here!”

“That sounded almost entirely unlike an apology.”

“Just give me the pizza, Rarity!”

Twilight grabbed for it, struggling to grab the tray and plate from Rarity’s grip. The ceramic vibrated as the two magical fields clashed.

“Twilight, let go before--”

The plate shattered.

Twilight, surprised, let go. A slice of hot pizza fell from Rarity’s tray and hit Twilight’s face. The steaming-hot mozzarella surprise made her cry out more in shock than any actual pain, and she jumped up, her hooves hitting the table and knocking it over, forks and knives flying. A steak knife hit the floor next to Rarity point-first, vibrating ominously.

“Get it off! Get it off!” Twilight yelled, panicking. “It’s too cheesy!”

“Hold still!” Rarity ordered, pulling the pizza free. Or most of it, anyway. Greasy cheese matted Twilight’s snout like a moustache.

“Is it off?” Twilight asked, her eyes shut.

Rarity leaned in and kissed Twilight's nose. “All better. You’re just fine. My table setting is less so.”

Twilight’s cheeks burned red. “Sorry.”

Rarity sighed and sat on the floor next to Twilight, pulling the remaining slices of pizza over. “You’re a very difficult mare to help, Twilight.”

“It wouldn’t be difficult if you’d just do what I asked.”

“You mean tutor you for a date that could only end in disaster?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Darling, that’s far more difficult than you think. I wish you’d let me talk you out of the whole mess.”

“It’s to prevent a war, Rarity,” Twilight grabbed one of the remaining slices, nibbling on it.

“What war? The one you’re imagining?” Rarity scoffed. “Darling, you could do nothing and a year from now you’ll have forgotten all about this mess. Going on this date is inviting disaster and heartbreak.”

“It’s just a date,” Twilight argued. “It’s like a tryout to see if we’re compatible.”

“Twilight. You already said it doesn’t matter. Don’t pretend you’re giving it an honest chance. You’ve just got an idea stuck in your head and you refuse to listen to reason about it.” Rarity took her own slice, eating it quickly before it could cool.

“I always listen to reason!”

“You make charts to justify why you aren’t listening to reason, it’s hardly the same thing.” Rarity raised a hoof quickly. “I know full well how statistics can be manipulated, Twilight! I’m sure you have a whole speech about why you think marrying some stallion you barely know is a good idea.”

“It’s not a whole speech,” Twilight mumbled.

“Perhaps instead you should look at the consequences, hm?”

They both reached for the last piece of pizza at the same time.

“You can have it,” Twilight said, immediately.

“Darling, your stomach was growling more than anything that Fluttershy has ever taken care of. You take it.”

Twilight blushed and took the pizza.

“It’s really good,” she muttered. “Sorry about ruining things.”

“You’re not quite as bad as all that. At least you’re self-aware enough to apologize. I suppose I’m just jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“Well, darling, I haven’t had a date in quite a while.”

“You?” Twilight tilted her head. “But anypony would be happy to date you!”

“I’ve had offers, but I’m waiting for the right pony to notice. I’ve dropped a few hints, but they’re about as opaque as a full set of encyclopedias.”

“If they can’t take a hint, maybe you should make the first move.”

“Mm.” Rarity sighed. “Come along, and let’s get that moustache off your face before you go back to Canterlot.”

“Moustache?” Twilight touched her snout. “How long has that been there?!”

Rarity giggled. “Don’t worry. It looks dashing.”

Comments

[OmniFox]

Spike has better dates with the CMC together than the train wreck's attempts who's name is Twilight Sparkle.

[LostArchivist]

Still hilarious. I'm starting to suspect who the mentioned person might be, too...

[Ri2]

Poor Mr. Blank. Did Twilight have to break his heart?

[Arkonfleight]

This story has so much sass it collapsed in on itself and formed a sasshole.

[Darkstarling]

9044670
Well yeah but spike/cutie mark crusaders is the classic Ot4 so...