Spread Wings
Ten in the morning. Bon Bon’s house.
“Really?!”
As Lemon Zest looked at her pink hooves in her first waking moments of the day, her shout tinged with pure confusion.
“Really what?” came Indigo’s voice as she, with Sugarcoat and Bon Bon, walked into view and were about to head down the stairs.
And saw Lemon Zest as a pony, complete with a lemon tart as her cutie mark. She did not lose the headphones on her, though they were shrunk a little to fit her new ears. Then, she smiled and waved at her friends on the second floor. “Hi!”
And the three girls slowed down and stopped midway through the stairs.
Indigo took one step up. “Staying inside sounds very nice. What about we lock ourselves up in the local bunker?”
“We don’t have a bunker,” Sugarcoat replied, crossing her arms though still giving Lemon a concerned glance.
“There should be one somewhere,” Bon Bon said.
Sugarcoat glared at her. “How do you know that?”
Bon Bon rolled her eyes, stepping farther down. “I got my sources.”
Then, a flash and Vinyl Scratch appeared right in front of them, banging her head to whatever was blaring on through her headphones.
Bon Bon flinched, having almost tripped and fell on her. “Should we, uh, get out of the way?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?!” Bon Bon screamed, running to Vinyl to shield her from view.
“Pizza delivery!” shouted Flash Sentry from outside.
Bon Bon banged her head on the wall, gaining Vinyl’s attention.”Are you kidding me?!”
Meanwhile, Lemon Zest pranced her way to the door. “Now my seconds are here! Hi Flash!”
Bon Bon outran the Shadowbolts, ran down the rest of the stairs, while whispering as loud as possible, “Lemon, no!”
The pony unlocked the door and opened it.
Flash looked straight ahead, donning the same clothes from yesterday. “Good morning—wait, Bon Bon? Why do you look so tired? And where’s Lemon Zest?”
“Here!”
And Flash looked down and saw a green-haired pony waving at him, complete with headphones.
“Woah!” Flash then dropped the pizza, only for it to be caught by Lemon with her mouth. “I-Is that a pony?!”
“No, it isn’t!” Bon Bon said, smiling and carrying Lemon back inside despite her pleas to put her down. “This must’ve been one big misunderstanding! A misorder, if you will!”
“But she’s the one who called,” Flash said, pointing at her. “…I think? Can that pony call?”
“Hah-hah-hah!” Bon Bon then looked outside, seeing not many people on the sidewalk and no one paying attention to a supposedly ordinary pizza delivery. “Listen, Flash, I bought a pony and I’ve taught it speaking lessons because parrots are overrated.”
Lemon looked up at her, still in her arms. “Yoth thif?”
“Yes, I did!” Bon Bon yelled, then laughed nervously for Flash. “That’s the, uh, Hearth’s Warming gift I’ve been saving up for!”
Flash cocked his head. “It’s not even—“
“Rich uncle!” Bon Bon shouted on the spot, raising a finger. “I haven’t told you about my rich uncle who lives in, uh, Seaward Shoals! On a yacht! In the sea!”
“Is he stranded?” Flash asked.
Bon Bon grabbed the pizza from Lemon’s mouth, then gave Flash her wallet. “There! Take the money and leave! My pony’s very sick!” and coughed.
Lemon, wanting to play along, coughed with her.
“Yeah...” Flash said in a creeped out voice, backing up to his motorcycle. “Why does she sound exactly like Lemon Zest?”
“It’s a Crystal Prep surprise!” Bon Bon told. “It’s to show how closer we are after the Friendship Games! I’m pretty sure she’ll like it!”
Flash looked at Bon Bon, then at Lemon Zest.
Who waved at him with a hoof. “Hi!”
“OK.” Flash took the money needed, handed the wallet back, and began his way to the motorcycle. “See you around, Bon—neigh!”
Bon Bon’s eyes dilated, frozen for a while at what she heard.
She threw Lemon Zest back inside, rushed to grab Flash and dragged him inside, too.
Flash struggled but without success, unable to wrench himself away from her tight grip. “What a-are you doing?! I still have to make a few more—“
“You won’t be without hands to drive a bike!”
Bon Bon threw him over to a couch.
Closed and locked the door.
Bon Bon sighed, resting her head on the wall. Then, turning to Flash—
Who was already glowing.
“OK,” came Indigo’s voice again, walking with Sugarcoat from the kitchen, “we brought Vinyl back, but I—who’s that?!”
They stood still as the glow disappeared.
In its place, a yellow pegasus lying on the floor, rubbing a sore muscle with his hoof. “Why do I feel so weird?”
Bon Bon gave the Shadowbolts strange looks, seeing Lemon Zest gallop with pizza box in her mouth. “That’s Flash Sentry. Pepperoni Box now has one employee absent without leave.”
Sugarcoat raised a brow. “Bon Bon, we have to—“
Bon Bon pointed at them. “Did you exhibit any pony-like habits lately?”
“That’s the thing,” Indigo said, throwing a thumb at herself. “I just said ‘nopony’, but I wasn’t even thinking it! It’s like it was the natural thing to say!”
Bon Bon bit her lip then faced the other Shadowbolt in terror. “Sugarcoat?”
“Nothing yet,” she said, though eyeing the door. “By the way, someone is going to notice the motorcycle running idle outside.”
“Well, what do you want me to do?!” Bon Bon yelled, now growing exasperated.
Sugarcoat glanced at Indigo who was looking at her own hand and was nervously scratching her hair.
Then, Indigo walked back to the wall, showing her teeth in despair—close to whimpering. “I’m not feeling well! None of this feels right!”
Sugarcoat walked up to her side, pursing her lips.
Indigo saw her, then jumped away. “Are you crazy?! You might turn into a pony with me!”
Sugarcoat made a wry smile. “As risky as this is, you need someone right now.”
While Bon Bon was peeking out the window, seeing if the motorcycle would be stolen or not. So riveted she was that she did not notice the glow, having noticed Fuchsia stop near the bike to take a gander at it.
When she turned back, Bon Bon saw Sugarcoat comforting a terrified light brown pegasus, goggles over her mane. No words were said, Sugarcoat holding the pony’s head close as Indigo moaned whispers to her.
“When will this stop?” Bon Bon said to herself, looking at the other ponies in sight: Lemon Zest eating her pizza by the couch and Flash Sentry having gone into sleep.
Then, Sugarcoat stood up, hugged her pony friend, put her down on another couch, dusted her own shoulders, then headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” Bon Bon asked as she sped up to keep pace with her.
“To get the motorcycle out of the way,” Sugarcoat said coolly, brisking past Bon Bon before opening the door.
Bon Bon gasped. “Are you abandoning them?!”
Sugarcoat stopped, then turned around. She looked up. Then: “There is one more thing left to do back in Crystal Prep and somepony has to do it.”
Bon Bon cringed. “Did you just say—“
But Sugarcoat hopped on to the motorcycle, put on her helmet, and drove away.
“How long does it take to fix a statue?!” Cranky Doodle complained in a gruff voice, wearing a rough sweater over an otherwise nice suit and tie; his slick hair made up for it, though.
The construction workers shrugged by the statue, trying their best to downplay the cracks and chips on it. The marble horse itself still lay on the ground, still inspected and examined by another co-worker.
“The principals did not call you here to be lazy!” Cranky yelled. “We’re trying to be presentable, especially on the first day of Floral Week!”
“We’re trying!” Steam Roller said, brushing his wavy hair with a comb.
Cranky yanked the comb out of his hands, brushed his own hair, and threw it to the grass. “We’re paying you money to do your work, not to dress up for a fashion show!”
“Can you listen to us for just a few minutes?” he asked, holding his hands out.
Cranky crossed his arms. “Fine. However, I’m mentally taking note of those minutes”
“Alright.” He stepped aside to give Cranky a clearer view of the statue’s marred base. “See, whenever we patch up one of the bad spots, it cracks again while we’re not looking. That’s what we’re having so far.”
Cranky tapped his shoe in impatience. “Are you telling me we have to pay for a new statue?”
“N-Not exactly, but—“
“I am not paying this out of my personal funds!” Cranky shouted, pointing at him.
“We’re not telling you to pay—“
“We’ll see what will happen when I take this to—“
And was zapped by the statue’s base.
Cranky fell down to the grass with a thud!
A pause as they looked upon the fainted teacher.
Steam Roller picked up his phone as his co-workers went back to the rather hopeless statue, with one other running to Cranky and then patting his shoulders to wake him up.
Then, the call began.
“Hello?” Roller asked. “Is this emergency services?”
As a pizza motorcycle passed by Canterlot High.
Inside Twilight’s manor, Twilight Velvet, with her gray skin and her striped hair, sighed by the front window with panes shaped like stars. On her lap was a Daring Do book, by her table was a cup of coffee, and behind her were pictures of the whole family rowing a boat on the way to its doom via waterfall which had supposedly merited visitor questions like, “So, did you die? Please tell me what happened next!”
Pointless questions aside, Velvet looked out the window.
“To think they should be home any minute now,” she said to herself, staring out the window and seeing some cars pass. Shaking her head, “Our Twilight, stuck in another world and it isn’t even the same universe as ours!” She plopped a hand on her head. “Poor Twily!” Effecting a smile, “At least she has friends there...and another self that’s a royal pony princess.”
She chuckled at the absurdity of the thought. “And if she has another self, I do, too!” Looking up dreamily, “I wonder what my other me’s doing, being the happy mother of a princess!”
Ding!
Velvet got up from her chair and, in a sing-song voice, “Coffee’s done!” Then, looking at the clock on the wall, “If she isn’t coming home, I guess I’ll have to cancel the family hooficure tonight—among many other things!” Moving towards the elusive coffee cup, “Should I talk with Sunset after all this is over? Nah! They’re responsible girls...in another world, but still responsible!”
She then heard the whir of a motorcycle passing by outside.
“Did you think they were actually made of crystals?!” Suri Polomare shouted before erupting in a belly laugh.
Suri and someone else stood in front of Crystal Prep Academy, the latter admiring the crystal-like columns strutting out of the structure—even the gate had crystalline spikes on it.
“They look a lot like it,” that someone else answered in a delicate voice, a light blue hand combing her own shiny red-pink hair. “It must’ve been pretty costly to build all of that.”
Suri cleared her throat. “Only a school of our prestige could raise the funds to adorn our grounds with such a, hm, delightful visage! However, even with those funds, it had to take a genius like yours truly to suggest the intricate details that truly make CPA shine.” She placed both hands on her hips, smiling and perhaps expecting some adoration in return for the little gesture.
The other woman shied a little away. “Wow! I didn’t know you had such a valuable contribution to your own school!”
“Very fortunate to be talking to me, I know.” Then, extending a hand, “I’d like to lead you through the rest of town, but recess is almost done, so until I see you again…” and retracted her hand. “Clawchella? Pommelus?”
“It’s ‘Ocellus’,” was the answer.
“Right, right!” Suri said. “Enjoy your stay and don’t catch the cold, ‘kay?!”
And they both said their goodbyes and parted wa—
A motorcycle stopped by the gate, making Ocellus and Suri stop to make way for the driver.
Sugarcoat hopped out of the vehicle, then ran up to Suri as she took off her helmet. “Did anyone access Twilight’s old lab since last week?”
Suri gulped, looking everywhere to see if there was a good place to hide. “I-Isn’t it always—“
“Answer the question.”
Suri nodded, crossing her fingers out of anxiety.
Sugarcoat looked at Ocellus. “Get out. This is important business.”
Ocellus nodded and darted out of the scene.
Sugarcoat looked back at Suri. “Have you shared the picture with anyone at all since the MyStable ban?”
Suri shook her head.
Sugarcoat adjusted her glasses, then glowered. “Tell me the truth.”
“I am, ‘kay?!”
Then, a finger was thrust to her chin.
“If you are lying,” Sugarcoat said in a quiet snarl, “then you know what to expect.”
Suri shuddered, covered her mouth with her scarf, and nodded.
“The key.”
She reached inside her pocket, retrieved the key, and handed it over.
Sugarcoat grabbed it and then ran down the concrete path to the school’s front doors.
Suri was about to comment on Sugarcoat’s noticeably longer hair, but she decided not to irritate her any further.
Sugarcoat ran through the hallways, weaving around her classmates in ever-evolving lanes. They looked at her odd, murmuring to each other about her being late for the first time ever, about her how she usually did not run in such a panic, about how her hair was longer than usual.
Sugarcoat skidded down to the intersection—
Bumped into two women as they all fell down to the floor.
Sugarcoat grunted as she got up, pulled those other two up as well, and sped away, disappearing behind more groups of students who only gave her more odd looks before resuming their conversations.
The two women gave each other strange looks, then one of them looked at the spoiled paper bag at hand.
“Ugh!” Adagio exclaimed, clenching the bag. “If only Sonata didn’t ask for rehearsals in a school, we’d be in no trouble at all!”
“Then why did you follow her suggestion?” Aria asked.
Adagio sighed, mentally chewing herself out. “What was I thinking?!”
“About how how we could try harnessing other emotions this time?” Aria asked. “And that one good way to test it is at a school?”
Adagio gave her a glare. “Are you trying to get us into trouble?”
Aria tugged on her arm. “What about we get to Sonata before things get bad?”
“I’m supposed to be the one saying that!” Adagio whispered, jerking her arm in reflex. “If we can get Sonata out of here without anyone noticing that she can’t change back to this form, we’ll be—“
“I know that already,” Aria said. “I was there.”
“I’m trying to collect my thoughts!” shouted Adagio.
And the CPA students there looked at the shouting singer.
The silence only grew as everyone exchanged looks with everyone else.
“Way to go on the ‘without anyone noticing’ part, Adagio,” Aria remarked.
Sugarcoat approached the door, took the key out, opened it, not minding the ruckus and the rumors she was causing with her schoolmates outside.
Inside was a variety of scientific equipment including test tubes, microscopes, and a wavelength detector. On the tackboard was a fresh set of photos and notes, all tied together by strings onto a picture of Canterlot High. Two big pipes decorated the drab gray walls though much of it was brightened up by the only window there.
After covering the window up with a makeshift curtain, she turned on the lights, opened the drawers and saw some food and water inside. She threw the meat-containing stuff into the trash can, leaving behind what she could stomach
“What did she say about my hair?” she asked, then looked back at her hair.
Her twin pigtails now reached to the floor with her seated.
“It’s starting!” she murmured as she turned the computer on.
First step was to open the web browser and access her e-mail. With password typed and submitted, she saw a couple of conversations in-progress with a few friends including one with Fleur de Lis on the topic of paper supply.
Then, she pressed her e-mail address fifty-seven times in quick succession.
A question appeared underneath it.
Plaid Barbells are _____________.
She typed in, forever by your side with you, beside an apple and a heart, over a tree and under the moon.
With that, she was logged in to another e-mail address which granted her access to not just a unique set of contacts but also a dedicated chatroom.
Into the chat she typed: Urgent. Turning into pony. Should we send the picture?
A few seconds, looking nervously at her hair.
Then, someone under the name of Miss Hackney wrote: We need a unanimous decision.
Sugarcoat groaned. Is everyone online?
I’m here, chimed in a Moon Dancer.
Same, typed Modus Ponens.
With you, went in Wetzel.
And I’m online, stated Rainbow Stars.
Sugarcoat sighed. Do we send the picture?
What picture? Wetzel asked. I’m out of the loop.
Sugarcoat groaned again, accessed the picture of Sunset and other familiar ponies enjoying the kite competition, and re-uploaded it to the chatroom.
Oh, that one.
I could send it to my guy at Griffonstone, suggested Modus Ponens. He will make the necessary precautions.
Why can’t you just ask him that there’s something bad coming? Rainbow Stars typed.
Like that’ll work.
We can send it as an anonymous tip to the news, Hackney suggested next. However, that will require the situation here getting out of hand first.
Sugarcoat then noticed her screen’s reflection glowing.
Then, she looked up.
Saw her new pony ears on her head.
And typed, Hurry up! I’m almost a pony!
Chat silence for a good ten seconds.
Then Moon Dancer typed, What about the S.M.I.L.E.?
Never! Sugarcoat replied, sweating and feeling very nervous. Everypony won’t survive that encounter.
More chat silence for a few more seconds.
As Sugarcoat realized what she just typed.
So, typed Hackney, to recap: No social media leaks, no sending to the news, no messages to any government except for certain positions, and no notifying military branches and secret agencies.
Sugarcoat sighed, resting her elbow on the desk. We’ll have to choose one of them. Everyone will panic if they figure it out on their own; people are going to say the world’s ending when we haven’t reached that point yet.
And she neighed.
Eyes widened
She typed,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
Calm down! typed Wetzel. Are you a pony yet?
I just made a horse sound! It’s going to happen any moment now!
MyStable leak, now! Rainbow Stars typed.
Have you gone insane? Modus Ponens asked. They’re going to misinterpret the information!
Paralysis by analysis, Hackney typed. I just sent a private anonymous message to Micro Chips. Reputable and honest. He’ll know what to do to stem the chaos online as much as he can without getting caught by whoever’s left on the CHS Online Team.
The chat descended into an argument, but Sugarcoat quickly logged out without a goodbye.
Went out of her normal e-mail.
Then, she closed her eyes, bracing what was about to happen.
As she glowed.
Then, she stopped glowing.
Sugarcoat fell unconscious to the floor, a blue-gray Earth pony with glasses.
Stats
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
1,147 users online
2,419,505 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
...Wait, is Sugarcoat part of some secret hacker group or something? Because that's neat.
Wheels within wheels and marble that's shattered like glass. This is all kinds of not good, and I doubt the sirens will help any.
On the bright side, Flash now has better odds with Princess Twilight.
Maybe I missed it earlier, but how did the Dazzlings get their pendants back?
Wonder what will happen when Derpy changes?
I keep reading this despite the problems I have with it because I am genuinely curious to see what the ultimate solution will turn out to be.
That being said... a bit more helpful criticisms for the author because there are just too many issues not to bring up.
1) There is a huge disjoint between what's happening in this story now from how it started out. The story is following a progression, but the flow is not entirely natural. This could be helped with better foreshadowing techniques and a bit more time to put things into greater detail when discussing what is happening.
A huge example of this is The Sirens... There is no backstory to how they retrieved their magical amulets and restored them, no information, just suddenly, Dazzlings are popular, toss them into this and hope they fit good.
Also, why does changing into a Pony automatically involve hysterics or falling asleep? Juniper, fast asleep, Flash, for no good reason, changes and then falls asleep. Reactions are also being ignored or simplified for the sake of avoiding having a lot of explanations. Or expositional dialogue. We as the reader don't know every detail about your perceived version of the EQG universe. Heck, Bon Bon is part of some super secret CHS club that Luna holds in high regards for handling crises, but we aren't given enough context as to why or what this club is even about.
There's a random Poker Club at the school for no real reason or narrative viability, it's just some random information tossed out to the reader in earlier chapters which seems to be attempting to world build, but fails to explain why it's relevant to the story.
Sugarcoat is part of some huge mystery who, for some reason doesn't have the key to Twilight's old lab, so has to get it from Suri of all people. Why? Why is Suri given the Key to Twilight's old Lab, why is Suri even important as a character? For that matter why does Sugarcoat need to go into Twilight's old lab? What's wrong with using her own computer at her house for this odd super secret conversation?
Twilight Velvet is jarringly dropped into the plot as having knowledge already of Equestria and what her daughter is up to, despite Twilight having had no chance to tell her since she was dragged into the portal when she was asleep and couldn't have given her mother advance warning of her plans.
Flash is also delivering Pizzas for funny gags, but it doesn't fit with what little we know of him, unless I've missed a Hasbro short from Youtube where they revealed he had that job. Also he should be more in-tune about what's going on around him considering how close he was/is to both Sunset and Twilight.
There's a huge amount of potential for a story like this, but it waffles too much between plotlines that ultimately are meaningless or serve no real purpose. Was an outline ever written up for this story? It can be very beneficial to write out a general outline of what you want your story to accomplish, how you want to get from point A to B and who should be featured in the story at any given time. If something needs to be explained, write out some notes about it and where it would fit best into the narrative and use that idea, if it doesn't contribute anything or doesn't fit with the story you want to tell then don't be afraid to leave it out, who knows it could lead to an entirely different story for a future project. (Like explaining the origins of this odd secret club Sugarcoat is a part of, for example, since as of now it doesn't seem to make any real sense and doesn't seem to affect anything.)
Anyway... hope these comments contribute in some fashion. And remember, always have a great time no matter what when you're working on a story.
9116480
Yeah, what initially seemed like a lighthearted story about the girls (particularly Twilight) becoming curious over what Equestria is like suddenly turned into something much more adventurous and apocalyptic. This tone wasn't foreshadowed very well in the early chapters, either. That being said, one of the earlier plot points - that being, the leaked picture - is at least being put to use again.
However, I think this story does have more than enough interesting ideas to keep my attention. I, too, am wondering how in the world this is even going to end.
9116480
All I could say is: Thank you very much for your helpful constructive criticism and the encouragement to enjoy writing which, after a while, begins to get stale the more I enforce a write-almost-everyday schedule. I've read your points at least twice or thrice over, and I agree with every single one of them. I'll take them to heart.
Again, thank you!
Eeeeeeeeeeee
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*implodes*
Oh my god yes please tell me Sonata's stuck as a seapony.
YESSSSS good reference
Yeah, I agree with what a couple of the others have mentioned. The Sirens randomly showing up not too long ago was pretty weird.
More I read,more, and more I have to agree with
Odeinoichus about how the story just everywhere.