Pinkie Pie: Laughter and Loquaciousness
“So, there I was, on top of the Canterlot Chemical Corn Exchange, nothing on me but a pack of balloons, you know, those really long ones you make balloon animals out of, I like making giraffes myself, but that's not what you wanted to know, anyway, I had the balloons, a half a dozen party poppers, and a six pack of streamers. He came toward me, cream pie at the ready. But before he knew it, I had thrown out the streamers and managed to wrap his legs and trip him up. Then I fired off the poppers in his face, startling him and causing him to fall backwards! The pie flew into the air and nearly kersplatted on the roof, but I managed to inflate the balloons and turn them into a butterfly net and I managed to catch the pie before it met its splattery doom! I turned back to the wanton pie threatener but he was gone! But! He left a clue! A train ticket to Baltimare! I tracked him to Baltimare but I missed him by three days, but a little more digging and I followed him to Vanhoover! Then Whinnyapolis, Stalliongrad, Salt Lick City, Baltimare! Finally, FINALLY, I caught up with him... in Neighagra Falls. NEIGHAGRA FALLS! Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch! I smacked him, I punched him, I tore his shirt and I knocked him down! He crawled away leaving rivers of blood! BLOOD I TELL YOU! Well, actually, it wasn't blood, it was a broken bottle of raspberry syrup from the coffee cart where I had cornered him... “
“Miss Pie...”
“ … so I followed the raspberry trail all the way to the local gym. I asked the attendant, a handsome guy who looked like a young Beard Rentals, if he had seen anyone come crawling in, dripping raspberry syrup and he just looked at me strangely and pointed in the direction of the locker rooms. I guess I did look kind of strange, since I was only wearing a polka dot bikini bottom and a rubber duck floatie around my chest, which is a really funny story all its own, but not important for THIS story! So I kicked in the door of the locker room, causing all the guys in there to screech and scramble for stuff to cover themselves, except for this one old guy who was sitting there, buck naked, reading the newspaper! The newspaper! Who reads the newspaper in the nude?! Aren't you worried about paper cuts in places paper cuts shouldn't be?! But I'm going off on a tangent again! I could make some kind of tasteless pun here about wanting to get off on a tan gent, but I'm not that kind of girl! So, after I tried to not gag at seeing the old naked guy with the newspaper, I found the syrup trail leading toward the whirlpool, but when I got there and scared off the six guys using it, I saw the water had this kind of reddish tint to it, so he must have fallen in, washed off the syrup and gotten out again. I tried asking the six guys but they were all too busy throwing hygiene products at me and screaming that it was the men's locker room, so I went out the other door and there he was trying to hide in a hot yoga class...”
“If we could just get back to...”
“... but imagine my surprise when I discovered it wasn't a hot yoga class, but a hot YOGURT class! Everybody just lying on tables covered in hot, steamy yogurt with relaxing music playing. I started checking everybody's faces, but the instructor said I had to either participate or get out, so I tossed off my floatie and let them cover me in steaming fermented milk product... and it was strawberry flavored. It was sooooo relaxing and tasty! I lost track of time and the next thing I knew, I was in the ladies locker room getting hosed off. I walked back out of the gym, and that was when I met the police officer. Silly me! I'd forgotten to grab my floatie and there I was with my cupcakes hanging out for everyone to see! So I got a ride in a police cruiser and I had to explain why I was walking around in nothing but a polka dot bikini bottom, but like I said before, that story would take way too long, so they got me a t-shirt and I called my big sister, who was totally understanding and wired me some money to get back home. So I went to the airport and bought a ticket...”
“Miss Pie, this is very interesting but not quite... “
“... have you ever had a strip search? I mean, I'd guess you've GIVEN one, but have you ever had one? Because those security people at the airport really don't like it when you make jokes in line! I almost missed my flight because of how long they were taking! I was in such a rush I almost forgot my shirt and bikini bottom! But I made my flight, and was just about to settle down and watch the movie, when all of a sudden, the plane got hijacked by some guys calling themselves the Lost Luggage Liberation Front and demanded we fly back to the airport and collect all the lost luggage they had! Well, you can guess what happened then. The undercover air marshal was outnumbered four to one, so I leaped to my feet, whipped off my shirt and showed the hijackers my cupcakes which surprised them long enough for the air marshal to take down two of them while I jumped into the air and crashed down on the other other two. One knocked himself out on the refreshment cart, but the other, who had gotten his face buried in my chest made some sort of comment about dying happy. I clonked him on the head with a champagne bottle and put my shirt back on. Everyone gave me a round of applause and the pilot gave me a set of junior pilot wings which I wore all the way back home...
“This all has nothing to do with...”
“... and once I got to the airport, Maud – Oh, Maud's my big sister. You'd probably get along really well – Maud picked me up and told me that I had caused her a lot of stress and anxiety chasing after that guy. I tried explaining about the pie and the hijackers, but she told me she wasn't in the mood for listening to one of those really fun and wacky adventures I get up to when my friends and family aren't around and that, since our parents live outside the city, it was up to her to discipline me and she gave me a good solid spanking for five whole minutes when we got home, with the hairbrush! And that's totally unfgair! Who uses spanking for discipline these days... unless, y'know, they're into that kind of thing, which I'm not, at least, I don't think I am. Like I said, I'm not that kind of girl, but I guess I'd be up for trying something like that when I'm a little older... but I'm getting off track again. So the next morning, I woke up, put lotion on my rumpus magoo, and went to school, only it was Saturday, and there was no school, so I went to hang out with the girls at the mall! Does that help?”
Tempest stared at Pinkie's guileless grin, then at her notepad, which was blank and back up again.
“I...” Tempest closed her mouth and looked over at Luna, who simply shrugged with a bored expression. The agent looked back at Pinkie and realized she had completely forgotten what she had originally asked the girl. More to the point, she was afraid to ask another question, lest it lead off another 20 minute rambling anecdote.
“Um... yes,” she began. “I think that's.... more than enough information, Miss Pie. You can go back to class now. Thank you for your time.”
“Oki-dokie-lokey!” Pinkie stood up, rummaged in her hair, and produced a cupcake on a plate. It was a dark purple with frosting the same color as Tempest's hair. “Here! A little snack for you! Moonberry cake with cranberry-vanilla frosting!”
Tempest looked at the cupcake suspiciously. “Um... thank you, Miss Pie. That will be all.”
Pinkie grinned and nodded again. She looked back over her shoulder as she exited and suppressed a giggle as Tempest prodded the cupcake with a finger. As she walked down the hall she smiled again to herself.
It's just like Granny Pie always said. “If you can't blind them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit.”
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Granny Pie was a smart cookie. But the Pie family doesn't hold that against her.
that is one of my favorite sayings
9770404
Took me a second but that is a really clever reference.
Never thought I'd see that Niagara Falls joke referenced in an MLP fanfic. Last time I even so much as heard that one was when Bozo the clown was still on TV!
Beard Rentals. XD I wonder how many people will get that joke.
I love Pinkie.
I almost feel sorry for Tempest.
... Almost.
9770455
First time I ever heard the Niagara Falls joke was from reruns of the Three Stooges! It was funny then, and it’s still funny now!
Does Beard Rentals have a black Trans Am? Maybe a girlfriend named Frog?
9770487
As I like to say, nothing like the classics!
Well.....
I suppose it works.
9770455
It took me a hot second to realize, nearly slammed my palm into my face when I did. XD
9770510
Don't worry, it took me a quickie to realize it too.
note to self never ask pinkie anything
Luna is silently laughing the entire time
correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Pinkies blatant use of hammer space exactly the type of thing that Tempest is supposed to secure, contain, and neutralize?
Pinkie should be banned from going into politics, she might end up as president
Tempest is lucky Pinkie was going easy on her.
9770605
But then she'd actually have to deal with more Pinkie.
Now this is a saying I can get behind.
Leave it to Pinkie to strategically wall-o-text.
Achievement unlocked: Being jealous of a bungled terrorist group.
Granny Pie is a genius!
9770404
you are also a genius
Words to live by!
That was great!
That is my new favourite quote.
Considering what we learned of Pinkie's POV during everfree.....I wouldn't be surprised if pinkie did, in fact, perceive events this way. After all, Rarity suggested mixing truth with the lies.