S3E2: Stud Up
Twilight Sparkle danced into the castle kitchen, a smile on her lips and a song in her heart. She gave her head a little shake, tossing her bangs about like a filly showing off her new manestyle.
“Good morning, Starlight!” she chirped, seeing her friend with a stack of loaded pancakes. She skipped around the table, snagging a spare blueberry from the edge of the plate and snapping it up. A note of whipped cream graced the sweet fruity taste. Perfect.
Everything was perfect. She giggled a little giggle, spun in a circle, and headed toward the stove to see if Spike had made any extra pancakes for her.
“Somepony’s in a good mood today,” Starlight observed. “You find a new book?”
“Better!” Twilight blushed at the blasphemous thought – better than a book!? – but it was true. She hadn’t felt so giddy in years, and to think it was all because of something so silly. “I was at the esoteric flea market earlier, looking for a fresh ampule of gloom ink, when—”
“Oh, did you get spider legs? Remember last week when I said we were out of spider legs and you said you thought there was a mare who sold them every-other Tuesday but you hadn’t seen her in a few months and maybe she didn’t come to the Ponyville esoteric flea market anymore but you’d keep an eye out in case—”
“Yes, yes. I remembered.” Twilight dug through her saddlebags and pulled out two wax-sealed cloudy glass vials stuffed with some indiscernible fibrous mass. “There, fuzzy and spindly. Anyway, as I was saying, I was looking for gloom ink, when who should I run into but Thunderlane! And wouldn’t you know it, he was, hehe, excited to see me.”
“Oh?” Starlight took a sip of her orange juice. “Why?”
“No, Starlight. Excited.” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Oh. Oooh!” Starlight blushed. “Really.”
“I shouldn’t be so surprised, I suppose. It is spring, and I have been working out a lot. You know, walking more. I think it’s really starting to show in my figure.” She struck a little pose, nearly tripping on her hooves in the process. “And not just him! Every stallion I ran into was having the same problem.”
“Yeah, it’s a weird side-effect,” Starlight said. “I haven’t figured out what’s causing it yet.”
Twilight barely heard her. “Anyway, I’m going to go back out a bit, I think. Oh, I should wear one of those saddles Rarity made for us. The little black one, maybe?” Maybe she should even trim her bangs like Rarity said, show off the base of her horn. Yeah it was a bit slutty and her mom would hate it but she was a big mare now and she could do what she wanted. She trotted off through the kitchen door, down the hallway, stopped, turned around and returned to the kitchen. “Hey, that thing you said. Could you say it again?”
Starlight had a mouthful of pancake, and swallowed it before responding. “What thing?”
“You said something about a side-effect.”
“Oh, right!” She took a swig of her orange juice. “Priapism. It’s a weird side effect I haven’t solved yet. It’s harmless though.”
“A—” Twilight stopped and ordered her thoughts. “A side-effect of what?”
“An experiment I’ve been working on.” Starlight clapped her hooves together. “I was going to keep it a secret and tell you later, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag! I’ve developed a ritual that makes ponies friendlier! They’re happier, more sociable and less neurotic! Once I finish testing it we’ll be able to share it across Equestria! Can you imagine how many ponies it can help?”
“That, uh… really? You made a spell that makes ponies friendlier?” Twilight gawped at her. “That’s not real friendship!”
“It’s as real as Princess Cadence helping ponies fall in love,” Starlight said. “I even based the spell off of her notes.” She paused. “You know, I wonder if that’s linked to the side-effects? It makes sense, now that I think about it.”
“That’s different! Cadence is the princess of love! Making ponies fall in love is her thing!”
“Yeah, well, maybe making ponies be more friendly is my thing.”
Twilight sighed. All her happy thoughts from the morning stroll began to evaporate. “But an experiment? Really? How did you even get ponies to agree to that?”
Silence. Starlight took a long drink from her orange juice.
There it was. The first headache of the day, taking root right behind her horn. Twilight closed her eyes. “Please tell me you got ponies’ permission before using this spell on them.”
“Well, I don’t see why I would do that. It would ruin the experiment!”
“You can’t just test spells on ponies without their permission! That’s unethical!” Twilight shouted. “They have to know the risks! They have to give informed consent!”
“No, unethical would be allowing ponies to go one more day without a spell that could be helping them. Haven’t you noticed how much happier ponies who have friends are? How much better society runs when ponies are socially engaged? I remember how lonely I was before I found you girls, and I bet you remember how lonely you were too. If I have the ability to give this gift to everyone in Ponyville, and then everypony in the world, aren’t I obligated to? Think of how much misery we could eradicate with this one simple step. Of course I’m going to test it!”
“You should still ask ponies first,” Twilight said. “Tell them the risks. See if they even want to be friendlier.”
Starlight shook her head. “Yeah, I could. But then ponies might say no. This way is better.”
“And the side-effects? Somepony could be offended!”
Starlight waved a hoof. “They’re harmless. Come on, we’re all adults here, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Besides, it doesn’t seem to have offended you.”
Twilight blushed. “Yeah, well, maybe it did!”
Starlight raised an eyebrow.
“A-and what if there’s other side-effects, huh?” Twilight pointed out the window at the bustling town beyond. “You don’t know!”
“That’s what the experiment is for, obviously.” Starlight took another sip of her juice. “So far, though, so good.”
Twilight set her forehead on the table. The cool crystal helped ease the ache behind her horn.
Deep breath in. Slow breath out. “Okay, just one more question.”
“Sure.”
“Was Thunderlane one of the ponies you experimented on?”
“Would… you be happier if I said no?”
Twilight rolled her cheek onto the table and stared at Starlight. “Yes.”
Starlight smiled.
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I am also very happy to see these in a single, easy to access home. Also the framing for the collection is just great.
Applejack should be a main cast member!!!
I never realized this was everything I ever wanted but lo, it appeared before me, and it was good.
Who's that purple mare on the cover art?
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I know, Right?
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That's Starlight's friend Twinkle Sprinkle! Her hobbies include pancakes, getting mad about the sorry state of modern epistemology, and pretending to be a princess.
I might actually enjoy Starlight in the show had they played up her sociopathy to this level.
Complete with 1980s-inspired theme song, like this.
Starlight is at her best when she's gleefully sociopathic. You two are nailing it. I must have more!
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orig08.deviantart.net/e539/f/2015/349/8/8/sarcastic_gold_star_you_didn_t_even_try_by_banqai-d9k8f4j.png
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A Starlight Glimmer animation error.
9033358 STDarlight and Ma-Rey Sue from "Soy Wars" really should just team up and take over everything with their limitless abilities at this point.
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You seem about as mentally stable as Starlight here.
Welp, I spent the entirity of these vignettes both laughing and feeling sick to my stomach, so... mission accomplished, I guess.
You know, if Glimmer had been written like this in season six, I don't think I ever would've had a problem with her character at all. This is gold.
Don't you dare go back and re-write this thing to change "Pony Hawaii" to something else "Pony". It's too damn perfect and it's now a canon place in my head. Equestria now has "Pony Hawaii" officially on it's map in my head and no one is going to take this away from me!!!
"It’s a weird side effect I haven’t solved"
"It’s a weird side-effect I haven’t solved"?
Are you still adding old ones to this, or are there some you decided not to include? I think I remember seeing some not on here...
And how did you decide on the episode numbers?
In any case, an enjoyable (re, in many places, but still)read. :)
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There are more to be added -- including some content that wasn't up on the blogs!
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i.pinimg.com/236x/39/3b/0c/393b0c95a29372a77353b37cdd384bd5.jpg
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>writes various stories -- the most infamous of which is sympathetic towards changelings -- that ask philosophical questions seemingly designed to elicit existential doubt.
I'm onto you...
SUSPICIOUS
RED ALERT
GO TO DEFCON 3
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Seconded! Also now envisioning this Starlight animated by ForgaLorga with those wonderfully soulless stares...
Immediate first thought is, of course:
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/817/691/13e.png
For the sake of my sanity I’ve always chosen to interpret this as she can clarify love that’s already there, not outright create love. The alternative is disturbing to think about. But that’s head-canon, of course.
“Also we literally did this episode already when you mind-controlled all of my friends back in Season 6 Episode 21, remember? It was about two years before this chapter was written?”
“Twilight, the joke is that I don’t learn from my mistakes.”
“Frankly I’m not sure you learn, period.”
“That’s the joke.”
“For the entire rest of the fic?”
“Maybe!”