Fear and Guilt (AP, YB, CC, W-SS And GT4)
After finishing the tour around the castle, the group finally arrived at one of the many empty guest rooms, where they deposited all of Blueblood’s belongings beside the bed. He gingerly hopped off Rarity’s back, being careful not to mess up her dress.
"Thanks for the ride, miss Rarity."
"Oh, it was my pleasure, dear! And please, just call me Rarity," she beamed.
Blueblood chuckled at the polite reply. "Okay, mis—I mean, Rarity. I’ll try my best to remember it." He returned her smile before heading towards the bed.
"Is there anything else you need, New Blood?" Twilight asked.
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, could I please have a little time to myself?” Blueblood asked politely after a moment’s thought. “I would like a moment to unpack my things.”
"Of course, dear. Just come and find us when you’re done," Rarity answered. "Once you’re ready, we’ll all go for some delicious ice cream!"
Blueblood’s eyes widened. "Really? That sounds great, Rarity!"
"Uh, we will?" Twilight asked, somewhat unsure, until Rarity gave her a light shove in her ribs. "I mean, yeah sure! I’d love to show you around Ponyville before you start school so you can become familiar with the town. Plus, I can show you the fastest, most efficient route to the schoolhouse while we’re at it."
Rarity rolled her eyes and giggled. “Of course you’d know that little tidbit of information.”
Twilight shook her head at her friend’s remark and gave Blueblood a questioning look, adding, "That is, of course, if you’re okay with that?"
"Well…I would like to see some of Ponyville, maybe even get a souvenir,” he mused, before hanging his head sheepishly. “But I haven’t been given an allowance.”
"Oh, pish-posh! Say no more, dear," Rarity interjected. "Today will be my treat, and I will not take no for an answer!"
"But…"
"Ah!" Rarity interrupts him, lifting a hoof.
"I don't know if…"
"Ah-ah!" She waved her hoof from side to side.
"It wouldn’t be right t—"
“Ah-ah-ah!" She repeated her wave with a smirk, to Blueblood’s annoyance.
"…Okay," he finally relented.
"There, now with that settled, we should go, Twilight darling. Let's give your cousin some time to unpack his things,” Rarity declared. “We’ll be in the map room when you’re ready to rejoin us, New Blood."
Twilight looked at Blueblood and gave him a sheepish, “what can I do?” shrug, and followed her friend out of the room. The door shut behind them with a sharp click.
Once outside the room, Twilight took Rarity aside and whispered, "You know, you don't need to do all that for him, right?"
"And not help that unfortunate colt? Not a chance, Twilight! I will gladly aid you in his recovery," Rarity replied, closing her eyes and smiling. "In fact, you should ask the rest of our friends for help. New Blood’s case sounds like something very serious, and you may need all the help you can get. I'm sure that the other girls would gladly lend a hoof or wing, and maybe even have an idea or two for ways to cheer him up."
Twilight heaved an exasperated sigh, and then donned a sincere smile. "You really can't help being so generous, can you Rarity?"
"Not even if I wanted to, darling," Rarity punctuated with a wink.
"Fine, we’ll tell the others, but we aren’t going all out. As I said before, he’s only staying here for a few weeks. And he’s still a young colt, and you know how they can get about their personal space. If we come on too strong, we may just end up pushing him away, or we could end up making his condition worse. We should tread lightly around him."
"Clear as a crystal pony, darling!”
"And that includes making clothes for him," Twilight added, pointing a hoof into Rarity’s chest.
Rarity stared at her, dumbstruck and appalled by the very thought. "W-what?! But Twilight, can't you just imagine how adorable he would look in a dashing formal suit?" she pleaded.
"Maybe, but only if he asks."
Rarity sighed, feeling dejected. "Very well, message received. No suits unless he asks for them.” She then tapped her chin in thought. “What about a cute little bow tie?”
"No."
“Perhaps a top hat? There was a truly dapper visiting professor with a Bittish accent the other day who would certainly agree with me! You’d like him too, he said he loved solving—”
“No!”
“…Not even a ruffled shirt with a pocket watch?”
"Rarity!"
Meanwhile, in Blueblood’s guest room
Once the door had closed, the small prince let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and started to pace in circles.
Okay, calm down, calm down. Things may be getting confusing, but you’re still in control. You just…need to think things through. Try to remember, try to understand what’s happening.
The prince proceeded to do some breathing exercises to relax his heart. Once he had accomplished his goal, he took a moment to stop and sit on the bed so he could concentrate properly.
First things first: what do I understand about this place so far? Well…I'm definitely in another world or universe, one where ponies can talk. Colors are a lot more saturated, too, although that could be because of the body I’m in. Apparently, I ended up in the skin of a class A jerk, one that even his own family had difficulties in loving, and magic is not smoke and mirrors here…
He let out a long, tired sigh and looked himself over in the mirror atop his nightstand, before looking up at the new appendage he now possessed.
Not to mention that apparently I, as a unicorn, should have magic, and it’s apparently a big deal if a unicorn can't use it.
He looked down at the floor and frowned at this thought.
How am I supposed to do something if I didn't even think it was physically possible in the first place? Wait. No, NO! Focus!
He gave a few shakes of his head and stood up, bringing one of his hooves to his chin, deep in thought.
That’s not important right now. What I need right now is to figure out what I was doing before I woke up here…
Blueblood closed his eyes and tried concentrating as hard as he possibly could, trying to clear the fog in his head. What began as small and blurry forms in the dark began to transform into crystal clear images of his past.
"Look dad! Isn't this hero incredible?"
In his head, Blueblood managed to see a faceless image of a small human boy, with a mount made of light, holding a comic and talking to a larger figure whose face he couldn't see.
Is that…me…? I remember now…I really loved superheroes and video games. Gah! I'm such a geek.
He smiled at the memory until he remembered his father's reaction.
"Well, isn't that adorable? But son, this is just make-believe, and worse, a waste of time. And money," the figure replied before snatching the comic away. "Here, I have a better way for you to spend your time."
He retrieved a baseball glove from a nearby bench and handed it to Blueblood, smiling condescendingly. "Starting tomorrow, you’ll be playing America's game, sport. Comic books will rot your brain!"
“W-what? But dad, that’s not what I want to do!"
His father laughed affably and softly patted his head. "You’re too young to know what you want. Father always knows best, after all."
The images changed and the once small human was now taller, showing off a piece of paper to his father.
"Dad, I did it! I passed my exams, with top honors!"
"I'm so proud of you son, and look, I have a surprise for you too!" His father handed him another piece of paper. "I’ve already enrolled you into the perfect college!"
"What? B-but dad, I already have a college in mind! Couldn't you at the very least talk to me about this before you—?"
"Oh, you’re still being that adorable little son of mine, still thinking about your silly games and heroes,” His father shook his head and smiled. “But now? It's time for you to grow up and have a proper job. You should be happy, with your brains you’ll graduate in no time, and can finally work in my company."
"But dad, I don't want to—"
"And unless you have your own money, don’t expect me to pay for your education unless you go to the school I picked. Do I make myself clear?"
His son tried to keep his emotions in check, angrily clenching and unclenching his fists as he faked a neutral expression. "Yes sir…"
He felt a tear on his cheek, overwhelmed by a toxic mix of sadness and anger swirling around in his skull at how events unfolded.
Why, dad…? Why didn't you ever listen to me? I did everything you asked of me…so why did you never once consider what I wanted?
The next memory was in a large, glamorous living room, in front of a fireplace with his father sitting on a sofa, while he paced in front of him.
"I can't take it anymore!"
"What do you mean, son?"
The son stopped, looking straight into his father's eyes. "The lessons, the teachers, my classmates. Everything! Everything in that place is just tedious, repetitive, and boring!"
"And why exactly does that matter? Besides, you’re once again top of your class. You’re clearly my son, and I’m proud to say that!" the father replied, lifting a cup in the air as a toast to his son’s future success.
"I don't care! What’s the point in what I'm doing if it’s not what I really want?"
"The point? The point is you are not ending up homeless and forgotten!" The father stood up, glaring at his son. "Do you really think the world is all sunshine and rainbows? I will tell you this just one last time: the world is cold. It’s tough, so you have to be tougher. Man up, and stop your whining, or so help me, I will show you what real misery is. Now get out!" he yelled, pointing to the door.
The son quickly succumbed to his father's words and promptly left the room.
"I’d better see some improvements on that attitude of yours soon, young man. In fact, I’d better see something expensive for Father's Day," the father called as he left, resuming his drinking and reading.
He truly didn’t have any mercy on me. God…why did he hate me so much?! Blueblood wondered in disbelief.
Soon he saw himself in a meeting room staring at an elderly lady on her knees crying her eyes out in front of him, before being abruptly grabbed and removed by security. His father moved in behind him and slowly patted him on the back, satisfaction evident in his eyes and smile, which was now twisted and demented, a far cry from its previous farcical warmth.
"Nicely done, son, just like I taught you. Ahh, your first kill as the shark in the waters of business is always the most memorable."
"That…that lady…I just…destroyed her entire life! For profit…"
"And what a profit it was!” his father gleefully pointed out. “Do you know how many zeros you just added to this company’s pocket book?"
"But…s-she genuinely loved her company! What is she going to do now?"
"Pfft, who cares? We’ve just made millions, and now it's time to celebrate. I think it’s finally time for you to play with the big boys.'' The father tried to take him away, but Blueblood remained in place, still in complete shock at what he had just done.
"I think I broke her…"
"I won’t say it again, boy. Move it,” the father repeated, this time pulling his arm, forcing him to walk away with him.
That’s right…that damned company dad loved so much. He really loved money. I…I think he loved it more than mom. Is that why she left us before I could ever meet her…?
The image changed one final time. However, this one was clearer than the others, showing both the son and his dad on the rooftop of a large building.
"I'm done."
"…What did you just say?" his father hissed, anger present in his voice.
"You heard me. I can't take this anymore! Working like this is like…it’s like selling my damn soul away! Everyone is out to get me, and the only thing that anyone seems to care about is money and power!"
"That’s exactly how the world is, son. Do you seriously think that there are people that would give a damn about you if it wasn't for your wallet? Just know that the moment you step out of this building, I will NEVER give you a single cent."
"Fine by me, 'father’!” the son roared at him. "You’ll see! I’ll make a name for myself, following MY rules, and I’ll show you that this ‘grim and depressing world’, is nothing like you brainwashed me to believe. There’s good in people!"
The enraged father only chuckled and grinned cruelly at him. "You should know that when you come crawling back after it all fails, I will work you to the very bone. You will not rest a single day, will not ever see the sun, and you will NOT be shown any mercy, not until you finally give up on your moronic notions about life."
The son actually waved slightly, not out of fear, but of pity for the father he once respected. "…You know dad, a part of me always wanted to believe that in some form, some way, there was a part of you that actually loved and cared for me. However, now I know it was just a lie I told myself at night to make me feel a semblance of normalcy around you. Goodbye, father.”
The prince turned to leave, but as soon as he did, a loud booming explosion made both of them lose their balance and fall from the rooftop, which had just collapsed into a burning hellscape of concrete and death. Recovering quickly, they ran to the stairs, both of them panicked. Once they were in the room below, the prince coughed the dust away and stared in horror at what he saw.
The entire building was an inferno. There were people running everywhere, and screams filled the air. The thick black smoke was suffocating, and seeing through it was nigh impossible. He tried to make a run back to the stairs, but a large concrete pillar collapsed on top of him, shattering his legs and destroying his lower spine, making him unable to move.
He screamed in pain and fear, as fire licked at his heels and clothes. Why wasn’t anyone helping him?!
Blueblood at that moment remembered the reason why he was seeing all of this. There was an accident. Someone started a fire in the server rooms, and the fire spread to the boilers. Before he or anyone else knew it, they were already trapped. Nobody could hear his cries for help over all the commotion that was going on at the moment. Nobody except for his father who, to his luck, was still in one piece. Even though he remained faceless, Blueblood could still see this staggering height and slightly muscular build. Even though he was in his late forties, he was in remarkably good shape.
He's here! He’s going to help me. He really does care for me! Blueblood was about to smile for joy, but the next words that came out of his father’s mouth stabbed him in the heart with the delicacy of a jackhammer.
His father knelt down next to his ear and whispered in a voice as smooth as silk and sadistic as the Devil himself. "Not so high and mighty now, eh son?"
"Father w-what are you doing? This place is falling apart! Hurry up and HELP ME!” The prince extended his hand out to him, begging for help, but all he got was a glare and his father dusting the shoulders of his normally immaculate suit.
"Didn't you say you were going to make a name for yourself? Well, here’s your one chance. Go help yourself, and be quick about it. That fire’s getting hot," he replied nonchalantly, before sprinting away towards the exit stairwell.
"Dad? Dad?! DAD!!!! PLEASE!!" Both Bluebloods screamed for their father, but he never once looked back. They continued to stare in despair until the walls collapsed upon the younger self and buried him alive in an infernal grave of concrete and sorrow.
Tears started to stream from Blueblood’s eyes, and the image started to slowly fade away. Frustration and rage coursed through his head, and his vision went red.
"Not like this…not like this…It was supposed to be a new start for me. It was supposed to be the beginning of my life! To end it now, it just isn't fair! WHY?!"
The rest of the building slowly crumpled on top of him even as he wept, completely ending the memory. Blueblood gasped for air, awakening him in a cold sweat, with his heart lodged in his throat.
I died…I really died! But that means…
Blueblood held his head with both hooves in shock.
I'm not just stealing this poor pony’s body, I'm possessing it! I'm a ghost that somehow ended up here. I never truly had a voice back in my world, and now I don't even have an identity here! If they found out what I am they could exorcize me! I…I’d be gone forever!
Blueblood rushed out of his room and toward the bathroom that, thank God, wasn't too far away. He hung his head over the porcelain seat, his stomach churning in protest from stress and swirling emotions. His trembling hooves clutched the bowl like it was his only lifeline.
None of this was supposed to happen. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, but for whatever reason he was, and it could all be over in a flash of magic.
Blueblood’s stomach lurched again, this time not a threat but a declaration of intent, and violently introduced his breakfast to the toilet. Panting and sweating over the bowl, he vomited again but nothing came out but sour bile. His stomach was now as empty as he felt.
He flushed the toilet and watched as his shame and guilt swirled around the bowl before disappearing down the drain. The sight could have been poetic if it wasn’t so disgusting. The previous Blueblood had flushed his own life down the drain, and now his replacement was left floating in an open cesspool. He had to find the strength to paddle out, wading through the murk of the owners’ previous life, clean himself off, and hope nobody decided to cast the first stone.
He let out a couple wet, hacking coughs to clear his throat, spat into the water, then flushed the toilet again.
No matter what happens, they can't find out the truth. They would blame me…they all would. If they didn’t destroy me, I would be locked away forever! I wouldn't even blame them. I would probably do the same in their shoes…
Blueblood pushed himself to his hooves and plodded towards the sink, staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was matted and eyes were bloodshot, and tear streaks matted his muzzle. Now he looked as terrible on the outside as he felt on the inside, both physically and emotionally.
I'm so sorry, Blueblood. I don’t even know if this is something that can be fixed. I just have to do my best and hope I can make things right. Gotta keep moving forward and hope things work out in my favor.
"Hey, dude?"
Blueblood yelped in panic, having heard the voice of Twilight’s little dragon friend. The steady clicks and scrapes of his clawed feet on the crystal floor revealed how close he was. Blueblood hoofed open the faucet and splashed his face a couple times just before Spike waddled through the open doorway.
"Bro, are you okay?"
"Y-yeah, I'm okay, Spike. I just wanted to make myself presentable before we headed out," Blueblood told him, not looking at Spike but instead staring at his sopping reflection in the mirror once more.
"Are you sure? I thought I heard you talking to somepony on my way here," Spike asked, the concern on his face as clear as day.
"Oh…that. I may have accidentally burnt my hoof with the hot water when I turned on the faucet. I was just muttering at myself for the silly mistake, is all."
"Oh yeah, that happened to Twilight too, after we moved in. I thought she was going to lose her temper and blow up the sink or something," Spike remarked. The little dragon approached to inspect Blueblood’s hooves. "Now that she’s a super magical alicorn, I can’t tell with her sometimes. Anyway, are you going to be okay?”
"Yeah, don't worry about it. I was more surprised than anything," Blueblood replied, pulling his hooves away.
"Well, okay then. Just so you know, Twilight color-coded all the faucets in the castle so it wouldn't happen to her again. The red one is for hot and the blue one is for cold," Spike politely informed him, pointing a claw at the faucets on the sink. "And the same applies for the showers. She wanted to use letters so the taps could be sorted alphabetically, but not all species use the same alphabet, and the castle gets dignitaries from all over the place."
Blueblood gave an affirmative nod, shaking loose tiny water beads to splatter on the floor. "I’ll be sure to keep that in mind."
“Okay! Well, if you’re not hurt, then I guess my job here is done," Spike declared, leaving the bathroom and waving a claw as he went. "Try not to take too long, dude. Rarity’s still waiting to take us for ice cream!"
"I’ll be there in a minute," Blueblood replied with fake cheerfulness in his voice, before again looking at himself in the mirror.
"Blueblood, if you’re still in there…if you can hear me…" the colt placed his hoof on the cold mirror, touching his reflection. "I'm going to make things right. I swear it.”
Blueblood quickly dried off his face with a towel before making his way out of the bathroom. "Wait for me, Spike! I'm coming!"
In the map room
After a short walk, both the dragon and prince reached the map room, where Twilight and Rarity were waiting.
"And there’s the colt of the hour!" Rarity announced with a graceful flip of her hair. "Did you finish unpacking your things?"
"Y-yeah, everything’s been sorted and put away," Blueblood replied with a well-practiced smile, which caught Twilight’s attention but managed to fool Rarity.
"Splendid! Then let's go to Sugarcube corner," Rarity exclaimed as she and Spike left the throne room.
As Blueblood and Twilight joined them, Blueblood looked up at Twilight and said, "She can be a bit intense.”
"Please don't be too hard on her," Twilight replied. "She has a soft spot when it comes to little fillies and colts. She has a younger sister, after all. Your case might be the saddest story she’s heard yet."
Blueblood frowned, and hummed to himself.
"Also, great acting back there! Before she left, Spike quickly explained to me about finding you pretending to have a panic attack in the bathroom. You truly sold the image of a young foal suffering from a traumatic experience!” Twilight praised him for his “performance”.
"Heh…yeah, acting…" Blueblood echoed, not daring to look up at her.
Twilight wasn’t so easily fooled, and she sent him a worried look. "Unless…it wasn’t an act. You do know you can always talk to me if something's on your mind, right?"
Blueblood didn’t reply, but looked back at her.
"I know things may be hard for you right now, and how you’re most likely still scared and confused about everything that’s happening, so I won’t press the issue,” Twilight clarified.
Blueblood let out a sigh of relief.
"But you should know that if you ever need to talk, I’ll always be here to listen," she offered with a kind smile as they made their way through the castle’s antechamber.
Blueblood mulled over what she had just said before leaning into Twilight to give her a much-needed hug, which stopped Twilight in her tracks.
"Twilight…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I…I don't want to be a burden, I’m just…s-so scared," he sobbed, unable to hold his emotions in check and openly crying into her fur.
Twilight’s heart melted, and she covered him with a wing, bringing him in for a closer hug. "It's going to be okay, Blueblood,” she whispered comfortingly. “Spike, the girls, Celestia, Luna, and I are all here for you. We’re going to help you get through this. Together."
The two of them kept the hug going for a few moments longer, and then Blueblood let her go. She paid little mind to the tear stains on her coat but used her magic to tidy up the prince’s face. Blueblood sniffed, and smiled up at her. “You know, Aunt Celestia told me that you were her student for a time. I think she taught you more than just magic.”
Twilight smiled, and her cheeks reddened a little. “When the mother figure of most of Equestria is the one teaching you for most of your life, you…tend to pick up a few things,” she said humbly, finishing her spell. "Now, are you ready to go get some ice cream?"
Blueblood sniffled to clear his nose, then quickly nodded.
"Then come on! Let’s make sure Spike doesn’t eat too much and get a stomach ache. Again." Twilight exclaimed, giving him a bump with her flank to get him moving again. They both continued through the castle’s large main door and out onto the path leading to Ponyville, and for the first time since his supposed death, Blueblood felt just a little bit of happiness in his heart again.
Good people really did exist.
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9040034
Thanks
through
smoke
gloves
pulled
9040040
9040039
Thank you, already correct it
9040051
welcome
Good job on the chapter dude and fuck that guys dad he's a dick.
9040120
Thanks, and yeah. He really was a horrible, horrible guy, that got what he deserve in the end
9040127
Amen to that.
Surprisingly good chapter, was not expecting this kind of background for the guy now possessing BB’s body.
9040040
9040039
Heh, you guys have never seen Hajime no Ippo.
I almost mistake the word a lot because of the pronunciation in Japan (glo-bu). And yeah, bad spelling I guess.
I think it would be great to have Blueblood receiving what the poor boy was receiving from his dad, and it would like they changed souls, and they cannot change back if is not because of a wish of a star again. But nopony want that happens again. And this blueblood may deserve this body, and the old blueblood deserves that kind of father.
A man wakes up as a pony in a different world. Not only that but apparently this horse cartoon thing wasn't exactly mister popular, judging by how everyone is staring at him and how shocked they act when he says things like 'thank you' and 'please.'
I am by no means an editor but I felt like this needed some touching up even if it was only my bad attempt.
9040296
And the fun part, is that 10 min ago I pass it throw the grammarly program just to do that, and already clean it up.
Don’t give up good sir. Grammar aside this story is very good so far.
9040387
Thank I will continue to work hard, and put as much heart as possible into this. I'm having so much fun writing this silly little concept
Clear English is a second language to you, but the story is pretty good, think I'll follow it.
9040531
Grasp of English very good. Grasp of tenses. Less so. Grasp of interesting story telling? Very good ^^
I like the idea and execution, but I'm really hoping you manage to get a good editor soon.
I wonder if the changeling necklace affects his mind, this could provide an explanation for the sporadic behavior. He seemed more stable before he got the necklace but maybe he now has the mindset of a child.
9040835
Bulls eye. You are correct. The necklace is dangerous in the hoof of anyone that doesn't have amnesiac or has a strong will. That is why Luna was worry when Celestia offer that option the first time.
The change doesn't just make you change form it turns you in what you imagine. So the more he used it, the more he feels like an actual kid.
9041112
Part of me wants to see "New B." get nicknamed "Bee", as in Bumblebee or Honeybee.
Possible cuteness:
"Buzz, buzz, I'mma bee."
9041213
Ok that will be just adorable, and nice. I will keep it in mind
9040804
Kind of nitpicky but tense isn't separate from language, it's part of it.
9041848
Friends? Next chapter, as for Starlight? Not complete sure but I'm sure she will appear soon enough, she still lives in the castle after all
Hope to see more
Theres some minor spelling issues, but overall this is pretty good
9039814
I would be happy to help you edit your story here and there, but I can't say with 100% certainty that I'd be quick or always online; I have a habit of burning out on projects and dropping them for months before picking them up again.
If you want me to randomly send you edited copies of various chapters of your story whenever-ly, let me know, it's probably better than not having an editor with your current skills.
9042350
That's good!
I wonder if Blueblood and this guy changed fates and Blueblood actually died, so this guy can have another chance of having a family that actually cares about him and his opinion. Morbid, I know.
I will definitely give this story a like.
However, the wording and spelling mistakes prevents me from giving this a fav.
Ooh for the love of everything that is holy try to get the father back in this story just to give him the biggest case of karmic vengeance ever! There is nothing I’m wanting more from this story (other than more funny jokes and situations and stuff). I can see the princesses just going to absolute town on him, really either verbally, physically, or mentally for that matter. Ooh, I kinda wish this was set a little earlier back when Diamond Tiara was badly treated by her parent(s) so this new Blueblood could lay the smack down on her/him/them.
for a grown man he acts like a big wuss, and i understand that HE'S practically stranded and soul swapped or something and with no hope of returning aside from exorcism if they find out, but wouldn't it be easier if he just told them in all honesty and quit being a wuss!
my goodness even if he's a goodie goody person i wanna kick him right in the balls for being a wuss!
still nice story though!
9070366
Just because you would react a certain way to information doesn't mean everyone would. Hes doing the smart thing by being cautious.J
Knowledge is power, there is a great difference between secrets and lies.
The backstory seems a little too over the top IMO.
That last bit was just paychopathic levels of cruel. Maybe instead of an office accident and a monster dad, he (New B) could refuse to keep working for his father, and ruining other people's lives. After a fight, he breaks contact, and then he dies (maybe in a car accident?), without his father even knowing.
This would still be sad, but leaves space for his dad to not be a complete monster. Also, as he died after a fight, it leaves him a reason to be a ghost (he has unsolved problems and all that).
Otherwise, the story is awesome. The "human reincarnated in a pony" is a very common trope, but this is very well written.
9075206
Thanks and I like the idea of giving the dad some semblance of humanity. It has potential, and it could work know that I will really think about it
9075281 I disagree. There are such people in the world, parents who control their childrens lives completely, which appears to be the case here. I can see this happening, the protagonist never quite able to make the break from his father.
The only thing I can add is it seems a bit of a coincidence how it ends. I could see the following scenario:
The explosion weakens the roof and it is about to fall on his father, so he rushes forward to push his father out of the way and gets trapped instead. Cue father abandoning him, because we've established his father is a sociopath. It would give a better explanation of how he was trapped, and a reason someone might give him a second chance.
This is a good story, let down by spelling, grammar and vocabulary. I know that's not your fault, but it needs an editor.
"Je yeah, acting" Blueblood comments not daring looking at her, which concern Twilight.
Death to the Je’s.
Also, why not ask the comment section to help with the editing. If everyone post like one correction per comment the story would be improved
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Thanks. Now I cant help but think of it as kekekekekeke and Equestria already has a lord of chaos.
I have been reading through your story and you have developed an interesting plot. I like your concept and how you are moving forward with it at a good pace. However, the grammerical and spelling mistakes you are making are like speed bumps on a highway. They rattle the teeth of the reader and interrupt the flow of your words.
I believe the biggest problem you have is with proofreading your work before posting it. You need to carefully review your story, or at least have someone whose judgement you trust proofread and edit it for you. What started as a few mistakes is ballooning into something that I cannot enjoy. Reading should be a pleasure for the person entering your world and a challenge for the writer to improve grammar, spelling and syntax. Work on this, or you will find few people who really enjoy your work. You must master the structure or it will collapse around you. That said, keep writing. You only improve through effort.
You've got an interesting idea here, but you SERIOUSLY need an editor. Spelling and grammar errors, things that should have been reviewed before you ever posted. I would rather see chapters come out more slowly but be proofread over chapters published quickly but this jarring... mess you have going on currently. Waiting a week to have chapters proofread isn't going to kill the reader base.
My other biggest gripe is I feel you were overselling the "asshole father" bit. Yeah there are douche bags out there, but it was bit too much.
I also think you could have done better than "New B" for a name. Why not something like "Cobalt Essence". Sounds way better IMO.
Grammarly’s nice, but it doesn’t beat having an actual human editor.
Why does Blue act like a child? Not just when he's changed by the amulet, I mean constantly. Is he mentally deficient? I thought it was established early on that he wasn't actually like a child at all. Yet, he acts like one.
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I think that's the point. it's all an act just so ponies don't know he's actually a human soul in the body of Blueblood, one of the most hated ponies in Equestria and let's be truthful here what would you do if you were in this guy's place and you have absolutely no knowledge of MLP universe to fall back on? You can't risk making the pony you have taken over look like a crazy person and get yourself thrown into an insane asylum and ect and so on. Chances are you're probably improvised as you go and hope things don't turn into a complete FUBAR.
Jesus Christ the grammar and wording in this is atrocious.
eat
Now I know it's just a lie I kept telling my self
loved
some breathing exercise to relax his hearts, wow he really is alien
Potential and plots aplenty, but the grammar and spelling, especially spelling, is horrible.
This is the stop where I get off the train. It has become simply impossible to ignore the blatant grammar errors.
Even my previous sentence received better editing and correction from my phone as I've been typing.
I don't know if you've stated whether English is your first or second or third language, but you're almost deliberately choosing to not even try to do well. I've seen multiple comments recommending grammarly, and I hereby myself recommend that you use GDocs. It will help you to choose the correct word and spelling based on the context of your sentences.
Some people may be able to tell a story, but the lack of editing hurts if you're trying to write it down. It's like watching a movie where the projector keeps skipping a few frames and the sound glitches.
This a good story in desperate need of an editor, and I hope you find one that can at least smooth over the basic grammar and spelling errors that pop up.
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The chapter has being edited, in case you wish to read it again. It will be easier this time
Editors note:
Currently, the flashback of how the main character becomes Blueblood , the part between the linebreaks, is unchanged as there are Plans™ to rework it. Skipping it won't affect the story.