Midnight Chats (Edited by RB, CC, GT4 And TS)
"So, all you needed to do was take a picture of me mingling with you to leak to the nobles. That way, they stop trying to find out what happened to me," Blueblood summarized after Thorax was finished speaking.
"Precisely," Thorax said with a nod. "But we can't take the picture now. With how you look, it would appear that we beat you up for a deal, or something."
"Well, no, not really. It all depends on the context," Blueblood mused, looking at both him and Celestia. "Look, from what I’ve gathered, my past self was, in short, a sociopath. So if I really was like that, then that means that meeting with changelings would be more than just searching for allies and ignoring the ones that I had. It would be a way of entertaining myself."
"What do you mean?" Celestia asked.
"This is how I imagine my story will have to go: the meeting would go as planned, just like you told me, but this wouldn't be about helping them enter into noble society. It will be about them crawling at my hooves, seeing who can be the most useful to me. Then I would let the others beg as much as they want, only to refuse their petitions, leaving only a few to serve me as my pawns."
Thorax blinked and his jaw dropped slightly. "...That sounds horrible!"
"And in-character," Celestia admitted in shame. "Since puberty, I don't recall Blueblood having any kind of real friends, just ‘assets’ and ‘contacts’ to do whatever he needed, whenever he needed it."
"And that is what we need to do to keep making Equestria believe that was what happened, so we can spread rumours of me finding new pieces to use,” Blueblood added. “Maybe just deliver a 'leaked' list of options to the public with some of the names crossed out, indicating that they 'didn't make the cut'." He looked down at his injuries. "And that will be the moment that my wounds come into play."
"What do you have in mind, nephew?" Celestia asked, her interest thoroughly piqued.
Before Blueblood could answer, Red Heart entered the room. "Excuse me, Your Highnesses?"
When their attention was all on her, she cleared her throat and continued, "Visiting hours are over. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have to ask you both to leave."
"I understand, Nurse Redheart, but can't you give us a few more minutes? This is rather important," Celestia pleaded.
The nurse shook her head. "I’m sorry, but rules are rules, and the prince needs his rest. Tomorrow morning he can be discharged, but for now, he needs to remain here in observation."
"But…" Celestia began to protest.
"Auntie, it’s ok, I can tell you tomorrow,” Blueblood assured her. “Although...it might actually be better if I don't tell you everything at once."
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "What? Why?"
"Don't take it personally, auntie, but it’ll help a lot if your surprise is more genuine with my story, and well..." He hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "I was told that your acting skills...need some work."
"Are you saying I can’t act? Who told--?" Celestia paused mid-sentence and her eyes narrowed in suspicion. She then turned and glared out the window at the moon in the sky. "Luna..." She hissed as Redheart lightly pushed both her and Thorax out of the room, the latter taking the changeling necklace with him.
"Get well soon, Blueblood,” Thorax said, waving as he left. “We’ll come for you first thing in the morning."
Blueblood waved back. “See you there,” he called after them, chuckling as Redheart had to pull Celestia back from re-entering the room. He then stifled a yawn and laid his head back against the pillow to get some sleep.
In the waiting room
"We need to tell her, Twilight," Applejack said once everypony was sitting in a circle. Rarity had, by this time, recovered once more and was in a less faint-y mood, and was currently scowling. Spike still kept the magazine fan ready, just in case.
"I agree, but do you think this is the right time?” Twilight argued. “I mean, you saw how she reacted with what happened this morning, Faust only knows what she will do if she finds out that at some point her nephew almost died, and that experience is probably what made him the way he is now."
“She still has the right to know, Twilight." Rainbow chimed in. "At least, I know that if something had happened to my mom or dad and you knew, I’d be peeved that you had just decided not to tell me."
“Language, Dashie!” Pinkie exclaimed. Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"I think I’d be very sad if something like that had happened to me, even if I would be sad when you told me,” said Fluttershy. “At the very least, I’d be happy knowing I can trust you...n-not that I don’t trust you, Twilight..."
"Yeah, Twilight! Besides, it’s Princess Celestia we’re talking about, I'm sure she can handle it just fine," Pinkie agreed with a cheerful nod.
Twilight noticed that Rarity had been unusually quiet since they started talking. "Rarity? Do you have anything to--?"
"I believe,” Rarity interrupted coldly, turning up her snout. “That I have already said all I wanted to say, and that you all know my feelings about this situation. I have nothing more to add."
"Rarity, please, I know you had a horrible night with him, but like Starlight said, it was just one night. She and Discord have done way worse things and we forgave them,” Twilight implored. She then glanced at Starlight and added, “No offense."
Starlight held up her hoof and smiled. "None taken. Besides, it’s a valid point. Tell me Rarity, if you accepted me, why can't you accept an apology from him?"
"Because even when being evil, you and Discord were still better than him," Rarity snapped. Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes and said, "Let me rephrase that. When Discord was on the loose, he just did what he always does: make chaos. That is all he knows, and all he is. For Celestia’s sake, don't you remember what Fluttershy once told us? If he doesn't perform acts of chaos, he could quite literally fade away."
"Oh, I remember that day,” Fluttershy shivered. “It was really scary, thinking that he was gone forever."
"And as for you Starlight,” Rarity continued, pointing at her. “Yes, you did all of those horrible things, but even when brainwashing us, you never once looked down on us."
“I destroyed the world,” Starlight deadpanned. “In several timelines.”
"True, you did destroy the world several times. Yes, you wanted to break up our friendship. However, you never considered us lower than you, or not even worth your time. That 'prince'," Rarity said, practically spitting the word, "Is no better than Tirek, Sombra, or Chrysalis! No, scratch that, those three had actual power to back up their actions and claims! He is just a spoiled, full-grown brat that is never going to change, and the only thing he does is use others for his whims. He gets no sympathy from me."
Rainbow whistled. "Geez Rarity, that's a bit harsh, don't ya think?"
"He made me give him a piggyback ride the moment we met!" she yelled back, shivering in disgust. "And what's more, he made me pay for his food! He is still the same bratty, snooty colt as before."
"Uh, Rarity?” Spike spoke up, and immediately wished he hadn’t, but it was too late now. “No offense, but in both cases you were the one refusing to take 'no' for an answer."
She glared at him, and he shrank back. She then turned her snout up again and declared in indignation, "That may be. However, if he really had a near death experience, I say he got precisely what he deserves, and if he really wants my forgiveness, he’ll have to do better than that."
Twilight sighed. "Please, at least give him a chance, Rarity. He really has changed."
"We shall see," Rarity said, her tone one of finality. She spun around in her seat and crossed her forelegs with a huff.
Starlight coughed into a hoof. "Ahem, well, if we can get back to the subject at hoof, I might have another point to add. This near death experience might be the clue to his amnesia. I mean, we’ll definitely have to investigate further, but if we think of the side effects, perhaps we could find the reason he lost all his memories."
"I think I heard of something like that,” Twilight remarked. “It’s called a self-preservation coma, and it's mostly when the brain just...shuts down everything and puts the patient in a catatonic state in a last ditch effort to save their lives. Once the danger passes, it usually goes back to normal."
Starlight thought it over, but then remembered the incident at school. "I don't know, Twilight. There are some things in there that just don't add up."
"We can investigate that when the time comes,” Twilight conceded. “For now, we need to make a decision: would it really be wise to tell the princess?"
All of the girls nodded in solemn agreement. Then, after a surprised double-take, they realized that Rarity was nodding alongside them. She met their stares with one of her own, and she frowned. "What?” she grumbled. “As much as I despise him, if it serves to give the princess peace of mind, I say it's for the best. I’m not doing this for him."
"Then I guess it’s decided,” Twilight said. “Once she comes back, we’ll tell her."
"Tell me what?" Celestia asked as she and Thorax walked in.
Most of the girls jumped in surprise, and Spike rolled his eyes. “Saw that coming,” he quipped.
"Princess Celestia,” Twilight greeted. “How is Blueblood doing?"
"He’s fine, just tired, so he’s going to spend the night here,” Celestia answered. “Tomorrow morning we’ll be picking him up. I must apologize for monopolizing the visiting hours."
"Don't worry none, princess, ya needed to talk with him,” said Applejack. “And speakin’ about talkin’...we need to discuss somethin' with ya." She nudged Twilight lightly. "Go ahead Twilight, tell her."
Twilight sighed and approached her former mentor. "Princess, there’s something you need to know about Blueblood."
At Jet Set and Upper Crust’s mansion
In a mansion set high above much of Canterlot, a gathering was taking place in Jet Set’s office, with a veritable who’s-who of nobles looking at a map of Equestria with keen interest. A unicorn stallion with gray fur and a black mane crossed out another city on the map before leaning back in his chair and sighing. "Another failure," he said in disappointment. "He isn't in Las Pegasus either.”
"Say, Jet Set honey," a unicorn mare with light pink fur and a red wine mane and tail spoke up, catching everypony’s attention. "Don't you think that perhaps we’re looking at this all wrong? Who's to say our princely friend isn't just out having a private fling with some of his maids?"
"Oh please, Scarlet Lips," Sharp Shot chided. "Do you really think someone as elitist as him would go after a lowly, common maid? No matter how beautiful a mare is, we all know Blueblood only goes for noblemares. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing but."
"Oooh, maybe the princess of another nation then?" Scarlet Lips suggested with excitement. "That would certainly be a delicious piece of gossip, with a twist at the end! The brave prince, having to fight off the pretender dragon to win the hoof of the gorgeous princess." She swooned, and fell back into the pillows of the couch she sat on.
Sharp Shot rolled his eyes. “You idiot, dragons may be brutish thugs, but they aren’t so stupid as to kidnap princesses. Besides, their new Dragon Lord actually has a brain, and she’s allied with us.”
“Let me dreeeeeam!” Scarlet Lips whined.
"Moving on, what options do we have left?" Jet Set asked Sharp Shot as they and the rest of the nobles continued to look at the map. "Appleloosa, Manehattan, and...Ponyville."
The nobles glanced at one another before breaking their practiced masks of unreadability and roared in laughter. "Oh sure, Ponyville, like he would be caught dead in that monster-infested dump!" Upper Crust joked, crossing out Ponyville’s name without a second thought.
“You might as well cross out Appleoosa too,” Jet Set added. “That dust bowl only has home-grown hicks and apple-obsessed mules.” Upper Crust nodded and scratched out Appleoosa as well.
"So that only leaves Manehattan, then. You have contacts there, right Fort Nox?" Jet Set asked, turning towards a large earth pony stallion with a formal suit and fedora who was eating a carrot stick.
Fort Nox swallowed a piece of his carrot and replied, "Yeah, I got some of my sources dere, but dat place is pretty big. It’ll take some time before I can get back to yous."
"How long?"
He shrugged. "Let's say four days, tops. Dere’s always a meetin’ here and dere popping up in the city, and it can be confusin’ just keepin’ track of things."
"That’s acceptable," Sharp Shot said with a grin. "Now, does everyone know what to do once we find him?" They all nodded.
"Oooh, I wanna keep him allll for myself," Scarlet Lips sighed, fluttering her bedroom eyes. Sharp Shot groaned and face-hoofed.
"I’d be more dan happy just to be in control of his pocket book," Fort Nox rumbled.
"And we’ll be taking care of his status," Upper Crust said with a sinister grin.
Sharp Shot nodded. "Perfect, then it’s decided. We’ll keep on the lookout for further movements and, just in case, one of us should go to Appleloosa and see if he shows up there."
"Why would he even be dere?" Fort Nox asked with a raised eyebrow. “Remember what Jet said?”
"That’s where I would go if I wanted to do something in secret and seclusion, dusty and worthless as it may be," Sharp Shot explained. "He was already a moron when it came to being subtle, and now that he has no brains at all...who knows?"
Fort Nox shrugged. "Heh, well den, can't argue with dat logic."
"Sharp Shot, sweetie, you haven't told us what you would like to take from this little enterprise of ours," Scarlet Lips said, rolling onto her back on the couch and staring at him with half-lidded eyes. "It’s not proper to leave a lady in suspense. Please, you gave it enough build up, just tell us what’s on that wonderfully handsome head of yours."
Sharp Shot scooted away from her. "First off, somepony get this gold-digging trollop away from me.”
Said “trollop” playfully stuck her tongue out at him and winked.
“And secondly, to answer your question,” Sharp Shot continued. “Let's just say that with his influence I have some plans for the Wonderbolts."
"Oooh, is some old war hero wishing to have his position back on the team?" Scarlet Lips teased.
"Coming back? Please, my plans are hardly so minor. I have big plans. Plans your pea brain couldn’t even fathom."
"You don't say? Well now, you’ve just piqued my interest; tell me more," Scarlet baited him.
Sharp Shot chuckled and walked away from the group. "Come now, Scarlet, that just wouldn't be wise. Besides, what is it that you always say when you write those romance novels of yours? Always leave them…” He paused, turning his head and smirking at her. “...wanting."
She let out a huff in exasperation and rolled onto her belly once more with a pout. "Oh, you tease."
"Well, I suppose that’s that for the meeting for now," Jet Set concluded, rolling up the map and hiding it in his desk. "We shall continue as soon as Fort tells us what he finds."
Fort Nox nodded and slipped off his chair, walking over to the door. "Yous can count on me; my ponies always find their target."
"Sleep well, you two. Ta-ta!" Scarlet got up and left the room with a less-than-subtle sway in her shapely hips, which caught Jet Set’s attention.
Upper Crust jabbed him in the ribs with an indignant hoof. "Jet!"
"What? Don't go and say that she didn't do that on purpose," he defended himself. This, he would find out later, was the worst possible thing to say to his wife.
Unbeknownst to them, a Night Guard had discreetly been spying on them the whole time from the shadows outside the window, and sighed in disappointment and disgust as the nobles left their meeting.
Bunch of jackals...better report this to the commander.
In the dream realm
In a calm field of grass, where there was only a single tree rising for miles, the prince admired the stars of the night sky, feeling the cool breeze of the wind on his fur while resting under the tree. Having a peaceful dream for once was a nice change of pace, he decided as he closed his eyes. Before long, however, he felt he was no longer alone, as soft hoofsteps slowly approached him.
The prince sighed and opened his eyes, seeing Princess Luna sitting in front of him with a neutral expression. "Princess Luna," he greeted cordially.
"Nephew," she greeted him back, keeping to her emotionless stare.
"Let me guess, you already know what happened, right?" Blueblood asked, already knowing the answer.
The princess nodded. "I was informed of it, yes."
"Are you here to reprimand me too?" he asked. "Princess Celestia already--"
Luna stopped him by lifting her hoof. "I'm not here to say what has already been said. I'm not angry, nephew, just disappointed. And hurt," she said before breaking eye contact, looking away in sorrow.
"Princess, I'm sorry. What happened to the prince...this was the safest route I could take,” Blueblood tried to explain. “I didn't know where I could possibly find a hydra, let alone sneak into their den and just--"
"Blueblood, stop!" Luna screamed, staring at him with tears in her eyes. "Please, nephew, just...stop this. This quest of yours, the lies, the schemes, the self-degradation, all of this! It has to stop…please stop treating me and Celestia like we aren’t family."
“But princess, I’m…” Blueblood began.
“No.” Her expression turned to anger and she pointed at herself. "A different soul or not, you are still my nephew and I'm your aunt, so even if you don't believe it, just forget formalities and address me as such."
The prince raised a hoof, then looked away in shame. All he could feel was intense guilt, and it was stopping him. "I…I want to," he whispered, lowering his limp hoof. "But I can't."
"Why? Why is it so hard for you to just accept that you have a second chance, that you can start again? Just like you promised your father."
"Because doing it like this would mean condemning another soul!" he shouted back.
"And I told you, there is no soul that you are oppressing!" she retorted, spreading her wings wide.
"What?"
She folded back her wings and sighed, "All these talks we have, all these nice dreams I gave you...I didn't just do it to help you feel at peace, nephew. I heard your story and I believe you; trust me when I say I do. But if you really thought that another soul was trapped in here, I was going to help you find him, and that is what I did. From top to bottom I searched, yet I couldn't find anything, not a single piece of Blueblood’s soul was amiss. I managed to recollect all of your memories, maybe even awaken some past experiences along the way." She gave a small snort of amusement and smiled sadly at him.
Blueblood’s eyes widened, realization dawning in his mind. "The flip in the school...that was you? But…that was before we talked."
Luna nodded, "I might have been too busy to talk face-to-face back then, but at the very least I could help ease the pain on your mind," she explained, tapping her own head. "And that is what I did, I apologize for startling you back there."
"It…it doesn't matter; doing so saved me from some injury," he said before shaking his head. "No, we’re getting away from the point. Pri…Luna, are you sure? I mean, this is the dream realm, maybe it’s just my mind. Yeah...perhaps you have to enter another one, yeah that’s it. Just need to get out, check the entrance and find the other…"
"Blueblood, listen to me!" Luna grabbed both of his cheeks with her hooves. "Any option that you’re thinking of, I already did. I have lived for countless millennia. Tartarus, I wrote the book on how to approach this situation, possession, and dreams alike! If I couldn't find anything, it’s because there isn't anything to find."
She let him go. "Your past self is gone for good. You might have started as a ghost, or awoke as a former life, or maybe you were some kind of dream. I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care anymore. I don't know how it happened, but it doesn't change a single thing." She put a hoof on his chest, over his heart. "This life, this body you reside in, and this family are yours, nephew, now and forever. So please, just accept it and let’s live together as the family we were always meant to be." She put her hoof back and looked at him with pleading eyes.
"I…" The prince gazed at her and then at his hoof, which began to tremble. "I want to do it, but...I can't."
Luna could feel her heart break as those words left his lips. She closed her eyes and bent her head downward so as to not reveal her tears to him. Even her mane seemed to lose some of its starlit luster. "Do you truly hate us that much...?" she whispered.
Blueblood immediately went into damage control mode. "Of course not! Luna, what you’ve given me, even if short, has to be one of the best experiences I have ever had. I don't want that to end."
"Then what’s stopping you from letting it continue?"
"The potion,” Blueblood sighed. “I want to be loved by you, princess. I really want to just let it go. But, if I don't at the very least confirm it, if I don't at least try it once, I would never be able to live with myself knowing that maybe another pony is trapped in his own body and I just took over his life."
The princess sighed and lifted her head up once more. "If you complete this task, can I have your word that you will end this quest?"
The prince nodded. "It’s the only thing I ask: one final confirmation."
Luna sighed and spread her wings. "Then so be it."
She ignited her horn, and before the prince realized what was happening, he awoke again. This time, however, the Princess of the Night was waiting for him in the room with a golem made of stone in the shape of a human, and a vial with some purple substance in it.
"For your mental health, and because I'm worried you would continue to put yourself in danger if I don't, let’s give you that final confirmation you crave," she said, levitating the potion towards him
Blueblood stared at the vial, perplexed and amazed. "How?" he asked, looking at Luna in surprise.
"I kept my distance, believing that you wanted to gather the materials alone, and later on, you would just ask for help for the most difficult ones," she explained in a stern tone. "You only needed to ask me once, and I would have gladly brought them all to you. I have a whole cabinet full of ingredients ready for nearly anything, for pony’s sake!"
The prince felt his face flush, and he gave a lopsided, sheepish grin. "Okay, now I just feel stupid."
"As you should,” Luna chided. “Did you ever think about where you would even put your soul afterwards?" She pointed at the golem, and when no answer was forthcoming, she continued, "Without a soul jar to contain your soul when you performed the spell, you would have been lost forever. This is the last time I ever let you practice arcane magic without expert supervision from a trained professional.”
The prince nodded and lifted his hoof to grab the vial, but the princess retracted the potion and narrowed her eyes at him. "And I mean it, nephew; this is the final time. You’ll have your confirmation, and once you are satisfied, I don't want to hear any more talks about you being a possession, do you hear me? You will accept things as they are and let yourself be a part of this family."
"Will do, Pr…"
“Ah-ah-ah!”
"…Uh, I mean A-aunt Luna."
She sighed, giving him the potion. "We’ll work on that later. For now, let’s put an end to this."
After a nod, the prince downed the contents of the vial as fast as he could, almost gagging from the flavor more than once, until it was empty. After he was done, he gasped for some air and gagged.
"Ugh, pah! God, that really tasted like crap," he muttered as he looked at the glass. "Soooo, how long until it takes effect?"
There was no reply.
“Auntie?” He turned to face Luna, only to see that she was frozen in place, and that she and everything else in the room had taken on a monochromatic black and white hue, including himself.
He also noticed that he was no longer injured, and that his entire body looked almost foggy.
Okay, not long at all. And this is definitely weird.
He tried to stand up and walk to the golem, thinking it would just phase through him as if he was a ghost, yet Blueblood discovered his body was still solid and couldn’t enter the puppet.
"~That's not going to wooork!~" a female voice echoed in the distance in a sing-song manner before ending in a giggle, scaring the daylights out of the prince.
He looked up, discovering that there was suddenly no roof, only an endless darkness connected by four walls that just kept extending until being swallowed by it.
"Who's there? What’s going on?" The prince looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. His only answer was more eerie giggles.
The giggling continued as a hooded figure emerged from the shadows in the distance, far away from the prince’s gaze.
"Next chapter will feature me!" The creature said looking behind her.
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Hmm.. interesting. Not sure what to think about this. Maybe there was a possession and he piggybacked? Maybe the potion has a sort of semblance of sentience? Something to do with his mind?
So many possibilities.. I'm intrigued and likely going to give myself a slight headache going through all of the potential explanations in my head :p
This guy has a good set of morals and I look forward to his continued existence as the new and tolerable, even likeable, Blueblood.
Edit: also, Down with the nobles. They seem like the sort that are kind of sneaky with just enough brains to be dangerous, but at the same time are likely too prideful and sure of certain things being the way that they believe it to be, causing them to both overestimate their own intelligence and abilities.
... Basically, they're stupid. Somewhat smart and cunning, with enough resources to be dangerous, but overall seem like very dull ponies from an outside perspective.. or at least my outside perspective.
Cant wait for the next chapter and I may be kinda cruel but I would like to see those nobles end up in a horrible 'accident'.
9079879
I got them don't worry, it just the first chapters are going a bit slower, after 'To Ponyvile' things start to improve. Do not worry I will tackle those pesky ones soon enough
Cool, another chapter and a mysterious character, the plot thickens.
9079952
Look, I'm going to be really frank here. You need english lessons. There are some great how tos on youtube that I'd highly recommend you check out. Untill you understand even the basics of the language I would highly recommend you stop writing as this is some of the worst writing I've ever seen in my entire life and I helped grade english tests.
Just google "How to write english" Or "English writing help" Or something along those lines. Then watch every video you see.
And I would guess that this story is so filled with errors that your editors have probably abandoned the project.
They have probably realized that they will be rewriting 90% of what you write. In my breif scan of the second chapter I didnt see even a single sentance that did not have at least one error. You are basicly asking someone to rewrite your entire story for you, for free. Which is not something most people will do. Especially when the writing is this bad.
I have gone through alot of editors in my day and helped with lots of stories, and the biggest reason I abandoned a story, or author, or had my story abandoned is either I did not feel as though I needed to improve, did not improve. Or I felt like I was doing most of the writing and they were just making an outline that I was forced to rewrite into a legible manner.
You need to take some serious time out and just study how to write english before you do anything else as this isnt even legible. There are times where I genuinely dont even know what your trying to say as the grammer, sentance structure, and everything else is just so poor that it I dont know whats happening.
9079975
I understand, and I thanks the advice, until then it could be better if you stop reading because something tells me that the rest of the chapters will be just as bad if not worse than what you read and you will just end up in rage.
As for stopping writing, that unfortunately I can't do, I just don't feel ok unless I write. I honestly can't so I can only promise that later chapters get a bit better.
9079995
Maybe just dont publish it? I dont feel right, unless I write but if the story doesnt click or it doesnt meet my standards I just dont post it.
9080012
Ah fair enough, still thanks for the advices I will keep them in mind to keep improving. To be frank with you this story is also my way to expose and kill all my problems on writing so, this always help. Thanks for the suggestions and I wish you better luck on the next story you read.
9080012
Buddy... Fimfiction is not a place to publish novels.
Perhaps writers might post things here that might be considered novel-worthy, but if you find one that wouldn't be out of place in a bookstore, just tell me. The number is pretty much single digit.
The purpose of Fimfiction is to have inexperienced fun with writing stories. Stories revolving around a world we enjoy. Often people come here to practice being an author, and most importantly, get feedback as they improve.
I totally agree that the author needs some English lessons, etc. And for the most part, I agreed with your original comment. An editor would have a hard time with this story. Even me, who likes the process of editing itself, might get a bit discouraged at the amount of backlog that I'd have to do.
But the main portion of readers do not require perfect grammar to read a story. Seriously. Even with all the glaring errors, I like reading it just fine.
And based on your comments, it's not like your grammar is that perfect, either.
Sorry for the rant. Maybe you had the best of intentions. But you came off as extremely insensitive and rude. Most importantly, I have seen too many authors crushed by something like your comment. Not everyone here has the best mental state, and we don't know what's happening in someone's personal life.
And a comment like "You can't pay me to read the rest of the story" when they had already suggested you stop?
Yeah... you're not going to make that many friends.
(To be clear, I do hold back some of my stories from publication, because they are mostly just me playing around with stupid ideas. I understand the concept. But to an author still learning how to write, feedback is the most important component besides raw practice.)
9080019
You know what, thats fair. My first story wasnt great either. But now that I've had time to sit and think about this, I really do enjoy the underlying idea you have here, which is why I was initially so taken by the story.
I realize now I was a little rude earlier and now that I've had time to cool down I really think that as soon as you get a handle on the grammer, this story will be great.
If you wanna take a quick and easy way out that will fix alot of your problmes, download grammerly and then just look at a chapter and use all their suggestions. Dont think about it just hover over a red line and use the line they suggest. It will help you learn, and will clean up your whole story without the help of editors.
Wishing you the best man.
9080040
"Buddy... Fimfiction is not a place to publish novels."
You misunderstand, on this site, when you go to post a chapter, the button you use to post it has the word publish, on it. That's what I was referancing.
"But the main portion of readers do not require perfect grammar to read a story. Seriously. Even with all the glaring errors, I like reading it just fine."
People are different, I can put up with quite a few errors, maybe even seven or eight a paragraph. I consider myself pretty relaxed in this regard but there was a sentance a single sentance that was 116 words long... Think about that. A sentance that had 17 grammer errors, and a run time of 116 words.
"And based on your comments, it's not like your grammar is that perfect, either."
If you think my random comment should be held up to the same level of scrutiny as a story that should at least be edited once, then you are sorely confused.
"Sorry for the rant. Maybe you had the best of intentions. But you came off as extremely insensitive and rude. "
Thats fair, after reading my comments I have apologized. I stepped over a line on that one and wasnt thinking.
Also the biggest thing when your learning a new language is practice. You are learning something that isnt second nature, so hammering it home with tons of practice, and help when you get stuck is the best way of doing. Because focused feedback simply isnt possible with a story this poorly written. There are too many errors. It would take hours just to point out and explain all the problems with a single chapter and most likely weeks of non stop work to point out and explain everything wrong with every chapter, which just isnt feasible.
so discord or meany pants is making a appearances nice
Just binge read this. Very much looking forward to seeing what happens next.
9080068
Ok that one made me laugh a little because that horrible english and all you are saying the chapter all have. Yeah all of them already have pass throw Grammarly. At least the basic one, I just can't buy the super ultra advance version but yeah after I finish a chapter I pass it throw the editing process of 2 persons and that page, (the two person part just pretty recently but I do look carefully into them)
9080132
Yeah, being a doormat it was a bit of an intensional thing. Its explain why he is like that, and then hopefully he slowly start to rise into a more interesting character
CLIFFHANGER YOU FUCKER!!!!
or ill cry!
what did you do to the next chapter??!!!
RELEASE THE NEXT CHAPTER!!
9080843
I thought I saw "aja" somewhere in there.
9080078
Again, sorry for the rant. It's kinda hard to hear tones on the internet, and yours (especially with that last comment) wasn't the best in that regard.
And I'm extra defensive in general for newish writers.
Now that I see what you mean, it makes a lot more sense. Spending a bit more time after you finish a chapter to go through everything before you hit that publish button is really important.
hmmmm
eris?
9079975
I'm sorry, what was that about that guy needing to learn English? STFU boi, don't even get me started on your punctuation. You suck. Take a time out from the internet, no one wants you here.
9080921
You are hilarious. I said it below and I'll say it again.
If you think that my comments should be held to the same standards as an edited story meant for tons of people to read, then you are an even bigger fool then I believed possible.
9080928
I'm sorry, did I say story?
Lemme go back and check...
... nope, pretty sure I said English. And since you didn't even understand that basic concept, you should probably take your own advice and pull up an English tutorial. Just sit there for 2 hours and watch it.
9080937
Jesus christ I pissed you off. Honestly you should probably consider taking a break from the internet if you get this mad over a single comment. I cannot even imagine the level of rage that flashes through your mind everytime you peruse a youtube comment section.
pbs.twimg.com/media/C7FSGDUWwAAHCtI.jpg
9080955
I'm gonna make this clear for you, buddy.
The world is already dogging you for the hate comments, and you act like you're above such petty remarks. The world doesn't owe you shit. You already tried to shut down the author by telling him to stop writing. Maybe if you look at your own cringey stories you'd realize you have no room to talk. The English remark isn't the problem, your attitude towards the author is. So on behalf of the author's readers, fuck off... you snooty fucking Prince Blueblood wannabe.
9080992
Lol wut.
I apologized several times, edited my comments and even went so far as to praise the author for what he did right. I know you think you are fighting some sort of valiant crusade against some evil jerk but you could not be further from the truth.
Calm down, take some deep breaths and if it doesnt help, I'd recommend taking a step back from the internet for awhile. This really isnt a big deal.
pm1.narvii.com/6159/086977fe79b187c1a7b89792f28d1ee51b3f7ad6_00.jpg
9081030
Guess so... still, try to be careful what you say. The whole "stop writing" bit was just plain inconsiderate and it grinds my gears when you complain about horrible writing when you yourself are no better. There was someone else who dumbed it down a lot more, but they realized quickly "oh shit... I might've been a bit too inconsiderate."
I've seen some of your comments that you realized this, but just in case... please go study up on your english. Even when you apologized, you couldn't even get it right.
9081049
9081030
Its best we all just take a depth breath and relax, yeah one was a bit rude but he DID apologies and I took his advise, I appreciate the help yeah but lets not turn this into a comment war, ok?
9081055
You are absolutely right. I will do my best to ignore him from now on.
Thank you again.
9081055
sorry... got carried away there.
Okay, what is Pinkie doing there at the end?
and the plot thickens.
dun dun DUN!!!!!
9084834
Well I'm not so sure if they as long as a Rock Croc could be consider animals since they are literally made of woods and rocks so they are more like sentient elements. So chances are, they attack him like prey if he see one
NOPE
It broke the meta, hardly anything good comes from something that can break the meta
You really should look up the meaning of Sociopath and Psychopath before saying anything about them...Sociopath is very much different from Psychopath.
Then there is also Apathy...
OH HELL NO!!
Heh, people forget that sometimes the fourth wall is the ceiling... Though we question the wisdom in breaking it.
cf.geekdo-images.com/camo/d34cd13f24ec342742ee37b8c61dbf6ca44b037d/687474703a2f2f70696e6b69652e6d796c6974746c65666163657768656e2e636f6d2f6d656469612f662f696d672f6d6c6677383836392d6c756e615f6469736170706f696e7465642e706e67
Well um...not being rude but that's actually breaking the fourth wall and I'm a little bit.... Mad
4th wall breaking is never good... well lets see where this goes though from past experiences it's not going to be pretty.
Pretty poor decision to break fourth wall here. Would be better if it was a self contained, non explained reason for why Newbie ended up in the body. Not some fourthwall interdimensional hokus pokus. But oh well, that is what we get.
A shit
Okay, that was funny. Potential spit-take incident, but I don't have a drink at the moment so my laptop is safe.
Also, you need to sic this RB brony on your earlier chapters. This one is much better. So are the last couple. You'll have more people make it to the end of the fic if they aren't dropping it in horror from the rough start!
If this is an example of their editing ability, I'll be able to stop fighting myself to not stop reading again. Definitely pay attention to their changes and you'll improve your English quite a bit!
You do still have some tense changes and minor mistakes here and there, but they're only the sort everyone here is (or soon will be, if they're new to the site) used to ignoring for the sake of a good yarn. Spin away!
That last bit though...
Whut in the deities is with this cliffhanger ending?!
"Nurse? I'm your literal, actual God Empress. Gently piss off, or you'll be spending your PTO on a celestial body."
Well the guy or girl who edited this chapter has done a great job
9755098
And I agree entirely with this guy...or girl
really really really REALLY......minor critique. Change the last part to read 'at you'. That will give the reader a little twinge. Fourth wall breaks are like scalpels. Use delicately, but cut deep.