Equestrian Border Checkpoint

by Yellowtail

Epilogue: I Don’t Fricken Know

I sit in the living room of my house, watching tv. I am feeling refreshed after a good cup of coffee. Today’s my day off, which means that someone else is working at the border. I met the pony who comes in when I’m out, and he’s a swell guy. His name’s Paper Flip. Not exactly the smartest pony, but he is almost as good as me in terms of inspection. Anyway, I got a day off since yesterday was one of the closest times I got killed. The last time was when changelings attacked the border. Idiots only sent two. Anyway, my house is small, but cozy. One living room, one kitchen with a dining room attached, one bedroom, and one bathroom. I have often wondered where I would be without my job. Probably cursing at other ponies while I take a walk down the road. Who knows? In any case, I like to just have a moment to sit here, and- my door snaps from its hinges from the force of a certain orange pony. God. Damn. Ponies. I lazily look over to see Applejack. “Never once, in my entire time living in Manehatten, have you ever opened my front door like a normal person.”

“Well sugarcube, you always lock it and you don’t open it when I knock,” she counters, coming up to sit next to me. See, while I appreciate Applejack’s understanding of my situation in Ponyville, she annoys the crap out of me when she insists that I try her apples. I just know she’ll say something apple-related. Suddenly. I hear a window break and look over to one of the windows in the room. It is now smashed to lil’ bits. I groan quietly. Only one pegasus crashes through my windows. Derpy. I like Derpy, but I also like my bills short and inexpensive.

“Hey Derpy,” I greet.

“Hi Mr Anon! I saw Applejack come in, and I thought that I should come in too!” She says from her spot on the floor. She gets up and trots over to sit on the other side of me. “How are you today?” She asks. I weakly smile.

“Oh. Just peachy. Just trying to enjoy my day off from ponies,” I say. Derpy looks sad.

“Y-you don’t w-want to see me?” She asks. Shit. Backpedal backpedal BACKPEDAL!!!

“No no, you’re fine. Do you want any muffins?” I ask. She gasps excitedly and nods. Applejack raises a hoof.

“I’d like one too!” She says. I shrug.

“Good to know,” I say. I get up and walk to my kitchen. It’s a simple kitchen. One fridge, one counter, and one stove. On the counter, there are a couple of muffins from Derpy. She went by my house yesterday to give me these and wish me good health. I grab one and walk back to the living room. I hand it to Derpy and sit back down in the middle of the couch.

“... Um, Anon, where’s my muffin?” Applejack asks.

“Oh, you wanted me to get one? I thought you just wanted to state you like muffins,” I say, smirking. She grumbles.

“Fine, I’ll get one myself,” Applejack says, getting up. She trots into the kitchen while I continue to sit relatively peacefully. I chuckle as she trots back. “You’re out of apples.” I stop.

“Huh?” I ask.

“You don’t have any-“

“Anon? Why is your door knocked down?” A new voice asks. I recognize the voice instantly.

“Because some idiot knocked it down,” I say. Applejack huffs.

“Cause you never open it,” she defends. I shrug while Celestia walks in.

“Well, in any case, are you alright Anon? That fright at the checkpoint must have shaken you,” she says.

“Fright? What fright?” Applejack asks.

“Oh, some terrorist tried to blow up the checkpoint,” I say.

“What!? Why in tarnation would they do that!?” Applejack asks loudly. I shrug.

“Stupidity or insanity,” I answer. “I’m fine though, that’s like a weekly thing,” I continue. Applejack gasps.

“Weekly!? How do ya’ll survive that mess?” She asks.

“Cause he’s strong,” Derpy says. Celestia nods.

“He is strong, indeed. Not many ponies can immediately stand up after an explosion.”

“Well, that’s because ponies are easy to scare,” I comment. Celestia sighs.

“One day, your comments will bring your doom Anon,” she says. I shrug.

“Eh,” I reply. I pull up the remote as Celestia looks at the door on the floor.

“... Is Applejack the reason your door keeps breaking?” She asks. I nod, not really paying attention. Applejack looks a little embarrassed now. “Applejack. I respect Anon’s privacy, and I’m getting tired of sending someone to fix the door. Please, refrain from breaking it unless it’s an emergency.”

“Yes, princess,” Applejack replies.

“Oh! Oh! I like this show!” Derpy says as I flip to a cooking show.

“Really?” I ask while Celestia and Applejack talk to themselves.

“Yeah! They helped me make my blueberry muffins!” She says excitedly. The ponies in the show consist of a stallion and a mare. They seem to be making hay-bacon, or as I like to call it, vegan bacon. I zone out as the show goes on.

After a while, Celestia leaves and Applejack had to go back to Ponyville. Derpy left as well, having to pick up Dinky from school. I’m not gonna lie, I enjoyed having everyone over. Of course, that doesn’t mean I want the door broken everyday. I just sit on my couch, watching tv. I switched to the news channel to see the weather schedule.

“Yesterday at one in the afternoon, Equestrian Border Checkpoint was attacked by a pegasus terrorist. The inspector at the checkpoint was brave enough to take him down with minimal casualties, including saving everyone from a grenade! We are now, about to interview the brave human!” The news reporter says, standing in front of a familiar house... I look out of my still broken front door to see the same reporter trotting up. The reporter is a purple mare with a navy mane. Her face brightens whens she spots me. “Oh! There he is now!” She says excitedly.

“God dammit,” I mutter. Welp, time for Mr Asshole. I get up from my couch and walk outside.

“Mr Human, we’re currently live, we are here to ask: How did you save the lives of many guards?” She asks. See, I hate news reporters. They tend to try and dramatize anything and everything. They once tried to interview me while I was at work. I did not take kindly to that.

“Well, I grabbed a crossbow...” I say slowly. The reporter nods. “... and I shot the guy in the chest...” I say. The reporter nods, gesturing me to continue.”... and I kicked a grenade.”

“... That’s it?” She asks.

“Well, if I did something awesome, it would cost a couple of ponies’ lives. So, yes, instead of doing some complicated, convoluted, and ridiculous move, I got straight to the point,” I say.

“... W-well, um, we would also like to ask: How do you feel after the attack?”

“Indifferent.”

“... Okay, um, oh! What is it like to be a Border Checkpoint Passport Inspector?” She asks. Oh, this’ll disappoint them.

“Well, day in, day out, I check papers, I decide whether or not the creature in front of me is a moron, and then I decide whether or not to detain them,” I say.

“... Right, well, um, that’s the Equestrian Border Checkpoint Passport Inspector, Mr Human!”

“My name’s Anon.”

“Whatever, stay tuned for the weather!” The news reporter says cheerfully. After a moment, she turns to me with unamusement. “You couldn’t be interesting, could you?” She asks rudely. I scoff.

“You couldn’t be more realistic, could you?” I ask in return. I turn to go back to my house.

“Well, It was nice meeting you Mr Anon,” the mare says unconvincingly. As I walk in, I note to make sure to expressly deny the next news reporter that comes in my line.

As I sit on my couch, I think back to when I first started on the job. I was careless, though I never made many mistakes. I always followed the rules. Except swearing, I fucking swore when I want to. I still do. I was so naive though. I remember the first time I got a citation for an error. It was when this mare came back to see her daughter. Derpy. I was so used to following the rules, I almost denied her instantly, but when she begged me, I had to allow her to pass. Sure, I messed up my job a little, but who cared? After that, I started to question myself a little. I started to see what kinds of creatures and personalities entered my office. From parents, to runaway kids, drug sellers, murderers, friends, families, couples, broken hearts, lost identities, veteran soldiers, refugees, and the ones I never got to know.

The funny thing about me, is that I honestly like my job. I meet many kinds of people, and I could change their entire life with a little stamp. Or I detain them, that too. I may swear at them, I may dislike them, but I always try to have a little consideration.

Author's Note:

Okay... I genuinely did not expect this story to get this many likes. If you guys think I can make a small little series from it, tell me so. I won’t promise I’ll make it, but... I dunno. I had fun making this story

(Update) I made a series. It’s got some chapters and stuff. Enjoy!

Comments

[Rina200]

Do it please

[solarisequestria]

this is the first anon in equestria story that i've actually liked

please make more for us

you know ... if that's ok with you

[Grim0ire]

You can make a small series out of this. I want more!

[goldenboss]

(crowd chanting) series! series! series! series! series!
I would love to see this turn into a series. because I have not found a story this funny in a while and those that I find funny for some reason have been abandoned for years

[Agneyastra]

Really loved the premise of this story. Probably one of my favorite reads in some time. I for one would love to see this made into a series. Please give it some consideration!

[Grumpy]

Id read it :) The story is surprisngly refleshing,dont know why is that but this anon character and his persective is joy to read. Just watch out not to make main six complete comedy of themselfs.

[Fireheart 1945]

This game. Man, one of the most annoying sounds is when the thing comes up that tells you that you goofed.

angryflatcap.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/ppcitations.jpg

[Yellowtail]

9081787

It’s the sound that makes your heart skip a beat in fear when you play perfection! XD

[Fireheart 1945]

9082252

"Protocol violated.
Invalid gender."

That one gets me all the time.

[WorldWalker128]

This was fun, and I am glad to see there is a sequel now!

[ynfiltra]

funny AF bruh!

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

Literally could be made 1000% better by just giving the poor shmuck a name. "Anon" is an instant downvote.

[Yellowtail]

9200847
I know right?
I think it’s funnier how he makes fun of everyone else’s name

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

9200893
"Dude you literally have the shittiest name ever."

[Vaguely Demented]

I find it amusing this is about 1000 times more upbeat than Papers Please.

[supersilverdraco]

I would appreciate more of this. Most certainly. :)

[Sparda_killer_247]

Please continue this, I can’t stop lmao! But seriously, please.

[Yellowtail]

9224613
Oh yeah. There’s a sequel. I meant to update the author’s note.

[Yellowtail]

9245373
Thank you! People have told me how i actually managed to do it right, and I'm glad to hear!

[Yellowtail]

9264885
Heheh. this will make sense later on in Papers Ponies and Attitude, once I get around to explaining it.

[Friendly Spartan IV]

i.imgflip.com/2ltm7b.jpg
-Soviets salute in praise.-

[Yellowtail]

9275864
YES COMRADES!!! VE GAIN POVER EVERYDAY FOR GLORY GREATEST ARTSTOTZKA!!!

[Ranun]

I have not played papers please.
I propably could pirate it but I stopped doing that to games some time ago.
Good story though.

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

9291319
I do proofreading & most folks prefer the paragraph as being easier to find
But, OK, if you say that you don't need it I'll try to remember & leave it off

[Genesis1212]

“Yesterday at one in the afternoon, Equestrian Border Checkpoint was attacked by a pegasus terrorist. The inspector at the checkpoint was brave enough to take him down with minimal casualties, including saving everyone from a grenade! We are now, about to interview the brave human!” The news reporter says, standing in front of a familiar house... I look out of my still broken front door to see the same reporter trotting up. The reporter is a purple mare with a navy mane. Her face brightens whens she spots me. “Oh! There he is now!” She says excitedly.

Motherfucker....

XDD

This story is an absolute gem!

[skyway920]

I like this. this is one of the few Anon story's that are NOT in second person and I like it for that

[M4Tiger4014]

9437044
You fool! You've made on of the classic blunders!

[SirDragon001]

Is it ok if I don't give a like to the Story so that it stays on 689 ?

[Yellowtail]

9636341
Eh, do what you want. Send the like to PPA if you want to put down a like somewhere.

[Kadigan]

The reason people like the story, Author, is because your Anon feels real - a real person, with thoughts and feelings (mostly negative feelings, but still feelings), and most of all... he may be a dick but he actually cares, in an "Always Sometimes try to be nice, but never fail to be kind." sort of way, you know? He's an asshole, but he has to gaze into the very soul of the person in front of the booth sometimes, and he has very little time in which to do it.

And yes, he's good at it. That helps. It helps a lot. It also helps that he's consistent.

I think that, while it might be a tad hard to like the guy, respect for him is immediate. I'll take this guy over fake smiles and hushed insults any day. And, I think that if people stopped factoring emotion into the equation, stopped expecting him to be nice (when was the last time a lady at the DMV was nice to you? it's an institution, they're not there to be nice), instead just accepting what's handed them - the entire interaction would be... well, maybe not pleasant, but also not quite unpleasant, and very efficient.

I'm sure there are people who appreciate the fact that he doesn't waste their time, too. "Get in, get checked, get out."

[Yellowtail]

Ah, yes.
Simpler times.

[WorldWalker128]

9907724
I know what it's from. I just never found it funny.

[vinyldash23]

I love this fucking story. What's the name of the series?

Just found it. never mind.

[Filthy-Casual]

“Well, I grabbed a crossbow...” I say slowly. The reporter nods. “... and I shot the guy in the chest...” I say. The reporter nods, gesturing me to continue.”... and I kicked a grenade.”

"So anyway I started blasting..."

[Noobly60]

I'm loving this! Could... there be more?

[Hero of time]

You ever listen to the paper please song

[Yellowtail]

10171318
Yep. Real catchy.

[Enonnnymous]

This was hilarious! Can't wait to start reading the series.

[WindigogoGadget]

The cover is incredibly based

[darklight731]

Good story, like the no-nonsense attitude.