• Published 30th Jul 2012
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Twilight's Demoman Devastation - Darrtaa



(A follow-up to Lyra's Pyro Predicament) Demoman and Spy battle the forces of evil in Equestria.

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Chapter 3: What Makes Me A Good Demoman?

Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of the characters, nor do I own Team Fortress 2 or any of its characters. I do, however, own Copper Head.

Dear Diary:

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!

I, Lyra Heartstrings, won a raffled Grand Galloping Gala ticket! I'm so excited, and Rarity offered to make my dress for me (note; must payback Rarity)! I'm wearing it now and it's BEAUTIFUL. It's better than anything I could have asked for…but it's a bit too tight.

Alright, I admit, I didn't stick with my diet as much as I should have (of course getting booked to play at Pinkie Pie's parties and NOT having sweets isn't physically possible), but since the Gala is still a day away, so I should have time to get back into the measurements I gave Rarity that I may have fabricated…slightly.

Oh but you should see it! It makes the dress I wore for the Royal Wedding look like a waitress uniform. Hah! It's all red silk with some bright orange fringe around the bottom, looks exactly like flames. I thought it might be nice if I had a dress wonderful enough to go with my ring…

Well, that's enough outta me for right now. I gotta go meet Bon Bon for that workout. Ugh…

Love, Lyra.

+++++

"Common, Heartstrings! You want to *nom* fit in that cute little *om* dresh donmp you?" Bon Bon said between bites of her third muffin that day. "Mmm, these muffins are AMAZING. You want one, Lyra?"

"I…hate you…so much right now…" grunted Lyra as she continued her regiment of fifty push-ups, "Why…are you eating, huh, those while…we're doing this?"

"It's to help YOU burn off more of that flank you don't want, AND…I deserve a little something for not being able to go this year…" Bon Bon said a little more softly as she sighed into what would become her fourth baked good. Lyra groaned, another muffin for Bon Bon meant addition grams for her to lift as Bon Bon relaxed comfortably on Lyra's aching back. "I can see why you like sitting like this, frees up my hooves."

"Forty-eight…forty-nine…fifty!" Lyra, successful in completing what felt like a Celestiean task, collapsed on the grass outside of the Carousel Boutique with a thud. "Thanks for the help, Bon Bon…now get off me," Lyra panted. "You know, I think I might be able to get tickets, but since you already have plans…" Lyra said with a coy smile as she ripped some sweat from under her red headband.

"You CAN!? Oh thank you thank you thank you tha- *GRRRRROOOOM*" Bon Bon abruptly stopped as her now slightly bulging belly reminded her that she hadn't given it that fourth muffin she'd teased it with earlier, "GAAAH! Why'd you let me eat all those sweets!? Now I have to work even harder to fit into my dress…that I don't even have!" The pale cream mare hopped up off her mint-green unicorn friend and started running about in a panic.

Lyra rolled her eyes, Bon Bon never was never good under pressure. "Shh! You shouldn't go around saying that you don't have an outfit, Rarity might just take back the gown she made for you."

"You mean-"

"Mhmm, I asked her for you after I learned about the extra ticket," Lyra said with a hint of smugness in her voice.

Bon Bon's pink and dark blue mane stood on end as the reality that she was actually going to the Grand Galloping Gala (and really was going to have to shed all those pounds) started to set in. "Wait, how'd you get the extra ticket? I thought that only the Elements and members of the Royal Court got spare tickets. Unless…you're not just hiding your wings are you, 'Princess'?"

"ME? A Princess?" Lyra waved her off with a hoof. "Seriously, Bon Bon. Remember the fiasco at the last Nightmare Night? Well, after I, uh, 'helped' the Princess out of a jam, she said that she owed me a debt of gratitude. So, bing bang boom, you have tickets."

"Wow, Lyra. And Rarity just agreed to make me a dress? That's amazing!"

"Weeeell…" Lyra averted her gaze, "not exactly; I have to groom Opalescence for the next two weeks. Twice a day." Lyra was suddenly wrapped up in a giant hug from the cream-coated mare and did her best to return the favor. "So tubby, ya ready to get back inta shape?"

+++++

"This is bad. This is very, VERY bad!" Twilight said as she paced nervously about the ground floor of her library. Spike sighed, he knew nothing short of one of the Princesses physically shaking her and telling her not to worry would snap her out of her panic-induced state.

"It could be worse, Twilight," said Pinkie who had stayed with the troubled mare for most of the day. "They could have ruined the library AND taken The Bombi-whatsit. Don't worry, your Auntie Pinkie Pie will take care of it!"

"'The Bombinomicon' and yes, I realize it could have been worse but that doesn't mean we're in the clear just yet! The Bombinomicon was entrusted to me by the Princesses to look after, and I just let some impostor waltz in and take it! It could be across the sea by now and I would have no idea where to look for it…"

Twilight wiped a tear from her eye, prompting Pinkie to give her a pat on the back. Spike was about to join in when he glanced casually over at the clock and instead of giving his caretaker a hug, he gently tapped her on her horn.

"Uh, Twilight? I know it's a bad time but, you're about to be late for-"

"My meeting with Rarity! In all that's happened today I almost forgot, I need to run Pinkie!"

Pinkie bounced along merrily beside her, "So do I! Rarity told me to meet her too! Weird…I wonder if it has anything to do with our dress fittings," said the pink party pony as she somehow managed put a hoof to her chin in thought while maintaining a steady bounce.

+++++

"Hold still, Rainbow! If you don't let me put these final touches on your gown, then I'll have Applejack tie you up so I can work without you fidgeting," Rarity grumbled as she placed more stitches along the seem of Rainbow Dash's lavish Gala dress.

Applejack stifled a laugh as she stood in front of a full-body mirror in her own dress. "Heh, and don't think Ah won't! Thanks again for helpin' me with the braids there, Fluttershy."

"Oh, of course," the timid yellow pegasus said as she took another lock of Applejack's blonde mane and made the braid longer before ending it with with a ruby-encrusted crimson hair tie. "There you go…I hope it's alright."

Applejack tilted her head around to get a better look, "Looks good ta' me! Say, just where in the hay are Twi and Pinkie? Ain't like them ta' be late for somethin' like this. Wonder if somethin' happened?" the orange earth pony muttered aloud. Her fears were put to a rather abrupt end as the mares in question came bursting through the front door of Rarity's Carousel Boutique, tumbling head-over-hooves into a large pile of unused fabric.

"Um, come in?"

Twilight rolled lazily to the side of the clump and shook her spinning head as Pinkie popped out of the top with bits of lace stuck to her cotton candy mane.

"Uh…sorry, Rarity. I lost track of time and rushed over here," Twilight said, her cheeks starting to burn with slight embarrassment.

"Really? I would have thought that somepony as smart as you would've just teleported," grunted Rainbow Dash as she was forced into another uncomfortable stance for Rarity (now threatening her with pins and needles to stay still) to continue her precious work.

Twilight raised a hoof to say something, but by then she had already digested what Rainbow had blatantly pointed out and opted to simply collapse back into the fabric, exhausted both mentally and physically.

"You okay, Twilight?" Fluttershy timidly asked as she hovered over her downed friend. "You don't look so good. What were you doing all day?"

"Weeeeeell," started Pinkie, "Spike was making breakfast after Twilight, that wasn't really Twilight, took this book call the Bombomnom.com then the REAL Twilight woke up late, poofed downstairs and surprised Spike and I told him that it wouldn't be a surprise if he knew it was coming; duh! So then we went ALL over Ponyville for the not-Twilight and then our Twilight here got a crush on some stallion called Copper-"

"PINKIE!" barked Twilight, "I did NOT have a crush on him! More importunity, you had no idea who he was."

Everypony save Pinkie and Twilight gasped, a pony Pinkie didn't know? That was unheard of, outlandish even. Once more, as Twilight explained, he seemed to know everything about her and later disappeared without a trace. The Mane Six just sat there for a moment, each one with ideas of might have happened furiously racing about in their minds.

Rarity was the first one to break the silence. "You don't think, stay with me on this, he might be a…Changeling, do you?"

"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked as she dove behind Rainbow Dash who was now attempting to remove her unfinished dress behind Rarity's back, but timidly put it back on as Rarity tracked Fluttershy's rather impressive dive.

"A Changeling? I thought they were banished when Candance and Shining Armor did that magical love explosion thing," said Rainbow as she tried to avoid eye contact with the angry fashionista. "Why would they be here in Ponyville?"

"They might be after Twilight seein' as how she was the one that freed the real Princess and stopped whatever plans they had fer us."

"Oh no, what if they are after me? What if they go after you guys, or my parents, or…or…" Twilight's chaotic train of thought finally came to halt as a white foreleg wrapped around her. She looked up at the mare it belonged to and sighed. "You're right, I'm just being paranoid…I just wish I had taken better care of that book."

"And we shall do our very best to see that it is brought home, but for right now, I need you and Pinkie to get into your outfits so I can make the final adjustments before we leave for Canterlot in the morning," Rarity said with a reassuring smile towards Twilight and a stony glare at Rainbow.

Twilight nodded and trotted over to the dresser where Rarity had stored her precious creations. As she unhooked the stunning original work from it's hanger, she paused, and looked over at a corner where a sewing machine sat. Had she just seen a shimmer? 'No, it must just be the heat,' she reasoned and headed off back to the group.

+++++

"WELL, NOT QUITE HOW I WOULD HAVE GONE ABOUT DOING THAT, BUT WHATEVER GRILLS YOUR CHICKEN AND FLIPS YOUR BISCUIT I SUPPOSE," The Bombinomicon said as it inspected the utter devastation that surrounded it with a sense of dark pleasure.

Only moments before, that bossy whatever had been ordering it around like a common cookbook! Now, her precious lair lays in shambles, fiery chunks of rock and cocoon membrane still rained down from the ruined ceiling, each sound echoing throughout the empty catacombs that hadn't been sealed by the chain of explosions.

The Bombinomicon's beady, crimson eyes swiveled around and continued to drink in all of the delicious carnage its little plan had created. Although, without a host, mobility would be something of a daunting task, but, after being forced to sit on a pedestal in that cooky old magician's library for all those years, sitting in a cave wouldn't be so bad. At least here it could relive the look of sheer terror on Queen Chrysalis' face.

Ah, yes; that beautiful, unique, wide-eye look…of pure, unfiltered rage.

"I…WHAT!? H-HOW ARE YOU STILL IN ONE PIECE, THAT BLAST COULD'VE BROUGHT DOWN A TANK!" The Bombinomicon blurted as a sickly green aura wrapped it up and thrust it into the air. From within the dust, a figure emerged, barring her fangs and attempting to burn a hole through the tome with her piercing glare.

"You…YOU did this to my beautiful Hive!"

Had The Bombinomicon been wearing pants and/or was in possession of the proper organs, then they would have taken a much more…earthy tone. Among the clatter of the few remaining falling rocks and the grinding of Chrysalis' teeth, the Anarchist Cookbook prototype heard an all too familiar voice somewhere in the dust cloud that hung over the stone floor.

"I dun…WHY? Why did it have to be youUUUURP? *sob* BWAAAAA-HAHA! WHY!?" The Bombinomicon searched fanatically in the billowing dust, looking for some sign of- THERE! Crying over the broken bottle!

Calling upon what little magic it had after performing the summoning, The Bombinomicon created a blue glow beneath itself and Chrysalis before taking the guise of Heavy's voice; "COME! PUSH ME OFF IT!"

There was a slight pause, followed by a shuffling and the sound of spiky orbs being forcefully loaded into a metallic tube, each ending with a click. "Ohhh…there's about to be another gravy-filled angel in heaven!" The sound of bombs being launched and attaching to the walls replaced the thick silence as blinking lights pulsed throughout the dust with an abundant red glow.

The Bombinomicon braced itself for the massive explosion…that never came. Instead, it suddenly felt its back cover hit the ground with a thud as Chrysalis redirected her magic away from the spell that kept it suspended. It glanced up at her crooked horn and the flowing aura pouring from it that formed a beam which lead right to-

"HIS OTHER EYE!? OH, DAMMIT! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TRIED FOR BOTH, BUT NNNNOOOO, I HAD TO GIVE THE KID A BREAK, I HAD TO- MMMFPH!" the annoyed text muffled as a size thirteen boot covered the vast majority of its face.

The boot wasn't just a boot, what was interesting about this boot, was that there was a whole person attached to it! From the ridged sole that was firmly planted on the normally chatter tome, a crimson full-body jumpsuit that lead up to a dark grey flap of kevlar that protected the most vulnerable area on the humanoid's body (and covered a small piece of paper with a smiley face drawn on it). A mid-sized pack adorned the waist with two smaller packs on the hips. The flap was attached to a blast vest of similar material and color, that's collar rose higher around the neck to prevent any stray shrapnel from shredding the wearer's alcohol-soaked throat. The torso had two extra straps that held three bright-yellow grenades on either side, with a full-body red suit that lay just underneath. The crimson sleeves (that sported a yellow decal of a Sticky Bomb) were rolled up just below the elbow and showcased the white undershirt that contrasted the human's dark brown skin.

The creature's features were just as battered and grizzled as the rest of his body. A square jaw lined with prominent five o'clock shadow (despite its dark backdrop) that formed the making of what could be an impressive mustache/beard combo if allowed to grow. A black wool cap covered whatever hair the being might have had, with a dark eyepatch that shrouded his presumably missing left eye in a mysterious state of existence. The right eye, while normally a light brown, now pulsated with a green aura akin to Chrysalis' magic.

"Hmhmhm, I really SHOULD just have the beast crush you for all the trouble you've caused me, insolent little whelp. Its nothing like how you described the monster MONOCULUS spawned from, assuming that its not a lie too," Chrysalis spat. She looked over the creature that stood before her. Not much to look at, she was taller than it was by a few hands and it didn't seem to posses any magical abilities, if how easily she brain-washed it was any indication.

She continued to ignore the muffled protests from The Bombinomicon and instead focused on the primitive weapon her new warrior was wielding: A long, cylindrical, tube with a fat metal drum secured to the bottom with two wooden handles. What purpose did it serve? The way it was held was very inefficient for a bludgeon or whatever form melee combat it was supposed to be used for.

"Creature, this weapon confuses me, explain to me its purpose," Chrysalis commanded. The human nodded and turned towards the adjacent wall, raising the strange contraption to eye level. After adjusting the sights, one of its digits squeezed the small metal piece near the wooden base which caused a familiar glowing red ball to launch across the room and stick to the rock face with a 'thunk'. The beast's digits found their way over to the side of the tube and clicked something. Suddenly, the bomb that been attached to the wall, along with the undetonated ones scattered about the floor, erupted in a defining explosion of fire and soot.

"Such power! And from such a tiny device! Perhaps…perhaps you can be of some use to me. Do you posses any other wonderful weaponry?"

The explosives expert grunted and removed its boot from atop The Bombinomicon, which sputtered and cursed as the biped lumbered over to where the summoning spell had first deposited it and knelt down next to a rather lumpy rock. However, as Chrysalis noticed upon looking more closely, it wasn't a rock but instead a large, brown bag.

"DRUNKEN, CLUMSY, CYCLOPS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MIND-NUMBINGLY DIFFICULT IT IS TO GET MUCK AND MIRE OUT OF TWO THOUSAND YEAR-OLD LEATHER!? IT'S REALLY DAMN HARD! IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN JUST GET SOME SPIT GOING AND WIPE MYSELF OFF WITH A CLEANING RAG! I HAVE GET A SPECIAL CLEANER, GET THE RIGHT TOOLS, AND- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT ME DOWN YOU HAG!"

"YOU do not speak to me in such a manner!" the infuriated Queen hissed, "I should melt you down right now if it weren't for the fact that now I know you can actually summon mythical creatures." She looked back over just in time to witness her unintended warrior withdraw an impossibly long broadsword from the mid-sized pack. 'How did he do that? Does the beast posses magical powers? I need to remain cautious, the book might still be trying to betray me…' Chrysalis thought as she eyed the sword with a mixed sense of glee and terror. If The Bombinomicon truly did have some latent power resting within it that could allow it to regain control over the cyclops, then she would be hard pressed to counter it judging by how quickly her troops fled.

Speaking of which; "ANY CHANGELING THAT DOESN'T WANT TO WIND UP LIKE A PARASPRITE BENEATH MY HOOF HAD BETTER FALL IN RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

The Hive once again filled with sounds of buzzing and rapid apologies being hastily blurted out as the Changelings flew back in droves, quickly resuming their positions along the blasted-out walls.

"My Queen!" a voice from the moving wall cried out. "Get back! I shall defeat this intruder! Bravo Company; ATTACK!" With the order from their C.O. given, dozens of Changeling Soldiers detached from the walls and rushed towards the alarmed human. It rolled away from where it was standing and scooped up its mysterious broadsword before turning to face the oncoming Bravo Company.

With a fluid motion, the TNT enthusiast swung the piercing blade in a wide arc over the wool cap that covered its head, effectively scattering the Changeling's assault and forcing them to crash into the floor, the walls, even each other to order to avoid being sliced.

"Oh-ho, impressive," Chrysalis said still holding The Bombinomicon within her aura, who said nothing.

"Tch, the monster's too powerful for a head-on attack. Bravo! Form up on me!" Captain Mockery ordered upon seeing the look of sick joy on his Queen's face. The Changelings did as they were told, and flew up to a safe distance with their Captain, who suddenly disappeared. The others floated there for a moment before also slipping way into nothingness with nary a sound.

The bipedal terror looked around for a moment to confirm that they were indeed gone (although it probably didn't help that there were thousands of similar looking Drones and Soldiers lining the walls), after a moment, it dropped its sword and picked up another brown bottle from within its pack and began to down its contents with gusto.

"Gah, I can SMELL that foul brew from here, what is it drinking?" the repulsed Queen said as she tried to cover her sensitive snout with her foreleg, a pointless endeavor thanks to the holes that riddled her lower legs.

"OH FOR- WILL YOU STOP CALLING HIM 'IT'? THAT'S A HUMAN, A HUMAN MALE IN DESPERATE NEED OF A SHOWER. AND HE HAS A NAME, IT'S DEMOMAN," The Bombinomicon stated, trying its best to dodge having to look foolish for not knowing the exact brand of transmission fluid substitute he preferred drinking.

"'Demoman'?" Chrysalis echoed.

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE THAT DOWN SOMEWHERE…OH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE FINGERS, ISN'T THAT JUST A LITTLE SAD?"

Chrysalis' angry glare was redirected as a large belch demanded her, and everypony else's attention. Demoman stood (as best he could) in the center of the Hive, switching violently between sobs and giggle fits while swinging his treasured brown bottle around in wide arcs. Although he wasn't making contact from what anypony in attendance could tell, an occasional 'clang' or loud smack would emit from the ether as the tipsy Scot stumbled about. This strange dance continued for about a minute before the grizzled man began shouting and then suddenly fell asleep right where he stood.

All but The Bombinomicon had an open jaw; what was THAT? A faint groaning slowly became audible as the buzzing ceased, there, scattered about on the floor, laid Bravo Company. All but a few members of the unlucky squadron had been knocked out cold by the seemingly aimless flailing of Demoman in his drunken state. Even with their ability to rapidly change to mimic their surroundings that rendered them almost invisible, the newcomer had still managed to best them, and what was worse, no he was taking a victory nap.

Chrysalis sat back on her haunches and clapped her front hooves together with a smile on her dark face. "Bravo! Bravo! Well done!"

"T-Thank you, your Majesty…"

"Not YOU, Mockery, I was referring to my newest champion; DEMOMAN!" The Hive, after a moment of hesitation, slowly built up cheers and applause until the whole network of tunnels rang out with the joyous noise.

"Zzzz~* Huh? I- uh…wha?" Demoman gurgled before finally falling over asleep again.

"GREAT CHAMPION YOU GOT GOING THERE. IF THE ENEMY IS ANYWHERE NEAR A BEER HALL THEY'D BETTER HEAD FOR THE HILLS WHILE THEY'VE STILL GOT A CHANCE," The Bombinomicon said with a snort.

"Quiet you; we shall have a glorious victory, as Demoman will be leading the charge from this point forth! Bravo Company! For your failure, you shall be assigned to be his personal squad, you take orders from him now..."

Private Mockery was about to protest when he caught a glimpse of the look in his Queen's eyes. "Thy will be done, my Queen."

"…and as for you, book," The Bombinomicon found itself wrapped up in a telekinetic grip for the umpteenth time that day and placed on Demoman's flak jacket. "Since you have tried so very hard to be rid of me, I'll grant your wish; by sending you along with Demoman on his most dangerous missions, if we ever do have to make eye contact, it'll be just long enough for me to throw you back out! Hahaha!"

"I'LL MAKE SURE YOU PAY FOR THIS, QUEENY…"

"Now my Soldiers, to Canterlot!"