Recreation of Chapters is done especially Part 3
A Mare with a dark past has found true love with a stallion who had a crush on her But Apparently she is a Vampire will she be able to live a peaceful life or will she be haunted by her past forever without love? Let's find out. Also if reading vampire fic is not your stuff OR OC romance is not your stuff either don't read them you would only make my story look bad (New to Story Writing So uh.. give me some tips if you can be so kind?) (Old stuff but still! Give me some tips to help me improve, Thank you)
This story has been cancelled and all of the former plot I have for this story will be revamped. Why? Too cheesy I guess, haha! Oh boy. Good thing I lost interest years ago and didn't actually write them out
Enjoyable. Please continue
Needs more punctuation. Needs grammar work. Sentence structure is choppy, and sometimes words are missing. It's got random capital letters thrown in. The present tense is confusing.
Now, if I imagine this story is the way it is because it's being told to me by someone with a thick Russian accent, it gets way better.
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Thanks for the feedback
[EDITED]
"it's being told to me by someone with a thick Russian accent, it gets way better." what you meant by that?
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OF course I will be more than happy to continue making this
Why people dislike my story but are not leaving any tips to help me make a better story? its a little unfair
YAY
finally my likes are back up to tie with those dislikes really that was driving me a bit crazy to see the dislike is more than my likes
[EDITED]
If you found out any word misspelled please point them out cause i was in a rush
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I haven't read this yet and it's not really my thing, but I'm having a check through and I'll give you a couple of things I've noticed so far.
I know how much it sucks to get off to a bad start due to spelling and grammar (I had a foal talking at the start of mine, so the spelling and grammar had to be off).
You should have every whole number under and including ten written in full (although fractions should be written out such as four and a half, six and a quarter, two and a third). Decimals and numbers higher than ten should be in digits (11, 4.3, etc).
You should also reword it into a consistant tense and show the scenery instead of telling it. I'll give you an example below in italics.
Inside a room decorated like the night sky with a matching bed, a white unicorn with a beautiful blue mane and even more beautiful, sky blue eyes sat as she read to a little colt by the light of his bedside lamp. As she read, her cutie mark constantly shifted it's shape.
"And that's how Celestia saved us from Nightmare Moon. The End," said the mare as she stood up, magically closing the book cover before opening a draw to put it away
"Big sis," the colt asked with a yawn, "Do you think our friendship will last forever?"
Also, you should remove the o'clock after 7:24.
As long as you fix the tense and show the setting instead of telling it, you should do well.
You really don't want to rush these things. I took a month to write my first two chapters before getting into a good rhythm.
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Thanks for the feedback i guess i did get a bad start then hahaha guess i had a lot of learn about rhythm then and as well as editing the rest of my chapters
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Probably because totallynotabrony already said it all. The story is choppy, the sentences don't flow well, and sometimes you jump from past tense to present tense and that's confusing at best. The transformation scene? You switched at least three times in one paragraph.
When he says read by a guy in a Russian accent, he means that if someone were to read this out loud, it would sound weird; but if someone were to read it in a Russian accent, it would sound normal because of how they speak. He just means that it doesn't sound like a native English speaker wrote it.
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To be honest English is not actually my main language its my second language, my main language is chinese I know right A chinese man writing a english vampiric love story that is the weirdest thing you englishmen have ever seen right? But I'm more of an english type than a chinese type because I can't understand chinese words
God damn psyco bastards