Maud and Chrysalis Do Stand-Up

by SoloBrony

The Heckler

The curtain rose. Maud stood behind a simple microphone on a blank stage, alone. She gently cleared her throat, while murmurs went through the audience.

'Where's Chrysalis?'

'Wait, there's no props. What's going on?'

Maud gently tapped the microphone, causing slight feedback. "Testing. Good. What do you call it when Discord gets turned to stone while crying?"

The room went quiet and waited expectantly.

"Discord getting sedimental."

Groans and facehoofs went through the crowd. One particular changeling ex-queen threw back her hood and scoffed, waving a hoof irritably at Maud.

"We get it. You like rocks, because they're grey and dull, just like you."

Shocked and offended gasps went through the crowd, but Maud just fixed Chrysalis with the same half-lidded stare she had kept all along.

"I do like rocks, but even I wouldn't be foolish enough to base my entire kingdom's security system on a single fragile rock remaining unbroken."

Chrysalis just rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah? What do you call the Crystal Heart?"

"Many things. 'An accident waiting to happen' and 'somepony else's problem', mostly."

A few crystal ponies in the audience cringed while the rest of the audience snickered. Chrysalis rolled her eyes.

"I mean, my hive may have relied on a rock, but at least it wasn't one that got shattered by an infant, or relied on an entire kingdom of ponies to remain calm and upbeat during an emergency. Ponies! Really! I mean, am I the only one who heard about how Ponyville reacted when a zebra came to town? Who came up with a pony-chill-based security system?"

The native Ponyvilleans ducked their heads amidst laughter now. From the back came the comment, 'Once I was scorned by the whole town, it seems you shall never live it down.'

Maud shook her head gently. "If you can't be quiet during my performance, I'll have to ask security to see you out."

Chrysalis smiled malevolently. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. When I rule Equestria, I'll make you regret it."

Confused and concerned looks and murmurs were traded between some of the audience, wondering if Chrysalis was being serious, and whether this was part of the act.

Maud rolled her eyes – slowly and dispassionately. "You couldn't rule Equestria, even if the princesses handed the throne to you right now."

Chrysalis snorted. "Running Equestria's not that hard. I know how your kingdom works."

Maud raised an eyebrow slightly. "Oh?"

"Sure. All I need to do is get a faithful student and let them handle all of the hard work!"

That got some uncomfortable laughter from the audience, except for one rainbow-maned mare, who fell out of her chair pealing with mirth. Maud shook her head.

"It's not that simple. Besides, what if your student gets in trouble?"

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Oh, that's easy. You just encourage the student to get students of their own, and then their students bail them out."

Starlight, who was sitting next to Chrysalis, snorted and tried to suppress nervous laughter while a purple alicorn shot an amused glare at both of them.

Maud stared at Chrysalis for a few seconds. "Fine. Anyway." She looked back at the audience. "What do you call an alicorn without wings or a horn?"

Chrysalis stuck a hoof up like a filly in a classroom. "Oh, I know this one! 'Defenseless food source!' "

"No."

Chrysalis quirked an eyebrow. " 'The best kind of alicorn?' "

"No."

Chrysalis huffed in frustration and rubbed her chin. "... Princess Big Mac?"

Uncomfortable snickers turned to genuine mirth at that, as the natives recalled Big Mac's transformation during the Tantabus incident. Mac, for his part, sheepishly waved at a few staring ponies.

Maud groaned slightly. "No. Chrysalis, I thought you were reformed."

Chrysalis gave a noncommittal shrug. "I'm a changeling. We reform all the time. Watch."

Chrysalis suddenly turned into Princess Cadance in a flash of green fire, and stood up on her hind hooves with a goofy expression. "I'm the princess of food!"

Chrysalis changed back and sat down amidst some laughter, especially among the changelings present. One in particular gave an obnoxious whoop, followed by "YEAH!". Cadance, for her part, invented the facewing that day, smacking herself and burying her head in the appendage.

"I meant reformed as in no longer villainous, Chrysalis."

Chrysalis bounced her hoof off of her forehead. "Oh, right! I almost forgot that whole thing where the ponies of Equestria are so forgiving that they'll accept you regardless of your past – y'know, as long as you abandon everything about yourself they find distasteful, intimidating, or inconvenient. One sec."

A green flame flashed around Chrysalis, and now she was pink and white, with over-the-top frills and clown makeup. Maud rolled her eyes.

"You look ridiculous."

"Not any moreso than all of us look reformed, so I don't even care anymore!"

A bit of laughter went up as Chrysalis turned back to normal. Maud quirked an eyebrow.

"This seems like it's starting to get uncomfortably personal for you, Chrysalis."

"You're the one who wrote the script this time, so what's that say about you?"

Maud slipped a small notepad out of her frock and looked it over.

"Says here we continue to argue for a while but you don't change your behavior because you're an incorrigible heel."

Chrysalis triumphantly stood on her hind hooves and puffed out her chest. "True to life, baby!"

The curtain fell amidst more laughter, and Chrysalis walked up onto the stage with a snicker. When the curtain rose, Chrysalis and Maud gave a neat bow together. Chrysalis gave Maud a playful jab in the ribs.

"Made me a total jerk this time, y'know."

"Write what you know."

"Hey!"

Author's Note:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE

Oh Chrysalis

You really do look ridiculous

Comments

[Eroraf86]

Beautiful. This never gets old.

[PixelMoon]

Lol

[Nyronus]

The native Ponyvilleans ducked their heads amidst laughter now. From the back came the comment, 'Once I was scorned by the whole town, it seems you shall never live it down.'

Hah!

"Write what you know."

Burned.

Maud and Chrysalis are the best roasters.

New headcanon is they start the Equestria equivalent of "The Roast of X." Every year they do a big show in Canterlot just dragging someone famous.

The Roast of Zesty Gormand:

"It's no wonder the people of Canterlot rebelled against your taste if food. Looking at you I'd be shocked if you've ever eaten anything in your life!"

The Roast of Flim and Flam:

"It's good you guys are capable of selling literally nothing these days. It's a mark of a great businessman to be successful with what you got."

[Silver_Fang15]

clap clap clap

This is pure comedy gold! I don't know how you come up with this stuff, but DAMN IS IS AWESOME!!!

[Felipefer]

It is so funny seriously i love it

[Razzy]

XD

Though the method to rule Equestria described here is actually quite accurate.

[Macdaverin]

This...
This is gold.

[FanficReader920]

I love this fic.

[Snowdrifter]

Next they'll have a rotating comedy show.
They'll perform live.
On Saturdays.
At night.
Think it would catch on, or just crumble competing with talc shows?

[LostArchivist]

"Oh, right! I almost forgot that whole thing where the ponies of Equestria are so forgiving that they'll accept you regardless of your past – y'know, as long as you abandon everything about yourself they find distasteful, intimidating, or inconvenient. One sec."

Oh, snap!

I really liked the Faithful Student Pyramid Scheme too.

[TwilightTime2242]

9568380
Thanks!