A new Lightning storm

by MarblePieLover

Chapter 1 Unlucky day before graduation

Hi, my name is Carl Dustway. Well, I was, but I go by another name - Lightning Dust. Now you’re probably wondering how I got to being a pony and a mare. Well, it’s an odd story.
I woke up at 6:00 am (the normal time I wake up) and brush my teeth. You see, I was graduating tomorrow and I wanted to get ready. So I was brushing my teeth and suddenly a spine chilling (and I'm talking like to make your heart skip a beat) female voice suddenly say "It’s time." I looked around to see who was talking when

wham! Something hit me right in the face. I blacked out. I was starting to come to and I heard two female voices "Dash you ok?!" said a smart-sounding familar voice.

"Yeah Twilight I'm fine...say what hit me?" said a raspy voice "is that....Lightning Dust?! Is she ok?" I knew these names from the my little pony series! But how?!

"Look she’s waking up!" said Twilight I opened my eyes and saw the purple alicorn and cyan Pegasus staring at me and said the first thing that came to my mind "What in the world?!" The two mares jumped a little at me yelling. My voice sounded like....Lightning Dust....they were talking about me....I was Lightning dust....so i looked at my hands.

Yup, they weren't there! Just two furry light blue hooves. I could also see some golden hair coming from my head. "No no no no! This is just a dream. A crazy dream. Yup a dream." I said out loud. So to test that theory I did the only logical thing I could...I grabbed some dirt and ate it. I could hear a voice in my head say "Ugh ow what hit me!" I was hearing a voice in my head. It wasn't a dream. I'm a mare.....

"Why am I a mare!?!" I shouted to the heavens. Then I passed out right there. I couldn't understand so I had to just knock myself out. That wasn't a good idea now that I think about it....oh well.

Author's Note:

welp thats my first chapter I hope you will all like the rest of the story

Comments

[Zepher]

Why do people think that doing something stupid is the way to wake up? Just try to read something, you can't read in a dream that part of your brain is asleep while you dream.

[ferret]

You might want to try writing in third person. The first person narrator has all sorts of cliché things to say like "Well, it's an odd story." We know it's an odd story, but he has to say that, because he's all authentic and keeping it real. It'd be less condescending if it went like "Carl Dustway woke at 6:00am to brush his teeth. It was the normal time he woke up, so he didn't have to worry about missing his graduation that day. Unfortunately, he didn't have to worry about missing his graduation today, because graduation was the least of his worries. A spine chilling female voice spoke out of nowhere causing him to drop his toothbrush" etc.

Your uh... chapter is less than 400 words long. It's kind of sparse. You could write about who Carl is, what he likes to do, what his ambitions are, how well he's doing in school, what he's graduating from, if he has any friends who are graduating with him, if he has any friends he's going to lose because they aren't graduating. You're looking to give the reader an idea of how Carl was feeling when he got zonked into Equestria, and why they should care about him turning into Lightning Dust. You could describe what Twilight Sparkle looks like, if she's stressed out, tired, neatly primped, worried, nervous, guilty. You could describe what her tail's doing as she speaks, if Rainbow Dash is nursing any injuries, the way Dash's mane just sorta scruffs out over her head. What room are they in? Are they up in the clouds? Are they in a hospital? Next to a tree with a Lightning Dust's face shaped indentation in it? Is she lying on grass? Is there a trench of scraped up earth leading to where she crashed? Are there any other ponies nearby? Really imagine the scene, and try to describe it so that we can imagine what you're seeing.

Or, just, leave it at 400 words. That works too.

[CasualReader]

9166744
Sauce? I can totally read and even do math (like, simple addition) in my dreams.
Though anything written is mostly garbage sentences that change while you aren't looking.