Chaper 1: Surprise Horse Time
For good ol' Jack, it had been a normal Friday night. Nothing out of the ordinary; he had followed his standard routine after returning home from work. He disposed of his briefcase and hung up his work jacket. Casually slithering to his kitchen, he opened the freezer - the frost hitting his face like a million cold daggers - and picked out his favorite comfort food as he mumbled to himself “Pizza, again, eh Jack?.” He chucked the pizza into his relatively clean microwave.
His apartment was a mess of organized chaos; a few clothes thrown out of place would be almost too clean for this couch potato. Before he knew it, his pizza was done. He carried it on a plate, before popping down on his couch, right in the middle, where a familiar butt groove formed. He fiddled around inside the leftmost couch cushion before pulling out his trusty companion - and only friend -, his TV remote.
Television was an escape for Jack, something to take him away from his terrible job, cramped apartment and loneliness. Besides the usual TV programs, he was particularly fascinated with a certain show.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Ever since he discovered it, during his channel surfing, he has been watching its weekly Friday Releases on Television, never skipping a beat. He often found himself slumping into a depression whenever the show was between seasons although this was something he had not to worry about because it was only about the 5th episode of Season 7. The Familiar My Little Pony Theme song played. As he hummed along, he took a bite of his pizza. He suddenly felt groggy... More so than usual anyway. His eyes and body felt heavy as his eyes were quickly losing focus on the Television. He tried to stop himself from seemingly falling asleep - at least that’s what he thought was happening - but he could do nothing but accept it. As his eyes closed, he heard a faint voice calling out to him. It felt soothing but ominous at the same time "Take my hand" the voice muttered as he found himself in a cosmic space like area.
Her voice disappeared suddenly as his fade into a deep sleep was complete. He awoke many hours later in a strange bed that seemed not at all even resembling his cluttered and dirty apartment. He brushed this off as a drunken escapade and tried to wrap his head around how much money he had spent last night. All of this resulted in a mild headache that prompted him to lie down once more. It wouldn’t be till hours later, he jolted up in shock, slammed his head on a pole and instinctively rubbed that part of his head he has hit, felt a soft lump coming out of his forehead and assumed it came out of the recent collision. He put his hooves down, not realizing what he had become just yet. That’s when a nurse pony came in, just to check up on the patient one last time before heading off that night. Of course, Jack, still being in a sitting up position, prompted the nurse pony to come over, as soon as possible, to see if any aid was necessary. As the white pony with a light pink mane stepped into the moonlight she spoke with a quiet and soothing tone.
“Thank goodness Princess Twilight, you’re awake! Everything seems fine. You shall be escorted to your castle as soon as Celestia raises the sun.” Jack, who was now Twilight Sparkle, responded in a confused manner. All he could remember is that he was a male and his name was Jack.
“Princess Twilight? You’ve got the wrong guy my name’s Jack.” The Nurse Pony Shrugged and hoped that this was due to temporary amnesia although she said in a playful tone
“Alright “Jack” you shall be out of here by morning.” and, with that, morning came. Jack rose, a little groggy, he was still confused on the whole Princess Twilight deal but he figured he was having a weird dream and that he had nothing to worry about.
He tried to walk on two legs. He stumbled backward, falling through a hospital window. He screamed in a higher pitched tone than he was used to, but that was mostly quited by the massive amount of air rushing through his face. He panicked and started flailing his hooves out of pure luck - or maybe instinct - and his horn began to create a darkish pink aura that teleported him safely to Ponyville. He appeared in front of the Castle of Friendship. Jack froze. He didn’t understand what just happened but he knew it wasn’t normal for a human anyway. He shrieked again his face now writhe with worry that voice was not his own, he slowly spoke words in a cautious manner as if he was scared of what would come out "I... like... books."
He clamped his mouth shut not daring to speak another word as he started to dance about on his hooves "I'm Twilight?" he thought shaking his head within reasonable disbelief "There is no way that could happen, she doesn't exist!" he started to panic frantically turning his head left and right as if he was looking for something in haste.
Before he would go on too long panicking a golden door with heart shapes on it would fling open snapping him out of his craze a familiar voice could be heard, a small purple dragon with a set of green head scales would yell out "Twilight! Twilight!"
Jack would be in a moment of confusion looking around himself. Hesitantly he assumes the role and speaks up "Yes Spike?."
Spike would look down with slight worry and a chuckle "Heh heh forgot you were at the hospital, are you okay?"
Mustering all the strength I had not to chuck Spike off a distant cliff I replied with a slightly exasperated tone "Of course I'm fine Spike why wouldn't I be?"
Spike pondered this for a moment but gave up any further attempts to asses her current condition only giving her a glance before replying with a sarcastic tone "Rigggght, well anyways I finished my morning chores can I have some extra gems now?!"
I didn't really care at the moment what he was saying an idea just hit me so I walked right past him... well stumble was the more correct term. "Yeah Yeah, I'll just be reading," he said as he noticed a look from Spike before he darted off in another direction, A bright smile crossing his face for a moment seeing that he was gone for the moment. I looked around the rather vast castle his smile fading "Now where is that library?."
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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this should be interesting to see play out
I just hope this doesn't end up like the others you know abandoned
9279763
I have plans to keep this story going for a bit of time... but my updates might be a little spacious, i have an extreme case of procrastination.
9279588
I'm trying not to make it generic, but even I don't know where most of the story is going
Don't steamroll so much! You don't have to push ahead in the plot super fast. Take some time to get yourself comfortable, ease the reader into the situation. Do you really think it's a good idea to have a nurse there ready to say "Yup you're fine. Time to get ready to go," before the protagonist has gotten in a single word edgewise? I mean maybe Equestrian medical care is just that bad, but...
I left a constructive comment on this chapter, and you found it very insightful. Everyone was really impressed.
Don't just explain what's going on. Describe how the nurse pony acted when she hoped it was due to temporary amnesia, and leave it unexplained. If you still feel like people are going to be lost if you don't explain, then describe more.
Also you missed an opportunity there.
9282481
Thanks for the tips! Although the next chapter should have more conversational aspects, I tried to cut down on explanations to make it easier to digest,Then Again I wasn't really thinking too hard about comedy I'll try to include a bit more
9282517
Don't worry about comedy. Just focus on describing in vivid detail what you're gonna explain, until you don't need to explain it anymore.
As interesting as the concept is, it has a little too much telling and not enough showing. The grammar and punctuation needs some work as well.
Like, for instance, these sentences:
Generally you don't use a full stop after a closing quote mark.
This is what's called a run-on sentence. You need extra punctuation here.
Also, I've noticed you've got some trouble with tenses, given that the sentence above is actually in future tense, whereas two paragraphs before:
is in past tense.
Oh, and you move from third person to first person in the last few paragraphs:
This is a cute story so far. Just a heads up, you switched from third person to first person near to the end of the chapter. Other than that, I'm eager to read more!
This is an amazing story! I really liked Chapter 1.
This first chapter beats the new first chapter. No huss, no fuss, only purple