- Member Since 11th Nov, 2015
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Kye Belmont
Custom Quote: "A heart yields power yet knows no path of dedication, for only with mind, will, and reasons will it give it meaning."
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Disliking a story because of troublesome grammar is a legitimate criticism. If your story contains a lot of errors, it sends a message to your readers basically stating that it wasn't worth your time to do the research necessary to avoid the errors in the first place. Is it then worth our time to read it?
Basically, telling potential readers how to criticize and what to avoid criticizing is a huge mistake, one that others will crucify you for. I'd change my approach and just accept the feedback as it comes.
8989659
Okay.
8989666
Might I suggest trying a different genre? Displaced is almost impossible to pull off for a number of reasons. I bet if you tried something else, you'd get a better reception. Also, consult the site's writing guide. It's a huge help.
8989673
What genre do you suggest if we did?
8989659
What he meant was the story getting dislikes but no explaination given afterward, there's also people who give dislikes to certain genres they hate regardless of how good or bad the story is.
8989693
Exactly what I wanted to say! Thanks DisplaceWriter!
Accepting feedback? Fantastic, let's dig in. This is your seventh story, so I won't be permitting any errors and point out each one. I hope you can learn from this.
Cover
Let's start with the cover of this book, as we can judge the story off of it.
Only three tags... and one is the MLP:FIM one. Something tells me you don't know how to do tags properly. You have to tag a story to tell us what genres it is, what content we can expect, etc. Is it a drama? Slice of Life? Adventure? I don't know, so why would I bother reading it?
Title is... meh? I think it's meant to be "Displaced Storm of..." but the title is... functional. Nothing more.
Oh. No. no, no, no. This is called the "Crossover" tag and you say it's displaced in the description. This, this is bad. Remove it.
Alright, let me stop you there. Don't start a description this way. Descriptions require a hook to want the reader to, y'know, read your story. Starting it with the most generic opener will turn readers away more than if you simply told them "F*** OFF!" in the first two words.
Joy, displaced. Not like we don't have another one of these every other day... on a slow one!
One of these is not like the other. You have a decent name, Gina Magister, along side... That mess. The former is far better than the latter. It actually sounds human. The second name... rethink it.
Still, why should I care about these two random people? I've not met them. I know nothing about them. Why should I care? Give me a hook!
No. Don't talk to the audience. It never works well, especially not here. Don't do this again.
Ah, so the literal stock HiE Displaced plot that everyone goes with. This description has told me nothing of the story. I have no reason to read. I have no idea what you're even trying to do here. I don't know if this is a bloody fetish fuel or if it's an epic adventure. I've been told nothing, and I have less care to read it than I did when I started... wait, there's more description?
Between you and me, I'm gonna be frank. Collabs are rare for good reason. You need to be in sync with your partner, discuss ideas with them, and know what the other feels is going on in a scene. You can't just "invite" collabs, as those will always die in the first nanosecond possible. There's a reason why collabs are so rare.
Remove this. It makes you look bad.
No, really? And here I thought you had written it to torture the readers!
What you're referring to is a "Discovery" writing style. No one cares. Everyone has a writing style. No need to tell us your's, especially not in the description.
As this is 3k words, I'm gonna split up my criticisms here and make the look over of the story in the next one. I hope to have it done within two hours but... it is 3k words. I might give up some way in if I feel like I made my point clear enough, though.
Hope you can use these tips, at least.
Alright, let's get right into the meet of it. Look for my previous comment for the cover criticisms.
Hallelujah! You are one of the few people I've seen that wrote a Displaced and actually describe the scene and set up the location as well as the characters. Thank you!
Unfortunately, you made the other mistake. You had an entire paragraph of character description, which isn't catching. I don't care who this is. Show me some action. As a writer once said, "Start a story with some action. Or a dead body."
I'm not sure why you're telling us this when you said she was a teenager. No need to draw attention to it, y'know?
Alright, so, let me make one thing clear. You did right by describing the scene and the characters. Next lesson, keep the details to the important. Describe the throne rather than the character or the guards lining the walls. Describe in simple terms. No one cares what they're wearing. You could just say "She was wearing fetish wear" and we'd get the same picture.
Ignoring the... er... grammatical issues here... 5 years old? What the actual F***?! No way in hell is this gonna end well.
Also, 5 should be five. Anything below eleven should be written.
SIGH
First off, demanded. Keep it in the past tense.
Second... I don't know how many times I'll have to explain this, so I am going to do it once now and never again.
When you have dialogue, and end it with a "she said" or some other variation, it's lowercase. If it's ended without an exclamation or question mark, the period isn't used, instead replaced with a comma. No matter which of the three you use, it's always lower case.
“I want to make friends!” Gina says, not at all intimidated.
For example:
Those are the proper uses, however, let me go more in depth so you know how to use them in full. You can break up the speaking with action or with a "said" to clarify who is speaking.
Those are three more examples. This is the only time I'll mention this, just know this story fails in the dialogue grammar.
Titles aren't capitalized unless followed by a name. Examples will follow.
Break this up into two sentences and the second is a question mark, despite it being rhetorical.
Also, you could have used this right here to describe their location in way that flowed very well. Something along the lines of "She looked around at the black throneroom, with stalactites hanging from the ceiling, noting that some of them contained bones."
Just... something to describe where we are more.
Ooooooow! This is cringey as all hell. No one speaks like this, and no one would dare say this.
Stop. Back up. What tense are you using? You're switching between past and present, which you... can't do. Frankly, sticking with the past is the safest option as most stories are written that way.
Don't switch tenses on a whim.
bwuh? Blubberedly? That isn't even a word, and, even if you were going for a "blubbered" but as a quality, it doesn't match up with the word stated. Stated is firm, stately, in control. Blubbered... isn't. It's the opposite.
slams head into desk.
I already hate her... and this is the one with a good name.
Wut?
Let me make this abundantly clear. People are not random creatures that burst into song. Even five year olds follow a logic, normally very basic ones. They will sing if something prompts them to, but they do not "burst into a musical number".
I.... bwuh? Cat girl? What the hell does that... Awe? In the world of...
Gah! Now my head hurts. You've established this is in Equestira, with Sombra, but a basic magical force spell captures a person of rank's awe? What is even happening here!?
Yes, because we all know how confident FIVE YEAR OLDS are to people they don't know.
Little psychology note: People are most shy/suspicious towards outsiders when they are young, and only get comfortable with everything when they hit about their late teens (19 for most people). This is when suspicions and alertness are at a low for the majority of people. A child should not be this brave.
uh... Well, uh... You didn't mention her having this power or doing anything with it, so I guess she has mind control? Kinda a bad power, considering the moral implications and, oh yeah, SHE'S A FIVE YEAR OLD!
No, I'm not gonna let that go.
Then why would you allow her to order them? Surely there's some magical code you can input that would force them to only follow admin commands.
Yup, definitely mind control. Terrifying.
Alright, I'm gonna stop it here since I can basically tell exactly where this is heading and, well, I'd like to save both of us time. My comments continue in much the same way, hitting the same points. I'll summarize.
Gina isn't five years old. She keeps switching ages and mentality on the drop of a dime.
You throw a load of anime words at people. Don't do that. It makes you seem childish.
Random anime fight equals friendship.
But, perhaps the biggest criticism I have is this. This is not a story. This is a lengthened and written RP session. Those are private for a reason. Keep them private. It gets awkward for the reader when random things happen, and, if you look back on it, you may feel shame for some of the stuff you wrote. That's normal and fine.
Keep RP out of stories. It can only lead to poorly written ones.
Time for grading.
Grammar: D. You at least formed a sentence.
Characterization: F. Too inconsistent.
Story: D-. It has some progression, hits some marks, but it's more of an RP session than a story and, honestly, this story type has been done to death. No interesting spin on it.
Cover: F. Fails as a cover.
Final Grade: F.
8990163
Well, I'm not the only one writing this. Me and Black Night Sun are writing this... I'll try to fix where you pointed out. Thank you for the help!
8990230
If you have any further questions, feel free to ask. I can also point you to multiple resources you can use to help improve your writing, should you desire.
8990278
Like what?
8989690
Something completely outside of your comfort zone. The problem with Displaced is that they generally stick to the same formula: dude goes to Convention A, meets The Merchant, buys gadget B, then winds up in World C. It's a case of "you've read one, you've read 'em all". To be fair, I'm sure there are a few well-written Displaced fics out there with likeable, believable protagonists and a compelling storyline, not just the "random dude gets powers and goes to Pony Land" pablum that routinely gets posted here. It's a genre lacking in originality which due to the requirements of the genre, is mostly unavoidable. You have to be a very skilled writer to pull it off.
I recommended trying other genres because I found measurable success by doing so. Granted, I started out with some writing experience but nevertheless, I found that by branching out, I got a lot better at writing in general. Hopefully you get there and reap the same rewards.
Romance? Comedy? Crackfic? Slice of life? The world's your oyster.
8990292
Unavoidable? Actually, it is avoidable and i've seen plenty who got Displaced without the aid of the merchant / comicon / etc.
8990298
While I will admit that I base my critiques on my own fairly limited experience, I think we can agree that the overwhelming majority are pretty cookie-cutter. However, since you've probably encountered a lot more that I have, I'll defer to your expertise. My main criticism, actually, was one more general in nature: a lack of proper preparation. It's usually a good idea to have a strong grasp of the mechanics of writing at the very least before posting something to a public place, if you're looking for a positive reception.
8990307
That is true. People do tend write now and plan less, its just they read a Displaced story, get inspired, they go to make their own and they believe that the merchant is required to be Displaced, but the truth is that any entity can do it, the main character can displaced through a cursed item or other more original methods, afterwards can be a whole new experience as long as the author or authors don't use famous cliche such as being turned to stone for a thousand years. Heck, it doesn't even have to be a human being changed.
Overall, its more of the writers than the Displaced Genre itself, you see the whole merchant / comicon is what started it all and everyone else decided copied it without adding a new incredient or ways to expand beyond that... Well, other than what happens after the start. Most others get discouraged after the first chapter or worse they only written for the sake of cross-overs.
8990278
thank you for the comments and at least you tell us what's wrongmost of those things that you pointed out was my doing and I'll be honest with you I'm not very good at writing myself that's why I co-authored with people😅
8990292
I actually have written a few that didn't rely on the merchant I don't think I've actually ever relied on the merchant