Discord Does a Thing

by SpyroForLife

Why

Today was a great day to hang out in Ponyville, Discord decided. The day was warm, the sky was blue, and the shops were probably bustling with sales and he could browse and see what interesting foods and products the pony folk have come up with lately. And he could do helpful things like stimulate the economy! But first, a walk in the park.

He was a few minutes into his strolling when he saw a gray stallion pawing at the grass near the base of a tree. He stopped to watch, puzzled by that behavior. Did the stallion lose an earring? Did he drop a treat and was trying to recover what he could? What was he doing? Oh, pony watching could be so fun!

Discord’s amusement and confusion grew when the other leaned his head down and picked up a stick, which Discord just realized he had been rolling with his hoof, rather than pawing the grass.

The pony carried it over to a table where a notebook sat, setting the stick down and picking up a pencil to write something down.

Discord’s curiosity could not be quelled and he was never one to keep his thoughts quiet. He silently went up behind the stallion, leaning in close until his head was right next to his, and asked, “Whatcha doing?”

To the other’s credit, he didn’t even flinch, whereas most ponies nearly got heart attacks from Discord doing that.

“Sitting at a picnic table taking notes,” the stallion replied.

“I see that.” Discord snaked around to sit across from him. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around, what’s your name?”

“Mud Briar,” the other replied in a dull tone, then went back to writing.

Discord waited to see if he would ask for his name, but when he didn’t, he said, “I’m Discord, bringer of chaos, creator of strife. You’ve probably heard of me.”

Mud didn’t even look at him, but he did set his pencil down and lean in to stare more intently at the stick. “Yes, probably. Do you need something?”

“No, I just like meeting new ponies, and I figured a pony who collects sticks must be doing something interesting with them!”

“I see. Well, if you really want to know, I’ve been collecting and studying the various sticks in this region to identify the species of tree native to Ponyville and the health of said trees.”

“So you… study sticks?” Discord asked.

“Yes.”

“Is there a fancy term for that or should I just think of you as that pony who gathers sticks?”

Mud gave him an unimpressed stare, but Discord easily matched it, until Mud answered, “You can call me an arborist but I don’t care much for labels.”

“Of course. So, how’s the uh… health of this stick?” Discord asked.

Mud gazed at it, then looked back at him. “This stick fell off of that Quercus virginiana, better known as the live oak to those not well-versed in arboriculture-”

“As opposed to the dead oak?” Discord joked.

Mud blankly said, “Well if it was a dead oak I would be taking many more samples to determine what happened as well as recommending to Mayor Mare that she have it removed before it becomes a falling hazard.”

Discord blinked, then said, “You must be fun at parties.”

“Actually, I don’t like parties. So, this Quercus virginiana is a common enough species seen across Equestria and I’m very familiar with its anatomy. This one is thriving, as you can see from the quality of its bark.”

Discord looked very closely at the stick as Mud pointed to it. Then he said, “Yes, it’s quite… vibrant.” He was getting unnerved by this pony. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but the other was just too neutral, and he didn’t trust it.

“Actually, it’s not vibrant at all,” Mud replied. “It’s a characteristically dull but warm brown, as most sticks are.”

Discord’s eye twitched, but he managed to keep it together. “Right. So, this is all you do? You study sticks?”

“Study, collect, ponder, admire. You could say it’s my passion.” This line was delivered with a perfectly straight face.

Discord knew pony talents could get niche but there was no way that was this guy’s schtick. He snaked his head around to look at Mud’s flank. Sure enough, it was a stick, standing upright in a puddle of mud. Oh, for goodness sake.

He retracted his neck back to its normal length and got up. “Well then! Sorry to interrupt your no doubt fascinating job! And if I happen to come across a nice aspen or something I’ll be sure to toss a few sticks your way.”

“Actually, aspens aren’t indigenous to this region and intentionally breaking the branches off can leave a tree vulnerable to infection in much the same way as an open wound on a pony can lead to disease.”

Discord was going to have an aneurysm. “It was a joke! Ugh, I hope you never run into Pinkie Pie, you’d kill her.”

“Actually, we’ve met, I’m dating her sister. And I certainly didn’t kill her as that is illegal and rather barbaric.”

Discord was done. “Oh holy fuck, I’m going to have a conniption. Goodbye, let’s never speak to each other again.”

“Okay, goodbye.”

Discord hurried away as fast as he could. Today was most certainly not a great day to hang out in Ponyville and he regretted everything. He would have to extend his condolences to Pinkie if Mud Briar ever became her brother-in-law. He had no idea such a boring and humorless pony could even exist. He couldn’t even be mad, that was just how Mud was and nopony could choose their personality, but damn was his coat ruffled.

Screw it. There was no way he was going shopping after that disaster of a walk. He just immediately went home and threw himself dramatically onto the couch, waving his hand as he conjured up a second Discord to sit in the armchair.

“Wha-” his clone asked, before getting a clipboard and a nice jacket tossed at him. “Oh, come on!”

“I’m glad you could see me, Doctor, I have so much to tell you!” Discord exclaimed, throwing an arm across his forehead.

“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not a therapist!” the other exclaimed, exasperated.

“Hahaha, very funny Doc, you always know how to cheer me up! Anyway, so I met this pony today and oh boy you should have heard him, he was an absolute pedant!”

With a tortured groan, “Doctor” Discord pulled on the coat and set a pen to the clipboard, resigning himself to his fate. “Okay, tell me the whole story.”

“Well! It was a warm day and I thought it would be nice to hang out in Ponyville, but boy were my dreams shattered…”

Comments

[PrinceOfDoom]

This was bound to happen eventually. And it was as hilarious as I imagined! Well written and excellent story!

[SpyroForLife]

8985916
Thanks! I was gonna make it longer but I feel like Discord just wouldn't be able to stay around him for long, he had to escape.

[SoloBrony]

I feel like this needs a followup where Discord says "buck it all" and either inverts Mud Briar's personality (possibly not causing any change at all... as there's nothing to invert...) or decides he absolutely must antagonize this pony until they react.

[SpyroForLife]

8986162
I like the way you think. I might just try writing a second part and see where it goes. >:3c

[FiMFanatic]

This was fricken cute and original! I really liked this! This felt very animated in my mind, something that Discord would actually do to an extent. The ending really sealef too. I feel so sorry for his clone. Great job!

[Forestor]

good on discord for keeping it somewhat together.