Chapter 2: Strange Meetings (edited June 14th 2021)
I stirred, and opened my eyes, watching as a pastel, light purple blob in front of me slowly gained focus.
"He's coming to! Check the others, and see if they're okay!"
I reached out my hand, only it felt... wrong. My whole body felt wrong, but my focus was elsewhere.
"Close the portal. There's something coming..."
"Oh, good, you're okay. It seems everyone else was just knocked out."
"No, you don't understand..." I blinked as my vision suddenly cleared.
For the first time in years, I found myself speechless.
Is that who I think it is? But it couldn’t be. That world was fictional; A figment of my imagination. Heck, even the voice actors weren’t alive anymore.
“What is this? Twilight, are you sure you calibrated the portal correctly?”
My eyes snapped over to the speaker.
Starswirl?
“I’m sure of It! These ponies came out of nowhere!” the lavender alicorn snapped back.
I heard a loud POP, and looked behind me to see a very familiar mirror with what looked like an assortment of wires, electrodes, and tubes hooked up to a book.
Ah. The portal to Canterlot High. A line of smoke began pouring from the top of the mirror, a few sparks flying out of the infernal contraption before a bright flash lit the room and the slight shimmering in the mirror faded.
Looks like that problem sorted itself out.
“Well, isn’t that just wonderful? Now we have to fix the blasted portal!”
“Hey! It wasn’t my idea to recalibrate the geodes so as to open a portal to another dimension other than Canterlot High!”
“Well I'M the one who originally built this mirror, but it was YOU who tampered with It!”
I raised a hoof to intercede in their argument…
Wait… a hoof?
Twilight stamped the ground with a forehoof.
“Yeah? Well I made it better! Who sets a portal to only open for 3 days every 30 moons?”
I examined myself slowly, twisting around to view my body more clearly.
Uh, okay… I must officially be dead.
As the argument continued behind me, I took in the sight of my chestnut colored mane and tail with a lighter brown streak in it, and my white coat slightly tinged with grey. I also had wings. That's interesting.
Starswirl rounded on Twilight;
“I did that so that the portal would stay stable for generations! And now it’s broken because YOU tampered with It!”
Oh, now this was a surprise. My cutie mark was the same as my OC on YouTube. In fact, apart from the missing motorcycle gear, my body was exactly the same.
Well now. I looked up and surveyed the room. Dad, Mom, Karra, Eren, Maelstrom, Anima, Ente, Hawk, Percy, Ixisten, Blaze, Chwerth, Vivid, Grove and Tumak. Looks like we all made it. I seem to be the only one awake. And we're all ponies... We're all ponies. We. Are. All. Ponies.
Initiate freakout in... 3. 2. 1...
"I am a pony. They are ponies. Everyone is ponies. Except for Spike. Oh, hey Spike. Oh, and you're here, too, Starlight. How delightful. Please tell me this is a dream and we're not in pastel ponyland, because if we aren't, then I'm clearly going nuts. Am I going nuts?" I turned to Spike and Starlight, who were staring at me with worried looks. "We come in peace."
Spike knelt next to me, and placed a claw on my forehead. "Hey, dude. You've been through a lot. Let's just check your temperature to make sure you're okay." His hand on my forehead felt hot, as if magma itself were coursing through his veins, to be radiated through his thick hide like a warm furnace. It was oddly comforting, and calmed my nerves.
I breathed deeply in, and then out. Existential crisis can wait
"Hey, Spike? I think I'm okay now. I was just freaking out a little."
He frowned, but nonetheless removed his claw. "You don't have a fever, at least." He glanced up at Starlight, who was still watching the fight unfold between Twilight and Starswirl.
Twilight jabbed a hoof into Starswirl's chest.
“Tampering with it was YOUR idea!”
Starswirl scoffed, and knocked Twilight’s hoof away.
“I merely suggested we expand the parameters of the modifications that you had already made!”
I sighed. When two nerds start fighting… ah who was I kidding, I’m the very definition of a nerd.
I cleared my throat. "Um, Starlight? Maybe someone should intercede?" She looked over at me with a bored expression.
"Nah. They get like this sometimes. If they come to blows, then I'll hop in." I raised an eyebrow. "What? This is pure entertainment. They're like an old married couple." I glared at her. "Alright, fine."
Starlight cleared her throat. “Hello!" Still no response. “Caw Caw! Caw Caw! Rrrrrrriiiiiicolaaaa!!!"
Really, that didn’t get their attention?
“HEY, LOVEBIRDS!”
The two scientists abruptly ceased arguing, and, upon realizing what Starlight had said, shuffled away from each other with looks of disgust on their faces.
Gotta admire her gumption. It got their attention, at least.
“Can you two maybe discuss this later? Right now we've got 15 unconscious ponies on the floor of the library, and they could wake up any minute. How do you think they’re going to react when they realize they’re in a different dimension?”
Otto- or who I assumed was Otto anyways, Kinda hard to know who's who with these new bodies. stirred, and mumbled something.
Twilight froze.
“...Different dimen…? Ohmygosh I’m so sorry!” She quickly rushed over to me, Starswirl following her at a slower pace. "Are you okay? Where are you from? Do you have any injuries? What does your cutie mark mean? WHERE’S MY QUILL AND PARCHMENT???”
I winced from the sudden onslaught of questions. Seeing my distress, Starlight laid a hoof on Twilight's shoulder, effectively silencing her.
"Twilight. Chill. How about you and Spike see to getting everyone to the hospital while Starswirl and I have a little chat with..." She looked at me questioningly.
"Uh, Motodrop. Or just Moto, but I'd like to stay with my..."
Starlight raised a hoof. "Don't worry about them, they'll be fine."
"But I..."
She placed her hoof on my shoulder. "They'll. Be. Fine. We have some of the finest doctors and nurses in Equestria right here in Ponyville, and three of the strongest magic users in the nation are in this room. If anything were to happen at all, I think we'd be covered, and besides," she removed her hoof, and began to walk to the door, "this won't take long, and then you can go back to your friends."
"Family.", I corrected.
She paused, but quickly nodded. "Right. Family."
I sighed nervously. “Okay, I’ll answer any questions you might have.”
Starlight studied me for a moment, and then nodded. With a gesture with her head, she indicated that Starswirl and I follow her to an adjoining room off of the library.
"Wait, can't we talk here?"
Without breaking stride, Starlight looked over at Starswirl, who until this point, hadn't said anything to me.
"We just need you away from any distractions. We need you focused."
My suspicions immediately shot up, but since I'd been a brony for quite a while back on Earth, I felt like I knew Starlight and Starswirl well enough to know that they wouldn't try any funny business with me.
They're probably just worried about their safety, I reasoned.
I hesitantly nodded, and attempted to stand, only to stumble.
"Um... a little help? I'm not exactly used to four hooves."
Starlight blinked, but lit up her horn, and carried me along like a sack of flour in her magic.
Well... this isn't humiliating at all.
As I was carried into what looked to be a study, I looked back at my family laying in the Castle library, and swallowed a lump. My view of them was blocked off as Starswirl closed the door behind us with magic.
I glanced around the room. It was, in a word, messy; piles of paper covered the single desk, with stacks of books piled in every conceivable empty space available. Writing utensils seemed to have been placed wherever convenient, and the only empty space on the floor was occupied with three cushions.
“You'll have to excuse the state of this room. It’s been a long week of research, and I haven’t had time to clean up this chamber.”
I raised an eyebrow at Starswirl.
“Is that why you and Twilight Sparkle were arguing earlier?”
He chuckled.
“I suppose lack of sleep would cause anypony to lose patience with those they care about." Starlight snorted, and Starswirl momentarily glared at her, but continued. "She has such a brain, that child does. It’s a shame she doesn’t fully utilize it.” I wasn't sure if Starswirl was talking about Twilight or Starlight, but I wasn't about to get in the middle of it; The tension in the room was palpable.
The aged stallion shook his head ruefully, and sat down on one of the cushions. He motioned for me to take the other one, which I did awkwardly. Starlight elected to stay standing.
“But enough about that. For now, I wish to hear about you; where are you from?”
I answered as honestly as possible;
“A planet called Earth. The country of Canada, to be specific.”
The bearded unicorn summoned a quill and notepad from within the messy confines of the room, and began to take notes. Starlight did the same, though she stared at me with far more suspicion than Starswirl did.
It creeped me out.
Wait a second, are they trying to do good cop/ bad cop?
“…And how did you and your family find yourselves to be here?”
“Um, do you want the long version, or the short version?”
“For now, the short version. We can get into details at a later time.”
I raised a shoulder in a half-shrug.
“Simply put, we needed an escape from certain death, and I happened to find the portal in the mirror of an old dresser. We took a chance, and next thing I knew, I stepped out of the portal here at Twilight’s castle.” I shuddered at how close we'd come to destruction, but quickly pushed that thought into the back of my mind.
“I see.”
There was an awkward moment where the only sound that could be heard was the scratching of the quill. Something seemed to occur to Starswirl, and he stopped writing, tapping the feathers of the quill against his mouth in thought. “Does this… Earth have some form of Equestrian history? You seem to be somewhat acquainted with this castle.”
I frowned.
"What he means," Interrupted Starlight, "is how did you know who Spike and I were?" She glared at me, her horn alight with prepared magic.
I gulped. How do I answer that in a way they'll understand? And in a way that doesn't make me look like a creep? “In a way, I guess we did have an historical archive of recent events with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Not too many people from my world took the time to… investigate them as it was seen as a lower form of entertainment.”
Starswirl hummed, the quill dancing across the notebook, while Starlight merely stared at me.
Seriously, that's creeping me out.
“Fascinating.”
“Starswirl? Starswirl!” The door cracked open, and Twilight stuck her head in. "I teleported our guests to the hospital. They were starting to show signs of waking up when I left..."
She trailed off as she took in the situation.
"Um, is this a bad time?"
I made eye contact with Twilight with a silent plea. Please save me from these mad ponies!
Twilight blinked, and broke eye contact.
Coward.
Starlight extinguished her horn, and reluctantly plopped her rump down on the one remaining cushion.
"No, it's okay Twilight. Go ahead."
Twilight took another moment to take in the situation, but seemed to put it out of her mind. "I sent a dragonfire letter to Princess Celestia; We're going to need her help if we’re going to get that portal fixed and send our guests back home.”
I winced.
“Um… about that…” All three equines gave me their full attention as I continued; “The mirror that we were sent through was most likely… actually I’m 99% sure it was destroyed. Actually, come to think of it, that may be why the portal fizzled out on this end."
Starswirl scoffed.
“That is of no consequence. We shall simply open a portal to another receptacle once our portal is mended."
Twilight nodded her head in agreement to this, but I ran my hoof through my mane in exasperation;
“No, I don't think you understand… there ARE no more suitable receptacles, and even if there were, the moment we’d step foot in that world, we’d die from radiation poisoning anyways.” I dropped my hoof down to the floor in finality. “I don't think there's any way to go back.”
Starswirl and Twilight exchanged puzzled looks.
“Radiation poisoning?”
I sighed. How do I explain that? “Well…”
I was interrupted by a familiar voice;
"Um, Twilight?" Spike popped his head in the door to the study. "I got a message from Celestia, and..."
He trailed off as he took in the situation.
"Um, is this a bad time?"
I made eye contact with Spike with a silent plea. Come on, man. Be a bro!
Spike blinked, and broke eye contact.
Coward.
Starlight sighed. "No, Spike, I think we're done here anyways."
"Oh! Well, Celestia said that she trusts you to handle the situation yourself, and that she has complete faith in you."
Pfft, why am I not surprised?
"She also said that you need to learn to clean up your own messes."
Twilight blushed, and Starswirl groaned.
"That's the first time I've ever been scolded by my own student."
Starlight suddenly stood, causing everyone in the room to flinch. "Well, if that's everything, I think Motodrop here wants to go back to his family."
I nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, please."
We appeared in the hospital lobby with a flash of bright, purple magic. Smoke poured off my singed wings and fur, and I coughed out some sparkles.
"A little warning next time?"
Twilight winced, while Spike and Starlight flopped over, laughing hysterically.
Very funny.
Starswirl rolled his eyes, and walked up to the front desk, where a crabby-looking nurse was doing a crossword puzzle.
"Excuse me, but earlier a number of unconscious ponies were brought in..."
The nurse pointed down the hallway to her left. "Rooms A10 through A13. Five beds to a room."
"Oh, well, thank you, ma'am."
"Sure."
I raised an eyebrow at Starlight. "Finest doctors and nurses in Equestria, eh?"
Starlight ignored me, instead following Starswirl and Twilight toward the rooms indicated. I did my best to follow, but yet again ended up flat on my face. I scrambled back up to my feet, er hooves, and quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen my little blunder. The nurse was staring right at me, with one eyebrow raised.
"Heh, I'm still learning how to use these."
She blinked, but shook her head and looked back down at her crossword.
I'm going to have to have a talk with whoever is in charge here. That's just unprofessional. Then again, this IS what universal healthcare looks like.
I snorted humorlessly, and then began to put one hoof in front of the other, slowly making my way to the first of the indicated rooms, where my escorts were already waiting for me.
"Hey, thanks for the help, much appreciated.", I snarked.
"Well, you're going to have to learn how to use those hooves at some point, might as well start now.", snarked Starlight right back.
"...WHAT THE (CENSORED SWEARWORD)?!?" Suddenly filtered its way through the door to the hospital room we were all standing at, causing most of us to flinch.
Well… that’s the first time I’ve ever heard Otto explicitly swear.
I smiled sheepishly. “I… should probably go explain what’s going on.” The two equines nodded dumbly, following me into hospital room A10 with shocked looks on their muzzles.
Guess swearing isn’t something they usually hear in Equestria. Well, that'll suit my family just fine, seeing as we rarely swear anyways I slowly stumbled my way over to Otto's bedside.
“Dad? Dad, it’s okay.” The sight that met my eyes would have been comical if not for the look of terror on Otto's face.
There was my father, staring down at his slate-grey fur, dark brown mane and tail with subtle black highlights, and his cutie mark; A simplified eagle overlaid on the shape of a shield. He looked up at me, trembling, and squinted.
“A horse…? A horse that talks?”
No wings or horn...an earth pony. Makes sense I guess. “Pony, actually.” I kneeled down on my front legs and nuzzled him. “It’s me, Dad. Motodrop.”
He frowned in confusion.
“Moto? But…” he looked around the library, observing the ponified versions of the other members of our family in the other beds, until his eyes settled on the lavender alicorn and the aged wizard who had followed me into the room.. “Who are they?”
Twilight spread her wings regally, holding her head high.
“I am the princess of friendship, Twilight Sparkle. It is my honor to welcome you to Equestria, Mr…?”
“Um... Otto..."
“Welcome to Equestria, Otto.” Twilight then took hold of my father's hoof, and shook it excitedly.
How do they grasp things with their hooves like that?
“And I am known as Starswirl the Bearded.” The old unicorn bowed respectfully. “After having spoken with this young stallion…” he pointed at me. “… I understand you probably have questions, and they shall be answered in due time. For now, however, perhaps it would be best if you spent some time with your son.”
Otto slowly turned to look at me.
“Moto... I'm dead, aren't I?”
“Uhh, no. No, I don't think we are, Dad."
“Son, you got some ‘splaining to do.”
I rubbed the back of my head with my hoof, and whispered back;
“Remember when I said I liked watching My Little Pony?... Yeaaah…”
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Welp, time for awkward explanations
So, same vein as my last comment. I'm mostly here for critical type stuff, though again I will take the time to say that your prose remains much cleaner than so many others. I think you could have some real talent, but I'm also guessing you haven't written anything long-form before.
First, a quick note about presentation and professionalism. If you can, keep it to one image or less per chapter. Look at the way your pictures break the text formatting on this one. It's annoying, and it's entirely preventable. For most characters, we don't need an image to get an idea of what they look like, your carefully constructed prose is more than enough. For this chapter for instance, an image for your protagonist would be fine, but having a seperate cutie mark image and then one for his dad is probably more than we need. The cutie mark is clearly visible in the wholebody image and nothing plot-related is happening with it this chapter, so it mostly just takes up space.
You make a mistake that lots of other aspiring novelists make here with the characterization of your protagonist. Namely: he seems driven entirely by the needs of the plot rather than his own desires. We don't see nearly enough reaction from just surviving the end of the world--no relief that he might've survived, no emotional reaction to that at all.
Not only that, but his family is unconscious on the ground in front of him, their futures uncertain, and he agrees to walk out of the room with Starswirl for a Q&A. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have left my family on the ground helpless like that to answer survey questions. There doesn't seem to be any reason that he couldn't answer the questions right there with them.
But the plot wanted him to go into another room and have a calm conversation, so that's what he did. It makes his actions feel a little inauthentic right there. Even if for some reason he's forced to do what the plot wants anyway (Twilight promises to watch his family while he accomplishes his important task with Starswirl, for instance), if he at least puts up resistance and thinks of the obvious things that we as readers are going to be wondering about, then you can get away with it.
Don't think this is a major problem, though--a little dialogue could fix it. If we're already at the point that we're talking about authentic characterization, you're already past plenty of stories here on fimfiction.
Now please in Celestia's name don't have him romance Twilight Sparkle...
9012673
Hahaha, I have no desire to have the character romance twilight. It's been overdone. I actually haven't figured out who The main character will romance yet, but I won't be rushing it (despite the other characters' teasing) The reason I felt that my character needed to leave the room was simply because of the distraction of having an unconscious family around. I felt that removing him from the scene would help keep him focussed (remember that this character is based on my own personality) But you are right in that my character could've protested a little more and be assured by twilight. As for the photos, you're absolutely right. I'll probably be going back through this story and removing them. I have the entire family photo, now, so I can use that for reference instead. Thanks for the reviews by the way. Any critique I can get is helpful to me, so keep 'em coming!
Instantly able to move.
Never mind. He follows her before realising he cannot stand.