• Member Since 18th Nov, 2012
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Chaos Nightmare


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It all happened so fast there was fighting in the streets, people being dragged in the streets and killed. I was one of those people but before I was killed I was taken by a bright light and taken somewhere else.

Takes place several hundred years after Z and Super, GT is noncanon to this story.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 29 )

So far so good!:pinkiehappy:

So this Father Conner is pretty much an idiot extremist when it comes to his faith. Right then, someone call Lord Beerus or Sunset Shimmer and tell them everyone involved in this atrocity needs to suffer by Hakai for their evil blasphemy and mass murder.

On another note this is off to an interesting start.

I like it, but I do have a few issues with it . Like I feel that it's rushed a bit too much, and I feel like we aren't given too much of Julia's character in this chapter.

Anyways, I hope to see what you do with the next chapter! :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile::moustache:

Hey, a 10/0 story on the new page list! Finally some new rea...ding... material.

Welp, let's start with a criticism. Let's start with the title. It's indecisive. If you capitalize the important words, like a name and the "the", it's typical for you to also capitalize the "t" in "tale". It provides cohesion rather than a single word that isn't capitalized.

Next, let's look at the tag.
Violence - Honestly, I find this tag is overused. According to the tag information teen can't have "detailed description of violence or injuries." The important word is "detailed". Unless you're showing us the gore and blood (unlikely as you didn't include the gore tag), you don't need it.
Death - Unless it has a main character whose good dying as an important part kickstart to the plot, you don't need this tag either.
Sci-fi - Nothing of note here. Just gonna keep this in mind. If I don't see a high tech Equestria, you don't need it.
Anthro - Anthro? Why? Why did you go Anthro? There's no sex tag, so you can't be tryin' to sex them up. There's no romance tag, so there you're not romancing up a character... so why? Why change them to Anthro? Is there literally any reason? If not, they should remain ponies. Anthro is basically exclusive to the worlds of clop as to it's use.
Crossover - Nothing to say here. I will say I dislike the genre and can point you to multiple threads where the topic is discussed.
Human - Oh bo-- wait, I thought this was Majin Buu going to Equestria? Oh no...
Alt. Universe - Ah, an excuse to ignore canon. Perfecto, though I won't be giving you a pass on any stupid choices.
OC - Why do I have a feeling this is meant to be self insert? Baseless assertion, and if I'm wrong I'll apologize, but I can't shake the feeling.

Now to the description.

It all happened so fast there was fighting in the streets, people being dragged in the streets and killed.

This is all over the place. Let me rewrite it for you.
"It all happened so fast. People were fighting out in the streets, dragged out into the center and murdered."
See how that flows better and makes more logical sense? Break it up and change the sentence length.

I was one of those people

Who is the "I"? Also, if this is a Majin creature, how did it get murdered? Aren't they indestructible?

but before I was killed I was taken by a bright light and taken somewhere else.

Discord did it. Hm? Oh, yeah, putting any amount of money on it.

Takes place several hundred years after Z and Super, GT is noncanon to this story.

You should be putting this in the story rather than telling us as a basis. It should be explained in action and dialogue that time has passed.

You know what I didn't see in this description? Anything that happens in the story. I don't know what the genre is, what the plot is, or what the conflict is. I don't even know who the "I" is, much less what they're doing in the story.

Basically, what I'm saying is you failed at creating a description. There's no reason for me to read on as you haven't properly given me a reason. There's no hook, there's no story, it isn't even long enough to catch my attention span for more than 2 seconds.

But, hey, I've been wrong before. Sometimes the cover sucks and the story is amazing. 10/0 ratio's pretty good, so let's check the story itself.


It was a bad day,

"It"? A dangling participle! Kill it with fire!

people were fighting in the streets and were stealing stuff.

This is the improper voice. You should be using the active voice "people fought and stole stuff in the streets." rather than the passive voice you used. It provides more activity and punch to a scene. Also, we have no idea what's happening right now. I hope I get answers.

I was really scared

Yes, I can totally see this. I can see the shaking of the knees, the sweat pouring down their forehead, literally any signs of being scared. You're writing in the first person. Go watch a horror movie and sit back down and rewrite this to reflect the way your body reacted to fear.

and I hid in my closet with all my plushies.

"People are murdering each other outside! Everything's going bananas! To the closet!"
Wait, wut? I'm sorry, there's no logical line here. Why would they go to their plushies? Why wouldn't they go lock the door, grab a weapon, try to preserve their own life at all?

For that matter, who are we looking through? Who is this random person?

But i got bored a an hour later

Starting a narrative sentence with "but", having an "i" be lowercase, and making no sense. There's still looters and murderers out there. The fact they got bored shows a mentality of a child with no preservation instincts. If this is our main character, I'll be expecting them to eat lead paint within a chapter.

and decided to get out of the closet

What was the point of this? You could have cut all this out and jut started with them doing something else entirely. What was even the point of this scene?

to watch my favorite part of Dragon Ball Z the Buu saga.

Holds up hand.
This is not a human being. This is stupidity incarnate. They don't check to see if the murderers are out there, they don't check their house, they don't do anything except get bored and go watch DBZ? In the middle of a life or death scenario?

This is not a character.

It had so many good parts like Majin Vegeta and Super Saiyan 3 as well as Mr Satan.

Why are you telling us this? You didn't show us them watching these fights, you didn't show any of this, you just told us. There's absolutely no point to this.

Also, the Buu saga was the weakest saga of DBZ, the best being the Frieza Saga.

Who doesn’t love Mr Satan?

Don't speak to your audience. Just don't. I can list reasoning if you desire, but I ask you to trust me here.

A few good hours passed

Wow, those mass murderers and looters are taking their sweet time. Any self respecting HiE woulda' killed their protagonist already.

as I watched on my laptop

You already mentioned this. Your audience has an attention span of more than 3 seconds, unlike this character.

I heard a noise coming from outside my apartment door,

If he(she?) hasn't heard the noises of death and murder coming from outside this entire time, they had to be wearing headphones or be have a case of "Storyconvenius", where they only hear things related to the "plot".

looked outside to see people entering my apartment building.

Hear noise outside of door, look outside and see people entering... Something seems wrong here, unless it's a legion of people marching upstairs.

‘Maybe it's the government?’ I thought

Common consensus is thoughts are in italics. Read any book and they follow this methodology. I'd advise you use the same.

I quickly cleaned myself up from the snacks I had while watching Dragon Ball.

Murder, mayhem, looting? Just go grab a bag of doritos and some Mt. Dew and sit back and watch some anime! I'm sure that you'll live!

This person has 0% morality, 0% self preservation instinct, and 0% intelligence. They have to already be dead, have no pulse, and in no way be able to survive.

I decided to open the door for them,

I... wut? This is dangerous levels of stupid. I'm moving the lead paint to actually staying in character, so I doubt they'll actually do it at this point.

they were the government after all.

This idea was pulled from the aether, as clearly this child didn't know who it was and you didn't describe the people as wearing uniforms, so I can only assume they saw hoodlums and chainsaw murderers and said "That's the government!". Frankly, I don't think you even thought about this plot for a second.

it took me a second to realise “Hey you’re not the government?”

you misspelled "realize". Also, No sh**, Sherlock."

I said confused when I recognised Bill who works at the grocery store,

You misspelled recognize. Did a "Z" murder your family?

Also, wouldn't it have been more coherent for Bill to knock at the door, call out to the child, and ask to be let in, only to then murder them. If the child (I'm assuming a child) recognizes him, it'd make more plot coherence.

I then

Never use then. It's a bad word. Trust me on this.

Bill looked at the other men and said “Bring her to the town hall.”

You need a comma after said. Also didn't capitalize "Bill" in the next sentence.

As I was being brought I saw people hanging from street lights and I was scared

So descriptive. Glad you're using the violence and death tag to... no effect.

“Shut up and you’ll see.”

"So if I keep talking I get to live?"
Honestly, that'd make as much sense for this child to say in this sentence.

One of the men said

Also, you need to have a comma at the end of a sentence with "said" after and not capitalize the next word. Basic grammar. Learn it.

“What?” I asked scared.

I don't think you've said she's scared yet. Just maybe. I don't think you made your point clear two seconds ago when you said "she was scared."

Then again, her fear vanishes every other second, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I’ve hear your a bit dense

O-oh... I think I'm gonna get attacked for calling this child idiotic or non-sensical and saying she would eat lead based paint. sigh. I made those jokes not thinking you'd drop the "mental illness" card. I'm honestly disappointed in you, author.

Also, just gonna throw this out: Murdering children is the biggest sin in Christianity as they are blameless. Having a christian saying to hang a child is akin to having them say "Imma burn this bible to prove a point."

Though, I should say good job on doing a scene change correctly. Many authors of HiE don't, so good job.

“Oh god, i’m dead!”

You're missing some capitalization, specifically in "god" and "i".

I said startled as I got on my knees

Er... it's white void. You never said they had a body, so they shouldn't be able to get to their knees.

Its no problem my child,” the man said before asking “ Do you know where you are?

Why did you bold these? You didn't specify if his voice was special, whether it echoed off the void, or if it filled it like the air. As such, there's no point in you bolding it.

I’m not going to explain what's going on let's just say you won a prize

I beg of you, not power Lottery. Those fics are the literal garbage tier of HiE, which is already D to F tier.

“Wait I never entered any contest?”

You're also in purgatory, meaning you're dead. You should probably think with what few brain cells you have.

He muttered something under his breath

Well, we know this ain't the judeo-christian God.

I’ll even give you a bonus if you want. I can turn you into a Saiyan if you want.” He said.

"Why?"
"Because the story said so."

You need a reason to give these powers. You can't just handwave it, it hurts the story if you do.

He looked impressed

Huh...? Wait, wut? Why is he impressed? He's impressed by a rudimentary knowledge of DBZ? He's a literal god, why the hell is he... No, no, don't ask questions.

I was hesitant to as my 4th nanny

>Had multiple nanny's
>Lived in an apartment

Something's wrong here..

I simply opened you Ki and gave you knowledge on how to use it

This implies that she had Ki prior to the transformation, which brings about many questions as to what world we were previously in, whether normal earth or some meta universe.

“What is-” Applebloom asked before seeing what Scootaloo was talking about. “What is that?” She asked.

“I don’t know but I think it's alive.” Scootaloo said.

“What should we do?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“What if we got Twilight or Zecora?” Applebloom asked.

“Scootaloo you go get Twilight while we keep an eye on this?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Talking heads! Repetition! Literally everything you don't want in dialogue!

You used "asked" 3 times in a row. Don't do that.

(PoV ???)

sigh

You were so close to being one of the few that could do a scene change. Then you did this.

Never, ever, ever use a "POV: Name" to change a scene. It's both lazy and bad for the reader's health.


Having gone through it, this is the stereotypical HiE, but you spent most of the story with the literal worst character in it. The OC is so unreliable and sporadic, I'm surprised they could even have a PoV without killing the keyboard.

Seriously, stop and take a look at this and try again. Make logical sense in your writing! I can give you resources that will aid you, lectures and reading material to show you how to do it correctly. Just give writing an actual effort!

Note: Comment saved in case of deletion.

8980750
Giving constructive criticism is a writer’s best friend. Your’s however is full of unecesssary judgement. Badmouthing tags also lessens the chance of being listened to.

The human and OC tags for are actually required by the site rules if a character was originally human and if it is planned to include characters of non-canon origins.

If you intend to help someone, be respectful. If you think you think you can write it better, offer to be an editor. First, I suggest you actually learn tag use yourself before telling others how they should be used...

(I should also point out you can be reported for harassment to the site for reposting a deleted post)

A day with majin and pinkie pie

8981063

Your’s however is full of unecesssary judgement.

Perhaps, but as it's the only way for me to stay sane, I hope the author can pick out when I'm serious and when I'm being snarky.

Badmouthing tags also lessens the chance of being listened to.

I didn't badmouth tags. I questioned their use, which does remind me. Thank you.

Author, the current tags tell us nothing of the genre of the story. We know it's a crossover, but not whether it's slice of life, romance, adventure, etc.. Add something to tell us.

The human and OC tags for are actually required by the site rules if a character was originally human and if it is planned to include characters of non-canon origins.

Yes, I know, though I still have a feeling the OC tag should be a self insert one, at least partially.

I confess, I don't see your point in bringing this up. The most I said was "Oh no..." when realizing it's a human tag with Majin Buu in the cover as that basically confirmed it as Displaced. My least favorite genre on this site.

If you intend to help someone, be respectful.

This was me being respectful. I could have attacked the author on any of these points, dragging in his character and style of writing. I could have pointed links between the intelligence of a character and of the author and started comparing the two and ask myself "Which is smarter?" and that would have been rude.

I didn't. I stayed within the story and criticized it. Please, point out where I was disrespectful. I'd like to know where I can improve.

If you think you think you can write it better,

I'm not being prideful when I say I can. I know basic grammar and characterization, story structure, and description crafting to a degree. It's not an "I think".

offer to be an editor.

Having done this many, many times in the past, I'll pass. Unfortunately, it doesn't help as much as you'd think, though that doesn't mean I post and leave. If someone handles criticism well, I invite them to a fimfic group and discord where myself and a few other skilled writers can help them go from noob to decent.

First, I suggest you actually learn tag use yourself before telling others how they should be used...

I do know how tags are used...? My entire dissection of them and how to and how not to use them is evidence for this fact. I'm not sure whether your projecting or not, but I do know how tag work.

(I should also point out you can be reported for harassment to the site for reposting a deleted post)

Who said anything about reposting? If my comment is deleted, I have a friend who runs a blog where he tears stories apart in the same way I do. I'll just give him the copied version and be a guest contributor. Why was your first jump to harassment? Do you truly think so lowly of a random guy on the internet?

8981470
Sorry to say that bragging about having a friend who is a YouTube troll known for tearing stories apart, isn’t very impressive. Flamers are trash who will never be recognized for anything more than ignored deletable garbage rats on the internet. The only worthwhile comments a writer bothers to look for are the ones offering constructive criticism from people who aren’t complete snarky douchbags...

8981518
Why are you projecting on me again? I never even mentioned YouTube. He's a fimfic user and it's literally just his blogs. They aren't even well known.

Its not bragging. You insinuate and insulted me by claiming I'd harass the author.

Take a step back and take a breath. Your projecting your anger on me for actions I never took.

8981529
Sorry, flamers just really tick me off. Your first post came off to me as a troll just flaming in the guise of constructive criticism. To be honest, I didn’t bother to read it all because you were too heavy on the snark and it hardly seemed you gave the fic an honest chance. It wouldn’t take too much effort for anyone who even used their brain to figure out that the tags were actually appropriate.

8981569
If it takes anyone half a brain, everyone must by able to predict the future.

I bring this up because of the sci-fi tag. It's not yet appropriate as we've yet to see anything sci-fi. The anthro tag i questioned for its use, as no romance, sex, or clop.

Given the fact the characters weren't even described with typical anthro proportions, they could be ponies and nothing would change.

The violence tag isn't needed as the violent acts aren't described in a detailed way.

I'd advise you actually read the comment before making baseless conjecture, unless you can predict the future.

8981581
Okay, I'm going to comment on this.

The Sci-fi tag is there because Dragon ball has always been somewhat sci-fi
The Anthro tag is there because It makes fights easier to write then if they were ponies/feral
and the Violence tag is there because as stated before there is going to be fighting.

8981594
That’s a given seeing as I actually played FighterZ and actually have some clue who Lamp is as a Majin.

8981581
An omnipotent-like being popping up right at the moment of certain death and turning the little girl into any form she wishes and sending her to a reality where not only magic exists but light will always triumph over darkness doesn’t qualify as a Sci-fi event?

8981637
...She's not a little girl she's 21.

8981594

The Sci-fi tag is there because Dragon ball has always been somewhat sci-fi

Is this taking place in Equestria or in DBZ Land? If it's the former, lose the Sci-Fi. If it's the latter, what are we doing in Equestria? Go write a displaced in DBZ land.

The Anthro tag is there because It makes fights easier to write then if they were ponies/feral
and the Violence tag is there because as stated before there is going to be fighting.

There are two lines of logic that counteract this.
1) You should keep them as ponies to actually make your fic interesting. Everyone has read a DBZ-Anthro-Fighting fic. No one has written a DBZ-Pony-Fighting Fic with proper equine technique. However...

2) You're making a grave error. If the center of your story is fighting, you don't understand how writing works. There's a reason why books aren't anime. There's a reason why books focus on dialogue and actions as opposed to fighting. There's a reason why fighting is the last step for most protagonists.

To put it simply, fighting in the written word falls flat. There are good techniques that make one capable of writing action, but you cannot, and I repeat cannot write a tournament arc in a book. If you do, it'll fail as the fighting becomes boring and monotonous, the last thing you want your fighting to be. It works in anime because you sit back and watch the pretty colors flash. It doesn't work in writing because the pretty colors are absent.

You've made the same mistake I've seen many, many others make. Books are not Anime and Books are not Manga. Techniques that work in one don't work in another. You can't call out attacks in books as it comes across as childish and stupid. You can in anime so that the watcher knows what's happening.

You can spend the entire page in dialogue and philosophical discussion in a book. You can't in an anime without inter-splicing it with combat or some over the top symbolism.

A perfect example is Death Note's Potato Chip scene. It works in anime because of the angles and the dramatic voice actors, as well as the motion it shows. Try writing that scene and you'll find your readers wanting to burn the page.

8981645
Sorry, never really caught her age. You did a great job with making her as simple and innocent as her Majin counterpart though.

8981637
No... That's in no way Sci-Fi. At best you could say that's a religion, magic, or any of the three. Honestly, when I first saw it I was half certain it was Celestia coming to save her.

But, no. It's not Sci-Fi.

8981645
She's 21... I reiterate all of my points of her being stupid 10 times.

8981702
I guess I was lied to by all those episodes of the Twilight Zone then...

8981706
Given that this isn't a crossover with Twilight Zone, I see no reason for you to drag in your own beliefs in it into this back and forth.

8981709
8981706
Could you two argue somewhere else, please?

8981709
Considering this isn’t your fic or mine, neither of our opinions matter. Other than the one that you can’t seem to grasp I wish you’d go bother anyone besides me

8981715
I’m done, he just won’t stop commenting on everything I say even when it isn’t towards him

8980559
Okay I get Beerus he's a god but why mention Sunset Shimmer?

8982037
Something of an inside joke that thanks to Daughters of Destruction on this site for the Universe 13 story event by Blackdrag-rose, I can't stop imagining anthro Sunset as the newly awakened Equestrian Goddess of Destruction for Universe 13 with Celestia as her Angel and Twilight as the Supreme Kai. Rainbow Dash and Applejack happen to, due to the events of the story, end up as the apprentices for them and Lord Beerus' daughters which mellowed him out a lot before Dragon Ball started, changing the course of the series for the better as far as how things go down from DBZ onwards.

Plus I could imagine if she befriended Lamp she'd have a bone to pick with Father Conner.

Can wait to read the next chapter, whenever that happens.

As I was crying a voice came in from nowhere saying “ You’re not dead my child.

:fluttershbad: I dislike the god moments, mostly because (and I feel like I say it all the time), I have seen this turning out bad mostly.

I simply opened you Ki and gave you knowledge on how to use it

I think you should fix that and make herself learn it even if you have to write the story a bit longer because of that maybe.

The instand war maschine thing....well let's say i don't know how much experience in writing you have now.
They are also more likeable if you see them learn it instead of being Op from the start.

(PoV ???)

“Derpy I have sensed a new Ki near Ponyville and I want you to bring them to me.”

This is something personal I prefer now, but I hope Derpy and the others aren't Ponysayan super fighters and the ponies just have their magic to draw powers even if you have to make them into little war maschinces. I think they shouldn't know about ki.

This has potential. I would very much so like to see this grow into an even better story than it already is, and I know a few ways to help it become that. Contact me when you are free, my friend. I shall be waiting. After all...

Time is all I have on my hands.

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