Prickly Love

After a nasty break up with Lyra, Bon Bon has tried many ways to move past her past relationship and failed everytime. It is clear to her that only one thing must be done. With the connections a retired secret agent would have, she obtains the knowledge needed to replace Lyra with an assortment of fruits. How bad could this possibly get?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Wind of the Skies

Wind of the Skies #1 · Jul 1st, 2018 · · ·

Funny

RedRandom

RedRandom #2 · Jul 1st, 2018 · · ·

9018474
Thank you It means a lot

Wind of the Skies

Wind of the Skies #3 · Jul 1st, 2018 · · ·

9018511

The Dean

The Dean #4 · Jul 6th, 2018 · · ·

Hello! This is the SFNW Dean speaking. Good job on getting a story done on time for the June class. You can find the Professor's writeup below!

General: This story suffers from a lack of a cohesive vision. The author, RedRandom, had a novel premise in mind but seemed to have little idea what to do once their premise was met. The story itself begins and ends with the ritual itself. The lead up to it feels like a formality, and once the creature is created, the focus of the story is set on destroying it rather than some of the more innately interesting implications it brings.
Deep Dive
The lack of focus is apparent when you look at the tags (Romance, Drama, Random, Profanity). Aside from the story’s inciting incident (which was told rather hurriedly than shown and developed), the only notion of romance is a rushed proclamation of “I love yous” from the leads at the very end. What is more glaring is that the events of the story is more likely to drive the couple further apart than bring them together, given Bon Bon’s unstable nature in this interpretation.
The drama is near nonexistent. Aside from the low hanging fruit of life and death stakes (which admittedly belongs in many other genres more than just drama), we learn very little about the characters and their state of minds. What we do learn is played off as a joke in an offhand comment of “Bon Bon’s a chatty alcoholic,” undercutting the drama. It’s also a bit of a plot contrivance that even the lampshading at the end shouldn’t excuse. The dramatic tension of the piece is “Will they survive?” rather than the logical one presented by the inciting incident of a fight and break up that would naturally be “Will they make up?” There is a fundamental disconnect between the inciting incident and the premise.
And now the dreaded random tag. Truly random writing is impossible to make comprehensible, let alone enjoyable. There is a reason why the old adage “fiction has to make sense, reality doesn’t” exists. Drama is about stakes and tension, so the meaninglessness of random story elements only acts to take away from said tension. On a positive note however, this story is less random and more absurdist. “A cloning ritual gone wrong brings a fighting couple closer together,” is a wonderful absurdist premise as it leads one to consider “Is rekindling love more valuable than death at the moment?” in a humorous way. Unfortunately, RedRandom rushes the couple reconciling in favor of a fight scene. Lyra and Bon Bon slowly working through their differences as they try to survive is an easy way to connect the stakes and the character relationships.
As for the profanity tag, the author seems to mistakenly believe that swearing is inherently funny. Not to mention that the use of “Buck” rather than its real-world equivalent is jarring enough to undercut any dramatic tension. Even then, the sheer amount of f-bombs (or b-bombs in this case) is distracting. Again, the lack of focus hurts the premise as the story neither commits to drama nor absurdism. The choice of drama tag over comedy is rather telling to give us an insight on what the writer valued more but struggled to convey without undermining it.
Clinic
The story is flawed but shows potential. I recommend that the author consider what they want to accomplish with the story and stick to it. Learn the conventions of tone and genre and what causes disconnects between them. This story could have worked as a horror drama, committing to a monster that conveys feelings of dread and a conflicted relationship put under the stress of a life threatening situation or it could have been an absurdist comedy as mentioned above as the couple values working out their relationship more than surviving. As it stands, it lingers in an awkward middle ground.
Technical Writing
Prose is serviceable, neither detracts nor adds to the story in any meaningful way. Minor word hiccups like misspellings or ‘missing’ words, but an editing pass could tighten it up easily.
Pros: Wonderful premise and creative ideas. Well written technically.
Cons: Lack of focus on what the story wants to be. Execution isn’t there to nudge it one way or the other. Humor is lacking. Weak ending.

Check out the forums for your final grade and next month's prompt. We look forwards to working with you again!

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