La Vie Boheme
"GO PENN, GO!"
Sunset sat up in her tent, blinking in surprise at the sound of Missy's enthusiastic shouting. Thankfully, it was a happy-sounding shout, rather than a panicked one, which meant she could take her time getting up, stretching, and changing into fresh clothes. Leaving the tent, she shook off a chill of the crisp morning air and quickly zipped it back up to save the warm air inside.
"Level three: According to "Weird Al" Yankovic, what items could one find in a hardware store?"Isis and Missy were both sat on top of Sylvia's roof while Penn leaned idly against the rear passenger door, speaking and nodding to himself to a set beat.
"Alan wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters-" he nodded to Sunset without breaking off his recitation, and she gave him a groggy wave in reply before settling in on the other side of Missy and Isis, leaning on the car in a way to mimic him.
"So... what's going on?"
"Well, you know how Penn's got a freaky memory?" Missy leaned down, snickering a little. "Well, Isis and I are trying to test just HOW good it is!"
Sunset raised an eyebrow, turning to look at Penn for confirmation. He smiled and shrugged at her as if to say "Why not?" and continued counting rhyming items off on his fingers.
"Guess that's one way to spend a morning." She smirked and stepped over to the softly crackling remains of their campfire and took off the kettle waiting there. The supplies to make herself hot chocolate were already out and half-spent, and she happily helped herself to the remainder. One seemingly out-of-place item caught her eye: a small cup, mostly empty aside from a coating of viscous black liquid inside with a metallic sheen.
Right... ink. Gonna have to get used to seeing that around. She shrugged to herself. She refused to let it worry her, any more. She knew Penn was the one in control and with them, and that was good enough for her.
"-calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers!" Penn punched the air in triumph as he finished off the last of the list.
"WOOO!" Missy whooped, raising her mug with a smile and a puff of steam. "HE DID IT!"
"Accuracy one hundred percent. Well done. Would you like to attempt level five?""I've yet to be stumped, so why not?" Penn smiled and raised his own mug, which Sunset noticed had an extra shine to it compared to her own.
"Complete this toast as far as you can: To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing..."
Penn blinked, his brow furrowing in frustration.
"What's the matter, Penn? You finally meet your match?" Sunset snickered and took a sip of her hot chocolate. It was still too hot to drink, burning at her lips and tongue, but the sweetness almost made it worth it. The feeling of hot liquid pouring down to her stomach did wonders to push away the chill.
"To... the need to express... to communicate... to going against the grain, going insane, going mad!" He started off slowly, unsure of himself at first but quickly speeding up as the words seemed to come back to him. His hand began to rock up and down, snapping his fingers on each downbeat. "To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension-"
"Okay, this is clearly a song, Isis." Missy smirked. "Nice try, calling it a toast."
"In its original context, it IS a toast. It just happens to be a toast made in a musical.""True, but if you're testing memory, isn't song lyrics cheating a little? They rhyme, they've got time and beat..." Sunset raised an eyebrow. "If you REALLY wanted to test his memory, why not give him a random list of numbers and ask him to repeat it back to you? Or memorize a deck of cards?"
"His ability seems only to work with some form of media. Outside of referencing creative works, he seems to have an average memory, perhaps even below average.""He can't remember something like this unless it's a movie, tv show, song, or whatever!" Missy translated. "Anything with real-life applications and he turns into the absent-minded professor!"
Penn took a moment to give Missy a dirty look while his mouth continued on, almost seeming to be detached from whatever he was consciously thinking now that it was caught up in the lyrics. "-emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion-"
"Besides, I specifically chose this song for a reason.""What's that?"
"To reveal that would compromise the independent variable of the experiment.""Ah, can't do that..." Sunset mumbled into her hot chocolate. "So... what's for breakfast?"
"We were thinking of stopping at McDonalds! The next city up ahead seems pretty nice!"
"No portals opened in the immediate area seem to have introduced dangerous factors. I have double-checked, this time."Sunset nodded. "Sounds good to me. After that time we tried to go through a drive-through in a zombified Saint Louis, I REALLY need something to get the imagery of a handburger out of my memory..."
"-bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens-" Penn continued, looking as though he was starting to run out of breath.
"So... how long IS this 'toast?'" Sunset glanced up at Isis, who was observing Penn's reaction carefully.
"Quite long, as it comprises the majority of the song. He IS free to stop, though that would mean admitting defeat."Sunset knew it was meant to egg him on. Sunset knew that PENN knew that it was an unspoken challenge calculated to poke at his competitive side, she could tell by the look on his face.
"That's playing dirty, Isis! Do you REALLY think Penn can finish all of this before he passes out from lack of oxygen?" Sunset rolled her eyes. "There's no way he knows this song well enough to get through the rest!"
"No way to make a livingmasochismspainperfectionmusclespasm-" he continued, increasing the speed of his finger snapping to match his flood of words.
"You know... I wonder, since his blood is ink-colored now, will his face turn red or black?" Missy pondered. "And if it's the latter, would that technically count as blackface if it's just his natural complexion now? I don't want to wind up defending myself in court with the NAACP!"
"This would be a fine opportunity to observe."Missy floated down, leaning in close to examine Penn's face.
"Nah... He's just kinda ashy-colored, but that's it." She hummed to herself. "Maybe a little sepia-ish? My eyes could be playing tricks on me."
"tofaggotslezziesdykescrossdresserstootometometometoyouandyouandyouyouandyou!" Penn declared, punching a fist towards the skies. "To people living with, living with, living with, not dying from disease!"
Seemingly finished, he took a deep lungful of air before his eyes rolled up into his head and he fell backwards into the snow, completely passed out from either exhaustion or lack of air.
"He did technically finish the toast, but for the sake of completion... ahem. Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn... La vie boheme!"
"Wow... he actually did it." Missy whistled to herself. "So... who's gonna pick him up out of the snow?"
"He'll be fine..." Sunset muttered into her mug. "So, why'd you pick that song, Isis?"
"La Vie Boheme from the musical Rent is not only extremely long and a list of seemingly unconnected items which are being toasted, but it also brings one other factor few other references do."
"Oh? What's that?" Missy asked, taking back her seat on the roof.
"I know for a fact that it has been at least five years since Penn listened to that particular song. While music does encourage memorization, that was quite the feat of memory."Sunset let out a low whistle. "Wow. That IS something..."
"So... If Penn's out cold, who's driving?" Missy asked.
All eyes turned to look at Penn, who was quietly snoozing in the snow.
"Whoops."
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"Wait... do I actually know something you DON'T?" Sunset asked, a note of incredulity in her voice.
"Grrr..." Penn growled, fidgeting more furiously with the item in his hands. "Isis?"
"Nuh-uh-uh! Asking Isis for help is cheating!" Missy declared.
"I wasn't gonna ask her for help!" Penn lied, glancing from side to side. "I was just... gonna ask how Sylvia's holding up. You know, since she's driving while I figure this out."
"The Oldsmobile appears to be running optimally.""I can get this..." Penn muttered, completely ignoring Isis's status report to focus on the toy in his hands. He furiously twisted at it, turning it over and over in his hands. Sunset could tell that he was making no progress, and she clapped her hand over her mouth to try and hide her laughter. "It's just about spatial awareness and thinking ahead!"
"Penn... do you want a hint?"
"NO!" Penn growled, twisting and turning more furiously.
"You're not getting any closer..." Missy whispered.
Penn gave it a few more twists before seeming to lose all sense of thinking ahead and moving at random before slamming the puzzle onto the dashboard. "You take the darn thing apart and put it back together right, THAT'S how you solve it!"
"Pffft! Hahaha!" Sunset finally let herself laugh as she reached up and took back the Rubik's Cube. "Penn, this thing has forty-three quintillion configurations. You're not gonna just stumble into a solution with random moves!" Sunset took a quick look before beginning to shift the sides back and forth with practised ease. "I CAN teach you, you know! In spite of how many ways you can set it, you're never more than twenty moves from solving it!"
"It tasks me..." Penn grumbled. "It tasks me and I shall solve it... I will chase the solution 'round the moons of Nibia, 'round the Anteres Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's flames before I give it up!"
Sunset and Missy both glanced at each other and took a turn to shrug. Sunset held the cube out, displaying the first step to solving the pattern. "So... does that mean you want me to teach you?"
Penn blinked a few times, snapping out of whatever vengeful reverie he'd fallen into before snatching up the cube and setting himself to work (and immediately undoing the head start she'd given him). "I'll figure it out myself! I CAN do it!"
It was another five hours before he finally handed it back to her in defeat. Somehow, her ability to solve it in under a minute seemed to crush what little was left of his spirit.
"You don't have to feel bad, Twilight can't seem to wrap her head around it, either!" she assured him, hoping to mitigate the damage her speedy solution had inflicted. Penn never spoke on the matter again.
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Penn took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of being in his seat. The gentle give of the gas and brake pedals felt right, like everything in the world was in its proper place. The previous night, they'd gone ahead and scouted out a nice parking spot facing to the East, and that foresight was paying off in spades.
The sunrise seemed to be setting the sky ablaze as it rose over the landscape. That crimson light was glistening and glittering over the fresh snow like a sea of diamonds.
"Aaaaah..." He took a moment to stretch in his seat. There was barely enough room for him to do so, but it was another chance to push back on the pedals and feel the familiar resistance they gave.
Off in the corner of his vision, he could see the spot where their campfire had melted the snow for a small radius, and a small pillar of cloudy warm air coming from inside the girls' tent. In his mind's eye, he could imagine the peaceful looks on Missy and Sunset's faces as they silently dozed. As the weather had gotten colder and colder, both of them had begun taking their time leaving the tent in the morning, which meant he could take his time with putting together breakfast. Even Isis was "asleep," having temporarily shut down most of her systems for the night while Noir wrapped up his repairs.
Maybe Missy will forget my morning workout... exercising in the cold makes my asthma flare up.
Beautiful sights, the comfort of safety, and everyone, including Isis, was safe and sound. As much as he didn't like where they were headed, nothing could spoil a morning like this one.
"You know, you DO need to get back to your regular exercise. Missy's got a good head on her shoulders."
Penn rolled his eyes. "You know, the fact you're always there when I wake up is both reassuring and creepy."
"Never gonna leave you, no matter how many times you ignore my good advice."
"Right, like abandoning them? GREAT advice..."
"Missy would be FINE. YOU will not be if we go back to Remnant!"
"Hey, remember that time you convinced me to go through a portal on my own and we were both nearly erased from existence?"
"Would you STOP holding that over me? It was ONE mistake! I didn't exactly have a good time, either!"
"At least you don't have a demon whispering in your head at all times, now..." Penn grumbled. "I can barely get through a paragraph without it trying to convince me to rewrite reality..."
"Well, lucky thing you're determined enough to hold it at bay!"
"Or, you know, it could just be presence of the literal angel and the girl who can physically manifest the magic of friendship that I hang around."
"You give Shimmer too much credit."
"You don't give her enough."
The two of them sat in silence for a few moments.
"Now that I know whom you're speaking to, your talking to yourself is much less entertaining..."
Even with the car's engine running and the heater blowing at full blast, Penn's blood turned to ice.
He tried to bolt for the door, but red tendrils sprung out from behind the seat and snaked their way around his arm, stopping him with the handle just a centimeter out of reach. His head was spinning and the edges of his vision were growing dark as he struggled to close that last gap.
"Now, now... Leaving so soon would be rude, Penn."
Penn's entire body was yanked back hard against the seat, with more barbed tendrils wrapping around his arms, legs, and throat.
"SU- HRRKRK!" Penn's cry for help was cut off by the tendril wrapping around his throat constricting until it had nearly crushed his windpipe. The only sound that could escape was a soft hiss of whistling air.
"Be calm..." Salem's voice hummed. "I'm not here to kill you... yet."
"Wh..."
"I wanted to speak to you, not WITH you. I do not need your voice. I will TAKE it from you should you attempt to use it."
Penn clamped his mouth shut, obeying out of sheer survival instinct.
"Now then, let me get to the point. I've... caught up. In more than one sense of the word." The calmness in Salem's voice only made his panic rise to new heights. The world was growing black from his bare-knuckled grip on consciousness and blurry from the tears in his eyes. "I've known where you are at every turn, every step you've taken since I began to hunt you. Against my better judgement, I even familiarized myself with how you came to know my world. Every. Single. Episode. I know what you THINK you know, and I am going to tell you that you are wrong. What you have seen is only the barest sliver of my abilities, boy. You cannot win. You WILL NOT win."
Penn couldn't hear anything but her calm, velvety voice and the pounding of his heart as it threatened to explode in his chest.
"You must be wondering why I don't kill you now. I have you, after all. My Seer can easily put a barb through your heart or into the base of your skull. I've seen your brain from the inside out, and right now, I could see it from the outside in..." Salem hummed in a pretentious facade of pondering. "But I think not yet. I want you to know how FUTILE what you're doing is, how pointless the breakneck pace you've been forcing yourself to run has been. World after world, you have learned and grown stronger, gathered allies and destroyed monsters, and yet you are still nothing before me. Of course, as fools always say in the face of the inevitable, 'Hope Shines Eternal.' So... Gather all your might. Gather your family, your friends, your machines, your spirits, and your demons. In one night, I will grind it all to dust before your very eyes." She chuckled to herself. "And when your mind and soul are both lost to despair, when you beg for death rather than exist as a monument to your own failure... that is when I will grind your bones to dust and bury your mangled corpse in the foundation of my new empire." One of the tendrils snaked around and dragged its pointed tip down the side of his cheek. "Only when my mercy and my delight are one and the same will you be released from your torment."
The tendril around his neck tightened until the darkness finally overtook his vision, and his head was swimming too violently to tell up from down.
"I will see you very, VERY soon."
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"Wow... isn't he usually the first one up?" Missy asked.
"Eh, let him sleep. We all know he needs it." Sunset breathed into her hands to warm them up before clapping them together. "If we can pack up camp before he wakes up, then we can get straight on the road and he won't have to lift a finger!"
"There is something concerning me. Did either of you experience any strange phenomena at approximately 6:58 AM this morning?"Both of them glanced over to Isis, who had poked her drone's head out of the tent.
"I'm pretty sure we were both still asleep, Isis. Why do you ask?" Sunset tried not to get distracted by how adorable it was to see the little metal dragon "waking up."
"While reviewing data logs from my temporary shutdown, I noticed a significant spike in Penn's biometric readings, consistent with a severe panic attack."Sunset and Missy both glanced through the window of the car again. "Poor guy must have been having a nightmare..." Missy whispered. "But he seems to be okay now, right, Isis?"
"Affirmative, all readings have returned to normal levels.""I wish we could do something to help those stop... Isis, have you managed to put together a new inky prescription for him?"
"Negative. As I expressed before, I would prefer a biopsy of his nervous tissue or cerebrospinal fluid from which I could derive detailed data on his new brain chemistry. Fabrication lines are not yet at the capacity to produce a custom drone with the appropriate medical tools. Also, the apparent absorption of consumed ink straight into his bodily structure requires further study. An ink-based solution may not be as functional as other delivery methods.""And getting any of THAT is gonna require a sterile medical environment, maybe even a laboratory setting..." Sunset murmured. After a few more moments of consideration, she resigned herself to the fact that she still couldn't do anything but provide more support. It felt lousy to admit it, but... there wasn't much she could do for that without a medical degree. "At least he managed to get back to sleep! We'll let him catch up on his forty winks for now." She nodded back towards the tent. "Come on. The sooner we get packed up, the sooner we can hop into the warm car along with him!"
Missy snapped to a stiff salute. "Ma'am, yes, ma'am!"
Sunset peered in through the windshield, examining the dashboard for any sign of her favorite toy.
"Missy... have you seen my Rubik's Cube? I can't find it anywhere!"
"I think I saw Penn with it right as it started snowing!" Missy called back.
Sunset took a moment to stare out into the frozen landscape. The frozen, white, perfectly uniform landscape with no bumps or disturbed patches to reveal where a certain 3D puzzle may have landed after being thrown out of a car window in a fit of frustration.
"Man... next time I get one, I'm hiding it from him."
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"Huh... Weird."
Salem glanced in Torchwick's direction. The thief immediately raised his hands to surrender.
"Sorry, sorry! I just didn't think you were the type to slip into gloating early." Roman shrugged. "I don't make a policy of counting my chickens before they hatch, and you're the one who always says not to underestimate that boy. I don't get why you'd warn him we were coming."
"Torchwick... How much do you know about chess?" Salem COULD have simply intimidated him, or punished him for his insolence, but... taking the opportunity to teach him would not only inspire more consistent loyalty, it would make him a better servant in the future. "Why it is the perfect game for the long-term strategist?"
"Was always more of a poker man, myself."
Salem raised an eyebrow, indicating that he had forgotten something.
"Uh, more of a poker man, myself, ma'am."
He had recognized his mistake in an appropriate amount of time and corrected it.
"In chess, both sides of the board are forced into complete transparency. Every bit of pertinent information is available to both players. To win, one must play both sides at once. Good players think five moves ahead. Great players think as many as ten or even fifteen, as far as their minds can stretch to contain the possibilities. Experts, professionals, think only as far ahead as they need to, often as few as three or four turns." Salem toyed with a piece of black glass in the shape of a queen piece, running it back and forth along her fingers. "I have seen how the boy plays chess, and I have it on the best authority that he is a POOR player. He is the greatest poor player of chess I've ever had the opportunity to play against." Salem tossed the piece with a flick of her finger and let it land in the palm of her other hand before she placed it back in her pocket. "Or perhaps I should say that he is the poorest GREAT player I've ever seen. Either way, he is no professional."
The other two exchanged glances for a moment. Torchwick still seemed confused, but there was a glimmer of understanding in Neopolitan's eyes as she settled on a wide grin. This plan did seem like the type to feed her wide sadistic streak.
"Let me make things clearer for you, Roman." She sighed and pressed her fingertips together in front of her face. "He has NEVER seen this as chess. His preferred game is one of traps, secrets, and the occasional bluff. By giving him both sides of the board, we push him into OUR game... and he stops playing like an expert at his game, and like a great player at ours."
THAT was when the flicker of recognition came into Torchwick's face. Finally...
"Wow. That's a delightful way to use his strengths against him! Once again, I wish I carried a notepad so I could jot these things down!" Roman began patting at his pockets. He was being facetious, but he HAD managed to catch up to her planning eventually, so she would allow it. "I don't suppose you have a similar plan for Shimmer or her little angel friend, do you?"
Salem smiled to herself. "I told you that I would leave the two of them to you, and I meant it. However... I suspect that watching their teammate tear himself to pieces will be torture enough."
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I Khan't believe you went there. At least we can Chekov that joke.
Yet you still make the typical supervillain mistake, Salem. You could have killed Penn so many times before; but you need to gloat, taunt and make him suffer in order to soothe your bruised ego even if that means giving your victim time to pull the proverbial miracle. Your cruelty and pettines always get the best of you.
You still fail to understand the game here... So you've mastered one aspect of what is comparable to Cranko? It does you no good if you're remedial in the others...
10724717
To paraphrase: If you find yourself at the wrong end of a gun, hope to God it's being held by an evil man.
In other words, Salem has pulled the classical trick of telling someone that you're going to get them, and then not actually doing anything.
Salem has no plan but to watch as Penn drives himself mad trying to divine a plan that does not exist. The only way out of it is to ignore her goad, but Penn can't do that any more than he can stop the tides.
It's honestly brilliant.
10724842
Indeed. Still, chances she reinforces the process with some gaslighting courtesy of Neo.
10724850
Well sure, the illusory gaslighting is practically obligatory.
I seriously think there are a few variables about Penn that Salem is not taking into account
I can only imagine Penn eventually saying to Salem; "That's the thing about assuming we've been playing chess, we've actually been playing Calvin-ball!"
i.imgur.com/PjP3UP2.gif
Careful what you wish for, Salem. Specially against a team specialized in weaponizing friendship.
10725200
An Ultimate Showdown reference? Nice :)
...
I’m kinda of “split” on this chapter... it kind of confusing in regards to what things are you setting up...
In one hand, just like many have pointed out in the comments, Salem seems to secure of herself and her plan. She’s even using the chess analogy, even though the time she used it, it ended up giving Penn a chance to scape and turn her castle into a crater in the proses.
Then again, as others have also point out, her plan of not have a plan and basically taunt Penn into doing something drastic (arguably the same thing he did to defeat her) and probably go insane in the process. Is also a very good and malefic plan, as basically abuses Penn’s Big-Brother-Syndrome/Complex”.
And that’s what I’m split on, both interpretations are valid, so maybe is a mix of both... or none...
However the case might be, I’m very intrigued, although, arguably more than before. This is first time the gang has returned to a world, one that they never actually finished helping, just put on pause, but also the one were they arguably made more mistakes.
Sunset refusal to know more alone about the world and it’s future is arguably the worse mistake committed by any character in the fic (both good guys characters and bad guy characters), Penn ended up getting capture and basically mind-rape, Missy despite having an army of spirits failed to stop the bad guys plan and got herself captured too, and ISIS have to basically become public enemy number one to avoid a war...
Yeah this is quite the mess to clean but also exploit. It doesn’t help that the gangs actions in this world changed a lot of how RWBY story was supposed to go (main character dying and all that), and be has to wonder how that world of going to retaliate (been at the end of that kind of whiplash doesn’t does not sound very good).
Well, what ever might end up happening (which knowing the fic and how previously arcs ended, like the Undertale one for example, is probably going to be a “good ending”, a “last minute safe” that no one saw coming and that is extremely taxing for the crew but in particular Penn), I can only say that I’m hyped :D
Like always, you do an amazing work keeping the tension up! I can understate this, but like I have written before, this is currently my favourite fic for a reason, and that’s how good you are at keeping me at the edge of my chair and constantly making my mind go all crazy trying to predict what is going to happen next
"When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die."
...LAUGH. LAUGH AT MY CLEVER AND ORIGINAL COMMENT.
My question: Did You/Penn make it through part 2 as well, or did you stop when Roger and Mimi leave for I Should Tell You?
10725957
He skipped straight to Part B and ignored I Should Tell You.
10725978
Follow-up, did he also ignore "Excuse me,... you, Baggage" and the AZT break? And does he do the Table's order and the Impromptu Salon?
Yes, another update!
Love me some Weird Al!
Seer Grimm! 😱
Salem's going to take him out like Professor Lionheart!
Interesting Salem makes her reappearance just as Penn and Sunset and co make their way to Remnant. Is she even aware of Baalchion and Chirac? Well this certainly makes their situation a lot more complicated. Quite a bit of setup as they take their sweet time getting back to Remnant.
It didn't seem all that clear before but apparently now it appears Penn is consuming ink.
It seems also that the Ink Demon might still has a presence within him, though being kept at bay.
It's just awful Sunset and Missy have no idea Penn was being threatened by Salem and her Seer Grim.
Well, looking forward to the next installment where I hope they finally get to Remnant. I still got to catch up with Volume 8 anyway. Keep up the great work.
I have caught up and am now sad. I eagerly await the next chapter.
Ok i know nothing about RWBY, but is there actually no way to kill Salem? Like I know she’s immortal and everything, but it always seems like all the immortal people have some type of weakness.
10752426
Yeah, she's truly unkillable as far as we know so far. There was a whole subplot for a while about the characters losing their will to fight because they found out their enemy was immortal.
Basically, the gods who cursed her said "Until you can appreciate the value of letting things die, you won't be able to. As long as this world turns, you shall walk its face."
And Salem's gone full sociopath after a few millenia, meaning she really can't learn the lesson she was meant to at a psychological level, nor would she listen to anyone who tried to teach her.
10752564
But there are fates worse than death or Walking the Earth for such individuals...
I wonder if there could be a cunning plot to make Salem understand the lesson enough to fulfill the terms and for her immortality to be forfeit.
10752564
Plenty of other ways to do so as well, within pop culture and other forms of media, along of folklore and mythologies from around the globe there are many types of weapons that have been shown to be capable of killing immortals no matter how powerful they claim to be, the first ones that come to mind are Harpe, Gáe Bulg, and Kaladanda.