Everypony's Gay for Cake

by aaaa_aaaa

Just Deserts

Oh no. I double check the newspaper - maybe I misinterpreted the photo? Nope. That’s definitely Celestia. And she’s definitely eating cake. Oh no. She loves cake. And that means she doesn’t love me!

I glare at the newspaper with the intensity of Celestia’s glorious sun. The newspaper doesn’t catch on fire.

“Uhh, Twilight, is there something wrong? You look kinda odd,” Spike says.

“There’s nothing wrong! It’s just that somepony doesn’t love somepony that loves them dearly in spite of everything that that somepony has done for them!” I say, tearing the newspaper up with every emphasized word.

“Rarity doesn’t love me?” asks Spike.

“No, she’s only using you for gem hunting and she actually thinks you’re annoying, but that’s not relevant, BECAUSE CELESTIA LOVES CAKE!” I breathe in and out - after all, I can’t win the Princess’ love without oxygen!

Spike cries and mutters something about Rarity.

“What was that Spike? Oh Spike, I know it’s awful that Celestia doesn’t love me, and I’m glad that you understand me, like a good friend. But don’t worry - I have a plan!”

I run out the door and head towards Sugarcube Corner. I see Pinkie at the counter.

“Oh my gosh! Twilight! The super-smartest-bestest pony in Ponyville! What can your Auntie Pinkie do for you today! Because you look super-duper today, like a chimney cherry changa except more delicious because you’re really sweet and awesome-”

I stick a hoof in her mouth. She licks it.

“Eww! Pinkie! I need you to bake a cake!” I yell, removing my hoof. Pinkie leans over the counter.

“What kind of cake,” she asks, fluttering her eyebrows, “vanilla cake, coconut cake, or strawberry cake? Because I bet you would really love the strawberry cake - it’s delicious and full of sugar and Pinkie! And then we’ll be bestest friends forever like me and Dashie except you won't run off and make me cry and then my heart wouldn’t be broken so I wouldn’t move onto the next most popular ship for me!”

Is it just me or is she acting more like Pinkie than usual? Agh, don’t have time for that when I have a minor deity to seduce!

“Angel Fly cake - and I need you to bake me in it!” I say. Pinkie hops towards the refrigerator.

“I have just the cake for you!” She grabs a mouth-watering, pony-sized cake out of the fridge, pulls out a ladder and lifts up the top.

“Perfect! And then you need to send it to Celestia so she will love me forever and ever,” I say.

Pinkie’s mane deflates. She frowns for a second, shakes her head, and returns to her normal self. “Okie dokie, artichokie, anything for you, Twilight.”

I climb into the cake and she closes the lid. I feel the cake move. “Uhh, Pinkie... Just how exactly are you going to send me to Celestia?”

“Oh that’s simple silly - I’ll just use my PARTY CANNON!”

Oh horseapples. I hear a bang and then the cake is flying.

“AAAAHHHHHH!” I scream as I descend towards the ground. The cake hits the ground and I’m covered in frosting.

Great. Just great. Hopefully Celestia finds me.

“Oh look! A cake! How convenient,” I hear, “good thing Celly isn’t here to eat it!”

Oh no! Luna!

“This cake is most scrumptious and we thank our subjects for providing it to us instead of it being from another one of Celestia’s lovers,” Luna says, giggling.

“Ahem,” says a new, beautiful voice - Celestia! I sigh, enjoying every second of Princess Celestia’s voice. “I believe that is my cake!”

“Not any longer,” Luna says, “For we are... NIGHTMARE MOONPIE! THIS CAKE WILL BE OURS!”

My cake shakes at her voice and I feel the room grow colder by about 10.2 degrees Celsius. I hear someone trot into the room. “Princess Celestia! Discord is free again! You and Luna need too...”

I hear Celestia sigh and say “Hey Shining Armor, while you’re here, can you get the Elements for me? Luna needs a timeout.”

Looks like another one of these Tuesdays.

“No! Behold, THE ECLIPSE!” Moonpie screams. A shock wave travels through my cake, splashing frosting on my face. Seconds later, cold rushes through my body, as if the Sun itself was blocked off from Equestria. I hear another shock wave and the whistle of something descending.

“Shining Armor - NOW!” yells Celestia. I feel my brother’s shield pass through the cake and expand; I hear a twack as something hits the shield and Nightmare Moonpie screams.

“Whew,” says the most beautiful mare in the world,”I’m glad that’s over - I mean seriously, can’t a ruler just enjoy some cake without someone attempting a revolution?”

“Shining Armor, wait outside - I have royal business to attend to.” I hear Shining trot out of the room.

“And for you,” she says in a low voice, “I’ve been waiting all day for a delicious cake like yourself! Oh? You want to know who I am? I’m Celestia, ruler of Equestria, owner of the sun. I like long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners under the full moon. Glad to meet you! And you look absolutely delicious today!”

Celestia chuckles. “Not to say that you don’t look delicious every day. Mmm...”

A side of the cake presses on me - finally, Celestia will be mine! “Oh wait, where are my manners?” she asks. Or not.

A cake knife taps my shoulder. “Ow!” I jump out.

“Twilight?” Celestia asks. And the jig is up! Next stop, the moon!

“Umm... Surprise?” I say, blushing.

“What are you doing here?”

I hesitate.

“Long story short,” I say, pausing in what might be the last moments of my life, ”I love you.”

She stares at me for a second and leans over and kisses me.

“Oh Twilight, I love you too! You see, you’re so sweet that I could never imagine you loving me - so I projected my love for you onto cake!”

WHAT?

I stare at her, stunned, my mind scrambled like the unreality outside of the room.

“Well I’m glad that nothing can get between us now,” she says.

“Celestia, I can’t keep the shield up against Discord, Chrysalis AND Nightmare Moonpie! Do something!” my brother yells from the next room. I hear the shield shatter and the cries of the Royal Guard as the enemy runs through the castle.

“Just one last question - how did you get over here?” my true love asks, interrupting my thoughts.

She waits for a response.“Twilight?”

I snap back to reality. “That’s simple - I had Pinkie launch me out of a cannon.”

“But how did you manage to land here?”

“Oh, I’m just aerodynamic like that - I fly through the air pretty well. One might even say that I’m...” Discord hands me some sunglasses. He summons a guitar and starts playing.

I put the sunglasses on. “Pretty fly for a Twilight.”

“YEAAAAA!!!” a white pegasus with small wings screams.

Comments

[lolcatsmanseven]

I lol'd pretty hard.
But, I will kill Dash for breaking Pinkie's heart!

[Bandy]

I don't know... I'm pretty gay without cake.

[Fly by Night]

Sweet Celestia's socks! I'd upvote this on nothing more than the title and description.

[Rust]

The lulz are strong with this one.

[The Sentient Cloud]

What is this... I don't even...

That... Well, the plot details int he background are clearly just for ludicrousness, and I'll assume that the rushed ACTUAL story of this is simply designed that way.

[Gypsy]

Cakes name is Bridget

[aaaa_aaaa]

988421

Pretty much - I had writer's block working on the plot of my serious story, so I decided to relax a bit and write one of the comedy fic ideas I had.

The present tense writing also makes it flow faster and I don't have to worry about the loss of historical immersion.

988344

Now that Discord is free, Pinkamena can take care of Dash herself.

[TheDanishGuy]

I was laughing my ass off most of the while.

At the end, the military guy from that Monty Python rightfully popped into my head yelling: "Stop that. That's VERY silly!".

Whereupon I stuffed a cake in his face and asked him to go away.

~ TDG

[Dark Lightning]

988344:
....I wouldn't kill her.
:D

[chasethebrony]

mfw:
stustake.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Barney-Stinson-Thumbs-up-GIF.gif

[Adaptive]

Lulz, lulz all around! That was pretty funny I'll admit. You sir (or miss) have earned a like.

[xTSGx]

Oh God! It's gonna be pseudo-vore, isn't it?
*reads*
Yay it's a crackfic instead!

[hyourei]

Just what I needed during my midnight laundry run! Great stuff!

[Kate_Bit]

o.o the buck did I just read

[Blue_Paladin42]

s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/137/573/I%27m%20a%20filly%20and%20what%20the%20fuck%20is%20this%202.png?1308603312

[aaaa_aaaa]

989097

989074

i.imgur.com/BBxEA.png

[Blue_Paladin42]

989136

[Kate_Bit]

989136 Well as long as you have no clue either

[azednew]

989136 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

[Adam Jensen]

Well done! have a like!

Now, back to "everypony is gay for spitfire"

[nyiff]

Darn, I thought it would be twilight turning into a real cake and celestia eats her

Oh well, you still get a fav and like from me!
P.S. DASHIE IMMA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that's for saddening Pinkie Pie!
RD: Now to go break Shy's heart!
Me: OH NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!! *I get there first and tell Shy*
Shy: Good thing I read fanfictions! *Grabs a chainsaw and waits*
Me: O.O I have to go puke and start cooling myself in a nice cold bath now.... I CAN'T STAND SHED.MOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ombranox]

Absurdism... is not relevant to my interests, it seems.

[user12345678]

What is this
I cant even
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/322/431/fcc.gif

[YorkBrony]

Dat feel when you eat cake while reading this

[fluttershy<3_66]

988347i agree with you on that one

[khatre]

If Pinky wrote Twilestia fanfics it would be THIS!
Awesome is not a strong enough word to contain its awesomeness!

[Carpetbagger]

I think I lost it at Nightmare Moonpie, best name ever.

[lightenupmyday]

PRETTY FLY FOR A TWILIGHT!.......Omg why am I laughing so hard!?

[that decepticon pony]

992723
At first I was like
Then I read khatre's comment.
Then I was like

[Ravenmane]

img17.imageshack.us/img17/5552/00001byspeccysyd4qscf21.gif

[Hurgusburgus]

[asmcint]

Found this with a random search for cake... It is pure awesomeness. Have a Pinkie Pie eating... something.

iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/16088__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_eating.gif?1342432774

[AppleJackAdmirer]

990415
I thought that too!.