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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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If this is a Displaced fic, you should put the crossover tag.
8987279
thank you, fixed it.
First thing Alucard tries to do: shoot Shade full of bullets. Should Shade show recoil to being hit, Alucard proceeds to shoot Shade in the head every time he tries to speak.
Second thing Alucard should do: look at his surroundings. And then proceed to head in the opposite direction of what Shade tells him to go.
First thing Alucard should do come nightfall: go for a walk. An enthusiastic walk.
Alucard should search for Millennium. So he can KILL THEM AGAIN!!
This is your seventh story. I won't allow even the smallest flaw to pass.
This comment will be critiquing the story, pointing out any flaws in grammar, structure, characterization, etc.. I'll start to the cover, move to the first chapter, and then round it off with any final tips and criticisms. I may be harsh, but I can assure you, I will be fair. I'm not a fan of displaced, but I'll try to keep that at the end. Let's begin.
Cover
The title: Blood shadow.
It's a bit much for a name. Very edgy, very "crawling in my skin", very boring. Try thinking of a new name.
Tags?
Sex - Combined with the mature tag... Yaaay, clop.
Gore - Combined with the mature tag, I better be seeing the blood drip off my computer screen. If I don't, it's not needed.
Profanity - Five bucks says this is gonna be used for pointless cursing that adds nothing to the story.
Anthro - So the MC can have sex with a humanoid shape.
AU - Ah, a reason to say "I can ignore canon". Gotcha
Only character tag is Mane 6, no OC or Self Insert tag. Add the latter, I'd put money on it being self insert.
Description
A pleasure. Now capitalize the beginning of your sentence. Don't fall face down on the very first letter. Also, don't speak to me. It takes a skilled author to do it correctly, and you don't.
Shade? Not Shadow? Perhaps add a darksbane? Just Shade? Alright, not original for a name, he could have just picked another human name, like Shaun or Jake, but, sure, Shade.
D... Do you know how to capitalize? You kinda have to do it. This is your seventh story. C'mon.
Thanks for the info dump.
One of the most overused and pointless tropes ever.
yawn
Oh, sorry, should we care? You've yet to give us a reason or a hook to bring us into the story, so why should I care about this guy?
Cap. It. Al. Ize.
This makes your character sound like a preteen who still uses slang thinking it's cool. It makes him immature.
Get this out of here. Paranthesis don't belong within stories. It takes a great deal of skill to use it. You don't have that. This is a bad use of them.
Rated what? Most people say "Rated M for Sexual Content", but your tags already told us that. There's no point to this.
Oh? Then I might suggest a rewrite, but that's just me.
Suicide. Please, comment section, pick suicide. End another HiE Displaced hereahem
Sorry. I slipped. This isn't a bad idea, though I don't trust comment sections enough to guide a story.
Why is there an ellipses at the end? There's no point to it. Why did you put it there?
Overall, description is rather boring, has no hook, doesn't tell us the plot, and strikes me as one of the dime-a-dozen HiE Displaced there are, this time with an even more murder hobo character leading the charge. Oh well, let's see the actual story and see if it can redeem you.
Story
Prologue
Why not describe it? The dark void, the empty space, the horror of being unable to move your body. Being trapped, unheard, silent, but you must scream.
Padding. Heavy, heavy padding. You can remove this and nothing would change other than a curse word.
You guess? Does he know or not? If he's just guessing, that's a large jump in logic. It's like me reading a comment section where someone says "Stupid", and immediately think "They're talking about me!" If he does know that's his name, why is he hesitating and questioning it?
Yeah, add that self insert tag. The character knows he's displaced, the terminology, and knows exactly how it should work. This is boring. Try again.
I reiterate my point for his name and huge leaps in logic. The fact his first thought is "I was displaced!" shows mental instability and a lack of logic. A normal, rational human being would think "I was drugged, who the hell kidnapped me?" not "Magical space merchant wizard granted my life-long wish!"
Vague "task", and don't use ellipses. You use them far too often, it makes you look amateurish at best and lazy at worst. If a pause is important, draw attention to it by doing:
"No," he paused, pursing his lips. "We shall explain that later."
See how it drives more emphasis into it and makes it an important action?
Truly your description amazes me, for it's lack of description. Break this sentence into two, and elaborate. Obstacle course? What type? Army style or more akin to a playground? What color? How large? Anything else? No? Describe, otherwise we'll never know.
"I woke up in a random area, with no idea of what I'm doing here, and there's an obstacle course over there. Might as well run it!"
It's a big assumption, and unless this character is also one of the most confident beings in the universe... you know what, I'm not gonna question this. It progresses the plot in a sloppy way.
Double space. Iron those out, people, I'm tired of seeing them.
Also, was there a point to make him gung-ho to obey his kidnappers? The same could have been accomplished by him meandering over and being stopped.
Wow. This is a loooong sentence with multiple sentences within it. Break it up! Vary you sentence length! Make it flow better.
You need to learn which description to focus on and which not to. "black claws of darkness" means nothing. Let me try.
"I looked at where my hands should be, finding instead inky black claws. They leaked a dark fluid that evaporated when it touched light. I tentatively tried closing my hands and the claws obeyed."
Ah, yes, getting kicked to the floor gets him to realize the situation, not waking up in the middle of nowhere after going to a con and probably getting drugged.
Why did the main character say this? You haven't shown us this, you've said he has black claws only. If you wanted to show us and not tell us he's a shadow, show us his body. Have it burn away in the light of the pole. Literally SHOW US he's a shadow. Describe it!
No it's not. Authors never explain it until the 3rd act and in an exposition dump. The story never reaches that far.
Kidnapped, far from home, never going to see my family again, likely gonna die... a few deep breaths, and he's fine.
Why would he expect this? Did he assume he would be kidnapped by the merchant? If so, why did he want to leave Earth behind so badly? Everyone wants adventure, but few actually set out to the wilds for glory. Why did he leave? Will we ever know?
SHOW US THIS! Dear god, you flopped hard! You could show us him growing and shrinking, show us his powers in this obstacle course. You set it up to show us, and it would have worked well, but you flopped in the execution.
Good, that's how you do it correctly. Now go back and do that in the beginning.
There's no point for them to stay silent about it. He's eating and not exercising. His attention could be split between eating and learning about what his task is. There's literally no point to keeping him in the dark.
Don't put ellipses at the beginning. Make a note that he waited for a few seconds.
Also, you were kidnapped. Of course it's going to be horrible. Displaced isn't a dream, it's a nightmare.
That was fast. Literally one day... I'll touch on this later.
So the standard HiE Displaced protagonist?
I see no reason why he realizes it. Unless he's genre-savvy, which you've yet to prove, the description you provided fits any number of bad OC's and characters people have sent to Equestria.
....
....
....
You started with a weather report, 3/4th of the way into the story. I don't know whether this was done in parody, which would be brilliant, or in truly spectacular failure. For now, I'm going to go with the latter, as this doesn't seem to be a parody.
Yay! Character description in a massive info dump! This is the most lazy way to do it. Also the worst way to do it. Spread out his description over a scene or multiple chapters, and it'd work better.
Run on speaking sentence... and it's meh? Nothing horrible here, and why did he say Jimminy Cricket? Am I missing a reference here?
grabs ruler
Ending Comments
This is substandard, typical, boring displaced HiE. It'll likely reach a high Like:Dislike ratio, as these have a lower bar of adequacy. Let me tell you why Displaced are problems. Go Down past the three aspect paragraphs to skip my complaints.
Displaced promotes lazy writing in three aspects.
1) Power Levels
Most displaced pick some god level character or very powerful protagonist to gain the powers of. Goku, Vegeta, Alucard, a literal God, etc.. The problem is they haven't earned these powers. The human just "got it". That's not entertaining, it's not good story telling. People enjoy reading struggle, they enjoy reading the character claw their way from weakness to power. Starting them at unlimited power is boring. It removes any struggle and destroyed the conflict, as they are destined to succeed.
2) Character
Next problem, the character. You've avoided it here, but in general, if you give a character a different personality, they haven't learned anything nor will they add anything to the character. If I gave Goku a regular human's mind, I've removed his character, making it an OC with this powers. Goku is more than his powers, though some animes rarely develop their MC's character beyond "he strong". It's boring, it removes character, and the human will inevitably be worse.
3) Laziness
Create your own powers, man. Have some creativity with it. Don't just steal other people's ideas and use them as your own. Displaced rips off itself in every third way. The merchant, the enemies, the cause, the storyline, and the inevitable romance (nine times out of ten being Harems). It's lazy. Have some creativity.
For your story, at this point, you lack a story other than "he's here now." There's no plot, no conflict, no character, not even a hint of a bad guy... This chapter literally accomplished nothing but setting up the plot, which is good for a prologue, but this isn't a prologue. It's a chapter 1. You need a reason for readers to do said reading. Give us something.
Overall, not the worst displaced I've read, you at least can do dialogue grammar well enough and made an attempt at description, but still subpar. I'd give his a D, maybe a D+ if you expanded on the description.
8987575
I'm currently re-writing Prologue Chapter now using your comments, both words are capitalized, I can't think of a better name, I'm open to suggestions for a better name that fits with the idea of the story.
I will comment further as I reach other points.
8987575
Just because those two tags are combined does not mean that a story is guaranteed to have clop.
8987753
If it doesn't, the sex tag isn't required. According to tagging information, if you have a mature story, it can have sexual themes and imagery, as well as minor sensations, but no outright explicit sexual scenes. Adding the sex tag to a mature story says "There will be sex scene" a la clop.
8987775
really? the Sex tag doesn't appear unless you use the M rating, same with Gore so I just assumed the Gore and Sex tags were just to be more specific about what kind of content you're rating.
8987783
I'll quote it.
And, specifically for the sex tag...
Straight quotes. If you use sex and mature tags, you're writing clop. If you're not writing clop, you don't need the sex tag.
8987775
I think you meant for the first "mature story" in your response to be "teen story". And I like to think you can have both the sec and gore tags on a mature story, but only have one of them be at the level requiring the rating. Nothing says that a mature story with both tags has to have clop.
Edit: just saw your last comment. I never saw that second passage when I read the tagging rules. My bad
8987783
You can have the sex tag on teen stories.
8987796
okay, fixed that and rewrote the chapter, cleaned up a bit... and finally the Gore Tag.
look me in the eye and honestly tell me that anything involving Hellsing Ultimate, Abridged or otherwise, has no blood in it, I fucking dare you.
8987796
oh! right! should mention three more things:
1. Jiminy Cricket is from the Disney Film Pinocchio, he acts as Pinocchio's Conscience.
2. I don't do 'edgy' I never attempt to be 'edgy' I attempt to do monsters and darkness and flip the script and make these guys out to be good instead of actual monsters.
3. please don't add massive comments to this fic, it's comment driven and all you're doing is making it hard for me to read them all.
8987812
I don't know, never seen any of them. Didn't enjoy the first look, seemed like a shock value action anime. But, and let me put this simply. You're writing a story, not making an anime. You can leave details out. Let me give an example.
Cupcakes, that one famous fanfic, is correctly tagged as gore. It uses this tag to describe the wripping of flesh from bones, slicing clean off the skin. It uses its words to provoke the feeling of horror, dread, and disgust. The blood practically flows from the page out of the screen and into the viewer's lap. It uses its gore tag to its advantage. It uses it to set the mood and horrify the audience.
Are you gonna do that? Are you gonna use a gore tag well enough to justify it's existence? Are you going to have gore be an important part of the story, describing it in explicit detail? Are you going to show us the organs and brain chunks flying from the enemy as they're murdered? If so, feel free to keep it in. If you're just gonna say "blood splattered the wall" that's not gore. That's the mature rating.
If the gore doesn't provide anything for the story, keep it out. It detracts from the story by including unnecessary details.
8987832
Alright... how about I clarify.
This is ABRIDGED Alucard.
With a Canon Alucard you could maybe, just maybe get away with that.
But with Abridged Alucard? simple descriptions of his slaughter wouldn't do him justice, you do that you don't DESERVE him in your fic.
This is a guy that prefers to be titled as a Fuck-Mothering Vampire for his death-toll.
This is a guy who shot someone through a door 37 times for the sake of a joke.
And finally he is a very carnivorous version of Vampire, as in: Mouth of ALL FANGS, literally tearing peoples' throats out, and at one point he feasted on a pile of bloody viscera from a group of people he killed shortly after saying. "silver lining? I can cancel my room service!"
I think I have stated enough to clarify how well I will be using that tag.
Perhaps you should remove the whole 'comment driven' bit from this story, otherwise you're just preventing yourself from making progress.
9151362
yeah, if you look back to the description, I gave up on the idea.
now I'm just having trouble thinking up what to do next.
9151398
What would your character want to do? Settle down and try to live life? explore equestria? practice powers? figure out how to get home? etc
9151502
well in this situation the main character's goal is simply to keep Alucard out of trouble.
so the real question is what would Alucard want to do?
9153509
review his personality and the previous event, then think of the timeline of mlp.