Awesome chapter, hope to see moar

2139299
Glad you like it, but I'm writing on two other fics and am going to get out the next chapter of my other two stories I have already here, so it will take some time. By the way I'm a bit slow as it is for now. School and stuff. Sorry bout that.

Dragon

4279754
Damn. Now I have to make this story worthwhile.
*cracks knuckles*
Alrighty then. This will be one hell of a ride.

Dragon

4281907
Oh, why thank you.

Dragon

Will this be continued?

4282925
Sure. Just not frequently, but when I can get something out.
Still have some other stories to write and real life interfering here and there, but I'll continue it.

Dragon

4282973
Awesome! :D
Didn't know you responded to my other comment. Completely forgot about it too. I'll be waiting.

4283063
And I hope I won't make you wait too long.

Dragon

4283322
Well, as previously said, don't rush it. Quality > speed, in this case.

Ok. Interesting story idea but I would like to make some recommendations.

-“Hey Colgate, we’re reaching Ponyville soon. I think we should watch out now. It’s dangerous to carry such a creature through the town, hoping that nopony will notice the glow of my horn as I keep it in place. What do you think should we do about that?” Lyra asked with a frown forming on her face.-

This kind of writing is rather ‘clunky’ and very ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’.
Here is an example of what you could do.

---
The mint green unicorn stopped in the middle of the trail as a sudden thought occurred to her.
“Hey Colgate,” said Lyra, gaining her partners attention. “We’ll be in town soon. Don’t you think it might be a bad idea to just carry a weird creature around?” Lyra asked with a frown forming on her face.

Colgate stopped to regard her friend with a single raised eyebrow. She took a moment to consider it before shifting her ‘passenger’ and continuing down the path toward the oncoming town.

Lyra quickly trotted to catch up. “I mean. If we don’t know what it is, chances are nopony else will either. What if somepony panics?” The growing concern showed plainly as her ears folded against her head. “I don’t want our first impression on ponyville to be ‘those mares that caused mass terror’.”
---

You will note that I added a BUNCH of little details to give the reader an idea of what was going on in the scene rather than simply tell them what is going on, or worse have a character 'tell' them. As the pro writers say ‘paint a picture with words’.
I honestly would do quite a few things differently to change the 'flow' of the storyline, but this is YOUR story and you should feel free to tell it however you like, so I will avoid making those recommendations and stick to giving little examples of how you might write things differently.

My biggest recommendation would be to read more fanfics. Not just ANY fanfic, but some of the more popular ones (which generally tend to be well written). You might also consider reading actual published stories to get an idea how the ‘pros’ do it.

Also, read this http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html

There are quite a few other things in this story that nag at me. One of which is the common “it’s injured, lets not treat it” mentality that I find in many fanfics.
A member of any branch of military, law enforcement, or public services would likely react to an injured person (and I consider any of the sapient species in Equestria as ‘people’) by trying to render first aid and immediately bringing them to a medical professional.
They find what they strongly suspect is a ‘person’ in need of medical attention and they just carry its bleeding body to their house, then lay it somewhere to die.
Good going.(sarcasm)
Might as well have left it in the ditch on the side of the road.

Other things to consider.
If he was bleeding that much, why isn’t her coat covered in blood?
Why is there no blood trail? If you have ever had a nosebleed you know you leave little drops of blood behind you if you go anywhere.
Wouldn’t someone notice that?
---
And a bit of help with some other stuff.

“He said it would be a brown house with white windshields on the windows and a roof made of hay, but there is no such building here in town.”

Windshields are on cars (Not a windscreen! ... I don’t care what the british try to tell you). The things on house windows are called “Shutters”.
A roof made of hay is a “Thatch Roof”.

--

Hope this helps.