Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.
One day, the sisters stumbled upon an orphaned colt on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. Although he couldn't remember much of his past besides his name, the two sisters could see and feel the potential coming from him. In the end, Celestia adopted him as her son.
Chapters (3)
Ooooooooo Interesting
Dis Is Going To Be Fun
This story is fantastic please continue with
This was not what I was expecting...it was better. Great job can't wait for more
Yes
Why make Danny an alicorn?
9600979
He's not actually an Alicorn. Phantom is a pegasus. He just looked like one because of the ice horn which soon broke off during the battle.
Love it
When is the next chapter?
Can't wait for more!
Soooo, he can ascend? He already has showed the power to do so.
9674677
Thanks for the support. It's not a true ascension, as shown by the ice horn. Will a true one take place in the future? Possibly. I'm still working on the next chapter.
9675496
Wouldn't the formation of an Ice horn mean he has the potential though? I figured it cracking meant he wasn't quite ready yet.
9675528
In a way, yes.
Well, what have we here. Another writer who tries his/her hand at a Danny Phantom fic. Welcome to the group, and I will keep an eye on this one.
A good story so far, but you could use an editor. I've noticed several mistakes throughout the story so far. Some of which could be easily fixed with some help to point them out to you. Such as, right at the start of the first chapter, when we were introduced to Cloverfield, you start a sentence of with: The Cloverfield paused before speaking again.
There should not be a 'The' at the start there, as Cloverfield is a name, and an individual. Not an object to be referred to in such a manner. (THE crate. THE blowing wind, THE solid wall, THE your name here. (as you can see, the last one doesn't sound right) ). Another thing I noticed, which is an understandable mistake to make. I've done so too. You have characters say everyone, instead of every pony as we know they say in the show. It's a small thing, but something you can't help but notice when you become aware of this.
Either way, keep up the good work, and I'm curious to find out what happens next.
9691797
That's a typo. I think I was going to write, "The maid" before deciding to giver her a name but forgot to remove the "the."
When it comes to the pronouns everypony, everyone, and everycreature, I chose everyone because it's more natural to my standard writing. I didn't think it would pull the reader out of the story, but I will go back and revise that.
Anything else that needs revising?
9692280
There are a few other things I noticed.
In chapter 1, there are a few time skips. The first one says 1 month has passed, only to be followed up by another, which just says time skip. Okay, but how much time has passed exactly? A month, a year, a decade? We can get some idea as we continue reading, but some clarification with this would be useful for the reader. However, seeing how the paragraph following this particular time skip goes in detail about events that follow both shortly after, and how it details scenes fast forwarding through the years, you could just remove this 'Time Skip' because the paragraph itself does this on its own.
On the flip side of things, in chapter 2 you start with: Day 364994 of Celestia's Rule.
I can see how a big number like that could gain a chuckle from the reader, but with so much time passed, we speak about centuries. Or, in this case, almost a thousand years (Yes, I did get a calculator to find out just how much years that number converts into,). But I must add that this is my own personal opinion, and you or others may disagree. Danny Phantom, the show that is, does has its running gags and jokes mixed in with the more serious bits, so this could be the start of your own running gag within this story.
Additionally, scene transitions.
When transitioning between one scene to the next, you may want to use a horizontal rule between the two. That, or make your own artistic buffer with some creative use of your keyboard. Doing this makes it clear that one scene ends, and the next begins.
Example.
other than that, there isn't much else that can't be fixed with some pacing and rudimentary edits.
9692408
In regards to chapter one, I should have been more direct with the passage of time. Sometimes, a horizontal line says enough.
For chapter two, using days was an artistic choice. I wanted to emphasize the amount of time they spent on the moon. For a pair to live on the moon all alone with almost nothing to do most of the time, days feel even longer, excruciatingly long. It's meant to play off the phrase, "I've had a long day," and amplify it.
Thanks for your thoughts. I hope to get Chapter 3 out soon.
I can't wait to see where this story goes. I hope things are going well ob your end.
When are you going to update this story again?
nice, i was not expecting an update. a welcome change
Oooooh that's a twist, that's very twisty.
I'm really enjoying this story and looking forward to the next chapter.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Tracked
10419095
Hopefully in the next week.
nice can't wait for next chapter
https://youtu.be/otfr7er9CIY
Good chapter
Good job you got me hooked
It has returned.
Update?
Anyone know whats going on with the author?
Lovely choice in music a beautiful combination of modern and classic truly soothing to the soul
I wonder if this story will ever continue...
Umm... but he's not an alicorn(at least I dont think so) so doesnt that mean he's not immortal?
Update?