• Member Since 28th Apr, 2018
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

luckyboys121


Just here mainly to comment on and like other peoples stories. Might right a few myself because I love the show and want to give back but I am also lazy so we'll see what happens

Sequels1

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Sunset Shimmer was getting ready for bed like she did every night and was casually wishing that she wanted to be a pony again. It was a thought that crossed her mind from time to time so she hadn't really thought much about it but the next day she discovers that that quick wish had come true. Now she and her friends have to figure out what happened and how to fix it. Meanwhile Sunset is becoming more and more comfortable in her pony body and she starts to wonder should they fix this?

The image was create by rvceric go check them out on DeviantArt

Credit to the idea of this story goes to friend Tyler as he was the one who started talking about the whole Sunset turning back into a pony thing in a serious light while I was making jokes about it. Thanks for helping me write this buddy and I hope you like it.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 28 )

Not bad for a first short story. Overall I enjoyed it, especially that great little joke at the end. The pacing seemed a little fast in places. Mostly it seemed a little fast once everyone showed I think. There are also a few word or spelling errors, nothing having another editing pass wouldn’t fix.

I would love to read that possible anthology you mentioned. Something else really stood out to me. Again I liked the story, but everyone and Sunset’s concerns seem to all revolve around everyone at school and herself but (as chiched as it is) they don’t think of how a world of humans outside of CHS would react to a magic talking pony. :raritywink:

Have a like.

Enjoyable, despite the typos. The one that was glaring was you kept spelling "wate" instead of "wait". Otherwise, great story.

Also, the anthology would be fun.

I wouldn't mind a epilouge about sunset going to school as a pony

8961565
Thanks you so much for your advice I just did another editing pass and hopefully I got all the errors this time. :pinkiehappy: As for the pacing yeah I realize it is a little fast after the other girls show up. It's just that I am now learning that how quick something feels when you are writing it and how quick it feels when you are reading it can very different and I am gonna try and work on that on my later stories. :scootangel: Finally I thought about having them mention how the wider world would react to Sunset but I honestly am not sure how they would because the humane six seem to be using their geode powers all the time in public (Twilight levitating stuff at the beach, or Rainbow running to school with super speed) and no one seems to react. Even when Crystal Prep students came over and saw there wings and stuff they only acted somewhat surprised about it all and ended up accepting it all pretty quickly. I have a couple different ideas for how they might react in the anthology series but honestly I am still unsure :rainbowhuh:

8961632
Thank you for pointing that out. :pinkiehappy: English is not my best subject and with all the words that sound the same but are spelled different I can get confused sometimes. I just finished editing and hopefully I caught all the glaring mistakes like that

OK everyone thank you all for the positive feedback and criticism. :heart: Thanks to you all I have decided that I will definitely make the anthology series. :pinkiehappy: Unfortunately I can not give you any concrete dates about when that will happen but keep an eye on my page and hopefully it will be up soon.

8961840
The way I see it there are two ways to handle it, you can either ground the world in reality and have people react the way you would expect them too in real life or have the world be more cartoony where weird stuff can happen and for the most part people just seem to brush it off as not a big deal. If you ever watched Kim Possible it would be similar to how no one ever seemed to make a big deal of the fact that a High School girl is constantly running off to protect the world from super villains.

8961840
Yeah pacing is definitely one of those things that takes practice to really get the hang of. I surely have issues in my own writing past and present. :twilightblush:

Also yeah it is odd some how they don't get odd looks in the shows. That's something I guess is up to you exactly how you want to handle it.

Thanks to you all I have decided that I will definitely make the anthology series. :pinkiehappy:

Can't wait for the ride to start on that one. :pinkiehappy:

Had fun reading this. Is it wrong that I wish this was canon, because I do.

MJP

nice story, though IMHO the structure is a little off and the pacing wonky, I think it would help to get inside her head a little more, but otherwise nice story

Ok, this is very fun😁

while she was still writing in her journal

No if the my geode did this to me

9062401
Thanks for pointing that out. :pinkiehappy: Just made the corrections

9062494

“OH THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL NOW YOU CAN’T WEAR ANY OF THE OUTFITS I MADE YOU!” said Rarity.

:rainbowlaugh: Yes That’s obviously top priority right now!!

I wasn’t done reading and these are a few others I noticed.

she going to go to school like this,

“If that is the case then maybe Sunset’s geode

and petting them till they feel better…

Can you girls figure this out?”

flowing into our world and nobody knows it,”

nowhere near enough to go back to Equestria and leave my friends,” said Sunset.

this is what makes you happy then of course we are OK with it,” said Sci-Twi. (——

“What do you mean?” asked Fluttershy. (——

way too many to read,

I don’t know why but I kept thinking of this song.

Fluttershy then squeed and with a smile on her face ran up to Sunset and started scratching behind her ears. Sunset was thinking that this actually felt kind of nice when she noticed that her other friends were snickering and then she looked behind her and saw her back leg was kicking like a dogs. She quickly yelled, “I WANT TO BE A HUMAN!” Fluttershy then backed away as Sunset became human again. Sunset then chuckled and looked at her friends before saying, “Maybe there are some bad things about being a pony I hadn’t thought of," before they all started laughing with each other.

I only skipped a small part to read a bit from the middle to figure out if i would like to read the story, I do that sometimes.
However I couldn't stop reading, this was my favourite part and I hoped that joke or scene was a bit bigger.

Interesting one shot here... there is one pervasive issue though. Namely, a very large lack of commas and periods, leading to much of the story being run on sentences. I find it helps to think of the rhythm that's being talked in, placing the commas in the short pauses, and putting periods in the long pauses.
Of course, this would necessitate changing some words to work with the proper pacing, but in this story's case it should be simple to do that while preserving the meaning.

Needs fan art of fluttershy scratching Sunset's ear and her leg thumping XD

9130715
Hay if any of you are willing to make that for me I'd be more than happy to put it in the story. :pinkiehappy:

I think that this story is pretty fun. You've got talent! Keep up the good work. I am curios to know what would happen what would the rest of the city think if they saw Sunset as a pony, trotting around. :ajsmug:

9157404
Thank you very much. If you really want to see how the townspeople will react be sure to check out the sequel "Sunset Shimmer The Pony of Earth"

9157498
I currently reading it and so far it has been great. :pinkiehappy:

9158128
Awesome. :rainbowdetermined2: Glad you like it so far and hope you continue to enjoy it :scootangel:

Sunset was relaxing in her apartment watching TV when she glanced at the clock and decided it was time to get ready for bed. Luckily it was Saturday and she was having a chill day so she hadn’t taken off her pajamas since she woke up in the morning so all she had to do was brush her teeth and then just plop in bed. Once she entered her bathroom she reached for her toothbrush but due to spending all day on the couch she found the task far more draining then it should have been. She decided for the umpteenth time to see if maybe her geode had given her her levitation magic back and tried to lift her toothbrush with her mind instead, only for nothing to happen. She sighed and went back to picking it up with her hands. After that was done she took off her geode sat it on her bedside table and laid down in bed. As she laid there she reached her hand up in the air looking at it and sighing.

Ugghhh... This opening paragraph was incredibly dry, clunky, and full of run-on sentences. My eyes started to glaze over halfway through the second line. Try to break them up into smaller and more varied sentences, and be less tell-y.

Nice to see the Element of Empathy, Starlight, helping out Sunset.

...Oof. There are a lot of things I could say and a lot of corrections I could post. Your number one issue, by far, is with commas. It's almost as if you're allergic to them. There are so many missing commas that grabbing quotes to correct them would be just grabbing the entire story. It definitely made it a lot harder to read since I had to manually break up phrases myself instead of the commas doing it for me.

I just couldn't get in to the story as a result.

So, if Sunset can turn into a pony in the human world, can she turn into a human in the pony world?

I loved reading this!

Caution: Egghead^2 at work

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