• Published 31st May 2018
  • 3,839 Views, 69 Comments

Spike's Substitutes - deadpansnarker



Shortly after getting his wings, Spike decides he doesn't know enough about his own kind, and goes to the Dragon Lands for a little vacation. His absence is keenly felt, which is why Twilight has six unwilling volunteers in mind to fill his role...

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Chapter 3: An Unfriendly Meeting, And Bad Just Got Worse

"So, 'Spikey Sparkle', or whatever your namby-pamby pony friends call you these days, you've finally returned to face your punishment." Garble snarled at who he considered to be his long-term nemesis. "Unless... you have any precious Princesses hiding nearby in disguise, ready to defend you? What should I check for this time? Rocks? Bushes? Or maybe the weirdest, freakiest looking dragon around? Oops, my apologies... I guess that would be you."

"Your insults won't affect me anymore, Garble. Why don't you try instead looking at everything I've accomplished while you've been sitting around here, feeling sorry for yourself?" Spike rolled his eyes as he was treated to the traditionally immature 'greeting' he'd expected from his wannabe rival. "In case you hadn't noticed, I also have wings now. Not that not having any meant I was any less of a dragon, but at least that's one less insult you can throw at..."

"You mean, these puny little nubs?" Garble somehow had the temerity to launch himself forward and grab one of Spike's new additions, and yanked it slightly as if to check its authenticity. "I bet you got one of your pony friends to magic them on, because there's no way a wimp like you could ever grow them in the natural way through puberty. I bet you don't even know what 'The Molt' is, do ya?"

"...A-Actually I do, in fact... you could say I'm an expert on the subject. I went through all the phases: the zits, the bad body odour, the petrification: the works." Spike blew a raspberry to the cackling Garble, neglecting to mention he was clueless on the topic until Smoulder had filled him in. "Anyway, claws off the merchandise! I didn't come here to talk about that or my epic battle with a Roc afterwards, I wanted to tell you to 'beat it', because these are my quarters, and..."

"You... fought a Roc? And won?! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard, Spikey Sparkle! You can't belch, you can't wrestle, about the only thing you do well is belly-flop into lava, and you expect me to believe you defeated one of the biggest creatures in Equestria on your own? Ha ha ha ha!" If it had been Spike's intention to namedrop his momentous victory against the oversized bird of prey to get Garble off his back, it didn't quite have the desired affect. "In fact, I don't even think I've ever seen you breathe fire! Only try to 'make friends' and 'spread happiness' wherever you go. Ugh, how disgusting! Definitely not the dragon way... at least that used to be the case."

"What are you talking about now, Garble? I did have a schedule I wanted to keep while I was here." A sighing Spike went to check his non-existent watch, instantly regretting that he'd even asked the question. Still, he had all week long... plenty of time to get 'in touch with his reptilian self', or whatever the proper psychiatric term was.

"Ever since you stole what was rightfully mine, the Dragon Lands might as well have been invaded and conquered by Ponyville itself!" Garble threw his arms in the air, beginning a rant which looked like it'd been brewing in his head for a while. "We can't steal treasure, torch villages or even swallow up innocents whole now, without their express permission! Instead, we're encouraged to 'share', talk about our 'feelings' and 'forgive' those who've wronged us. I tell you, if I was on the throne rather than that pathetic pretender, I would've declared war on all Equine-kind, day one! Then, we'd see who'd be sleeping in the best bedroom in the palace!"

"For starters..." Spike attempted not to lose his temper and tried communicating in simple terms, as if he was explaining obvious information to a hatchling. "That sounds like a pretty good system Princess Ember has implemented. If it wasn't for everyone treating each other with a bit of respect and kindness once in a while, my friends and I would never have been able to make peace with the Changelings. Maybe other dragons, as selfish as they can be sometimes, could learn a bit from that success. I don't think she's asking you to completely change who you are, just show a bit of consideration for others sometimes. Also, and I don't think you're gonna like me saying this much... but perhaps it's just as well tensions didn't escalate that far between our two species."

"Huh?" Garble was already losing interest in this conversation (he usually preferred to let his 'rock-hard' abs do the talking) but he felt it was his sworn duty to defend his kind from the slurs of this treacherous traitor. "I don't know what you're on about, runt. We'd incinerate those losers within a few hours! They wouldn't stand a chance! After all, we're much bigger, have sharp teeth, can burn anything we want to ashes..."

"...Can we also conjure up enough powerful magic to defeat almighty threats like Tirek and the Storm King, who if not for their help, would have destroyed the entire world, including the Dragon Lands?" Spike irritably reminded Garble of indisputable historical facts. "If just a few ponies could handle those guys on their own, can you imagine what they could do to us, if pushed to defend themselves enough? I think even a blowhard bigot like you could see the futility of such an 'invasion'. Isn't peace so much better, than picking fights you can't win?"

"Y-Yeah, well..." Despite his utter contempt for all things pony-related, Garble had to admit the shrimp had a point. Not that he'd ever say that to his face. "It doesn't matter now, anyway. Because of your unwelcome interference, now things will never be the same again! I wouldn't be surprised if head-butting contests, one of my few joys in life now, were outlawed soon thanks to that ignorant female! I don't care if she is related to the former King... if she was deposed tomorrow by some 'unfortunate' accident, I have a feeling that most all of Dragonkind would hold the biggest party ever!"

"I hope that wasn't a veiled threat against Ember!" Spike growled slightly at the mere hint of one of his best friends being threatened. "Because if it was..."

"Oh, lighten up, Spikey Sparkle! I was only speaking on behalf of a few others, who are sick and tired of having to obey her every command, just because she carries that stupid sceptre around. She better keep a firm claw on that thing, that's all I'm saying. It's the dragon way you know, to rebel against unpopular rulers..." Garble afforded Spike a conspiratorial wink, before abruptly changing the subject. "As for now, I guess it's up to me to be the better dragon and let you keep this room. I wouldn't want to stay in it now, anyway... it absolutely reeks of pony."

"H-Huh?! You mean... you're just going to give it up?" Spike was understandably a bit shell-shocked upon hearing this, expecting as he was Garble to put up much more of a protest.

"Hey, short stuff... get it right! I'm not 'giving it up' at all, and you better not tell anyone else that! I'm just gonna crash with my buddy Blaze at his place instead. It might not have all the mod cons of around here, but at least it doesn't have a couple of scaly sell-outs living inside!" Garble snarled a parting shot at the nonplussed Spike, whilst gradually edging his way towards the cave exit. "Don't think I've forgotten about what you did to me, though. I was the laughing stock of the entire Dragon Lands for months, after you made me hug every other dragon! It took me ages to restore my fearsome reputation, now I'm going to take my revenge... on your face! Ha, ha! Later, Sparky Spikey!"

"H-Hey, you'd still be trapped under a giant boulder now, if it wasn't for me! And, the name is 'Spike'!!" The smaller of the two dragons irately exclaimed as Garble took his leave, but he got no response from the retreating red drake.

"Well, at least he's gone now. But why do I feel so hollow inside?" Spike pondered his feelings as he took his proper place on the bed, wincing at how cold it felt to the touch. "Ooo, now I know I should've taken that extra blanket with me... wait, what am I saying? If I'm going to truly experience what it means to be a dragon, I'm going to have to forego some of my old luxuries, and get used to 'roughing' it a bit."

...And to kick my new routine off, perhaps I could begin with a 'relaxing' lava dip, instead of my usual soothing bubble bath. Spike thought optimistically, as he eyed the molten pool in the corner with a gulp.It's been so long since I had one, but I'm a dragon, right? We're designed to withstand the hottest temperatures! What have I got to worry about? Here goes nothing.

What Spike wasn't aware of however, was the reason why this particular room was so prized, even amongst the other multitudes of 'fancy' caverns that made up the palace interior.

Not only was it the biggest room, with the hardest furniture and in closest proximity to the Dragon Lord, it had an added perk too... which Spike was just about to discover. To his cost.

"AAAARRGH!!" He shrieked, upon jumping snout-first into the specially-heated boiling lagoon, which perhaps even would've melted steel upon impact. "It burns! It burns! It felt like I was in the middle of a volcano! In fact, I probably was! Water, water! I need water!"

And with a distinctly un-dragon like scream, he dashed off outside, trailing smoke all the way (it wasn't coming from his mouth), hoping against hope to find something cool and wet in the midst of one the driest regions in Equestria.

Good luck with that, Spike. Welcome to the Dragon Lands.

We hope you enjoy your stay!

......................................

In the comparably more humid and friendlier climes of Equestria, things weren't quite working out regarding Rainbow Dash's temporary ascension to Twilight's personal assistant.

Or, to put it more bluntly, it'd been a complete disaster.

At least whilst the manic Wonderbolt had been mopping up the flooded interior of Twilight's office and re-marking all of the alicorn's ruined test papers, she'd been kept out of harm's way.

Unfortunately, as soon as those jobs were concluded, she'd returned to her newer role. And eager to make up for her earlier mishaps and provide satisfactory material for her book, she was trying even harder than before... to the noticeable detriment of everypony else.

"Rainbow, I asked you to 'fetch' Fluttershy for me, not carry her all the way here yourself!" Twilight sighed, upon seeing the identity of the dazed pegasus carried bridal-style in her alleged helper's hooves.

"Who gives a flying feather how I did it? She's here now... and that's all that matters!" An eager-to-please Rainbow beamed vibrantly, presenting Fluttershy to the headmare as if she was some kind of special tribute.

"W-What just happened?" Fluttershy stammered, having been abruptly snatched in the middle of a particularly stirring speech on the mating habits of Breezies. "Ooh, I've completely lost my train of thought! I don't think I'll be able to teach for the rest of the day..."

"Ouch! Ow! Oh, why doesn't this school have a nurse?" A few miscellaneous students Rainbow had bowled over in her headlong rush to get there now hobbled into the office too, in serious need of medical treatment.

We never needed one before Rainbow became my assistant... Twilight winced to herself, whilst observing the quickly growing disorder going on around her. It wasn't supposed to be this way! It was meant to be a perfect system, where everypony could ably fill Spike's part until his blessed return at the end of the week. Oh Spike, how I miss you already! If I didn't know how irreplaceable you were before, I certainly do now! I suppose I should try to look on the positive side. Let me check who's next after Rainbow Dash... surely it couldn't get any worse than...

Having a cursory glance at her notes quashed Twilight's optimism immediately, and sent a cold shiver running down her back.

Uh Oh...

Author's Note:

Well, here's the update. I even went back and rewatched a couple of episodes for research purposes, so there's that. Hope you enjoyed reading it... next one coming soon. Stay tuned. :scootangel:

Comments ( 9 )

thanks for the new chapter, seems its gonna b interesting for spike. then again, the same could be said for poor twilight lol

It Pinkie. Pinkies next!:facehoof:

Good chapter!:moustache:

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You'll see soon enough, but one thing you can guarantee... things will only get more complicated and convoluted from here on out. :raritywink:

surely it couldn't get any worse

:facehoof: Twilight... And I mean this in the best possible way... WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!

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Hey, be nice to her... she's very stressed right now. :twilightblush:

So by the end of the week do we think Twilight will have learned to stop tempting fate?

im guessing it's Pinkie.

Twilight's going to have to learn how to do stuff without Spike.

"We can't steal treasure, torch villages or even swallow up innocents whole now, without their express permission!

A certain pony happens to glide in at that exact moment, "Ooooohhhhh Garblllllle! Want something wriggly in yer tummy?"

Garble acks, "NOT YOU!! NEVER you! I don't want to catch whatever brain parasite you're carrying!" He flees in abject terror of the WILLING VORE!!! :fluttershbad:

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