This story is a sequel to Chasing Shadows
Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle's daughter is caught in a time loop.
Part of next gen Echosverse
Updated on Fridays and Saturdays
Chapters (110)
Reading4HalfMyLife
Joined 27th May, 2016 ·
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well lets see where this goes.
I like the premise and there are some good ideas in here, but also a number of writing issues which detract from the story being told:
1. The dialogue formatting is a bit loose in general, but at the very least, start a new paragraph when a new character speaks. It makes things a lot easier to follow.
2. In a timeloop story, it's important that the reader is able to follow the chronological flow of the narrative so that they know where they are in the loop. The timing in this story isn't very clear. It starts at "Day 1", but there are no further day references after that, and the transitions between days aren't obvious; it's never clear to me how much time is passing between scenes for Astral. I'm still not sure exactly how many days the loop lasts for, or what day it begins on.
3. The pacing is uneven, with full scenes that are skipped, even in the earliest loops. While it is customary in a timeloop story to skip over scenes in later loops that the reader has already experienced, this should be avoided in early loops; otherwise, how can the reader compare the differences between scenes in different loops?
An immediate example is the fact that the first chapter skips the beginning of the loop and the first part of Astral's day; this makes it very confusing when she repeats that time period in the second chapter, because the reader didn't see that stuff happen. There's no point of reference to compare to, making it difficult to appreciate Astral's plight.
4. Cheerilee's opening to her "flight or fight" lecture makes no sense. Normally I wouldn't worry about this since it's not intended to be important, but since this is repeated in every loop (and is a key loop-signifier in each chapter) it's worth getting right.
It's actually called the "fight-or-flight response", and it's a bodily reaction that many animals have to a situation where their life may be in danger. It isn't a "choice" between fleeing or fighting; it's the body preparing the animal to do either of those things if it becomes necessary.
5. One thing that could help is to flesh out the world a bit more. The story is very light on description of what Astral's life and world is like, and that's something that the story actually really needs. This is the future of the Ponyville that we know and love; show it to us! Has it changed at all? Details of this kind of thing are what invest the reader and bring them into the world, and they give you ammunition for the time loop.
Hope this helps! Keep at it.
8952741
First off, thank you. I want this to be a good story, and constructive criticism is helpful :D
1,2,3 and 4 I can do easy enough, though 5 will take some time. Currently, I am using the Equestria's Myths and Monsters book to help flesh out the lore, but I don't want to do an info drop for the present. We know Twiglimmer is a thing, as is Rarijack and Braeshy, and I'm hoping to do separate chapters detailing how the characters have matured, and how they've gotten together.
For 2, I am considering making a Chronological chapter detailing what happens in the First week, just so if people are confused they can click onto that, and understand it.
Why is this in the RainbowPie group?
8952975
I was curious about that as well.
8952948
Honestly I would avoid making an exposition chapter whose only job is to clarify what is written in actual chapters.
It is far better to write the actual chapters in a way that makes sense as exposition chapters (or explanation chapters in this case) are really boring and do not help your narrative.
8953193
Thanks, I'm trying to avoid exposition dumps
I like the scarves bit. Keeps Astral from being a bland Sue-esce character.
8953978
Thanks, I honestly have no idea where the scarf came from, it just kinda, appeared in my head.
8954031
Isn't that where all good ideas come from? Some empty feeling, and a bit of randomness to fill it?
8955266
So true my friend
I'm gonna be sad when the time loop removes butters cutie mark
8960475
Oh, so will Assie.
on nice i a can do origomi I can make a wad of paper
8962342
Such talent!
I can make a cat and a mouse fairly consistently. The fact that those two go together has not gone unoticed.
8970547
LoL, tell me you named them Tom and Jerry
welp she dead
oh god thats a horrible reset
8971661
Good idea! The thought actually hadn't crossed my mind... Ah well.
Oh stars... Butterscotch? Apple Butter? ...Astral, hang in there. You can and will see worse, but this is the first time. J U S T H O L D O N.
8980486
Oh, don't worry, there's still plenty of time to beat down her psych. Give me time.
i'm getting a undertale vibe from this
8987070
WELP, my life is over. RUINED. GONE.
Oh, wait, I like Undertale
8987165
who doesn't but i'm getting flowey vibes from astral remember Flowey started off sweet but once he learned hat their were no conicences for his actions that lead him down the path he did
8987169
Oh, yeah, she's gonna go off the deep end, it's just going to take a while
8987255
don't let her go crazy it would break my heart
8987262
She's repeating the same four days over and over again, she's not exactly going to be all chipper about this.
She will eventually learn how to swear, and became a jaded, cynical sociopath. Such is life.
8987301
unless you as the god of this world stop the loop
8987308
Oh, sweetie, I am a God. My job is to play around with the lives of mortals. All hail!
8988567
then it looks like Dialga and Paklia will have to right your wrongs
something makes me wonder if before the loop end she will try all the things adults do all the things
8989007
If you're implying she do the do, as it were, rest assured that will not happen
8989065
fair enough
8989068
I think the worst that's going to happen is a schoolyard crush, or something.
But once she's old enough, she's definitely getting together with some future friends for a good old drinking game8989133
god to know
Name change from nowhere
Hello! The "Anonymous in Equestria" group is for characters named Anonymous, living in Equestria. The rules are in the name, as we say. As such, it has been removed from the group. Thank you for understanding.
I noticed a bunch of technical errors
Ch 2
refers to the wrong pony
(moms, not mum’s, there’s no possession here.
Ch3
here you need a ‘ since there is possession.
drop both ‘
generally you have to watch punctuation in direct speech. There must be some symbol before the closing quotation marks.
How long will this story be?
8995753
Okay! All fixed! Thanks for the help
8995997
Honestly? I have no idea, I know how it's gonna pan out, but I'm not sure how long it will be until I reach my conclusion
is the loop broken
9000531
Oooh, I wish it were that simple
9001376
wait she got grounded so hard that thats now part of the loop?
9001386
Wait, what are you referring to, which grounding? The one in the base loop, or the one in this chapter?
9001405
this chapter she got grounded so hard that it became part of the loop
9001410
Wait until tomorrow ;D
9001442
so my prediction was right or i gave you one hell of a idea
You now have twice as many likes as dislikes! You're welcome.