• Member Since 17th Nov, 2017
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

IMLad1esMan217


The name is Agustin Juarez, I am a 16-year-old dud who loves MLP! Looking forward to talking to anyone and I want to know how you are you liking my stories?

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Boring... Alone... Nothing in life is meaningful when you are just doing the same thing over and over again. I am 17 years old, this is my last year in High School, and I am pretty much a lone wolf. I don't socialize as much with people around me, only to those that are close to me. And now feeling like I needed to boost my confidence, I figured out a way to get popular in school and earn a ton of more friends, by entering an abandoned house.

But I soon realized that it was a terrible idea... Seeing that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. How will I handle this situation? And how will this affect me in the future? Find out.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 17 )

Another seventh element story... *shakes head*

9080879

I didn't like where I was going and I had an idea that will later show in the chapters.

9080914
Its not going to literally involve your OC becoming the seventh element, will it? It wouldn't make sense since the mane six have saved the day plenty of times without a seventh element.

9080953
Good, good, I'm glad you dodged that sort of bullet.

I've only read maybe about a thousand words or so and I'm not feeling 'pulled' into the story at all. It's written as if it's just another "7th Element" fanfic and the main character is just another 'Mary-Sue'. So, I feel I should give you some tips to help with writing.

Number one: The Main character Augustine has no character development in this first chapter and is just self insertion. The first chapter of a fic or book is supposed to introduce characters, even if it is a self insert, and help us get to know them and set up the plot, which it does a poor job of. That is to be expected, since it seems to be your first fic. I won't hate it because I did the exact same thing in my first, but trashed it after chapter three. You'll get better over time. (I'm no master writer.) Make the protagonist converse for an hour with someone, have him try to learn to cook and fail miserably but still have fun. Tell us subtly that he's determined or cocky or even on a moral high horse. Don't just give him powers that make him godly or invincible. Give him a power that has a drawback, like he can only use it after eating tons of lemons or it slowly causes him to get burns all over his body. If there are just positives about a character, it makes them boring and sound average. They aren't unique from anyone else in the fanfic and it makes readers lose interest. Give them some flaws.

Number two: It's rushed, which is to be expected from your first fic. If I've learned anything from people teaching me how to write a story, it was structure and steady pacing. '1' happens, and then '2', but before '1' happens '0.3' has to happen. And for '0.3' happens, yoh have to have the character deal with '-2'. You didn't do too poor of a job, but it gould be better if you practice. Keep writing.

Number three: The poor grammar. I'm not sure if English is your first language, but you are seriously lacking some punctuation. Some words don't belong next to one another. For example, "The cat ran fast up the hill chased by a dog." It sounds like a cat is running fast up a hill that literally is being chased by a dog. To correct it, it would be written "The cat ran fast up the hill, chased by a dog." It would also help to add adjectives and replaces multiple words with advanced ones or even add words to put emphasis on things. "The sleek, black cat swiftly scampered up a grassy hill, being pursued by a rabid beagle" sounds much better than the original sentence, as it helps the reader imagine the scene, which is what you should strive for. If I can imagine it in my head well, I can put myself in the character's position and it makes me want to read more. You also aren't deciding if the fic is present tense or past tense. It's okay to use some bits of either, but not all throughout the fanfic. An okay model would be "past tense, past tense, present tense, past tense" since it is mostly past tense.

"I pull my phone out, reading a text" is present tense. Present tense is someone doing something right now.

"I pulled my phone out and read a text" is past tense. Past tense is someone doing something a few moments ago or even minutes or hours.


Number four: You don't need to add the word said to the end of every quote that a character makes unless you are changing who is speaking to someone new.

"I hate this place," groaned Bryan.

"It's pretty sucky, I'll admit that," admitted Karen.

"It's cold, damp, and this cave floor is hell on my feet."

Karen laughed. "Maybe if you wore real shoes more often, you wouldn't have that problem."

Bryan fidgeted with his fingers nervously, a small blush forming on his cheeks. "I-It's not my fault crocs are comfortable!"

"Like hell they are comfortable! It's just cheap foam!" exclaimed Jessica.

Note how you can tell who is who. Each character speaks in turn and I only specified who was speaking if the character was doing something new or if their expressions/mood changed. It also helps to not use the same words over and over, as to avoid being repeatative. Using the word 'said' is fine, but don't use it all the time. Change it up to add some emotion to character's words. They aren't robots, but they aren't drama queens. Bryan can say things just fine, but he doesn't say things and then exclaim them with excitement, only to switch back to saying them. Find a healthy balance of 'said' and it's synonyms.

I hope this helps you become a better writer than you already are so you can make fictions that entertain not only yourself, but others as well. I can say this about it though: you've written more per chapter than I have on any fics. Good luck and keep on practicing.

Aaron is the SPY SON OF B*TCH

Mate, pick a storyline abd stick with it. You're never going to attract any readers if you keep changing the bloody thing every two weeks.

Comment posted by IMLad1esMan217 deleted November 23rd

"Should we send him to our SC--" the #2 scientist suggested, but Donald snapped at him.

"You are NEVER to speak of that name! And NO!"

"B-But sir... He could be dangerous?"

"Are you mad? We can never send a boy like him to a place like that... We need to reason with Augustine. If he can cooperate, everything should go smoothly..."

The #2 scientist, however, didn't think it was a good idea. "I don't know sir... What if he doesn't cooperate?"

The SCP Foundation Is Even Here.
ih1.redbubble.net/image.231254349.2149/pp,550x550.u1.jpg

Sabina stepped into the metal detector and got a green signal, indicating that she has nothing metallic. I gulped, stepping forward as the metal detector showed a red signal. Guards then motioned me to step forward and began to frisk every part of my body.

How would a gem set a metal detector off? It doesn't have any of the elements that would even make up a gun.


Unless it was a ruby since those have trace amounts of Chromium in them.

"Pretty cool having an uncle who is the General of an entire American Army, huh?" He stated.

:facehoof: There isn't just one General in the US Army.

"Dangerous is what it is! I want all guns to switch from tasers to bullets!" the General demanded, causing Donald to gasp in horror.

The soldiers obeyed as some discarded their gun, or reloaded a magazine and entered a loaded one. I was terrified that they have real bullets now, as I panicked.

:facehoof: :facehoof: That's not how bloody TASERs work.

THAT WAS AMAZING FIGHT I SEE GREAT JOB 👍

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